Waiting

It seems such incredibly old news when I say that some time back I had a little ‘hissy fit’ and wrote to Janus, my mentor, to tell him that I didn’t want to be under his dominance any more. When I wrote the letter, I meant it, but Janus thought we should discuss it, and thus we did.

The outcome of that discussion and other discussions after it was that I needed to propose a new agreement. I should write it out and he and my husband would determine if it was acceptable. I was encouraged to take my time with this task and so I did. Of course, Janus had me writing a revision, making sure that there were no errors or spelling mistakes, and even then it required another revision.

Finally, the agreement I had written was accepted, although then he made three separate points of his own. One of his requirements may be of particular interest to readers. Janus explained to me and to my husband that it had always been the situation that I was free to leave his dominance at my whim; of course. However, it was also always agreed that should I wish to return to his dominance that a “severe punishment” was required as a prerequisite for returning. Janus had explained to me on more than one occasion that I had a tendency to be impulsive and then regret my actions, and also, that the hissy fit had occurred in the first place because I had disobeyed his instructions. You see, if I was to become overwhelmed or angry with him, I was to go to the corner, settle myself down and gather my thoughts. Then, I was to go to my laptop and write down what the problem was. Then, once he had that explanation, we would discuss it. In fact, I skipped that part and went straight to the ‘goodbye letter’. Bad move in so many, many ways!

I honestly have absolutely no issue with his requirement that I receive a “severe punishment”. In fact, on at least one occasion I explained to Janus that I felt that our new arrangement did not enable him to mandate a suitable punishment and I didn’t feel right about that. Janus and I have both always done our best to honour our relationship and I felt terrible about “skipping out” on this punishment.

Well, he rectified that, all right, by writing to my husband and asking him to take care of it. And, my husband put it back on me by asking for five possible actions that would constitute a “severe punishment” for this behaviour. Readers may well have their own ideas, and feel free to share your thoughts. One dear reader was sweet enough to suggest to me that I didn’t need to be punished at all. It was the fault of the dom, he said. Well, that’s as sweet a suggestion as it gets, and Janus has certainly admitted that he may have let me down in ways. However, that in no way lets me off the hook. I knew what I was doing, and I did it anyway, knowing the consequences for my actions. On some level, I knew I would regret it, and I did.

I’ve given my husband five suggestions, to the best of my ability, and I even wrote some out here on the blog, not so long ago. Medical circumstances dictate that I must wait until the end of the week for the matter to finally be resolved.

Frankly, it will be a relief to get it over with. It has been in abeyance for a long time, and much more interesting times await us when I have paid my dues. Frankly, nothing could be worse than the experience I have endured with very little dominance in my life. My husband, too, ensured that I got the message over this time, that only ‘good girls’ get rewards. Only well behaved girls deserve a power exchange relationship. I am convinced that without a power exchange relationship in my life, I am less. It just is as it is. I’m not one to wish away time, but I won’t be unduly upset when this week comes to an end.