The value of fantasy

 I think there's an exhaustion in grief. My husband has been dead for over 13 months and my mother not quite a month, and somehow, no matter how committed one is to take care of oneself, exhaustion is a big factor.

I don't mean I need to nap, because I am not sure I have had one nap since my husband's death, but at the end of a day I can barely get myself to bed, not to mention that sometimes it comes across as 'I can't go on like this. I need a holiday!' But then I think, who wants to hear this sort of thing? No-one really does. So, I sort of just 'get over it' and get on with it.

For a few months now I have had no energy at all for dating. I am busy doing what needs to be organised and achieved, and that's all the energy I have. If a person were to ask me, and it would be a very reasonable question to ask, 'Where would a relationship with me fit into your life?', I would be compelled to explain that there probably isn't a lot left over in my life for him right now.

It's the realisation that that would be the truthful answer that made me completely comfortable to end my dating efforts for now.

It's interesting, worth pondering, why the Universe gave me these challenges personally at the same time as the Universe gave us all economic and political challenges, such that we are fundamentally at a standstill.

I can, of course, prepare for a better time, be ready to leap, but right now, I am stymied. AI tells me not to let it get me down, 'don't fight with it' was the advice.

More than anything else, it's the physical toll - the doing the work of at the very least, two people, and knowing, that just like a line at the Immigration Department that never seems to shorten, so too, the list of things I need to accomplish remain never ending. I do try to celebrate the ending of a major task, but I can't take too long, because there's some other thing to do now.

The advice that no one does not give is to fit in some time for myself. Yoga is important for you, my youngest son will say. 'It's been a shit year, why not take yourself to India and rest?' a friend will suggest. 'Travel somewhere you haven't been, have a European fling' says another. Very gradually, I will get to that, but not before my ducks get somewhere vaguely close to a straight row.

It could be a little perfectionism or OCD, some might say, but I would rather work hard and reach a level of security and order than find myself thousands of miles away when something goes very wrong. The responsibility is on my shoulders, only mine. Learning how to carry that responsibility is an artform I haven't quite perfected.

Every day, I don't think there is an exception to this, I have a fantasy, usually first thing in the morning when I have no alternative but to simply comply with the situation I find myself in - strict men (and women) who see it as their duty to teach me that all that is required is one very simple thing - to obey them. I suppose you could say that the consequences of disobedience quickly convince me that obedience is the right route for me, but on the other hand, I am not thinking that thought in the fantasy. Very quickly indeed, I have honed the skill to not think, and simply to do as told, to accept, to comply, and neither to think of it as a good or bad thing. It is just the way it is. It is my life. I don't question it or wish it were some other way. It is the way. It just is.

So, you see, there's a spirituality to this daily fantasy of mine - a surrender, an acceptance, a living in the moment, that calms me and settles me and seems to be vital for me. I'd love to explore this in a real-life scenario with someone with great skill, but I am not sure where you find one of those, so until then, I fantasise on.

The inner voice

 An issue that has come up for us in our union, and one that my husband wants to resolve is that in the power exchange we are creating, he wants whatever he says to be obeyed. This is the normal expectation in power exchange, of course.

A couple of problems have surfaced around the fact that I have a rather strong intuition, or shall we say, self-direction, around how to handle a matter. I don't necessarily see a matter exactly as he does, or how to resolve the matter in the same way he does. 

We also can have a different sense of timing. I may look to get it resolved as soon as possible whereas he may want to reflect on it some more. 

The truth is I might look to do something when he is out because then I can just do it and it's done. Not all problems require consultation or waiting. I have a lot of patience but sometimes I struggle to be patient and just want to get the thing done and sorted. I think the marriage has on the whole, thrived under the agreement that I am the one that just gets a whole lot of things, outside of business matters, done.

I've noticed today, and he has made darn sure I noticed today that this is a very sore point. If he says to do it his way - let's say, wait some more - and my natural tendency to move on with a remedy overtakes me, he is very cross with me. In fact, more than that, he is determined to nip this assertiveness in me in the bud. If he says wait, I am to wait.

He very naturally likes control, generally, but particularly now, of me. Duh.

I was driving in the car earlier today and felt upset about a correction around these matters, at the same time as I thought, 'well, kudos to him, he's drawn a line in the sand. Isn't that what you wanted and asked for?' It's the push/pull of giving up control to another, of living that slave girl mindset which is so arousing to me.

I was with Andre just now, my acupuncturist and he told me that my spleen was not acting perfectly. It could be tiredness from Christmas festivities and planning, of course, he said, but was I going through something at the moment, some sort of rather significant change?

Well, yeah, that could be it; that could account for the lack of energy I have been feeling in the last couple of weeks. You could say giving over your free will to another was a rather significant change.

Don't get me wrong. I love what we are creating, and I am happy he is so engaged with the process. I am just noting there's a strong self-will here within my bones; an inner voice that guides my behaviour and decisions and it isn't going to be easy to quiet that voice entirely. Watch this space.

Slave mentality

Therapy is meant to make you feel better, but before it makes you feel better, it can make you feel worse.

Acknowledging and simply being your authentic self is also meant to feel better, but it isn't necessarily so at the outset either.

To explain, by way of hypnotherapy over the telephone, a session of a sexual nature, I experienced the depths of my submissive self. 

I believe for the first time in my life I referred to myself as a Slave and did those things that slaves do. 

'Admit to me what you are!'

'I'm a slave, I'm a slave.'

These words came from the darkest recesses of my mind.

Orgasming on demand, over and over, occurred effortlessly. Obeying these commands seemed the most natural thing in the world.

 I was told a story, set in ancient times, of what my life was like. My primary role was to be trained and f**ked, not just by one Owner but by many men, and women. I listened in a trance, found it all quite wonderful.

For a day or two, I felt liberated and joyous. The possibilities for my life in real terms seemed transformational and exciting. I felt buoyant and rejuvenated.

Then, real life happened, new knowledge of on the ground life challenges. It was necessary to get out of my kink head and problem solve; come up with answers for the problems presented to me. Far from a simple slave girl here I was using my brain hard to resolve financial issues like a big, independent girl.

It's not just the problems and the efforts it will take to solve them that troubles me. It's the compatibility issues that have come about for what I refer to as 'the slave mentality'. I fully understand that I can't just permanently dwell in a slave mentality, but did the shove into the real world need to happen so immediately and so starkly?

The undeniable equation is that a slave needs a Master/Owner. A Master goes about getting a 'slave', if that is their inclination. Off the Master goes to the slave market, or whatever, and buys himself a slave fit for purpose - pretty, enticing, useful; easy to train to desired specification. (In the trance I don't know where I came from exactly, but the hypnotist accompanied me back to ancient times and took me to his expansive home where slaves abounded, and I was trained and prepared for Ownership. Always welcome back to visit the girls, the gardener and cook who regularly used me, of course.)

But what if it is the other way around? Does a slave go looking for a Master? Sure, sometimes that is going to happen, but what about transforming a husband into a Master or Owner, somewhat permanently? Can that really happen? 

It's taken me this long to acknowledge my deepest desires and here I am with a husband not at all well and, should he have married just about anyone but me, would never in his wildest dreams thought of going about having his own 'slave'. Now, what to do?

I have been thinking about this in a practical way. What needs to happen here? One might consider a Contract. Your responsibilities are this and mine are that. I want this and you want that. I fail to do this and that means you need to do that. Like that.

I think there is a step here that hasn't been considered. Once upon a time, my husband enjoyed 'scenes' with me. He'd have expectations, things he wanted to do, usually to achieve pleasure for me and thus himself. There was a lot of dopamine flying about and thus in daily life, it was all pretty smooth. I sought to please him. He rode that high for himself. All good.

That was a long time ago now when we were playing for mutual pleasure. My husband became unwell, and although we made it up the mountain of D/s pleasure every now and again, we spent much more time down in the valley. It's much, much harder this time for things to be spontaneous about this situation. The last dozen years have been very wearing on both of us and on the relationship.

What I know is that this slave can't wait for her Master to devise her curriculum, her daily tasks, her expectations. I think that might be a 'Waiting for Godot' situation and we all know how that turned out.

He's been advised that all slaves need 'training' but where's the manual for that? So, I bought myself 'Dom's Guide to Submissive Training' by Elizabeth Cramer and next step I think is to summarize it for my husband. Boy, she's tough, but I get off on listening to that audio. I may have listened to it four times now.

Although the next step is to devise a Contract, I think you have to have some idea of all this before you can begin to know what to write down, what to discuss; whether this is even going to work for the two of us.

Is he prepared to put the time aside? Does he think he will enjoy the training? Should we do it in, say, two-hour intervals when we get the time? Should there be protocols for a 24-hour period? Can we accept, both of us, he may need to be tough at first? And how, can we smoothly make the transition from that world to the real world where we need to have our heads about us?

I came across a good article by Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes entitled 'Dominant and Submissive Relationships - Top 10 Rules to Follow. I think my husband needs suggestions for the revised relationship and I have offered him a few suggestions. 

I like the idea of sitting below him when watching television. I like the floor and I like the slave feeling this gives me, always have.

I like the idea of learning some positions and being asked to get into those positions using the number. It's just a weird turn on I have used a lot in fantasy. I think one correspondent mentioned it many years ago and I never forgot it.

Snipes suggests, 'Make Master proud'. Yes, love this. I am seriously considering a short course to prepare myself for part time employment, as an example, and he has given his support for that, would be proud of me. I would thrive on receiving praise. 

'I speak, you obey'. God, yessss, that's such a turn on.

It's a pity this is all happening at this busy time of year. You need plenty of down time to get this established, to do the communicating and sharing of ideas. Without his participation, all I have is fodder for fantasy and endless unrequited desire.

I so want this to happen. 

It would make me so happy. I also think it would make him happy too.

And, most importantly, us.

Note: The image above is a photo of a card that was left by my mat whilst I was meditating in a group this evening, after writing this. It felt right to include it in this post today. 

Obedience

It took me considerable time to learn how integral obedience is to the power exchange relationship. It's obvious that it is vital to the smooth running of such a relationship, I get that, but knowing that intellectually and knowing that in your bones is two different things.

I had a number of erroneous thoughts about the place of obedience. Mostly, I would disobey because my emotions were upside down and when my emotions are upside down I can act or speak irrationally. On other occasions I'd convince myself that it would be all right, that I'd be forgiven soon anyway, that I wouldn't be punished, that I didn't care if I was punished; that I was in the right; that it surely didn't matter all that much anyway. It did.

I hadn't realized how important it is to the Dominant to be in control all the time and thus on occasion I drove a sword through the arrangement, only to feel an intense sense of guilt and regret very soon thereafter.

Eventually, it dawned on me that obeying was a far easier option than disobeying. Possibly, I am a slow learner on this matter, or maybe the older you are the more difficult it might be to break down the ego and the sense of self will.

Most of all I think it was a matter of not communicating well. Instead of asking for something, or explaining my upset; holding my upset in for as long as I could, I'd eventually 'chuck a wobbly'. Having learned eventually to communicate any feelings of distress, when I asked for something and got the answer 'no', I'd feeling really hardly done by and that's when I might act out.

Little did I know that the training process is a wild and glorious ride, filled with ups and downs, but that eventually the emotions subside and the message is understood down to your core that you can run up and down the main street ranting, but nothing changes the fact that you've signed on to obey, and obey you shall.

There was a time when I crossed a line because I was curious as to what would happen, or excited about what would happen. or was too worked up to care what would happen. There were moments when I masochistically did enjoy the correction, on one level or another, but I don't think I ever did NOT regret a correction. I hated being in trouble. I hated the disconnection. I'd take every one of those situations back if I could, but back then I didn't know any better. I was simply doing the best I could.

I can still be a flighty person. I've yet to reach some nirvana state where I am always angelic, kind, empathic, reasonable, patient, accepting; obedient. But, I get that that is the goal. I get that obedience is the natural state if you want an authority figure in your life. I've given up fighting that fact, finally.

Secretary, revisited

My husband and I were sitting on the couch last night, me draped over his body as he allows me to do, when the movie Secretary came on. Since we knew the story very well it allowed for a different kind of viewing this time and my husband mentioned several times how extraordinarily well Spader and Gyllenhaul play out the dynamic, whilst I made mention of what a great screen play it is. Every scene drives the story onward and reveals more about what the characters want and what holds them back.

There are countless examples of the way the dynamic works for both of them but what jumps to my mind first is the scene encompassing the telephone answering lesson and the way Spader leads up to the difficult conversation topic of Miss Halloway's habit of cutting herself when under anxiety. Her first walk home after work after being given permission to breathe in fresh air with the full knowledge that she will 'never again' cut herself, exemplifies all that is great in the dynamic between a dominant and a submissive - the positive effect the dominant can have over his submissive's life.

For a time Miss Halloway only wants to please. Her typing mistakes are just that, until he stops playing with her and then she is more manipulative. She's so keen to feel his control and to be 'punished' that she lets the odd mistake go, in the full knowledge that he'll notice. Goodness. I would never do such a thing!

I admit I respond viscerally to the masturbation scenes since I know that it is critical to have in my mind thoughts that arouse, such as being given an instruction and knowing that however odd it might be, I am going to obey. She was told to eat four peas and so she did, and what a huge turn on that was for her. Only a truly submissive mind can understand how we really live for these moments of tight control and how they elevate us to a new dimension of life.

When such a dynamic is well in place disobedience is really something of a nightmare for both parties. To have an instruction refused must be deeply unsettling for the dominant, but I think it is important to understand that even whilst a submissive is creating havoc with her ministrations that she can't or won't do a task, she's suffering as well. It goes against every bone in the body to refuse to comply with an order and speaks to a very unsettled state of mind. It seems right to insist on obedience, the fastest way probably to restore good order,  but at the same time the decision to not comply needs to be more than noted. What led her to speak the unspeakable?

In Secretary there was no spanking, no telling off, that could interfere with the deep connection they had formed. She thrived on his control and suffered when he withdrew it. He doubted that they could do 'this' 24 hours a day but her only response to that was 'why not?' And, why not indeed? Together, they demonstrated what it is to love and live in their own way. It made us both smile. It reminded my husband that what I want is really very tender, sweet and most heartfelt.

Pleasing the dominant

Those of us with a creative soul need to alter and adjust people and places to suit ourselves; to give birth to something in our own image. The talented hairdresser wishes to transform a woman into someone with self confidence and flair. The fashion stylist wishes to make the woman more beautiful and alluring when she wears his or her creations. Interior designers wish to create beautiful, comfortable rooms in which people can live happily and calmly; an oasis from the busy world outside. Novelists want to create a world which the reader will find so absorbing it will be difficult to put down the book. Musicians long for those evenings when the sound they create is sublime; never mind that it is just for an hour or so. They strive for perfection. They long to play better than they ever played before.

In the world of power exchange, the dominant can wish to transform a woman's mind. In order to get there he's likely to also want to transform her body. 'Owner tags', for example, are a permanent reminder that the person is 'owned'; that her body and her mind - her whole sense of happiness and fulfillment really - are at the behest of, and under the control of, the dominant member of the relationship.

It won't matter how much interaction I have with dominants. Their words cannot suffice to explain their head space such that I can explain it in my own words. I can only imagine what they might mean; what they might want. For a long time, I saw the exchange, at its most heady, as one person giving herself over to the other. By doing this, the submissive member of the exchange was giving her trust, and her love, to the other. He might want more than she wanted, more than she ever imagined she wanted, but over time his desires would naturally - by various means of persuasion - become her desires. Together, they'd experience unimaginably erotic highs.

He'd luxuriate in her ability to 'let go' and let him lead; to experience such divine eroticism. He would have created, and transformed, an average woman into a slutti, mindless, sex craved fucktoy. They'd both be unbelievably aroused and connected in the experience; the ultimate in sexual libido at its highest and pleasure in the extreme. He could wallow in her acceptance of his appetite. In the state she is hardly in a position to challenge or berate his behavior. She's just as bad; just as naughty.  Her appetite is just as voracious. Look in the mirror. Take note of the photograph. Evidence. A slut is born. This is really as far as my mind went.

I now think I see something that I had overlooked before. Some dominants cannot and will not be satiated. That is to say, enough will never be enough. An owner's tag can be heavier. A heavier ring through the nipples can hold a heavier bell or weight. A woman can be locked away, should he choose. There are chastity belts, a constant reminder of the 'owned' state. He can lock her pussy cunt; attached rings in her pussy cunt and padlock them together. He can 'request' a tattoo marking his possession, or he might want to see her in a corset, restraining her such that her waist is adorably small.

Some dominants want full control over the submissive's hair style and color, her wardrobe, her weight, her exercise regime. Other dominants might lead a woman to a new way of life; a different course of undertaking her days. 'Dom with Pen', a perfectly sane individual as far as I can tell, doesn't shy away from the fact that he wishes his girl were a housewife and not in the teaching profession.

What I am getting at is that the dominant position isn't necessarily one whereby it is about leading a woman to express and live out her own personal, unfulfilled and perhaps unexpressed desires. He wants waaaaaaaaay more than that. He wants her to do 'it' - whatever the 'it' is this time. He wants her to do  'it' because it would be pleasing to him.

I referred a few posts ago to the fact that the dominant may not accept 'no' as an acceptable answer. It's not the sort of arrangement where she can say - "I tried. I just can't." He's not going to accept that, this dominant. She needs to try harder. She needs to train more regularly. He's not whistling dixie here. He means it. He has decreed it and she will do it.

There is a persuasion of a similar kind that goes on with vanilla folk, I think. He wants the job in London and he means to have it, whether they have to uproot and she leaves behind all that she loves, or not. He wants to grow a beard and she has no choice but to accept his decision even though she much prefers him clean shaved. For some men, their will must be done. They mean to have their way - not in a selfish way, necessarily. There is a good chance that the decision is right for both of them, ultimately. But, his will will be done.

In power exchange terms, I suppose you would say that between the couple, there are no real limits and there certainly is no safe word she intends to ever use. He controls. She does his bidding. Now, not for a minute would I suggest that this situation is intended to harm or be in any way negative. In a healthy 'all or nothing' power exchange the dominant is so incredibly responsible for the submissive that he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is the 'all mighty' ruler and as such he understands he bears responsibility if something goes wrong. He needs constant and open communication with her in order to function. He'll always listen. But, he, ultimately will decide and she, ultimately, must concede to him. Never mind that these ideas are new; radical; outside of her knowledge banks, desires and wants. His wants are, inevitably, her wants. She, at the end of the day, if not before, will be enriched; praised; adored. Enticed?

Dancing with the Dominant

When the submissive is smart, there's a tendency to think that she can see the Dominant coming; that she can outwit him perhaps or get by him. The behavior of the submissive has become a little complacent, but he's been sucking it up. There's no particular reason for her to think that today is any different. Or, is there?

I've had sufficient chats with enough Dominant friends over the years to know that a common strategy, when the submissive is starting to demonstrate a lack of focus (ambivalence, indifference, a lack of self-discipline or just plain laziness) is to contain her even tighter; watch her closer; supervise her more.

There is another strategy a Dominant may use with a submissive who is failing to achieve the set goals. He can give her a 'vacation'. She might protest. She doesn't want a vacation. Possibly, there will be banter back and forth about it not being fair; about a lack of warning. She might fail to see why it should be now; why it should be at all. 

He'll explain his decision somewhat, I would expect. He'll point out to her all those moments of poor decision making leading up to this moment. The submissive will, on some level, get the point, but she might give it one more 'ole college try before he closes the door.

"The decision has been made. There will be no further discussion on the matter," he says, or words to that effect.

It's time to throw in the towel. Dominants never retreat from this position, not if they value their role and holding onto it. No submissive would ultimately be happy about it really if they did.

Hence, the submissive must accept, possibly not before she experiences some regret or anger; possibly not before she makes an attempt to punish the Dominant. Think submissives don't do that? Think again.

If he holds his nerve and if she settles to the pronouncement,  chances are you'll see the submissive recommitting to the goals set for her all on her own. The thing about a well trained submissive is that she very much wants to succeed; to please; to impress. She very much wants the "vacation" to end.

What sort of words strike at the heart of a submissive - words like "for two weeks, there is no need for you to obey." Whaaaat? That's where she gets her jubes. That's what turns her on; satisfies, completes and fulfills her.

Without a single further word of instruction, the Dominant could very well find, over the next week or so, the submissive taking enormous strides of progress forward in her development. What a surprise. So unexpected.

What's really exciting about the Dominant who plans and schemes, who has a bag of tricks, is that he keeps the submissive on her toes. Long may they dance.

D/s and the silly season

At this time of the year, 'real life' can take precedence over our inner lives. There are lunches and cocktail parties, gatherings with work colleagues, family and friends. Those submissive/serving activities that we do on a regular basis at other times of the year can be given a back seat. For me, this is not a good idea.

As December heats up, figuratively and literally, my restless and busy mind can go into overdrive. This can mean that even when exhausted at the end of a long day, perhaps hosting a dinner or working at the textbook exchange all day, or whatever, that I can't sleep well and that the next day turns into one more long list of things to do. Whilst it is meant to be the joyful season, I can find myself not enjoying all this activity and craving some time to myself, which I sometimes simply can't find.

This situation can spiral out of control for me very quickly for a couple of reasons. If one isn't doing what one has agreed to do, the dynamic can feel as if it is 'broken' in some way. Our minds are trained to think of obedience as right and good and so when one isn't obeying, one feels aberrant and out of control; not a good look.

If one isn't obeying, doing those things that are well proven to yield excellent results, then one can't expect excellent results. The restless mind returns. The sense of being  not contained flourishes. It's harmful behavior, much like it would be to not brush one's teeth daily and proficiently, or to not drink water daily and in the required amounts.

If one doesn't do what is known to work then it's a form of disrespect not only to the Dominant but also to oneself. In the space of 24 hours (24 x 60 minutes) can one be serious that 20 minutes a day cannot be found? It's totally erroneous thinking on my part that I am not worthy of that amount of time to myself. Why would I think such a thing?

So, I think, even though we are very busy - frantic - that our rituals and regimens must stay in place during the holiday season. In fact, more than most other times of the year, it is quite vital that we uphold them.

This leads me to the whole business of saying "sorry" and let's get real. In a long standing relationship where two people care for one another there are going to be slip ups. Why a person 'slips up' can be complicated but chances are quite good that a girl (like me) is looking for a correction; to be reined in; contained. Figuring out who is to "blame" can be a quite fruitless task. It happened. Getting back on track is what matters. Of course, behaviors have consequences and maybe she has to catch up on her tasks, or some other correction. I'd imagine that's all fine, so long as the dynamic is restored.

I can't stress this point enough. A girl who has wandered off the track really needs to simply get back on the track and move forward in the right direction. Veering off into the forest will only make her feel (and be) lost. What possible point is there to worrying about who is to blame? Recognize the importance of the dynamic (that the dominant is in charge and that the submissive does what the dominant says), the importance of adhering to the rules and routines of the dynamic and drive on. "To err is human, to forgive, divine."

So often a lack of success in life boils down to not creating good habits. The D/s dynamic can be an outstanding tool for creating good habits in all avenues of life and for both people. The most important thing, I believe, is the dynamic itself, assuming it's a good and worthy relationship between those people. We didn't set it up this way on a whim. We do it because we want it, because it works better than any other dynamic and because it fulfills us both.

P.S. The photograph is for Siranneal - a touch of inspiration for those chaps who like the visual rather the words.

Obedience as it relates to arousal

Life is stranger than fiction. If I needed to make the connections between the events of the recent past with the events of the weekend I'd be hard pressed to do so. Why was this weekend so vastly different from the period of time before it?

Well, I'd expressed my dissatisfaction, loud and clear. And, not that long after that, he'd express some dissatisfaction of my behavior loud and clear as well. We'd both been given reason to pause and reflect and we'd both done that. Without getting too close and personal what I am saying is that there had been a shift in both of our states of mind as to possible solutions to our personal dilemma.

He took the initiative. Well, we had a chat on the couch first, when he got home from a dinner Thursday night and I kissed him goodnight. He came to bed sometime after I was asleep. He had been watching some World Movie about a woman and two men, was ravenous, and that got the ball rolling.

From there, there were several encounters over the weekend, each one bringing us closer together, each one relaxing me further and further. He wanted service and I was happy to give him the service he required. The details aren't for public consumption but what I will say is that I was aware of how spectacularly easy it was for me to obey every command and to take whatever he chose to give me. Obedience wasn't so much easy really as completely comfortable; compliance felt normal; right; as things should be in my life. I radiated in being obedient. It felt an enormous relief to be tested in these ways.

Later, as we were laying in one another's arms, after one of those 'after sex' naps that take you into a very deep sleep, he said to me, "You must never let another man know of your abilities to comply; what you can take. It would be dangerous. There's nothing you can't do; no place a man can't take you."

I thought about this a while. I was aware of this deep all body and mind erogenous zone for me; this great comfort I took in being nothing more than a fucktoy; this relief at expressing this part of me.

"I don't see how BDSM can happen with someone you don't know well. I can't travel to these places if I don't trust. It takes enormous trust."

"Oh, I think some girls go there, or try to go there, even with men who aren't trustworthy. That's what gets them into trouble."

I'm sure he's right, but I can't imagine it myself. I can't envisage being able to 'let go' with someone you don't love; maybe someone with whom you have developed a deep bond. I'm not entirely sure. I've had so few partners in my life. I know my desire to 'belong' is likely to be an issue in such a scenario. I know myself too well to believe that I can give that much to a man who doesn't think of me as 'his' - all pure speculation anyway.

I've heard of some people who are able to obey - to do things that don't turn them on; day after day. There isn't necessarily arousal in it for them; or at least, certainly not all of the time. Well, there is duty, isn't there? I have to go now and sort out the kitchen and the laundry and I am not getting any arousal out of the thought of doing that. I just know I'll be pleased when it is done and I can move onto something more fun.

Being a man's 'submissive' is like that - we aren't going to like all the things we have to do and we aren't going to be aroused by obeying all the time. Sometimes, we do it because we have to; enough said.

However, I'm the greedy sort. "It isn't always about arousal, bimbo" I'm told, from time to time. The thing is a direct command does arouse me. In the bedroom especially I do what I'm told instantly; I take what I'm given, without a shred of complaint. It is profoundly arousing to me. I give but, oh boy, do I receive!

It's the inability to partake in this 'give and take' that has so ailed me this year. As I said before, something had to give and it delights me to say that he did indeed give, and take.

Obedience training

I spent the best part of Sunday stuck on a blog in tumblr. I deserve credit for achieving a massive amount of laundry but in amongst that, yes, I was absorbed in the world of a man who presents as a very strict Dominant. He is not, he says, a boyfriend. He's a Dominant. He's good enough to explain how it came to this moment in time and he's perceptive about his inclinations and mindset. He knows what he wants and he knows that many women want to give him what he wants. He is not wanting, it appears, a permanent situation, and having a wife, kids and a house in the suburbs is very far from his mind, as far as I can tell. He's urbane; a sophisticate; an educated man, interested in the Arts; creative.

I think he's real. I really do. I am less gullible than I used to be. For goodness sake, one of the people in my writing class has set up a blog not unlike this to benefit his writing practice and create a character, so anything is entirely possible. Even so, I think the man in question is pretty genuine. He's very, very consistent. So, let's assume, for the sake of the argument that he is entirely genuine.

If I could use only one word to describe his philosophy about the power exchange relationship it would be 'obedience'. No matter what else he might be asked by readers or what he might write, it all comes down to this word. In an ideal world, he writes, he would never have to punish a girl because she would be completely obedient. Since it is probably not possible for someone to be obedient all the time, and especially at the beginning of a relationship, his view is that you make sure that the first time she disobeys you the punishment is completely detestable  to the submissive. So, she might enjoy a spanking. Make sure the spanking is awful; something that she never wants to experience again. Whatever it is, make sure she hates it. It might be 1000 lines or kneeling in the corner for an hour. So long as it is a completely distasteful experience.

This sort of writing is where I began years ago in my reading. I located somewhere a man that said that as a Dominant you have to be a bit like Fonsie; create a persona of being tough, be tough once and then the power arrangement was forever clear. The man yesterday with the tumblr blog said that he'd never had to repeat the same lesson with the same girl; that thereafter he had her obedience. I wonder about that. Yes, an unpleasant experience will be memorable but will it be remembered forever? Perhaps so.

Somehow in my mind there's a difference between being in fear of someone and being quite sure of what the consequences will be for certain behaviors. This is where the (brutal) punishment spanking idea worries me as a philosophy. I can completely come to terms with being pushed beyond my limits for a spanking that is done outside of the punishment realm, but I'm not at all sure how I'd feel later about a man who took me to the realms that this tumblr blogger is suggesting he has taken girls because they were disobedient. There is a part of me that says that disobedience is a break down of the agreed dynamic of the relationship and that this must be sorted but that there are many ways to a skin a cat and many ways to get the dynamic back where it should be, for both your sakes, without having the fear button kick into place in her mind. (Or, am I being pedantic?)

Technically speaking, a harsh spanking is okay, except for the fact that I worry about the repercussions. I'm not sure how I would feel, if my feelings would be forever changed; not just my feelings about ever disobeying again and doing that thing again, whatever it may be, but my feelings about the man. That's the thing. I've been spanked soundly for being naughty (can't remember what I did) and my feelings didn't change but that's because, I think, that I wasn't spanked so soundly that I'd never do another naughty thing ever again. Maybe it would have done me good to have that sort of spanking where I forever feared another one. I'm really not sure about all this at all.

Generally speaking, my experience is that any disobedience or break down in the power dynamic is going to lead to a breakdown in the relationship overall. This tends to mean that communication is thwarted, giving me an opportunity to decide how I feel about things. And, how does that make me feel? That makes me feel that I've made a mistake and that I want to get things sorted and back to normal. It makes me want to make up and say that  I am sorry. It confirms the submission. Every mistake ultimately makes the power more present and predetermined. Every mistake makes me wanting to make no more mistakes, until one day I stop making mistakes. Until one day, viola, I'm trained! I'm the submissive, the girl who obeys and he's the Dominant, the man who has the power.

Yes, you can spank them unmercifully or you can do the hard yards and let time take it course (which is not to say that a sound spanking isn't part of the deal, by the way). If she has a genuine submissive nature, and the Dominant holds his nerve, she'll eventually see obedience as a very natural thing; a turn on; the way she desires to live.

Obedience

When I want to soothe myself or to radiate in a state of deep ease of thought I imagine myself in the owned state. My thoughts don't pass through my brain but instead I am so wired into the connection with an owner that I simply respond to his words immediately, without thought. It's this state of mind that permeates my mind when it is at deep rest, no matter what variations the moment calls for.

He might want me to train daily, or even three times a day to take a particularly large anal toy; a toy that, if I were to allow my thought processes to take over, might frighten and intimidate me. But, I'm secure in the fact that everything he has me do is right for me, is well thought out by him, and hence I don't need to give it any thought of my own.

Writing right now, with this thought deeply embedded in my psyche and in my soul I am in a state of deep peace. I feel happy. I am not effervescently happy. Rather, it is the sort of happiness when one gets deep in touch with one's own nature. The world stops. There is silence. Bliss.

Right now the word 'obedience' makes me happy. In my marriage, there are no commands. There is no opportunity to obey at this time. I understand that I am on my own in this way at this time. Yet, in my own way I can obey myself and even this is something.


I am calm. I am quiet. I am thinking gentle thoughts.

I say this many times a day to myself and feel that even though I have commanded this of myself, my obedience to this way of life is a something. My nature is not fully expressed but I do understand my nature. I recognize the loss but I am not allowing it to swamp me. On the contrary my spirits have risen. I know exactly why. To obey, to trust. That is everything to me.

Dress code

As a woman interested in fashion and an admirer of beautiful things, I acquired a relatively large wardrobe. As a woman who desired that sense of being owned to the point of adoring the object state, it wasn't going to be possible to hold onto that expansive wardrobe.

I divested myself of many articles of clothing and it felt ever so much better. But, what happened to me over the next few years is what happens to all of us if you aren't careful. Your wardrobe, your house and your life becomes uncomfortably filled with new things. I'd experience the pleasure of buying a beautiful scarf perhaps, only to feel low when I put it away with the many other beautiful scarves in my collection. Did I really need to buy another?

In fact, what had happened to me was that I had embraced the idea of having a wardrobe of clothing and accessories in good working order - not too little and not too much - but I had failed to take on part B of the dress code - that a purchase of a cardigan, say, meant that I needed to give away a cardigan I already had. To put it another way, if my cardigans were all still loved and in good working order, why was I buying another?

Sometimes, I see a bargain out there, a dress that is so well priced and flattering that I purchase it on the spare of the moment. The task in that case is to go home and find a dress to give away that this new purchase will replace. At times, this throws me into a bit of a state. I have to really search my wardrobe to locate something that is ready to be removed from the wardrobe. So far, I have always located an item because if I don't locate an item, back to the store the new dress must go. That's the rule.

Once upon a time, I would have found this dress code rule onerous and unpleasant. It would not have turned me on and I'd have felt resentful and underprivileged. Not any more. I thrive on my dress code, luxuriate in the time taken to consider an addition to the wardrobe and often discover that in the few days taken to consider the item I decide that it is an unnecessary purchase and one that I can certainly do without. If I do decide I want it and purchase the garment, it is with clear intention and understanding that the garment is needed, much loved and desired, and will be worn more or less immediately.

As time has gone  by I've realized that I honestly do thrive under control and my dress code is an important aspect of that control. It takes me deep into the object state which for me is very much desired.

Ownership

It's early in the morning. I tried to do some academic reading but my heart and concentration weren't in it and I wandered about kinky blogs and the like for a while. My head was all 'dolly'; not at all 'girl', so in the end I picked up the leads and the dogs and I headed out for a walk. It's a brisk, dull morning here but the wind has died down and it's very quiet; hardly any people out and about. A woman engaged me in conversation for a few minutes and three men and I passed one another. They all said "good morning" and were perfectly harmless but women here are a big on edge after a fatal kidnapping recently. These sorts of incidents shouldn't allow women to feel afraid, but for a while, until the memory fades, they do. We are vulnerable and that's all there is to that.

A couple of days ago, my husband engaged me in very gentle sex; lots of caressing and rubbing, hair brushing; all very nice. Yet, I must confess my heart wasn't in it. I wanted to be handled; handled roughly actually. I didn't complain but he knows me well enough to know when something is wrong and for a few minutes he left the room. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself; restless; needing something more.

He returned to the bedroom and when he did he changed direction one hundred and eighty degrees. He was firm; demanding; even rough. He reached for his cane. Well, it isn't really a cane. It's a piece of dried vine that is thick, not entirely straight. It hurts a lot; even a medium tap stings. I was too surprised to do, or say, anything about it.  He manhandled me, pulling me over the bed and he demanded that I stay bent over. He struck my bottom several times. I knew my son wasn't too far away and I tried not to squeal but that cane (for want of a better word) won't allow silence and I squawked out my protest.

"Pout it right out at me," he insisted. "I want to see your holes."

And, rather intimidated by his intense voice and the choice of words, together with the fact that he was beating my bottom, I did exactly as he said and stayed in precisely the position he had put me.

When he'd had enough of that, he pulled me by the hair over to the door frame that leads into the walk-in cupboard and he smacked my ass with his hand and told me to put my hands on my head and my nose to the wood and to stay there.

"Don't you dare move!"

I didn't.

He pushed and pulled at me in various ways, in both mind and body, until I was a little teary and eventually he said he was allowing me a few minutes alone and he left.

I had a little cry. But, it soon dawned on me that the assault on my sensibilities was extremely pleasing. I liked it.

Since then, there have been other encounters. Yesterday morning, I had just got into the shower when he walked in and said to "Get out. I want to use you." I got out and dried myself and when I walked into the bedroom he simply positioned me, entered me and had his way with me.

I liked that too.

He can see that I am happier.

Last night, I told him that I'd received an email from a friend to attend a charity event with her next Wednesday evening.

"Do you want to ask permission?" he said.

We looked at one another, and with a frisson between us, because I don't normally ask permission but rather advise in advance, I said,

"May I have permission to go with Janey to the event on Wednesday?"

"Yes, you may go."

"Thank you."

All of this doesn't come entirely naturally to him at all, but when he can be like this for me it really does make my heart sing. It's that feeling of ownership; of belonging, that is so important to me.

Comfort, the kinky way

In 'real life' when I think about being comforted I think of the usual 'girlie' things, like soft words, big hugs and gentle kisses. I think of him telling me that it will all be all right; that he will be all right and I will be all right. I think of smiles and then laughs and after that, all is right in my world. I respond very well to a positive and upbeat approach. If he is upbeat then I'm upbeat.

In my thoughts, say, when I am waking in the morning and I'm in that world between being awake and being asleep, 'comfort' takes on a different face. Take this morning, for example:

I'm naked and he's called me to him. He says that he needs to spank me for disobeying him. The spanks on my bottom with the hairbrush should be received as a symbol of his will and his love for me and that my staying still to receive them is a symbol of my understanding that his will prevails and that I am receiving the spanks with love.


He asks me to climb over his knee and he begins to spank me with his hand. They're getting harder and I so very much want to wiggle away from his hand but he reminds me every now and again that I must stay still and accept the correction. A wiggling girl is a girl who has not accepted the importance of the spanking in her life. If I should wiggle it's a sign to him that he must spank harder and longer until I recognize the futility of wiggling.


Now, he takes up the wooden bath brush that stings so viciously. He tells me that he is going to turn over the counter and that when the sands all drift down the spanking will be over. Only three minutes. Can I be a good girl and stay still for three minutes while my bottom is well spanked?


What else is there to say? I tell him that I will do my best. He tells me that I must give into it and to just accept it; to let it pass through me and to allow the discomfort to guide me to better behavior in the future. He tells me that he is sure that I can be still; that I understand how important it is to receive this correction.


I try to hold onto his words; to please him by staying still but the heat is rising and I'm desperate to get away from that brush. I try to focus on the sands but there are so many of them still to pass through the little outlet and I begin to howl to the moon, to relieve the heat of my bottom and distract myself. Or, do I howl because I have to do something?!


When I have quietened again and just let myself surrender to the brush he tells me that perhaps next time when I have a mind to disobey I may remember the feeling of lying helplessly over his knee and I may choose differently. Do I think I may choose differently next time, he wants to know?


"Yes, Sir, yes, very differently," I assure him.


I am keeping a close eye on the sands now and it is not too long to go. Maybe five seconds, four seconds, three seconds, two seconds, one second...


"Time, Sir!"


He checks the timer. 


"Ahhhh, so it is, that's a good girl."


He rubs his hand over my bottom and I welcome the relief of the rubbing.


"Come to Daddy."


I curl up in his arms and he gives me a big hug, a rub of my back and then my bottom.


"All better now. My little girl is a good girl again."


He coos into my ear how proud he is of me and how this is just a little aberration. He's sure the correction has set me back on track and that I won't do it again.


"You won't do it again, will you darling?"


"No, Sir, not ever ever again."


"I thought not. Good girls don't disobey, do they?"


"No, they don't."


"Why don't they disobey, darling?"


"Because they are good."


"Yes. And, perhaps they may need to be spanked very soundly if they disobey. Do good girls like to be spanked very soundly."


"They don't like that at all!"


"No. So fortunate that you are a good girl, my darling. I wouldn't want to have to do that again. I won't have to do that again, will I darling?"


"I doubt it."


"I do too."


"Now, run along, there's a good girl."


"Yes, Sir."


And, then my day began. Such a comforting start to it.

She only wishes to please

It's a rare thing for a woman to have the opportunity to spill her mind's contents to another person. She knows that if the thoughts are too slutty, it opens her up to correction and castigation. I've been lucky. I had someone who was happy to know all the corners of my mind until one particular day when I was in a very sharing sort of state of mind (when cindi lets loose all bets are off) and I told him about a visualization I had had in group meditation class.

I was in a gorgeous, gorgeous violet colored cave and in that cave I felt incredibly aroused and content. I came to a contained space in the cave and laid out on the floor were a mass of beautifully colored cushions. I laid down naked on the cushions and along came a man, a beautiful man, and he ravished me with kisses, entered me and brought me to climax. I was in a sort of reverie because it had been the most amazing visualization and it really was nothing short of a body and mind climax.

However, I didn't quite get the response I was expecting.

"Well, cindi needz correktin der coz she shood nut hab tots bowt enebodi but her onnir."

cindi studied those words carefully because nothing quite like them had ever appeared on her screen before.

"ohhhhhhh, cindi hab no ideuh hoo dat man. cood onnir or cood nut. He nut hab identiti, no fays. She nut no hoo he, jus wut he did wif cindi."

(something like that, it would be a long haul to find the exact words, but that's the gist of it)

The next time I was asked to share my thoughts about a similar sort of thing I reminded him that last time cindi had been corrected.

"tel mr d"

Cindi did tell and no such correction was again uttered.

Now, fast forward to last night. A doll and I were having a very intimate conversation sharing all sorts of intimacies, as dolls tend to do when they get going. It put me in a dolli frame of mind. It reminded me of how utterly divine it is to be the doll in all her glory; immersed in her happy and slutty, her obedient and completely willing state of mind. I absolutely adored this state of mind. I glowed as the doll. When nothing but 'cindi' this woman who writes to you now in  the English language (needing to correct every second word because she feels the doll within her and really cares not to express herself in English) was the happiest and the most gloriously complete  she has ever been.

It was very late. I had a shower, went to bed and straight to sleep. Sometime thereafter I dreamed. Whatever I dreamed I cannot say, but something happened. My sleeping psyche had merged with the psyche of the doll and some entity was with me, kissing me all over and demanding of me what he wanted. Whatever he wanted was what cindi wanted and it seems he wanted to enter her ass. I semi woke, realizing that I had brought my knees up under me and was making myself available for him. I wanted very much to feel him enter me and I was disappointed when I realized it was just a dream.

However, I wasn't unhappy. For a few fleeting moments I had reached the cindi state of being and I welcomed her like the old and dear friend that she is; the very deepest, darkest,  lightest and best part of me.

 Who was he? I do not know. I only know that cindi wishes to please.

She 
only
wishes
to
please.

Obeying commands

Saturday morning. He decided to spank me, not because I'd been naughty but because he knew it would do me good. A few minutes later, he had me lie straight in the middle of the bed and he tied my hands together and then my ankles. I felt like a pencil. This was my thought.

He took the paddle now and applied it to my bottom and I sank down into that space where I like to go; that sense of letting go; that sense of warmth; of relinquishing all and any control.

After a period of time of unknown length he adjusted the ropes so that I was in the fetal position on my side. My eyes were covered and had been from the outset.

"Go to sleep," he said.

And, like the obedient girl that I am, I instantly did.

Bliss. 

The Patriarchal voice

The patriarchal voice is the voice that refers to the rules and philosophy of the patriarchal system. To keep it simple, when speaking of the patriarchal system we might otherwise say, 'It's a man's world'.

I think you can argue that part of this philosophy handed down from generation to generation is that femininity is inferior to masculinity. Sometimes, women decide to mimic men's behavior because they determine that to live in a man's world, they have to play by the rules and femininity won't get them where they want to go. Thus, they put restrictions on the feminine.

The patriarchal system is not just inclined to see femininity as inferior. It is as damaging to men as it is to women because under the patriarchal system, men must play by the rules as well. It is difficult for men to express their vulnerability and their emotions because it has been thought that's not expressing strength or leadership; those skills strongly supported by the patriarchal system.

This patriarchal voice is contained within us. We take those messages in from society and we carry them within us. This voice speaks to us and effects our decision making and our behavior, often in subliminal ways. I don't profess to understand the dynamic of this voice as it effects all decision making we do but I was struck by some statements in my friend's notes on this subject.

She writes that when the patriarchal voice is suppressed or disowned it continues to live on in our lives in a dis-empowering way. This energy can come to us from a person outside of ourselves who carries that patriarchal energy and may treat us badly. A boss or a partner may use that energy and the result could be judgmental statements, an authoritarian stance, a lack of feeling or respect for others or an inflexible point or view. Both men and women may have a patriarchal voice. Women can make harsh judgments about other women just as easily as a man can make a judgment of a woman. (think: witches of Salem, perhaps)

The inner patriarch is used to leading and directing and thus, my friend concludes, if we were to give away that energy to someone else, we lose ourselves. She gives the example of a client who was a people pleaser  to the point where she lost her 'self". Her patriarchal voice had been disowned and thus manifested itself in two men - her husband and her business partner - who belittled her, negated her actions and devalued what she brought to their lives.

You might start to get the feeling that I am struggling to put these thoughts together and come up with something that makes sense to me. I think what my new friend is getting at is that her patriarchal voice silenced her and allowed her husband and even her children to make decisions on her behalf that led to a great deal of pain. She became a victim to that patriarchal voice. Other people ruled her with a iron fist and she allowed that to happen.

My friend had a patriarchal voice within her that constantly reminded her of her inadequacies as a mother, a wife, a daughter. To become successful in the world she took on patriarchal energy but she lost her femininity. Eventually, she realized she could be feminine and still powerful. She discovered she could use her femininity powerfully.

I'm still cogitating about this but I can say with certainty that my goal is to use my femininity powerfully. My husband sometimes refer to a scale of femininity and I happen to be on the furthest end. I have been a victim to a voice within my head that feels it best to put other people's needs ahead of my own, often needlessly. I'm about to jump in the car to go to a screen writing lecture that I want to go to even though it is over the dinner hour - a big move in my life!

So, I've sometimes allowed myself to be the victim of a patriarchal kind of thinking in the sense that I have felt it my responsibility to ensure everyone's comfort and satisfaction ahead of my own, as if my needs were unimportant in comparison to theirs. I'm not sure if this is patriarchal thinking that I gathered from society at large or just that it seemed easier and better to put my needs secondary to others and thereby ensure the smooth running of life. I'm not entirely sure why I took that to extremes. It just seemed to work that way.

Embracing my femininity in the form of allowing my sexuality to be front and centre in my life is certainly empowering for me and to that end I have been brave. We live and learn.   As I read more of what my friend has written my thoughts may change. One thing I can say with certainty is that she is happy and at peace now finally and her thinking about this inner voice appears worthy of more exploration.

Good working order

cindi follows quite a lot of people on tumblr and let's face it, all of those people are naughty and put up very suggestive and sometimes, downright rude pikkis. There are little one or two second videos that really capture her attention. Recently, her owner walked into the bedroom and there was cindi watching a man thrust into a girl's ass over and over and over again. It didn't bother him initially that cindi was spending her time watching this video. However, he did eventually find it distracted him from the point he wanted to make to cindi and he told her to turn it off. Unfortunately, she didn't have time to save it for her later enjoyment. she just can't understand why someone hasn't reblogged it by now so that she can see it again. Perhaps some things are just too naughty for girls to reblog, she guesses.

cindi came across the above pikki in the last day and she loves it just as much as she loves the rude pikki. She used this same pikki in her private blog just this morning and she said this:

" Dunna let newun tel diffrinli. Bimboz need lotsalotsa luv n tendrness. Dey no der plays. Dey no dat der job 2 obey but wiffowt da warm feelinz n da tuchi, cuddlz n gud tymz, dey nut happi bimboz. N Y wood newun wan netin difrin dan a happi, ditzi, fun luvin bimbo? So, if wan a bimbo in ya lyf, beri portin 2 lookiz afta her wel. Dat da deeel. She getsa da gud tymz n she stey beedien n gif gud servissss. Dat da onli deel bimboz inristd in"

I think cindi is 'spot on' on this score. Whilst there might be some people out there who have a drive to serve and be loyal to someone that is not dependent on receiving a sense of affection and tenderness in return, I can say without a shadow of a doubt I am not one of those people and it's pretty clear from her words that cindi, who after all is a simple minded doll, feels the same way.


Obedience isn't some sort of quality that is built in regardless of how one is treated. Well, perhaps initially it is and perhaps a doll can remain obedient regardless of how she is treated for a time. Eventually, it's not going to work. When she realizes that she doesn't have what she really needs, what this gal is receiving in this pikki, then she's going to start to feel pretty downhearted about that.

When bimboz get sad (or even mad), this is what it is about. I have heard say that a doll isn't entitled to much. She is just an object and she needs to accept whatever treatment comes her way. I don't agree and cindi clearly doesn't agree either. You need to look after your doll. You need to look after your toys because toys can break if you don't. Give them a pinch of praise, a dose of love, a little whisper in their ear and in this way, owners can keep their possessions in good working order.

Training and growing up

A good 'slave' friend of mine and I were having a long chat recently. The conversation ranged over a diverse range of topics. Being a slave and living the life of a slave much longer than I have even known about this sort of thing, I give consideration to all that she has to say. She's a bright girl and she's thought long and hard about all these topics. She says she learns from me but I never walk away from a conversation from her feeling uneducated.

The conversation turned to 'obedience' and she was telling me that whilst doing certain daily tasks for her Master was difficult in the beginning, they have become simply the way she lives. She had been trained and she now felt no resistance to these rules and regulations. In fact, she didn't even think about them at all. She just did them as she would brush her teeth before she went to bed. It was just life.

For reasons unknown my mind went to cooking. Perhaps ten years ago, after cooking a zillion meals for the family I sort of 'jacked up' (Is that another peculiar Australian expression? It means I went on strike.) I started to complain and wanted to know why it was solely my responsibility to provide the meals. We had a few weeks of restlessness about it. On occasion, I'd be slow to get the meal prepared and seemingly blissfully unaware of the revolution going on, he'd stay in his study and work (or read, or watch the news, or whatever). Of course, I had to allow for four hungry children as well as him and so at about 7.30 pm I went in there once or twice and said something like, "I wonder how long you'd stay in here and wait for someone to call you to say that your meal was on the table. At what point would your hunger take over?"

He explained the game plan. If I needed an ingredient which I had forgotten to buy, he'd go get it.Or, if I needed his help from time to time I was welcome to make out a list and he'd go to the grocery store for me. If (and he was really referring to a weekend night) I asked him nicely, he'd go pick up some Chinese food. But besides that, the food for the family was my job and the sooner I accepted that the better we would all be.

The laying down of the rules and the realization that he had no intention whatsoever of changing his mind meant that eventually I just accepted the situation as law. I obeyed and made the dinner without complaint thereafter.

Do I always do so without thinking about it? I would not say that. My mind often goes to the fact that I am contained within that rule; that I might feel like complaining a bit but I know that the results won't be to my liking and so I don't complain. This is not to say that I don't often enjoy making the meal. Cooking is a way to show your creativity and I am a 'scratch cook'. I make the meals from first principles with loads of vegetables and healthy ingredients. I take pride in the fact that we sit down as a family each night and eat a healthy meal; discuss the events of the day. We are all winners according to this rule.

I'm  not at all displeased to be contained within that rule. On some level I am conscious of enjoying that I know the lay of the land and that things are decided. One of the arguments he gave at the time was that I expect him to do certain things without complaint and he expected me to do this chore without complaint. That's fair.

Now please don't misunderstood me or be at all offended when I say that there are many things that submissive gals and 'slaves' do that we don't and won't incorporate into our lives. My husband would have enormous difficulty in doing something that didn't seem natural and I think I would too. I'm not going to greet him at the door naked on my knees. People come and go from this house at their leisure. There is just no way that either of us would ever relax long enough to do that knowing that some adult child is about to turn the key in the lock. Even if they weren't here, I just can't see it. He'd never think to ask that of me and so it would seem staged to both of us. Of course, one should never use the word "never"!

Yet, he does have his expectations. He isn't the least inclined to want to hear me use any swear words. (He once read the blog and saw that I had used a swear word and told me to delete it at once.) He expects politeness at all times. He does not care to be criticized. If I want something of him, or for him to do something he will happily listen at the appropriate time but he doesn't want to hear any frustration in my voice. He wants an attitude of working together to achieve the things I want. And, if he says "no" or he can't do it yet or he can't afford it yet, that's the way it goes. I have to understand he is doing his best and he has our best interests at heart.

At times, he has rejected my opinions and ideas only to tell me later that I was right. This is frustrating. Why lie about that? It's hard to have a good idea summarily rejected. But, if you look at the overall game plan, we've done well and we live well.

I mentioned to my friend that within the D/s relationship I had lost much of the sense that I used to have that I was sometimes a "little girl".  She told me that I had evolved and that was why the little girl had gone. I knew how to obey now. I was trained. (Correct me A if I don't have the right tenor of your words there.)

On some level, the thought is appealing; that I am trained now; that I can't make mistakes any more; that I just do as I am trained to do. I do do something daily that I enjoy to do. Only very recently has it become the norm for me to comply, almost without thinking. I've discovered enough times that it is detrimental to me not to do the task daily to understand that it is easier to do it and get on with my day (or night) than to be resistant to that knowledge. It is the way I live now.

And yet, I miss the "little girl" quite profoundly. I heard an old podcast recently about the "Daddy" status and whilst I've never entirely bought into that word or the implications of it, I do love the concept that a girl is treasured and taken care of, as well as having expectations of her. In my fantasies my Daddy is no push over. He doesn't hand over a few hundred bucks for me to go squander. On occasion he may treat his girl, but he is strict. His girl achieves. His girl does as told. (You might like to check out the Agnes and Frederick story if you like that sort of thing). The point is, she gets to be small. She gets to goof off a bit at times and is calmly but determinedly brought back into line (okay, occasionally he brings out a strap or something but it is rare and done with love.)

I think what I love about the "little girl" is that little girls are always loved and forgiven by their Daddies. They may be naughty and they may disobey but it is not fatal. A hiding isn't fatal. And, he'll hug her after and tell her it hurt him more than it hurt her. And, she'll sob and tell him that she is so sorry to have disappointed him and she'll try never to do it again. He has to correct her bur he never stops loving her. Do you see how comforting this concept is? (My husband sometimes says to me, "You are very cute, little girl." and I adore that.)

Does the man who Tops a girl, who sets the rules down and ensures they are enforced and punishes (perhaps by withdrawing from her) when they are not obeyed go on caring for the girl? And, if she does comply regularly and repeatedly, is he careful not to be too complacent about that? I might make the meal without resistance but that doesn't mean I don't hope that someone might say, "This is delicious!" I might do my daily task without question but that does not mean I don't hope that I may still receive some praise for doing so. If the praise and pampering should dry up when the girl is trained, well then...I don't particularly want to grow up.

Insistence

The complexity of some women is that they like things to be steady, calm and ordered at the same time as they need challenge in their lives. They take the time to organize their lives and those in it because they want to feel ‘in control’. At the same time as they want to feel ‘in control’ they need to experience challenge. They want to go out of their comfort zones.

For a partner handling both of these impulses it can be tricky, no? Making love or accepting a command would be good for both of you, but how to keep her mind off all the other things she has racing through her head? How to impact that desire of hers to seek  her own comfort and follow her own impulses; to make her own choices? These are the questions you ask yourself.

Part of her just wants to sink down in the warm comfortable bed and go 'ni ni' but the other part of her would rise to any challenge you offer her too, yes? Well, not necessarily. She is caught between her two needs – that of slumber and that of having her mind (via her body) stimulated.

She says she wants to go to sleep. You say you want her to do as she is told. You banter back and forth. It isn’t so much that she hopes that you stop repeating yourself as that she needs to feel your control, your insistence, a little force.

When she is sure that you will not waver, that you mean for her to obey you no matter how long it takes, she concedes. “Very well,” she says, possibly a little petulantly; maybe in a resigned tone.

Off she goes to fulfil your demand. Quite suddenly, she is not sleepy any more. She feels bright, alert, switched on. She offers these observations to you and you say, “Imagine that”, as if it were a revelation; as if this outcome had never occurred before. She likes to pretend that there is no sarcasm in that remark, even though she knows it is there.

The dynamic between the two of you is restored. When she does fall to sleep, it will be with a lightness of being. She followed instructions. She pleased you and you are proud of her. She glows. You prevailed. Right now, all is well in your world.