Discipline

Earlier today, I read an article entitled ‘Effective Behavior management Part 1’ by Kelly B. Cartwright, Ph. D. She isn’t talking about kinky people such as me and you, but rather effective behaviour management styles that adults can use with children. Having said that, I believe that what she had to say has some relevance to the D/s situation.

Ms. Cartwright notes that:

"One common misconception about discipline is that discipline is synonymous with punishment. The Latin root of the word discipline, however, means "instruction" or "knowledge." Thus, discipline is really a process by which adults teach children and convey knowledge about appropriate behavior for various situations. However, some methods of discipline are better at achieving this than others."

She notes that the research suggests that there are at least three different styles of discipline.

“The first, power-assertive discipline, involves such adult behavior as spanking, withdrawal of privileges, and threats of punishment or physical harm. Children respond to adults' requests out of fear, rather than respect. Consequently, children's motivations for appropriate behavior are external, and they conform to expectations to avoid punishment. However, when children find themselves in situations where they will not be "caught," they are likely to engage in inappropriate behavior.”

To put it in kinky words, the dominant may make it crystal clear that if some order is disobeyed, unpleasant punishment will ensue. Perhaps the submissive woman would not conform to the order unless she knew she would be punished, and thus, under threat, obeys.

Secondly, there is the kind of discipline wherein the dominant expresses his displeasure by being distant or hurt.

“The second discipline style, love withdrawal, involves such adult behavior as refusals to speak or listen to children, threats to leave children, or expressions of dislike and disappointment. Adults who practice this discipline style often give children the proverbial "cold shoulder" when inappropriate behavior occurs. As a consequence, children conform to expectations because they fear abandonment or the loss of adults' love and affection. Like power-assertive discipline, love withdrawal produces external motivation for appropriate behavior.”

The point to note is that both of these strategies that attempt to manage children’s behaviour use external motivation for appropriate behaviour. So far, there has been no talk about the motivation of the child, or in our case, the submissive woman.

“The third discipline style, induction, incorporates the true nature of discipline: teaching. Adults who practice induction provide children explanations for appropriate behavior as well as reasonable consequences for inappropriate behavior. Because children understand WHY certain actions are expected of them and others are prohibited, they internalize reasons for these behaviors. As a result, children's motivation to behave appropriately comes from within, and they are more likely to engage in expected behaviors even when they are in situations where they are not being watched and thus will not be "caught." An additional benefit of induction is that children will be more likely to understand the effects of their behaviors on others and exhibit empathy.”

When I first started out on a D/s path, I was so extraordinarily excited, so utterly switched on, that it did not make much difference to me which strategy the dominant used. I was turbo charged and loving every minute of it. “Bring it on! Whatever!”

However, I am now a couple of years down the track, and I have found myself wanting something more “real”. If I am going to have a ritual, it has to have some meaning for me. *I* have to see the value of it. I have to understand “WHY” it is important that I should do this ritual, “WHY” it is important that I should get a few strokes of the cane each morning, “WHY” I should make out an inventory of my wardrobe to establish a dress code.

I am not making a judgement on others when I say that *I* want to do this very intelligently. I want to be taught “WHY” and I want to “internalize reasons” for acting in certain ways.

Over the past few weeks, I have established very clearly in my own mind that I want to be dominated, now and forever. Without that sort of relationship in my life, I feel so much less. So, on my own, I have established the necessity of such a relationship for me. Now, I want to be taught “WHY” I am to do as I am told.

My hope is that in this way, I can embrace my lessons without resistance; be the ‘good girl’ that I want to be. To put it in another way, my brain has to be engaged in this process. I never will earn “slave” status. My dominant is not really interested in imposing his will. What he wants is a happy, well behaved girl. If I am happy, then he is happy and being dominated makes me happy. If certain people can be proud of me and I can be proud of me for the lessons I learn and embrace, that’s enough for me. A "good girl" is rewarded with love, affection and attention. That is exactly what I want.