Saturday, May 2, 2015

The final bow

As has been well chronicled, cindi has had a lot of encouragement to be the one and true identity. Goodness, my mentor was unhappy about this blog years ago. But, I held onto it and returned to it repeatedly feeling that it was a matter of survival really; that I'd be swamped without this blog to return to, to state my case, free of influence; free to say what was on my mind.

Something very profound happened nearly a week ago now. I had a session with a mind/body practitioner. You see, my emotional distress had become physical distress and my body was hurting so much - the left side of my body: my neck, shoulders, back and hip - that I couldn't walk up stairs without being in agony. I was never free of pain. And, the negative chatter in my head, that was relentless.

This practitioner is not a stranger to me. I met him over two years ago and I began to do some group work with him a few months ago. I was becoming aware of the mind/body connection and when I was in real trouble I sought him out, rather than, say, a physiotherapist. I knew I needed more.

He sat me down in front of him, face to face. He poured me a cup of Nature's Garden tea. He reminded me that the pain in my body was related to my emotions. I can't reconstruct how he managed to get me to spill all, but I did. I told him about cindi, about my true identity, my submissive mindset.

Actually, he used words to describe me, 'an obedient pet', I remember that now. He may have meant my role in my marriage, I'm not sure, but they were the words that opened the flood gates.

'You don't like me using those words, do you?'

'I can be that. I can play in those spaces. I love to play in those spaces.'

He took that in, nodded slightly, and that's when it all tumbled out.

He asked me if I was interested in having my face read. I don't enjoy having photos taken of me usually but I agreed and soon thereafter he sat me down again and showed me the face that people see and the interior me. He showed me cindi.

I was blown away. cindi isn't present on this blog. That's the exterior me.

cindi is profoudly, deeply vulnerable. She is more than submissive. I'd call her a slave. She lives in a small space. She is the embodiment of empathy and love. She needs a lot of love. She is crying out for it.

It was hard for me to look at cindi. Truly, I wished I could look away. She is that vulnerable. Still, I did continue to look at her, and as I looked at her, I accepted her as the real me.

'When you look out into the world ask, what does CINDI see? How would cindi respond to this person?'

Of course. Of course. The movement between the one persona and the other was hurting me.  I could see that now. I had to embrace cindi as my one and true entity. I had to live true to cindi.

It was time to heal my body and heal it he did. It was very painful at times but I have gone from excruciating pain on Monday to walking my dog within the Botanical Gardens on Friday afternoon virtually pain free.

The chatter has gone. The dreadful negative chatter that was filling my mind has gone. As cindi, true to myself, I am making decisions with clarity. My problems are not mysteriously and suddenly all gone, but I feel freer. I regularly check in with myself and this allows me to put what happens into a particular context. I can give out positive energy but I am not taking in negative energy. I am simply very content in my own skin.

It's been a long journey from the inception of this blog to now. It's often been a great comfort to write here and to receive some of the lovely comments I have received over time. They warmed my heart and reminded me that I was not alone. We are never truly alone, part of one big consciousness, but we must wrestle with our minds alone. We must find the strength and clarity to be true to ourselves. I urge you to do that.

Vesta bows and slips away; slips away peacefully. Be well.