Aspirational Statement

 It's quite lovely the efforts the hypnotist is making re this 'Contract', which we all agree is so poorly named. It's more a statement, an explanation, an Aspirational Statement. Yes, that seems the best description.

I decided on my 'Dealbreaker'. The hypnotist assures me it is likely, when Trust is 150% assured, that we are likely to want to have secondary partners, to get more experimental; for the Control to extend to such scenarios of which I can only imagine, although D describes them luridly while I just quietly chuckle. (There's just so way!) I assure him this won't happen, and he assures me that that's what they all say, and yet 70% of clients change their minds.

With this in mind my Dealbreaker would be if I ever became secondary to my husband; if someone else was more desirable than me; if he loved someone more than he loved me. 

I say this because it is my strongest feeling of what I want in my life - abiding love and desire - and what I don't want - heartache - but also because I have been reading the blog of a Slave who was under the misapprehension for several years that her Owner desired other women, loved other women, more than he loved her. Before he died, he was able to assure her she always came first in his heart, but still she lived with that heartache for several years, and I definitely want no part of that scenario.

The hypnotist's strongest advice is to write down 'preferences' and not 'Rules', but my husband is disagreeing at this point. D believes that if it is a Rule, there's a punishment, each and every time for the breaking of a rule, for the rest of our lives. Hence, call them preferences, and then he make an assessment that has more flexibility, more give and take. They are working it out.

I have made a lot more suggestions - plenty of them now and they will be written down for appraisal and potential adjustment. We have committed, that is, given our pledge of honor, to D/s forever, so it has to be right. It has to signify our aspirations just so. It has to be a thing of beauty; a thing we build together.

Our relationship already feels a 1000% better than anything that ever went before it. I feel so much more myself and he does too. It's feeling quite quite wonderful. It goes like this - no matter in which era I live - in ancient times or in modern times - I am living out my nature, my true and authentic self - and growing. I am growing as a woman and that feels right.

Beauty in suffering

My mind can be too active (like you didn't know!) and can wake me in the middle of the night. I've found some wonderful meditation music that does the job in lulling me back to sleep; tibetan healing music.

I found the need to reach for my phone to make use of the music last night but was sidetracked by the invitation to listen to an interview. The words that enticed me were something like 'there's beauty in suffering'.

It turned out to be a long interview with someone I hadn't heard of before. He outlined a difficult childhood in England wherein school was rough and he began experimenting in various ways that led to all sorts of problems.

I had drifted off to sleep and when I roused again he had been married, the marriage wasn't a happy one and over time he found himself with three children and the payment of the house, two cars, three children and a wife. 

I think that nowadays he has found a sense of peace in his spiritual work, had been on a long and difficult hike with a master of hiking last week. He's obviously well known enough in some circles to be on the podcast so hopefully his life has turned a corner. It's not by any means perfect because he still pays for everything associated with his family though he is not allowed to see his children.

The point is that I heard enough to be able to say that he had had his fair share of suffering. I was delighted to realize that I found myself awake at just the right moment to hear him make the statement that had drawn me to the podcast in the first place.

He said something like, 'There is such beauty in suffering. When you suffer deeply, you notice the smallest good things. I think you notice them with more intensity than if you didn't suffer in that way.'

Personally, I don't think you have to be deep in suffering to notice the parting of clouds, the bees buzzing about flowers collecting pollen, the scent of a rose; the smile of a passerby. But, I do agree that these small but poignant moments of life can happen alongside suffering, possibly with more intensity.

It's almost like there is a protective part of the brain, no matter the difficulties of a life, whose work it is to say, 'Look at that! Isn't life grand?'

How the dominant works

I took great pleasure last night in watching two 50 year old women have their appearance transformed on the show What Not to Wear. When we met them they were both sad, tired and unkempt. As they were given positive attention and encouragement and shown the sort of clothing that would accentuate their assets they began to open and blossom like beautiful flowers. By the time their hair had been colored and cut in a style that was more contemporary and flattering they couldn't wipe the smiles off their faces.

They had been transformed into happy and fun loving women, brimming over with the sort of confidence that only engenders more and more happiness, for them and all the people in their lives. I can get quite teary over this sort of show, just as I shed tears of joy when a man got down on bended knee and proposed to his girlfriend on the Ellen DeGeneres show recently.

Transforming someone into their higher self is a wonderful experience - watching people come alive - and so it makes sense to me that some dominant personalities love to take a person and alter them. Of course, the possibilities are limitless but it seems to me that accentuating a woman's sexuality is something that dominants particularly love to do.

Some people would say that 'the slut' was always there in the girl and some people would say that she was led to appreciate being 'the slut'. I think both statements are true for many submissive women. Certainly, I've harbored rather slutty thoughts from the youngest age and kept them in the safe port of my mind. Those slutty thoughts, however, have required an environment that feels safe and most importantly, tolerant. More than that, it has required an environment where those thoughts are desired.

I've been open to becoming more slutty. I've enjoyed that. But, my thoughts alone were only ever going to take me so far. I've been influenced and exposed to ideas that were new to me. Initially, I had no intention of going further than seemed completely comfortable. Over time, this thought was turned on its head as my desires grew and grew. My predilections advanced in such a way that I never really knew, and still don't know, if what I desire now is what I always wanted (but, how is this so when my exposure was so limited?) or whether I was led to want what I now consider my deepest, darkest and most fervent desires, that may well have been in my mind in some form all along.

It's a very sophisticated, cerebral sort of dominance that transforms a girl over a period of time that could expand to years and years. Ever patient and vigilant, this type of dominant person takes great pleasure in slowly molding a person to want what they want, in such a way that it is almost impossible to decipher just what went on. All one can really say is that one changed; altered; transformed.

It's been my experience that most profound BDSM experiences can't be explained in words. I do, perhaps foolishly, have a go at doing just that here on the web journal at times, but the truth is that you can't explain to someone what something feels like until he or she experience it for himself or herself. I can't explain in words what it was like to be anally trained and adore that, any more than I can explain how it came to be that I became absolutely desperate to have my first latex hood recently. It's been on my mind for a good two years but it is only in the past two weeks that the passion for the experience overwhelmed me.

In fact, my husband had told me to order one some time ago and I don't know why I didn't do it then, except to say that I so very much wanted to get it right. It was my lack of understanding of exactly what I wanted, I think, that held me back from placing the order. Two days ago I asked my husband to help me measure the circumference of my head. Then, I discussed with him the merits of certain colors. We decided together on black because as he said, I didn't want any light coming in, and although baby pink is a divine thought, it's the block out feeling that I most want. This left the all important decision of deciding the weight of the latex and after some consultation with friends who know more than me in this department I went with the heavier weight.

When I pressed the button confirming the order I could not have been more excited about my purchase. It's thrilling to me to read the notes they send me via email giving me updates, the latest one being that the order is "being processed". I began this web journal in 2009 and if you had told me back then I'd be so absolutely delighted that my head was to be tightly covered in latex, with no eyes and no mouth, I'd have thought you were on something.

Slowly, one careful step at a time, I've been introduced to ideas that arouse me and thrill me to the core. I've come to understand the meaning of very deeply committed and connected couples. Their words didn't allow me to understand what they do exactly. I could see their contentment but I didn't fully understand it. I do now. It's deeply spiritual. It's stunningly beautiful.

The word 'slut' can't begin to describe the magnificence of two people wanting the very same thing; doing to and for one another what allows their souls to collide. Of course, you won't necessarily know what I mean because I can't tell you about something like that or describe something like that. To really understand, it must be lived. Power exchanges are not for the fainthearted, but for those people willing to go the distance, they are relationships that have a very tender quality; that ooze with love. 

The other side

I was immediately attracted to this photograph. I grew up on these sort of images. As a young girl, my best friend and I would study the latest Vogue and see page after page of photographs of serene looking and beautifully dressed and coiffed women. It helped that my best friend's mother had a hair salon and we often went there to get the latest hair do.  A few years later found us at a 'deportment school' and somewhere or other I still have the little prize I was given there for coming 'Top of the Class',  I think it was.

So, you see, right from the get go I was really made for the dolly state of mind. I love to be 'at one' with my home. I love to arrange the flowers, to make a meal from scratch, to have a dinner party, to be alone at home; me and my house. Sometimes my husband will come home at the end of the day and say, "Look at you, all dressed up and nowhere to go!" because I often do change into something nice in the middle of the day - get all 'dolled' up. I think that harks back to the fact that my mother often changed her clothes for evening and I must have taken note of that and stored it away.

Of course, the other side to dolls is that men like to mess them up. The more time and effort the girl has gone to to make herself attractive, the more 'together' she looks, the more he enjoys defiling the well presented, domestic goddess. There are two sides to every story and certainly two faces to many women. But, it's pleasing (and a tease) to present oneself immaculately, I think, and have them wondering if there's another side.

Tante belle cose

I love all things Italian and like Liz in Eat Pray Love I am getting a real kick out of learning some Italian phrases and rolling them around my tongue. I particularly love this particular phrase, tante bella cose reminding me that there are many beautiful things in this world; so much to be grateful for. This pretty pink flower, one of the many beautiful things,  reminds me also that happiness is really always just around the corner.  I feel myself opening up much like this flower, ready to bask in the light. I think I may have turned a corner.  Bella.

Lord Byron

I have been given the task of producing my favourite poem, of about 14 lines for my son to learn and recite to the class. Out came my favourite anthology of poetry from my university days that has travelled around the world several times. I wandered all about it but always knew that Lord Byron would win the day. He was a most difficult man but that's my speciality and he had such a way with words...


She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Beauty

This week has been an unremarkable week in the sense that there were ups and there were downs. When you live in a largish family, every week has its ups and downs and you have to ride the waves. I surf the waves as best I can and when necessary I take my board and go and sit on the sand and just watch the water for a bit. That gets me by.

Technically speaking, the news that a friend has breast cancer and will begin radiation next week; that she will lose her lovely head of hair, should not have hit hard. She isn't the first friend to go through this process, and I've walked with a close family member down that road as well. But, it did hit me hard this week. I suppose it was a reminder on a beautiful day, in a beautiful country garden, that life can change on a dime. What we have today, can be gone tomorrow.

She will be all right. She believes that. And, I believe that. And, so do the friends who have walked this road before her. The prognosis is good. But, it's a timely reminder, I think, to live your life now.

I doubt we can all agree on how to live a life well any more than we can agree on any topic. For me, it is to love well; to be kind, gracious, affirming. Each person can change the world a little with a kind act, a smile, a sense of care. Love is not just something we feel, but the things we do.

It is an old saying: that beauty comes from within, but it is true. Think kind thoughts. Do noble deeds. Rise up and be the best you can be. This is true beauty. This is a life well lived. This is this thought that sustains me.

Aging gracefully

Two little occurrences this morning when out and about got me thinking:

The first occurrence happened at the nail salon. I was sitting in the spot where one sits to dry one's nails when a woman about my age came and sat down beside me. I said,

"Now comes the hard part!"

She said:

"I know! It's torture, isn't it? Sitting here doing nothing...thinking about all the things we have to do...what to make for dinner, how to organize all the kids for the weekend..."

I nodded and smiled. This is just the sort of thing that I have been working on lately...letting go. There is a time for work and there is a time for play. Women need to learn when to let go!

Secondly, whilst I had my morning coffee shortly thereafter, I read a comment by Sarah Murdoch, the gorgeous naturally beautiful daughter-in-law of Rupert Murdoch. Apparently, she has asked that her photos not be touched up. She wants to grow old gracefully, without the use of treatments that so often leave women without expression in their faces. She wants to "embrace" the aging process.

Well, I do tend to agree with her. I think a woman can look quite beautiful as she ages if she has the confidence to carry it off. Of course, Sarah didn't mean that a woman should let herself go. That is an entirely different matter. Maintaining a healthy weight, looking after one's skin, keeping out of the sun at certain times, getting adequate sleep and rest and eating well are what is important here. I would add to that, that a youthful outlook is critical, too. You truly are only as old as you feel.

Relaxing and letting go at times, ceding control to one's owner, maintaining a fit and healthy body, and remaining youthful with vitality; this is the key to aging well as a submissive woman, I think. The style one chooses is an altogether different thing. A rule of thumb would be, if the man in your life has a desire to undress you as soon as possible, then you are on a good thing and should stick with it.

Playing dress ups

The effective dominant man is inclined to be a conservative man. At least, that is my theory. He tends to like some order about life, and he tends to put time into ordering it, to his satisfaction. I’m sure there are some messy doms and tops out there, not inclined to order, but I think they are the exception to the rule.

The dominant men I have known and know are all conservative, on some level. They tend towards being professional or self employed in some way and regardless of their inclinations in their own home, they present as conservative men; upstanding and worthy citizens of their place of residence in the world.

Yet, I do see considerable variation as to how they prefer their women. They all enjoy the benefits and advantages of a submissive girl in their lives and they all appreciate a girl who can exhibit respect, obedience and strong self-esteem. But, it is in the little details that I notice consideration variation.

Some dominant men like their girl to be ‘au natural’. They like to see their girl not only naked, but completely unadorned. They dislike them to wear lipstick or nail polish when presenting for a scene, perhaps, and they don’t want to see any jewellery, either. They just want the girl as she is; as she came into this world.

Some dominant men like to see their girl dress sedately and conservatively. They don’t like short hems, regardless of how great her legs. They don’t want any flashy jewellery and in essence, they don’t want anyone but them to know that she is a slut. This knowledge is for them and for them alone.

Some dominant men prefer for their girl to display her submission in nearly all facets of her life. This is not the sort of man that would accept easily that his girl has a penchant for greasy food and fizzy drinks. He wants her to pay strict attention to her body and appearance and to take full advantage of her feminine curves. Not only should she choose clothing that enhances her femininity but she should modify her appearance by making use of undergarments, such a corset, to accentuate those beautiful curves of hers.

As far as I can tell, they all have appreciation for a well made, high heeled shoe, and they all like to see their girl wear them as often as possible. Some like to choose her clothing for her; others prefer to give her specific instructions as to what will pass inspection and what will not. Some adore her in black; others prefer colour. Some hate her in pants altogether; others love to see her ass dressed in jeans.

As far as dress goes, there seems no common ground. It is up to the girl to establish what her man likes and does not like; what he wouldn’t change for the world and what must go instantly.

For me, this is the part of the game that is so interesting; the details. Why is it that one man wants his girl dressed in only white shirts, when another would have her wearing black most days? Why does one man find lipstick unnecessary when another would expect to see her lips painted deep red nearly all the time?

For the girl, it really should not and does not matter what it is he wants her to do. What matters is that she wants to do what he wants. If he wants to see her in white shirts, because she looks dishy to him in them, then she will find herself looking for white shirts. If he wants a three and half inch heel on her shoes, then it is the shoes with that heel that she will notice. She wants him to find her attractive and she wants to please him. If he likes it, she likes it.

Of course, there is one little variation here. Sometimes, some dominant men want to test their girl. They want her to wear something in which she is not at all comfortable; in which she does not feel attractive. He might be trying to heighten her femininity or he might be trying to push her limits as to her conservative nature; or what might turn her on, or what might heighten her sexuality. This is a different matter and an area in which the poor girl may be severely challenged. She wants to please him but he is pushing into areas of self-esteem in which he may not experience instant success.

The submissive woman would do well to go with the flow of her man’s idiosyncratic desires for her dress as best she possibly can. In ‘Nine and half weeks’ Elizabeth asked her man when he was purchasing something for her in a store, “But, don’t you want to know if *I* like it.” He just nodded his head to indicate “No”. I loved that scene!

Lest you think that I am now the perfect submissive, let me remind my female readers that a girl has ways of steering the gentleman in her life to see things through her lens. Just as he can point out the perfect shoe, so she can point out the perfect jacket, or handbag or pair of silver ear-rings. Use your head, girls!

Perhaps, after all, there is a common factor in the desires of the dominant man as to the presentation of his girl. He wants her to look beautiful to his eyes. I was not a fan of dressing ‘Barbie’ but if my dominant wants to dress me, that's a different matter altogether!