Bimbo vacation

Rules are rules and cindi broke a rule. Or, to be more exact she did something as if she was entitled. This isn't tolerated. It's sloppy, muddle-headed thinking and it needs to be corrected. Or, to put it another way, cindi needs to be punished. Isn't that the really authentic way of putting it? Why wrap it up in pretty paper and call it a 'correction' when it is severe discipline designed to transform the bimbo's state of mind? No props for a considerable length of time. No opportunity for her mood to be elevated in ways with which she is so familiar. No limits. No rules. Reign the hutzpah in.

She was sitting there yesterday feeling sad sack miserable, as she was meant to do, when she realized that she still had her paws. Those bimbo paws could still be manicured, even on 'vacation'. Bimbo did indeed have a way of picking herself up off the floor. This thought energized her immediately.

At the new salon, where she has only been a few times, the man took her paws in his hands and in the best English he could muster he told her her paws were beautiful. 'Beautiful nails', he said. He pointed to the woman at the far end of the room, as if to ask if she did them. 'Yes, they were a new set two weeks ago. She did a great job.' 'No cut, right?' he said and cindi immediately agreed that she didn't want them cut. Even his filing was very light, she noticed.

The woman came to watch for a time. 'Beautiful nails,' she said to the bimbo. 'You very careful. Beautiful'. She beckoned cindi to change chairs where she applied the polish and once she had put on the top layer she produced a card and put it in cindi's bag. 'You come every two weeks and I keep nails beautiful. Gel refill normally $30 but for you, $25.'

cindi did understand that she wasn't the only doll in town to be given such a card, yet she also realized that in the eyes of this couple, she had passed the test. She had earned her long nails because she had shown she could look after them and 'be careful' as she had been told when they had finally agreed to give cindi a new, longer set on the previous visit. Praise. cindi needed that.

She had earned the praise, just as she had earned the vacation. It all comes down to behaviour and choices, cindi realized. cindi simply needs to choose carefully.

Emotional needs

I often use the word 'care' here. For example, I've often expressed the opinion that dominance is a form of 'care' in my mind. On a website called Marriage Builders Dr. Harley writes that, "As it turns out, care in marriage is doing what it takes to make each other happy".

It's well worth a few minutes to read what he has to say because it identifies the emotional needs of most people and notes that each person may put those needs in a different order. For instance, admiration may be more important to one person, higher on the list, than affection is to another. Or, 'family commitment' may be more important to one person, or higher on their list, than 'sexual fulfillment' is to another. Once those needs have been identified in each person, the other person needs to make for quality time to have those emotional needs of the partner met.

In a separate link on the site Dr. Harley has written out a 'Policy of Joint Agreement'. It boils down to this one golden rule:

'Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your partner.'

He explains the rule in this way. "In marriage, your interests and your spouses interests should be considered simultaneously. One of you should not suffer for the benefit of the other, even willingly, because when either of you suffer, one is gaining at the other's expense. If you both care about each other, you will not let the other suffer so that you can have what you want. When you are willing to let the other sacrifice for you, you are momentarily lapsing into a state of selfishness that must somehow be corrected before damage is done. The Policy of Joint Agreement provides that correction."

If this statement is considered in terms of a power exchange, more than one interpretation about a power exchange relationship can be made. Let's face it, the dominant may very well say that he wants something because...well, because he (or she) wants it. It's somewhat immaterial to him, in the moment perhaps (?), that he or she doesn't necessarily have a genuine enthusiastic agreement from the partner. Then again, if it is non-consensual consent that's been given, and that's what they both like and want, at least on some level, maybe the rule of 'enthusiastic agreement' doesn't apply.

That said, the dominant who wishes to maintain a relationship in good order really has no choice but to seek enthusiastic agreement for what he or she wants because a life lived with someone who either does not feel in enthusiastic agreement with the partner, or does not seek enthusiastic agreement of the partner, is in for unhappy times. It's undeniable that a happy union is made up of TWO (or more) happy people.

Some people have a mindset that can ignore the good order of this rule. First, there is the type of person that gives in to the other, regardless of his or her own feelings. They make do. They try to let their own feelings go. They accommodate. They accept. They do their best under the difficult circumstances of not feeling in enthusiastic agreement.

The other type of person is inclined to want his or her way. They have difficulty focusing on the fact that they've bullied the other person, in small or large measure. They see their way as the best way and disinclined to negotiation or to ensuring that the other is giving their agreement enthusiastically (their unenthusiastic agreement being more than enough, for perhaps they'd have their own way without agreement at all) they simply assert their position and proceed with their own plan.

Of course, neither position is good. It's no better, really, to give in than it is to insist on one's way regardless of how the other feels. It ultimately breeds resentment. It ultimately leads to one partner feeling disconnected from the other; uncared for; unloved.

If you have a submissive nature, and if you see that certain things matter very deeply to the other, if you know that your lack of agreement will cause disharmony, pouting, angry and/or loud arguments, you're likely to put your own needs to one side. The big question is, can you do this forever? No loving partner should really ever ask this of a submissive soul. It's taking advantage, I think, of her unselfish nature; her desire for harmony even at her own cost; her strong penchant to want to give and to serve the other; to sacrifice.

This is where assertiveness skills come in. We need to express our feelings, our desires and needs in such a way that it is clear what matters to us. Even if we have given our consent to the other to decide, those decisions must be made with a full understanding of what makes us happy. A person who takes on full decision making for another human being must ask a lot of questions or assumptions about the other's emotional needs, and/or neglect of those emotional needs will come back to bite him. If the dominant should choose to go ahead and do what he wants, regardless of the cost to the submissive, regardless of how those emotional needs are in jeopardy, he runs a huge risk, because each person's emotional needs must be met to ensure the happiness of the union.

I like the above website. It's not at all designed for power exchange relationships but it has some very important things to say about how to remain a happily married (committed) couple. In the end, whatever the union, power exchange or not, people's emotional needs must be met. 

Dancing Class

Upon returning to the bedroom from the spa, I thought to have a nap. Alas, I could not sleep and I turned on the television to see if there might be a movie. Indeed, there was. It was the one where Demi Moore plays Sergeant O'Neil. She is being trained as a Navy SEAL and it is gruelling stuff. At one point the person in charge says, "Pain is your friend." That resonated!

There was another great line that this time had me rushing for my kinky notebook. I had to get this one down.

"Sergeant O'Neil, when I want your opinion I will give it to you."

Isn't that priceless?

Then, I started thinking. In fact, I had heard that before somewhere. Where was that? Oh, yes! When I was working, one day I said to my boss,

"Anyway, you don't want to hear my opinion. You will just do it your way."

He replied: "Not at all, my dear. I am happy to discuss it with you at length; after which I will then do it my way."

Just now, as I was talking to my husband about Sir J's 'Entitlement' entry, he looked over at me from his side of the bed and said,

"If you don't stop talking, I am going to have to fill your mouth with something."

Really! A girl can't be blamed for sometimes getting the feeling that men might find them wordy!

I suppose the challenge is to convince the dominant man of our point of view - by fair means or foul. The challenge is also to admit defeat. They will do things as they see fit and as submissive women, we must rise to the challenge of accepting that.

As a woman with plenty of opinions of my own, (and possibly you noticed that already)I find that a great challenge. Sometimes, it is asking me to accept that the sky is green. I know in my gut that I am accepting a mistake. Demi was asked to do the same thing; to accept that her greater understanding of the situation would be overruled. I felt for her.

I think what I have learned over the past year is that I do in fact have input into decision making, regardless of what my dom decides. The more controlled I am in my presentation, the more willing I am to listen to his point of view in a calm way, the more likelihood I have of swaying him to my point of view.

At the end of the day, he will do things his way, as he always has. In fact, the more submissive I am able to be, the more confident he feels, the more his decisions are spot on. It is a dance that I have found some difficulty in learning. I believe, however, that I may have the steps down pat, finally. He leads and I follow...whispering in his ear, ever so daintily.

O'Neil had guts. She was intelligent and refused to quit. Ultimately, she had the boys eating out of both hands. She earned that privilege because she proved to them that she was worth listening to.

A dominant man, quite naturally, does things his way. A clever dominant man listens to his intelligent submissive, appreciating her input into a situation. He listens, takes into account her read of it, and then, using his own intellect, makes a final determination. I won't argue with that any more. I accept it.

A wise dominant man gives his submissive the entitlement of speaking her point of view. Then, he makes use of his entitlement to have the final say, and lead the dance of their lives.

I just wish I had bothered to go to dancing class sooner!

P.S. I *am* relaxing! When I write, I am relaxed!