Grateful

 The yoga teacher asked us on the mat to think of three things that we were grateful for right now. My mind went to: I am grateful for this day. I am grateful to be here in this studio on this mat. I am grateful my body is flexible and that I am getting stronger all the time.

As I sit here at my desk, I am grateful for friendship. Let me tell you about two things that immediately spring to mind.

1. I am grateful for the friendship of my friend on death row in Alabama. I received, a day after my birthday, the most beautiful handmade birthday card from him. I recall opening the envelope, the normal standard size letter envelope, the kind he always uses, and noting that it was a little thicker than usual. 

I wondered for a moment if he had sent me perhaps a pamphlet, something about the prison. My mind never conjured a birthday card. So, when I released it from the envelope, a card that had been measured to exactly fit, and saw the work he had put into it, the drawing, the amazing colouring and shading, and inside the message, my heart just melted.

Some people just don't get a break. B had the most horrendous childhood and was on his own from his early teens, finding shelter where he could, some food where he could. When he recalls those days, it's the kindness of strangers that pops into his head; people who offered him some shelter or gave him some food. 

He never meant to do what he did. It was simply a moment of madness, of fear, of addled thinking. There but for the grace of God go I.

He's a joy in my life, the most big, beautiful heart of a man, and I am honored to call him my friend.

2. I don't like to preempt anything, I have done this earlier this year and been proved wrong, but I think I have lost another distant friend; I think the first kinky friend I ever made. He has been such an incredibly reliable correspondent and suddenly, he is missing in action. He could be in hospital or something, I might out of the blue hear from him and he's been away selling a manuscript or something. It could entirely be a false alarm. But the days are dragging out now, so the signs aren't good.

He said to me a little while ago, maybe a year ago, he was worried if something happened to him that I wouldn't know. I said not to worry because when Deity died, he came, in spirit, to let me know that it was good between us, before he vanished for good. And, so if he died, I would also surely know.

But there's been no visit. Just this ominous feeling that sits in my bones.

So, today I am grateful for his many years of friendship and support. 

Goodness, but getting old has its challenges.

Adendum: Okay, that's a relief, he just checked in, must have sensed my concern.

David

I received some very sad news this morning that my dear friend David from A View from the Top has passed away.

David approached me not long after I began to write in this journal some years ago now and we very quickly became firm friends. Although we were writing in cyberspace from opposite ends of the power exchange dynamic it was my friendship that David sought. A loyal and constant friend through the years he was a very steadying influence in my life, always willing to listen to me.

David was prepared to disclose himself to me from the outset. He had complete trust and faith in me as his friend. I knew his real name, where he worked, the circumstances of his private life, the details of his life. More than that, he offered me the workings of his heart and I shared with him his joys and his sorrows, his health status and some of his wide ranging interests. I have a particularly happy memory of commentating the Australian Grand Prix for him a few years ago when he was at work and was frustrated that he couldn't find the race on the Internet.

For a few years David worked the night shift a few days a week. It became a pattern of my life that I would open up the account at about 4 pm on a Sunday afternoon, and over the course of the afternoon and evening, the making of the dinner, the putting out of the garbage and the ironing of the next day's school clothing, we would share anything from the most mundane of daily events right up to in depth discussions about the meaning of life.
 
Within these discussions topics about dominance and submission would often come up and I remember one time that he chose to role play with me, him acting as my Dominant.

'You have chosen to make me responsible for your well being. So, why would you question my decision?' he asked me. The penny dropped.

He was always exceedingly kind to me, generous of his time and his counsel. Aware that I was technically useless I'd mention that I couldn't do something or other and he'd explain the 'how'of the matter in intricate detail, writing out step by step details.

'Thank you,' I'd say, 'I'll try it later.'
'Do it now while I am online to help you,' he would say, knowing that I'd probably never get to it on my own.

He was never rude or demanding but quietly asserted himself with me, guided me and steered me whilst all the time appearing not to be doing much at all. This was his way.

He once said this:

'I see my role as to keep you safe, like a ten pin bowling ball is contained between the bumpers on either side of the lane.'

No-one was more aware than David that I wrote when I was happy and I wrote when I was sad, and that my writing gyrated from one state to the other in its own constancy.

He had the patience of an angel with me, only occasionally losing his temper with me and revealing his true state of mind as to my explorations. David saw true value in a woman exploring her own needs in various capacities, but under a watchful eye.

'Are you done with this yet?' he'd asked me sometimes and I knew I had exasperated him. Then would come the one word 'Sorry'. He strongly believed that he should not interfere with my explorations but rather, like a beneficent father, indulge me, watching from on high.

Like all of us writing in this space David could be naughty. He once suggested that we open a journal together and that I write from the dominant perspective. He'd be the wise Uncle giving his nephew advice in the background from time to time as to how to dominate his love interest. That was an interesting time!

But, it was when I wrote a single post about Agnes, a pretty dark haired French girl from the country and newly arrived in Paris that he was truly inspired. Frederick spoke to him and he took great pleasure in constructing the story of Frederick's seduction of Agnes. The character of Frederick is David in so many ways; the consummate refined gentleman who quietly and gently expresses his dominant personality. I was delighted to be able to indulge him in this way.

In the past few years it became clear that David was slowing down and that his health was ailing. We grew to spend more time chatting about food or health remedies. The last email I have from him is about a dining venue in my home town that he thought I might enjoy and I was delighted to tell him that I could in fact walk to that establishment from my home. He put me onto adding a few spoonfuls of quinoa into my porridge in the mornings to get some protein, and I never let him live down the day that he ate a whole bag of marshmallows covered in chocolate. I'm sure he regretted sharing that little sin with me and would chide me to resist, or else!

No matter how difficult his health David maintained a strong desire to live and to make the best of his life. Always loyal to those he loved he kept his dominant desires in balance with the rest of his life and he encouraged me to do likewise. He never failed to ask about my husband and children, knowing them all by name. As time wore on his responses in chat became slower, his world smaller, but he never complained, always kept in good cheer and remained positive and hopeful.

Over the years I knew him a pattern emerged in our chats, wise words that would often stop me in my tracks and have me thinking over and over again, 'What a wise man is this!' I sometimes joked that I would gather all his little sayings and philosophies and write them up in a coffee table book. I said I would call it, 'David's Wise Words'.

He scoffed at the idea, of course, but I think a part of him knew that he was an observant man who had been around long enough to understand human nature. Perhaps in the throes of falling in love his judgment could be a little clouded, but he saw the world through clear eyes, knew what he could influence and what he could not. He was at peace with that. 

I will miss him. I miss him. It is so hard not to be able to tell him how much he meant to me. It is so hard not to be able to say 'goodbye'. His blog remains behind to remind us of a true gentleman in this space; an old-fashioned gentleman with impeccable manners and a strong sense of the fitness of things; a truly good man.

May you fly with the angels, dear David.

My love.
xx

Thoughts about 'Le Weekend'

I listened to Hanif Hareishi speak on the radio recently. Immediately, I was itching to see the film he had written which has just been released here - 'Le Weekend'. Nick and Meg, a couple from London, around 60 years old I'd say, have decided to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary in Paris.

We're given endless visual clues as to their relationship before they have exchanged words.  On the Eurostar it is clear they are very much a couple, able to predict what the other is thinking. There's closeness there, for sure, but there is also an unnerving frustration with one another. When Nick starts to feel around his body Meg assures him he has the Euros, in an exasperated 'I knew you would do that' sort of way. When Meg catches a glimpse of the hotel Nick has booked (she did say she wanted to return to the hotel they'd stayed at many years ago) her disappointment is clear.

When Nick is unable to secure a room that is not "beige" she simply hails a taxi, leaving Nick scampering after her before she sails off in the taxi without him. One immediately gets the feeling that Nick is trying to satisfy Meg, but it is no easy task.  One also gets the feeling that Nick's best years are (he's a Professor who has not published...) behind him. "Ohhh, Meg, don't do this," he calls out after her. The thing about their relationship is that it is always on the knife's edge. We just don't know, and they just don't know, which way it is going to go.

It's this understanding of 'opposites' in the writing that makes it so watchable as a movie I think. Love can turn to hate and back to love within seconds. Frustration is just a hair's breath away from enthusiasm. Their emotions, the atmosphere and the course of this weekend changes direction endlessly. One example that springs to mind is their choice of a restaurant for their first lunch.

It's abundantly clear that Nick will be happy with anything that makes Meg happy and as they go about their search,  a passing parade of restaurants, Meg announces what is wrong with them. "Too modern" On they walk. "Too empty" On they walk. "Too touristy." On they walk, and so on, until Meg announces that they have found the right one. I recall Hareishi stating in the interview that he wanted to explore various topics, like intimacy, but he wanted to make it light; for it to be funny. I saw many moments such as these very funny, more funny than the audience at large, but maybe that's because my husband and I have done similar things; searched for the perfect restaurant overseas in a similar way. Haven't all couples done similar things?

What is also interesting about the writing is what happens when a third character is introduced. Morgan is a media-star academic from the States who has looked up to Nick as something of a mentor. They meet on the street by chance at a moment when Nick and Meg are being very affectionate. Morgan (played by Jeff Goldblum) invites them to dinner the following evening to celebrate the publishing of his new book. Morgan has plenty of money, a beautiful apartment and a lovely new wife who is pregnant.

When Nick and Meg take their first glance of the chic living room filled with 'the beautiful people' (academics and publishers) I mistakenly think they are enthralled at the possibilities of what the evening might bestow. Every guest has a major achievement of one kind or another to his name. In fact, they are both profoundly uncomfortable and seek out independently the most private corners of the apartment they can find.

It's when Nick is befriend by Morgan's young adult son in his bedroom that we learn that all is not entirely perfect in Morgan's world. His former wife tried to kill herself when her husband left them and although Morgan buys his son airline tickets to visit he is uncomfortable when they are in the same room. When Nick discusses with Morgan how he felt about leaving his wife he glosses over.  "She adores me," he says of the new wife. "Doesn't everyone want to be adored?" And moments later, "but she will see through me eventually." Wow. Such insecurity and vulnerability on display. There's a superficiality on display as well that makes Meg and Nick's relationship, their durability, seem wholesome and right by comparison, in spite of all the cracks.

At the end there's some kind of vague coming together, if you will. It allows you to leave the cinema without a sense of doom. There's hope for a future together without so much angst and "fury", as Meg puts it. Yet, I can't quite reconcile the sexual side of things. A comment by Nick about Meg's vagina makes it clear she hasn't wanted to be touched in years and although there is the odd stray kiss and rub, their sexuality is frozen. Nick only wants and has only ever wanted one woman, his wife, but Meg seeks more - to do things she hasn't done, whether that is to take up tango dancing and leave her teaching job, to have the thrill of leaving the restaurant by the back without paying the bill, or whatever pleases her. In fact, she has gone slightly mad in this process, buying items and meals she can't afford and putting them "on the room". "Its my mantra," she says to the sales assistant in the clothing store at the hotel.

In some senses, the whole situation is an aberration. She has major flaws and so does he. Life isn't ideal for either of them but they are deeply bonded, not just by history and their children, but by some deep mechanism that no other man or woman can put asunder. No-one else has a real chance of breaking their union, now or ever, because they both have strong doses of empathy for one another, and they both have a sense of humor about life and about one another. You just know they won't part.

Personally, watching their relationship unfold on the screen left me a little depressed. I deplore with every bone in my body the thought of aging without a sense of sensuality and sexuality in my life. Meg's "fury" relates to that, in my opinion. She wants a sexual relationship. She's simply allowed  and Nick has also allowed things to get in their way. They argue over whether they should allow their adult son to return to the family home with the wife and baby when this should be their time.  If Nick really wants Meg, then why would he allow it, her mind seems to be asking. Is she also asking herself, I wonder, if he really wants me then why isn't he more forceful about it??

If you really think about this film (if you do see it) Nick doesn't enable a situation where Meg can follow his lead and Meg doesn't allow Nick the opportunity to lead. Meg chooses the restaurants, places to go, exploits they get up to and the sexual tension or lack thereof. She says she is nodding off to sleep when he suggests sex. She attempts a scene where he is on his knees and looking up her skirt, only to walk away and thus humiliating him. She buys all the goods and services they can't afford and he just goes along. Though, he does do the damage to the hotel wall. This is indeed his stunt and she voices no alarm about it.

It's only when she hurts him by mistake and draws blood that he tells her in a deep, no-nonsense voice to show him her breasts. She complies immediately. She looked to me like she liked that instruction and enjoyed the tinge of fear in the air when he was cross with her. But, they didn't explore this dynamic further; were too comfortable in their frustration with one another to do that.

Ultimately though the third party allows Nick and Meg to join forces again. When all seems lost and it seems we can't go any lower she remembers and shares something - a conversation on the phone with Nick recently when she was laughing and engaged and her friend thought it must be a lover, certainly not her husband. She saves the day this time just as he saves the day at other moments. In this way, the relationship is wonderfully balanced.

In a sense, the frustration is directed not so much at one another as at life. When did they grow old? When did they use up their youth? Why can't they have fun; laugh; be frivolous; ridiculous; irresponsible? As they have shared life's journey so too will they share old age; sometimes angry; sometimes frustrated; sometimes empathic; sometimes loving one another and sometimes hating one another. It will go on. There is no other alternative for their love. Wonderful writing and fabulous acting throughout the movie. If only such a film for grown ups were not such a rarity.

It's time

It is said that all good things must come to an end. The time has come to stop writing in this web journal.

In the years I've been writing in this journal there have been ups and downs, of course, but there's not a moment I'd take back. I have absolutely no regrets. It is also said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all and I have loved the experiences contained in these pages. I truly would not have missed it for the world and I remain forever grateful for the opportunities I have been given to know myself in this very special way.

I can't leave without saying a very special thank you to all the friends I have made along the way. I'd like to mention a few special people, if I may. David, my dear friend, thank you for always being there for me. cassie, Rich, Sir J, Rolly Mo, Anon, thank you all for your stimulating conversation and friendship. To my darling goodgirl, all my love.  We're friends for life. And last, but certainly not least, to the divine Mr D, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You're always welcome in my inbox and my Google chat box. I hope one day you will give me directions to that coffee shop of yours when I blow into town.

It's been exciting, joyous, uplifting; enriching. This web journal has enhanced my life in ways I never could have imagined. More than anything else it has been a great deal of fun.

Thank you for all your kindnesses and your interest.

My very best.

With love,
Vesta

Saying 'I love you'

In my emails this morning was a brief email from a correspondent of mine who simply wrote that it seemed like I was fading away. That message made me think. Yes, I have been quiet; reflective; contemplative. I have felt stymied as well. I have felt that any further writing here is like feeding a shark; a thief; a man who is waiting for me to put up another post to give him more material for his novel. It just feels...wrong; invasive; 'word/idea rape'.

Yet, I'm still the same person living out my life in much the same way; still very absorbed in the same thoughts; hopes; dreams. I went over to my email that is attached to my Tumblr account and there was a new follower. I noted that he was a man and that his Tumblr blog was filled with what you might expect of a virile man with a strong sexual drive; lots and lots of reblogged photos of very sexy looking naked women with big breasts and big bottoms. I scrolled through a few pages and that was pretty much it. I make no judgement. It's his account; his daydream time; his lust and desire that he chooses to document for his enjoyment and so long as he's hurting no one, that's all fine.

The little experience did, however, remind me once again that my foray into the land of power exchange, BDSM and Tumblr is different. I don't shy away from the fact that at times I have put up very graphic photos of people having sex. I've even reblogged photographs of people having sex whilst other men stood by waiting for their turn of the 'fucktoy' because I certainly have those thoughts in my mind. In a fucktoy state of mind I'm capable of having the dirtiest thoughts that match the mind of a virile man. However, for me there is so much more to my explorations than just sex or the mind of the fucktoy who rejects so little of the male state of mind.

In returning to the dashboard of my Tumblr account I came across various writings. I follow several people who offer spiritual and inspirational thoughts regularly. I reblogged a list of very big questions because in taking the time to think about an answer a great deal can be learned about your own mind. If you're interested in seeing the whole list click onto the 'Complete Cindi' link.

The question numbered 16 captured my attention particularly:

Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?

Regular readers will know that I have a friend who I refer to as a 'mentor' because I have no better word to describe our relationship. We've been friends for a good many years now and although he comes and goes in my life in rather rapid fashion these days, we've ridden through the good and the bad times together. We've remained friends in that sort of 'undying friends' way that you have with one or two people in your life.

My friend is a very dominant minded sort of man who likes to have control and to be in control whilst I am a very submissive minded sort of woman who likes to give up control and to get to a state where I feel I have no control. Our exchanges have been along this line as he's provided training and opportunity for me to experience this sort of exchange. It's only words. The Pacific Ocean is between us, however it's been very valuable and earnest. We take it very seriously.

We've become so intuitive within these exchanges that I feel sure that we both know when something is up. We can feel some sort of issue with one another and in our own way we attempt to deal with our upset feelings. Of course, our arrangement isn't perfect because of the dynamic we have agreed to and there are misunderstandings; little hurts and grievances along the way. Every now and then we come out of the dynamic for a very short time to air those grievances or to talk about an issue in our 'real' lives that may make it difficult or impossible for us to continue talking for the time being.  It's very rare but occasionally that happens.

My dear friend was explaining to me within the dynamic we share that things were not good for him at this time and I should not expect him to log on for a time. Of course, I wanted to understand why this was so because for the past month I had my worries about him which I had been unable to share and I didn't want him to walk away without some discussion about this.

I deemed it better that we come out of the dynamic and I asked permission to do so. As I said earlier, we take our agreement very, very seriously and he's the leader of our exchange. Very. much. so. He gave me permission and we discussed more openly what had led to this outcome. In a very grown up way, I thought, (and I hope he would agree) we reached mutual agreement that a 'time out' was best; that we remained "absent friends" and that when the time was right we would resume contact.

To explain my mindset I can only say that some friendships and associations are for life. I feel this very strongly. He has made mistakes with me and I have made mistakes with him but we have forgiven one another those mistakes. We recognize in one another a sense of goodness and we have a deep sense of trust and acceptance of one another. We are both good people.We both mean well. Neither one of us wants to say goodbye and so we never do (and mean it). We have made up a few times now and just moved on.

Anyway, we were winding up this final conversation for an indefinite period of time. I knew there were only seconds left and I had the strongest, strongest desire to type I love you. Hopefully, no reader would misinterpret this statement. We've never had a romantic notion towards one another and our exchanges don't bear that sentiment at all. Our exchanges are in fact quite formal in tone as pertains to our dynamic. I had the desire to type those words because I wanted him to know that I cared deeply; that I wished him well; that I accepted him for who he was regardless of actions that might have caused me hurt. Through it all, I loved him as a human being and as my friend.

I didn't type those words. Our dynamic has a number of rules and one of the rules is that we do not say such things to one another. The trust, the care, the acceptance and the endearment should already be known and felt.

Yet, in the weeks since then I have regretted that I held back. Why must it be that I can't express a sentiment that goes to the heart of our friendship? And, so I say it now, as one friend to another. I love you. Through good times and bad, you're my friend. Be well.

Entrapment

I have always felt a close attachment to males; not just to my husband but to many men in my life: my father, my brother, my ballet master and any one else who would allow me to get close. I have tended to make attachments to men and to get great succor out of knowing their minds. Frankly, I just enjoy their conversation and being around them.

I've tended to worry about this because unlike so many other women I know, I have preferred male to female company. One of the difficulties about marriage for me has been this assumption that underlies my life that I should be forging close relationships with women and not men.

This year, perhaps for the first time in my life really, I have really embraced my time with women. I regularly (weekly) have a coffee with two groups of women, at least, and I find this time incredibly comforting. We tend to laugh a lot. We tend to support one another through whatever the issue of the day happens to be and we are incredibly kind to one another. That is what I love about the time with them. It is not at all demanding and we provide care and approval for one another. As I said to my husband earlier today, they have all had such interesting lives and even though many of them are retired now, (I am the youngest member of my yoga group) they certainly have not retired from life. All their minds are as sharp as a tack and they have embraced me into their little circle as if they have known me all their lives.

This morning, seeing that I was clearly not myself, my husband hugged me and told me that I just need "to relax". I tried to explain to him that men sometimes made it hard for a woman to relax. They expected so much of women. They expected them to take on the worries and needs of men and at the very same moment, relax. I suggested that this was why women found women; perhaps why women entered lesbian relationships late in life sometimes; because they just needed to live life in a more relaxed environment.

I don't think I could be any more clear about the fact that my goal in life is to live it cerebrally and contentedly. I have always aimed to get to a place where the real world mattered much less. I don't mean that I don't care about what happens in the world because I do care very much. I mean that I look for a state of internal peace and a sense of satisfaction with life. I have always believed that we live in our head and that life is what we make of it. We must choose to be happy. We must embrace life and live it well. We only have one life so far as I know.

I believe that men gravitate towards women, towards having one woman to call their own not just because they need a mate to go through life with, but because women instinctively understand this about life. Women hold the keys to a peaceful state and men instinctively get it that to find joy they may need a woman to take them there. Of course, not all women know this and men can be disappointed when they realize this.

There are moments when the going gets too rough around men; the men I choose. They tend to be demanding men; men who ask a lot of women; who worry a bone better than I ever will; men for whom enough will never be enough. They exhaust me; frustrate me; make me question my tenacity and strength. Of course, I cannot live without them. They provide me with what I need in a way that a woman could never do. They call on something within that is intensely feminine and I need that.

My oldest son, who is inclined to write words on cards that bring tears to my eyes repeatedly said this to me on this most recent Mother's Day: "You were always there for me and I will always be there for you."

That is it. Perhaps it is one of my few strengths that I endure; that I go on loving and giving in all circumstances; that I just won't give up; on anyone or anything and certainly not in finding the joy in life. I am emotional. There is just no doubt about that. But, it is seen by only a chosen few - those who read here make up the vast majority. To the rest of the world I am "ethereal".

I have been fortunate to experience true and good friends who seem to innately know how to companion me on my journey. I think they see this gritty side of me: the side that exhibits distress but refuses to give up on a situation and rather than offering me advice, they simply sit beside me (figuratively speaking). I've felt their presence in my life lately even when we have not actually spoken and I have understood when their upset on my behalf has caused their opinions to spill over and be expressed. They know, bless them, that they cannot 'save' me because I respond to my own instincts at the end of the day.

Some one said something to me last night. He said that he knew what he was doing. Such supreme confidence! It impressed me at a moment when I needed to be impressed. And, as I write these words, I feel satisfied to add that I know what I am doing too. My inner compass drives me forward into terrain that is not at all easily navigated.

All I can say for certain is that I both lust for a settled mind at the very same moment that I lust for the company of men who can make that goal so hard to attain. A perfect world would be to live with the company of men and to also have a settled mind. Alas, I am drawn to emotional men; demanding men; wonderful and vibrant men. Poor me. Lucky me.

Owned

It is a very novel experience to be holidaying on my own in a foreign country. I am staying with my daughter but I have seen very little of her so far as she has a rather long working day, but time together is on its way. Some holidays have been approved and we have two long weekends together to look forward to.

I am tickled pink to be able to report that I not only met an online friend for the very first time but I met my first online friend, the charming Abel of Spanking Writers and his delightful wife, Haron for lunch yesterday.

I contacted Abel some years ago now asking him if he might like to swap notes and explain a few things to me, back when I was as green as grass to all things kink and being the gentleman that he is, he kindly obliged. We don't correspond all that regularly but I have always known that if I need advice, Abel is merely an email away. So, it was not at all a surprise to me to find that he is just as delightful, sweet, friendly and helpful in person as he is online.

Being able to speak to someone in person, other than my husband, just as I am completely was pure gold. We chatted away as very dear friends and whilst the conversations moved from topic to topic, we effortlessly moved over topics that I could never have done with my vanilla friends. I hadn't realized how liberating that was going to feel.

And now, another opportunity comes along and a reader is meeting me for a drink and a stroll around Hyde Park. I need to pinch myself to believe this is happening. Not to mention that I have been invited to a gathering of kinky people next week. It is all so very exciting!

I've just said goodbye to my husband on Skype telling him of all my news and I told him how lovely it feels to be "owned" and he said to me it is lovely for him to be an "owner".

We never know why things happen as they do but the lovemaking that occurred in the 24 hours before we left was as sweet and complete as any love making has ever been between us. Perhaps, we knew it had to be good to last two weeks or more. Perhaps, it is our time in the sun to luxuriate and radiate in the mysteries of each other and of life itself. As we said to one another, "good things come to those who wait".

I am very happy; adoring the time to go at my own pace, to explore and to have an adventure. It is all the more wonderful to me because as I go about London on my own, marvelling at it all, I know in my heart and my soul that I am an owned girl and a very loved owned girl at that. It just doesn't get any better than that.

The whole entity

In my last post I expressed some frustration that my true nature is kept under the radar. I don't necessarily look like a person with kinky thoughts running through her mind night and day is meant to look. Certainly most people don't respond to me in any particular way that relates to my submissive nature. Only the rarest of people have caught on to what lies below the surface and have sought to interact in person with the whole entity that is me.

Last Saturday, my husband and I enjoyed one of our most kinky of days all morning and again in the late afternoon. There was just enough time for me to get ready for a dinner party with a group of friends and whilst 'cindi' was present all night on the inside (my husband said I was "aglow"), on the outside all that was visible to the untrained eye (I suppose) was "the girl".

I admit it bothered me and it particularly bothered me that when the word "spanking" was used by one of the men, I became particularly silent. I feel fear (and elation) when the word is used in such a vanilla setting because I worry that I am one step away from exposure.

But honestly, exposure from what? Exposure from the fact that I am happier now and more content than any other time in my life? Exposure from the fact that I enjoy living and loving in a certain kind of way? Exposure from the fact that I have special friends that have enriched my life and made me feel complete?

On one level, it's not that I fear exposure at all but rather that I covet that which is so very special to me. I don't want a bunch of people making lurid, smutty comments about me or those special to me when they don't really understand me, what makes me tick or the lifestyle of my choice. The exposure I worry about is an exposure than would alter something truly wonderful and transformational into something cheap and lurid. I covet my privacy in this space by way of a different name(s) because I fear that to not do so would let the sunshine in and void the magic of the experience for me and others.

I want to be very clear about one thing. The entity of Vesta/cindi allows for the whole personality and spirit of me. If I am kind, obedient and truthful, if I am honourable, if I am loyal and honest and reliable; if I can keep a secret and take it to my deathbed - and I am all those things and can do all those things, then those qualities are all part of the whole me (wife, mother, citizen, daughter, submissive woman who seeks containment, to name but a few of the roles in my life). The open expression of Vesta and cindi enable me to express all that is me.

And, who is me? I'm a girl who took a chance and reached out to her husband first and foremost and then to a few significant others about thoughts that had run through her head all her life. With the help of one or two special people, I'm a girl who opened her mind on these pages (and others) to allow other people in to read and explore her mind and heart and soul.

I'm a girl with the greatest of respect for other people who have also pursued the expression of themselves (semi) publicly in whatever form that takes. We all here reach out for interaction with like minded souls, for self expression and to live our lives as honestly as we can under the restraints of a community who may choose to judge/mock rather than seek to understand/accept how we choose to lives our own individual lives.

Would I prefer to look like a kinky person? Would it enrich the experience for me? Not really. I choose the clothes and appearance that are right for me, much as we all do. It is enough for me that only very special people know me for all that I am. I never needed a crowd, never needed to be the centre of attention and never wanted to be the life of the party. It is enough for me to live exactly as I do because it is part of me to be a very private person with very special people in my life.

I am a trusting but careful person. I choose who I trust and do that carefully. In the same way I can be trusted by them. A secret is only a secret when you tell someone and the secrets of others will never see the light of day on these pages or any other pages. It is said that if you have a handful of friends in your life - true friends - you are doing well. I believe that.

There have been times on this journal when I have wondered if I have anything more to say; anything more to offer the reader. The thought I return to is that this is my chance to be brave and to do something bold and good and true. This is what keeps me coming back to these pages.

Brand new world

All the way back to university days, I have had male friends. Even when my husband and I started to go out together and develop a strong connection, there were male friends that I hung out with. He never seemed to mind. They were certainly no threat from a romantic perspective and perhaps he understood that they enriched me. I don't really know, actually. We never talked about it.

My first male friend at university was a boy whose name I can't remember. Let's call him John. I met John either at a lecture or a tutorial or some place like that. He seemed a dreamy sort of boy; a boy operating in some other universe than me. His parents were "away" a lot overseas and he seemed to have little support in his life - and I mean that in every sense of the word. He looked too skinny and too pale for my liking and so I took it upon myself to feed him. After a lecture, I'd gather him up and take him back to my room and feed him.

He must have been bright. He got outstanding marks for his English essays, better than me, and I figured that it was that parallel universe that he lived in that made his ideas in those essays so compelling. Who knows. My husband, a very down to earth sort of boy even then explained to me one day that John was clearly on drugs. This was a great shock to my pure soul. Was he sure about that, I wanted to know? Quite certain, he said.

I continued to keep an eye on John, feeding him and talking to him, and getting a little closer to that parallel universe of his until one day he just disappeared from the university never to be seen again. I had some understanding of his need to dispense with such a rigid system as a degree at an esteemed university. My cousin had also abandoned his university degree to write and went on to become one of the country's best known writers, as he puts it, "in spite" of his university training, so I rather hoped that John might do the same. Whether he did or was shot down in the flames of excessive drug taking I will never know.

I had two conservative male friends at college too and I hung out with them a lot. One of them has gone on to be a judge and I always knew he would make it to the top. He had a side kick, Michael; a small boy with a delicious sense of the ridiculous. We often ganged up against the judge in the library and he would tell us off in a sweet kind of way. Michal gave me a key to his room. He had a lovely big room, much better than my claustrophobic little first year room and when he was off at lectures or away for the weekend, I listened to music in there.

Not a single romantic or sexual thing occurred. But, Michael loved my femininity. I remember once I couldn't get my little car to start and he adored that I could be so dumb. He just loved how girls could be so ridiculous and I liked that he liked that about me, too.

There are a lot of other boys from those days. I had a friend from my home town and we often drove one another home and back. He talked of his girlfriend and we were just chums.

There was an Asian boy who hung out with me, and several of the agriculture boys came to visit me; one in particular. I would send him off on his motorbike to collect Italian cakes and I had the tea ready when he got back.

One boy was the brother of my previous boyfriend. Again, it was never romantic or sexual, but the bond here was closest of all. His parents had divorced and it left him needing sustenance; sustenance that he couldn't derive from his girlfriend alone and he would come and collect me late at night and take me driving, eventually stopping some god-forsaken place to tell me his troubles and hug me tight.

One of my dearest male friends was Mitch. I met him at work when we moved to the US. He was most definitely gay and he opened my eyes to a brand new world that I knew nothing about.

It was the days when people knew little about AIDS and we might be walking along the street together when he would nod to some chap, excuse himself and go and talk to him for a few minutes. The first time, I asked him if he knew him but he told me they had just met, been attracted to one another and were arranging a rendezvous. It blew my head away but I never judged him or tried to stop him. I knew I had no sway over him. I was his friend, his confidant and not there to pass judgement or offer advice.

It was Mitch who told me that I would make a wonderful mother and he continued to write to me upon my return home until one day the letters stopped. Of course, I want to believe that he is still alive, but in my heart I know that he is not.

As a married woman with growing children, the opportunity to have male friends began to dry up for me. I was close to the husband of a girlfriend until my confidence in him was shook. It became clear that he was open to a little hanky panky on the side, and that was not of interest to me. With one of my dearest friend's husband?

To this end, the Internet has proven to be a huge gift in my life. I have had conversations with a number of dominant men and I have a very small handful of superb friendships, men and women alike. When something is ailing me I know who I can turn to; who will listen, guide and comfort. And, words can't convey what that means to me. It is a gift of the highest order; a great blessing in my life.

There is one person in particular that I know that I can rely on. I'm told that he feels the same way. He tells me that he can say anything at all to me; that he says to me what he can't say to anyone else and that was music to my ears. We remain who we are: he the dominant and me the submissive but we speak the truth, we don't play games and we support one another through the good times and the bad times.

The simple fact for me is that as much as I love my husband, and I do love him so very dearly, I thrive on making close connections; with forging friendships that go straight to the soul and the heart and the inner mind. My curiosity for life demands that I speak with people who are different to me even more than to those who are the same.

When I look back on my life I can see very clearly that it has been a pattern for me to stick with situations and relationships that I didn't understand in the hope that one day it would become clear - to give people the benefit of the doubt, time and time again. I don't like to write anybody off. I don't ever want to give up on a friendship, on the opportunity to understand another person's mind. I twist and turn my mind to accommodate them; to see life through their eyes and to try to find my place in their life.

To this end, the power exchange relationship and this web journal is an exploration into not just my mind but the mind of others. I don't reject other ways of looking at life. I embrace other ways of looking at life; at looking at life through another pair of eyes. It is not for the faint hearted and there are moments when I wonder if I am doing the right thing. In any case, my heart is open and my mind is open and I consider that a good thing.

"Don't ever become twisted and bitter," was the advice I was given one day by a trusted friend, a long time ago now. "Stay just as you are."

That is exactly what I intend to do.

The Real Thing

This morning found me in a hospital having a small procedure. It's nothing in the scheme of things and the surgeon assured me that the chances of the report coming back with anything sinister was remote. I'm an optimist by nature, and I believe him.

However, as I made my way through the maze of corridors, I took a wrong turn and found myself heading towards the 'Day Oncology Centre'. I stopped in my tracks and went back from whence I had come, looking up into the eyes of a woman who was, most clearly, on her way into the day oncology centre. My mind immediately wondered if she had the support of someone who loves her to the depths of her soul because in that situation, that is what she needs most.

It rattled me. There but for the grace of God go I. Don't misunderstand me. I have faith in the treatments available these days and if I were given a diagnosis of cancer, I'd deal with it in a positive way. My point is that on any given day our worlds can change on a dime. And, that had me thinking about so many of us who wish to live this lifestyle and find themselves considering a choice between a vanilla style life or a D/s or BDSM sort of life.

Here's the bottom line. We all need to feel love and, hopefully, give love. We all need to feel connected with those special few people in our lives. We need to build relationships and for most of us that includes a commitment with a significant other person. We need the security of knowing that our partner is there for us; that if we get sick or life throws us a curve ball, he or she will walk the walk with us.

Frankly, I fail to see how it is possible to put the kink before the relationship. Surely, we have to build a relationship first: one based on mutual attraction, affection, love, some similar interests and beliefs, including a strong interest in sharing a lifestyle that fulfils mutual needs. Yes, the desire to express our needs can seem overwhelming. I do know this. But, it is not enough on its own.

First of all, we need to build a loving, caring and enjoyable relationship with someone else who suits our natures. We need to express our vulnerabilities and our true selves and know with some conviction that we are loved for who we are. We need to have faith that he or she will see us through the tough times which we will all have. We need to feel love and return that love. With only the kicks of BDSM, it won't be enough. I really want to encourage any girl reading to think about that before she offers herself to some 'Master' because she believes herself to be a 'slave'. Does he love you? Will he honour you and defend you and comfort you in your hour of need?

My husband has the conviction, the commitment and the passion of a Scottish warrior. He will never leave me. I know many of you will say that is just a foolish and ignorant thing to say because I can't predict the future. Trust me on this. He will never leave me and I will never leave him. It is the way it is.

And, a final word about my mentor. He was my friend long before he was my mentor. He is a great mentor because at the core is a solid friendship. This allows me to have complete faith in him and for the care to be mutual. Just below the surface of our roles are two people who care about one another and like one another. It is why it works so effortlessly.

At the end of the day, when we reach a point in life where we begin to look back to where we have gone, it is the connections with others that we will hold the most dear. When one feels this deeply about others, flaws and tough times are merely part of the tapestry of life.

P.S. After posting the above, I received a lovely comment from a regular reader who is a patient of an oncology unit. She requested that I not publish the comment. After reading that comment I would like to make another point. When someone is unwell this can, of course, happen at any time of their lives. Their relationship may be new, not fully formed yet, there may be no relationship at all or the relationship may not survive the challenge of illness. David at 'A View from the Top' wrote a wonderful piece about 'companioning' and this very much applies to people in such circumstances. We need someone to walk that walk with us and it need not be a lifetime companion. In fact, I know of a young girl, only 22, who companioned her boyfriend all the way through his illness like a pro. There most certainly is a grey area and we find our strength and love in unusual places sometimes.

To the girl who sent me the comment, I'm delighted you are still reading regularly. Your personal strength and strong character is evident and I wish you well on your road to recovery. My very best wishes and please keep in touch.

Friends in the sky

It is a pleasure to read Selkie's blog and her discussions always having me thinking. Lately, Selkie gave thought to the element of 'fantasy' associated with 'online' relationships. I'm in no position to make any wild, sweeping statements about the success rate of online relationships. I've never had an online romance, and I've never attempted to find a guy that way. I've heard of some remarkable success stories and I've heard of plenty of dismal failures. I guess it is fair to say that, depending on your luck, it could go either way.

What I am in a position to be able to say is that friendships formed 'online' and only online can be outstandingly successful. I may or I may not meet some or all of my friends one day. Whether I do or don't, the friendships forged are very strong, very enjoyable, very worthwhile and very real. It is almost inconceivable that I could have had such conversations with any person face to face as I have had on the Internet.

I'm not a particularly bold or brave person but I've initiated one or two of my online friendships, whilst others have been bold enough to contact me. I've had a 100 per cent strike rate, for even those friends with whom I no longer talk or write were worthwhile associates. Every one of my current friends, male and female, have turned out to be gems. I feel proud to know them all, and to have some connection with them, and hopefully, to enrich their lives as they have enriched mine.

For the past year and a half, I've been corresponding with a gentleman on the other side of the world. I've revealed a lot of my thinking to him and my needs, and he has given of his time to help me with very specific needs; needs that would have gone unmet otherwise. It was not perfect and each of us bear some responsibility for times when our relationship suffered, but given that we never met, we never spoke, or even saw one another's photos until very recently, we did amazingly well. When our relationship altered recently from that of a therapist/patient or dominant/submissive, if you will, to friend/friend (him remaining a dominant and me remaining a submissive) I had no difficulty in saying that the reason I asked for a change in the status of our relationship was because he had succeeded with me.

The role of an online mentor is treacherous. Two people get to know one another rather well. They work more closely together than any therapist/patient could. Few people can afford to see their therapist more than once a week, but our relationship was conducted on an almost everyday basis. We got to the heart of the matter, the very specific issues that needed to be addressed. And, over time, we began to see significant changes. I wrote that his lessons had "seeped into my bones". When I was not looking, I had changed and grown.

Another dear online friend told me that his wisdom had come when he wasn't looking and I believe that. Wisdom or growth in a person is an evolving thing and one day you look up and realize that it has happened. You are old enough or have grown enough for your problem to no longer be your problem.

Endings are tough. Too tough for either of us. And, so we remain friends; keen to update one another on our lives, from time to time. You don't share your life with someone; your most inner thoughts only to walk away. Or, you should not.

Of course, as a submissive woman with such strong desire and need for containment; for a sense of safety and security, love and serenity, there are still various paths to walk and I do that now with a mind for the specifics of that outcome. My new peace of mind and sense of happiness comes from putting into place those specific ideas to which I am being introduced.

Meanwhile, my husband notices the difference in me and is happy to see the growth and fulfilment of his girl. He is the recipient of my high marks. There is no better man to be found for me than he, I can assure you.

I'm not at all sure that I can tell you whether I am lucky with my online friendships or if I have some 'knack' for it that I should analyze and share. I think I can say on my own behalf that I was prepared to be bold and brave, to be honest and open, and to trust. It may have been dumb luck or it may be that I stumbled on men and women with great integrity and we sussed one another out well. Words can be remarkably powerful.

It is incumbent on me to caution that there are many snakes on the Internet. One must be very careful. But, there are also sparkling gems of people. Each of my Internet friends is, for me, a bright, shining star. I will be forever thankful for having had the great pleasure of knowing them.

One hundredth post

The time has finally arrived. I've been waiting all week to write this post.

Today is my 100th post on this blog; a little celebration of sorts. I don't think that I would ever have started a blog of my own really without support. I thought about it, from time to time, but being technologically challenged as I am, I didn't take it any further than that.

One of the good things about doms is that they when they get their dominant card they are given a bag of tricks; a sort of reward for passing the course with honours.

When Deity decided to convince me to start a blog, he didn't say, "I think you should start a blog." Rather, inch by inch he led me towards making that decision for myself. He is a patient man and it took some time for the seed to sew, but eventually it did, and he expressed his delight. I'm not sure what you call that trick, exactly.

Today is the day that I want to say a very special thank you to my readers. I don't get all that many comments, but I don't have a problem with that. You see, I have my little stat counter there on the right hand side of my page and every so often, I have a look at the map that shows me where my readers live in the world. I'm delighted to see that there are readers from all over the world.

Some of my readers come and go fairly quickly. They note, I guess, that there are no sexy pictures on my blog, and nor is the word 'sex' mentioned all that often. That's okay. I have done the same thing myself. We want what we want, when we want it.

However, I do have a core group of readers who return to these pages regularly. Obviously, I don't know you and I most likely never will. Yet, you probably know by now, that I have a vivid imagination. In my mind's eye, I can see you. I imagine you sitting at your office desk, taking a coffee break and linking over to me. Or, I see you in your apartment late at night before you go to bed, having a quick read. What is Vesta on about today, you ask. Other times, I see you in your kitchen in your country house. You've put on the dinner, and whilst you wait for it to cook, you check out a few blogs, mine included. You live in busy, noisy cities and in quiet little towns. You are all a bit kinky and you are all part of the audience to whom I speak.

I'm delighted to have you all here. Alas, I can't make you a cup of tea and offer you a shortbread. That sort of hospitality is beyond the realms of possibility. But, I do want you to be comfortable, to feel part of this little group, and to know, that each time you drop by, you are entirely welcome.

Have a great day!

Don't let the bed bugs bite!

On one level, I waste considerable time. I really could achieve so much more in a day if I just didn’t turn on my laptop.

On another level, it is not wasted time at all.

Every single day of this extraordinary experience in the D/s space, I learn.

I would not know how to begin to tell you all the lessons I learned today. Maybe most important of all, I learned the value of love, of forgiveness, of wanting to please, and of friendship.

Today, I had one of the most profound conversations of my life; on chat. He put so much effort into setting me straight and I hope when we left one another at the end of the conversation he knew that he had sorted the whole thing out in my mind. What a guy!

Here’s the thing! Dominant men are not just good at dominating submissive women; their wives, their girlfriends; their lovers; whatever.

Dominant men can make the most adorable ‘boy next door’ chums.

For the purposes of anonymity I have altered the name and the odd word, but this exchange at the end of our heated, intense, dramatic, and sometimes stern exchange, says it all. Dominant men can be just adorable. This sweet man was kept up well past his bedtime and by the time we were saying good night, things had got pretty soppy and silly. But, dominant men are little boys sometimes just like submissive women are little girls. Ain’t life grand? Please enjoy:

A: Vesta?
me: yes?
A: have you smiled?
me: yes, I am smiling right now
A: thank you
you are better then?
me: it is my pleasure
than a barrel of monkeys
Sir: and that is good?
me: i think so
i think I come with a cautionary note
"Lovely girl but prone to blow like a bottle rocket. Beware!"
A: good thing I have no idea what that means then
me: when you are rested I shall explain
time for all good little boys to turn off their computers
and tuck down
do you have your blankie?
A: I shall ignore it again and again and again
me: are you all tucked in?
do you need a glass of water?
A: I think I'm ok Eddie and I should be fine
me: that's good
well don't you let the bed bugs bite
and pleasant dreams
A: have a pleasant evening
me:time to turn off the light
nightie night
me: A, have you fallen asleep
you need to turn off the lap top first
A!!!!!
A!!!!!!!!
turn off the lap top first
don't let it drop on the floor
A!!!!!!!!

The Balancing Act

I have published another post over at the 'Transformher' site and I hope that you will wander over there and read it. The post discusses finding the balance in our relationships.

In the post, I make note of two special friends. As a girl who has no kinky friends in her life 'on the ground'(apart from my husband, of course), I feel exceptionally fortunate to have several wonderful kinky friends in the blogosphere.

My husband and I were travelling over the weekend. We came into a little town and I noticed the board in front of the church.

"Get rich quick. Count your blessings."

I've just taken stock of my family, friends, mentor and new friends up in the air, and who would have guessed? I'm rich!

Okay, off you scoot to Deity's place!

Mentors

There has been considerable talk about the place of mentors in the past weeks. I am very lucky in that when I chose my mentor, I chose very well. Occasionally, I think he worries that he might have got something wrong with me. But, as I tell him, even when he is wrong, he is actually right. It works quite beautifully. I share this little (slightly edited) snippet of our exchange earlier today to explain how simply effective (and effectively simple) it can be:

My husband and I had been for a walk and therein, I said something he didn’t care for, and I was hauled over the coals for it. I do have my ‘not feeling submissive’ moments. You might have guessed.


Anyways, I ended up by turning on my heel and walking home; alone. I put on the kettle and sat down to check my mail online and there was Janus, up for a chat. He asked how I was and I admitted that...


”I'm in a bit of trouble and trying to keep my distance from ‘you know who’ at the moment.


“Why are you in trouble?”


“All was absolutely fine and dandy...good morning...and we were going for a walk, and then we had a bit of an exchange, and he didn't like what I said. He started to get really cross with me and I saw red and I crossed the street. Bad move!! He came over and got even madder and I turned around and walked home. I know I'm meant to go and apologize, but you know what? I'll have to go through the speech all over again, and I 'm trying to cool myself down so that I can take it.


I’m sure you can guess what Janus said, but just for the record:


“It's time for you to take responsibility. Why are you delaying? You know what you need to do. Calm down, go tell him you are sorry. I'll wait. “


“ Okay, okay.... I'm going...”


“I’m back. He accepted my apology.”


“ See, getting it done right away has its rewards.”

“I know that you are right.”


Of course, Janus would not be Janus if he didn’t press my buttons. And, when we had a transmission failure later and our words to one another were not getting through, it was quite funny to later read our responses to one another; neither sure if we had offended one another in some way. You see, he is more than just a mentor, and I’m more than just a ‘green as grass’ sub. We have a lovely, lovely friendship. Lucky, lucky, lucky me!