Psychoanalysis - the end

 Okay, psychoanalysis for me, that was a dumb idea. Maybe with someone else, someone with positive regard for the client and a non-judgmental approach, but, ah no, that experience needed to be terminated. 

Before I terminated, I checked with several people - the hypnotherapist, the man I had gone on a few dates with and was a therapist, my son who is a therapist, my eldest son, my male 'friend', and they all agreed, 'okay, sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we don't listen to our intuition, and that's what happened here, so let's step out of the mud and run in the other direction.'

I hot tailed it back to the hypnotherapist who isn't just any old hypnotherapist but a kink educator. A light scolding:

'Now, what did you learn from this experience?'

'To follow my instincts.'

'That's right.'

So, we had a great discussion before a trance which was breathtakingly healing. We got onto boundaries. We were talking about kinky dating apps and rope classes and so on, and we got onto boundaries, something that, frankly, I have been confused about.

He was explaining that the men he talks to, they don't want a whiny 30 something submissive, they want a slave: someone who can be obedient to them and someone who can take care of herself too. They want a slave with confidence.

I asked a dumb question.

'Well, what if they want something, like money, and I don't want to give it to them?'

I could hear the hold back in his voice, the pause, what he was dealing with.

'Then, you say NO.'

Then, he explained.

'With your husband you weren't allowed to have boundaries. If you created a boundary, which you started to do, he actively punished you for it. The person who should have been teaching you boundaries was punishing you for creating a boundary.'

I hadn't thought about it quite like that, hadn't actually realised that I was in a dominant:slave relationship, but yes, he was right.

The moral of the story, folks, the lesson learned, is that if you identify as a kinkster - a submissive, a slave, a dominant, it's going to be hard to find a therapist who is going to be able to talk to you in a way where you understand each other. Be careful who you open up to. I mean this woman told me I was living in a fantasy world and the only reason she could think that up is that I shared my fantasy life. There's more. It was wretched. Such a violation of trust. Never going back.

Daily Maintenance Spanking

 A couple of weeks ago I was given an idea which I immediately embraced. Thus, a joint email was sent to both my husband and me. It outlined an idea which the kink friendly therapist we have been using, on and off, had found to be successful with several of his recent clients.

In essence the idea was for me to be given a daily maintenance spanking. We would be working towards five minutes a day. It was no problem to work up to that amount of time, but to cap it at five minutes. No other directive was given, except that if the spanking led to a play session or sex, that was fine.

I had mentioned to my husband to expect an email and once he received it, and I let the dust settle a bit, I asked if it was something he thought might work for us. He was fine with it, he said, so long as I was fine with it. I have noticed this pattern, that he wants what would make his girl happy, consistently.

Several days went by. I admit I was a bit frustrated. I think he noticed that too. He came to me one morning out of the blue and said we would start now. It was a loving spanking, peppered with lots of soft and loving touch.

We got to Friday and that was a very busy day for me. We had had a lovely evening out together at a concert and by the evening I was looking for a shower and bed. He came to me at a low energy point, and I wasn't able to be sweet enough in my request for a shower first. He noticed. He always notices these things.

I got the rounds of the kitchen later. He made it clear that he was in charge of when things happened and how they happened. He was quite right about that.

The following morning the spanking was memorable, and my memory of that day is that I was quiet, co-operative, sore and present. It was far too soon to know what this daily spanking was doing to me, to us. Each day had been a bit different to the one before, in terms of a reaction, so I was in a 'just noticing' state. I noticed that I was a bit out of sorts but only in an internal way. Just, noticing.

The following morning, I asked if he was okay with using his hand. I had a feeling about this, and he admitted that his hand had acquired a deep bruise. He showed it to me. He is on a lot of medication, and I had already wondered if it was going to be an impediment.

It would have to be an implement, I assured him. I didn't want to see him hurt. That wasn't the idea at all. 

We both did a search of suitable items. He had a wooden paddle and a leather one. I had a wooden hairbrush. The cane wasn't going to work, nor the flogger, the strap or the crop. They were all there somewhere, but we only searched for the paddles. I wouldn't say I am not a masochist but nor am I an ardent masochist. I can be quickly brought to heel at the thought of a sound beating.

He selected the leather paddle, because he is sensible and that was enough of an upgrade from his hand for now. In truth, his hand hurt more the previous day, but the paddle induced sexual excitement almost immediately, and he struggled not to turn it into an instant sexual encounter. 

The man is on androgen replacement therapy so technically speaking what happened isn't supposed to happen. However, spanking can illicit these sorts of results. So, he did that and then spanked again later.

I think a threshold we have to get over is that I can't prevent myself from making a lot of noise when paddled and I think this can throw him off, as if I can't take the pain. It's not easy, for sure, but it's something that has to be worked up to, not at all insurmountable.

It occurred to me, as it would to any sensible person, that there are some issues to address. Is it not the case that after a few weeks of this, one is going to be almost constantly marked? And, what about sexual appetite? What about the ability to concentrate on other matters?

I went looking for material about daily maintenance spanking and found very little of use. One couple has partaken for the past 18 months every single day and has nothing but a glowing report (pun intended) of the practice. That's reassuring, but it does have to be noted we are talking about a self-professed intense sadist and masochist. I wish I could hear from others who are perhaps a little more mainstream in this non-mainstream practice.

So far, all is good. We have both agreed to this and what's important here is that we stick to our agreement.

One thing I have noted already is that it has brought out his desire for a dominant stance overall. We have an agreement that I don't start to eat my dinner before he takes his first bite or tells me I can begin to eat. We had takeout last night, a very rare thing these days, as I usually cook meals that suit his needs, and it completely slipped my mind. He noticed. I was pleased he had noticed. I definitely had erred, and he told me I had earned a disciplinary stroke. 

Ah, he wants to do that too. So be it. I am delighted. I want him to want this.

I think the thing about agreeing to something like a daily spanking is that it is an instant recognition of the polarity between us, an instant recognition of the power dynamic at play. Whilst I don't have months or years of experience of it to be able to recommend it, the initial results are more than satisfactory.

The inner voice

 An issue that has come up for us in our union, and one that my husband wants to resolve is that in the power exchange we are creating, he wants whatever he says to be obeyed. This is the normal expectation in power exchange, of course.

A couple of problems have surfaced around the fact that I have a rather strong intuition, or shall we say, self-direction, around how to handle a matter. I don't necessarily see a matter exactly as he does, or how to resolve the matter in the same way he does. 

We also can have a different sense of timing. I may look to get it resolved as soon as possible whereas he may want to reflect on it some more. 

The truth is I might look to do something when he is out because then I can just do it and it's done. Not all problems require consultation or waiting. I have a lot of patience but sometimes I struggle to be patient and just want to get the thing done and sorted. I think the marriage has on the whole, thrived under the agreement that I am the one that just gets a whole lot of things, outside of business matters, done.

I've noticed today, and he has made darn sure I noticed today that this is a very sore point. If he says to do it his way - let's say, wait some more - and my natural tendency to move on with a remedy overtakes me, he is very cross with me. In fact, more than that, he is determined to nip this assertiveness in me in the bud. If he says wait, I am to wait.

He very naturally likes control, generally, but particularly now, of me. Duh.

I was driving in the car earlier today and felt upset about a correction around these matters, at the same time as I thought, 'well, kudos to him, he's drawn a line in the sand. Isn't that what you wanted and asked for?' It's the push/pull of giving up control to another, of living that slave girl mindset which is so arousing to me.

I was with Andre just now, my acupuncturist and he told me that my spleen was not acting perfectly. It could be tiredness from Christmas festivities and planning, of course, he said, but was I going through something at the moment, some sort of rather significant change?

Well, yeah, that could be it; that could account for the lack of energy I have been feeling in the last couple of weeks. You could say giving over your free will to another was a rather significant change.

Don't get me wrong. I love what we are creating, and I am happy he is so engaged with the process. I am just noting there's a strong self-will here within my bones; an inner voice that guides my behaviour and decisions and it isn't going to be easy to quiet that voice entirely. Watch this space.

Power exchange

 Life is so different now. It has entered a very sexual, very orgasmic period. One day I am full of energy, steaming through my work and other days I feel like I could sit and stare all day, trying my hardest to generate some momentum, but still having difficulty. I do a few things, sort through solutions to some problems and then, I'm trying all over again to move further on. 

I think it is the chemicals running through my body; the mind that rarely turns off. I dream eroticism, I think eroticism. All day. Everything else pales into insignificance, but since I do have many responsibilities, I must push against this dreamy state repeatedly. (I am hoping the writing helps.)

This morning my husband asked me if I would like to touch myself while he showered, or would I rather ask permission later in the day. I took the opportunity as it was presented to me and said I would like to do so now. Orgasms came thick and fast, since, I think, it was just an extension of whatever I was dreaming as I was waking up.

I'm not a personal fan of having one's orgasms controlled, but I also felt it wasn't wise to whine about the restriction. I also didn't feel it wise to even think about disobeying the order. In the past, I might have thought about it, but I am changed. It's profound, the change, and although some may be excused for thinking the training done under trance not possible, I am here to tell you that, it works. I am here to tell you that my mind has been tampered with and I wouldn't dream of disobeying. 

'Obedience is pleasure.'

I can give you endless examples of the training in trance applying to my life, how I am during sex, how my mindset is altered. To give a simple example, under trance I was told to say, 'Yes, Sir'. At one point I was told to say, 'Sir, yes, Sir.' This is not a form of address I have barely ever used in my life, and up to that point he was just his first name to me. So, of course, I noted it, complied with the instruction.

In the past few weeks my husband has told me that unless the children are around or there are people that could overhear, he is 'Sir' or 'Onnr'. That's how he writes it in chat and how he wants me to write it in chat. It's so new to me that I often still forget, or just revert back to my default, 'Yes', 'No'. '

'Yes, Sir' he will say, not unkindly, just a reminder of the new world order. 'Yes, Sir' I say.

It's not just that. It's the world I was presented in trance. I obey. I don't even think about disobeying, nor do I plead for mercy. The orgasms last as long as they last, sex lasts as long as it lasts. If my knees are getting stiff, I put up with it. If I'm tiring, I remind myself, it can't last forever. It would feel so wrong to defy the control. There's a glimmer of the old me, enough to consider asking for my preference, but it's quickly discarded. I. have. no. control.

I make the bed with a new sense of service. In a nutshell I feel incredibly owned.

My husband, due to a condition, has had to undergo therapy that means he does not have penile erection. BUT HE SO DOES. The doctors can't quite believe it. Tell them, I said to him, that they don't know about power exchange.

This is an experiment, that has had outstanding results. I give enormous credit to the hypnotist who stuck with us through thick and thin. 

Just before the last session ended, he said to me, 'I could have done this on day one. But, I waited. There is so much more I can teach you.'

I don't doubt it for a minute

Having an opinion

In a synergistic relationship such as a power exchange, there can sometimes be a sense that when these two very different people come together they should  think alike. The fact is, however, that couples fight and usually they fight because they have differing views. This needs to be sorted out in some way for the sake of cohesion. Maybe there is compromise, or co-operation, or one defers to the other. Each relationship has its own formula.

I honestly don't see one sort of agreement or arrangement as being better than another. It's about what makes the people involved content and satisfies their personalities. I think  that a close relationship is designed to rub the rough edges off each other anyway; to investigate issues left over from the past and to make accommodations for the strengths and weaknesses of each person. With every challenge in life we learn something, so if we are not challenged much, the downside of that is that there is less chance of learning more about yourself or extending yourself. I don't mean this in terms of external achievements but rather getting closer to yourself and understanding yourself more. I see this as one of life's big undertakings. Content and settled people make an underestimated difference to this world.

Ideally, there is a certain meeting in the middle with relationships. It's unlikely to be a good thing to be too far to the left or the right in your desire for control or your desire to control. It's unlikely to be a good thing if you can't be  alone with yourself or find your own company satisfying. The love for yourself is what you share with the world so loving yourself is no small thing; absolutely vital.

No matter my kinky nature, that instinctive and natural tendency towards submission and service, even humiliation and shame in a scene, I've always, and I mean always, thought of myself as a separate entity in this world. I really don't need anyone to agree with me for agreement sake. I make up my own mind. Sometimes, I am wrong and I adjust my thinking accordingly. But, I never feel that my husband, my extended family, my friends or anyone else is obliged to agree with me on any matter, because they should. We're all unique, sometimes deeply challenging souls.

I'm not sure it's such a great thing to be too good. I've been good, loyal, faithful and I am happy I am that way, because those things matter to me at the soul level, but every now and then something rises up and I want to shake things up a bit. It's not a good thing, in my opinion, to give someone heaps of control and let them run with it for long stretches without reminding them  that being good, the person they want me to be, isn't always how I am.

I get triggered by things said. I get annoyed. I get frustrated. I can be diplomatic, and go away and process my anger/frustration/annoyance, because I am darn good at that now. Yet, the spirit demands to have the odd conversation where one might say something that provokes, for sure, but is also my truth in the moment.

When you provoke someone who wants control and control over you too, they tend to provoke you back. Funny that! Well, that's just the way it has to be in the odd moment. There is flesh and blood you're dealing with here. There's passion. I'm no wind up doll.

In that space of being a toy, a doll, what have you, there's a chance to empty the mind, which is one of the main reasons I like that space so much. The other reason is just simply that I don't know why I like that space so much. I just do. By and large, there's no reason to think. Someone else is doing that for you, and so these little rebellious moments aren't a shift in psyche at all. I am, in my own way almost saying, 'Just watch it. I'm no pushover.' which is a point my husband has made before, that after an intense scene it can be a dangerous time.

That's a good thing, probably, protecting you both from taking yourselves too seriously. I don't know why I sometimes rock the boat, honestly. It just happens, probably little grudges that I've held onto and in the moment I am triggered again by that unpleasant feeling. You'd have to hone down deeper than I am willing to do right now; no time for that.

I was accused recently of being "uppity" which really got my goat. But, I am wondering now if that might have some little thing to do with  my rather new very close relationship with myself, which may possibly feel alienating in some way. Here's the goal and the outcome: I can easily just be. Not particularly invested in anyone's opinions or ways, nor in expressing my own, there is much more space to hone down to my essence, my soul, or whatever word you can find that defines that part of me that came into the world in the form of a body but that is not my body and certainly not my mind.

It's hard to talk about but I can close my eyes now, in a train or sitting at my desk, or laying in my bed and get in touch with that essence with which I came into the world such that when I open my eyes I say, 'Ah, yes, this is life on Earth. What will the next minutes bring me in way of an experience?' This keeps me interested, enchanted, quite fascinated with life.

Do I worry about this life ending? Of course, I do. I have loved ones here that I'd miss and who would miss me. Endings are not for sissies. Still, I am less troubled by the thought of death, more confident that those I love will find their own way. It's a form of letting go.

I am a little discouraged when I see people so invested in demanding that their views are the right views. Certainly, some information is better than others. Even if you look at something like the value of soy products, there is so much information on both sides, and it's hard for the consumer to get to the truth of the matter. The truth of such matters counts. But, again, one has to quietly make up one's own mind, unless you are someone touting the value of soy products, or on the other side, and then you have a important responsibility to offer the best science out there.

Perhaps this is why I am not inclined to say 'I agree with you', as so many people want you to do, as if my opinion should matter to them, in some way affect how they feel. I am quiet because I am processing. Does that make sense to me? Is that right? I have my own opinions to be sure, and am sometimes gullible, too willing to listen to anything before I discard it probably, but this seems the right thing to do, for me.

Unfortunately, some people are very invested in their partners thinking just how they think, agreeing with them openly and often. But, marriage or even a power exchange relationship should not demand that people think alike. I tend to skate around this. I tend to hold my own counsel even in the midst of nodding or listening quietly. Mostly quiet and self-contained, I can defer most of the time, but remain my own person. There's no changing that.

Disciplinary thoughts

Some people in the know feel that kinks can be best understood by examining the day dreams one has when in the midst of private arousal. Of course, my day dreams relate to a very clear dynamic where I don't have much control at all. In fact, in the day dreams any sort of negotiation isn't available, whereas in real life, I aim to negotiate when things aren't how I'd like them to be. That's the big difference between my fantasy and my reality. If I was told to have my nails cut in a stiletto style, I'd do just about anything to get out of that, but in the fantasy, well, it would just happen; be supervised. Boom! I'd have what I think of as evil claws. In my fantasy I might even like them, though I am doubtful of that.

That said, I do enjoy situations in real life where it's like my fantasies. As one would expect, I don't necessarily like everything that happens in those situations and yet it unfailingly arouses me at the same time. That's the push/pull that gets submissives hooked, I think. Maybe it's fun to have to do something you don't want to do, but not always. What it is is satisfying to know that the Other is serious about getting his way, at least for this experience and for other experiences in the future. There's a sense of comfort in that sort of mental bondage that is as snuggly as being under a woolen blanket in from of an open fire on a dark and freezing winter night.

In the fantasies, discipline is a major part of the scenario, because, well, because that gets me off. Obviously, I am going to conjure the situation that does it for me. In real life, I'm less interested in being disciplined, except to say that when that has happened I am even more horny than I am in my private fantasy. I hate it and yet I love it, which is quite a dilemma, not just for me but for many submissive types, I would imagine.

To give an example, in the fantasies it is often the case that I am sent by someone who is my superior to someone who is even more superior to him or her. There's a waiting time. It might be a minute or two or it might be an  hour or more. This time is a time of reflection and self recrimination. 'If only' time, I call it. If only I had held my tongue. If only I had done it the way I was supposed to do it.

Also, it's a time for those above me to really drive the message home with plenty of humiliation, making me feel like a naughty child. So, I'm often sent to a wall with my nose pushed into it. I'm often told to raise my dress to keep ever present in my mind the attention my ass is almost certainly going to receive. They like, I feel sure, for me to fuss about what instrument will be used and for how long I'll be beaten. I oblige.

There's no 'it hurts me more than it hurts you' speech when I am finally called in. It's about the necessity of the exercise to impress on my mind that what I did I must never do again. It's all about that, with lots of emphasis on statements such as 'a girl must do as she is told'.

In real life, this sort of scene would be terribly taxing. Imagine holding one's nose to the wall for an hour imagining what comes next. And, imagine the speech and then the sentence, and settling oneself into position for a beating that absolutely will impress on the mind that a girl should never get herself into such a situation again.

And, yet, a mind blowingly orgasmic experience too! I think what I like about it best is that it would be a most rare scene. But, it happened once, and hence it could happen again. One takes that thought and makes jam out of it for months and months. It's an incredibly delicious thought that reminds one there is a power exchange in play, which for certain people is as good as it gets.

I'm not even sure I should write about what really goes on in this mind of mine because it is intense, deep, ongoing and all pervasive. One only has to say certain things in a certain way, make certain moves, be committed to taking control, and my mind is right there, so much that I feel a need to hide to what extent it is really going on under my skin and between my legs. It's something one feels obliged to keep under wraps out of fear; fearful of getting what one wants.

I don't know. I've held this side of me in for so long, it has oozed out of its own accord. This girl is on fire. (I think I stole that line from  a song...)

Lessons of the past year

For many years, forever, there has been a fantasy running through my head; that there would be a man in my life who would instinctively and completely understand my need to fall under his wing in every way.

The roles in this fantasy have always been well defined and in order to hone down into that space the fantasies are often a little cruel, when in fact the role I play for him, and him for me, is anything but that; deeply loving, caring, sharing; adored and adoring. I think when we are young there is a sense of wide open space and infinite possibilities that allow for such a fantasy in a young girl's mind and for decades it refused to die. It not only survives, it thrives, even though I am in my sixties now.

It's no co-incidence that I took special note of the story of Jane Eyre as a child. Loving Mr Rochester and him loving her back was molded into the roles they played for one another. I remember feeling at great peace for Jane in the final scene, and deep peace within myself as she sat on the ground right by him, him on the seat patting her head (at least that is the way I remember the scene). It's romantic love that I attuned to even back then but also the themes of maturity versus youth, femininity versus masculinity, leader versus follower. Which is not to say that Jane didn't have a wisdom or an innate understanding of Mr Rochester that she brought to the table. I've always thought of Jane as instinctively attuned to Mr Rochester; his ways, his needs.

It's very hard to let go of such an enduring fantasy and for many years I tended to have a thought at the back of my mind -  if I can't have it all, then I'll do without. But, that thought broke down many times over as I came to see that I was attempting to annihilate out of my life my innate self. The kinky mind has been with me for longer than most of the people reading this has been alive. It's an enduring, soothing thought. It's an important part of my sexuality. It is my sexuality.

As a Caretaker type, meaning a person who can put others needs ahead of their own needs, self-care was a foreign thought.  I said recently to a small group of people - maybe 12 of us, a very safe small group - that it was only very recently, perhaps  the past twelve months or a little longer, that I have understood what self-love even meant. It's been a huge year of self discovery in that sense.

The most important lesson of the year has been that I can't wait for and shouldn't expect 'Mr Rochester' to save me; to tend to me; to lovingly dominate me. Wonderful when it comes along, but silly to wait; to pine for, to wish, to feel resentment and sorrow when there is that lack in my life.

It's a commitment to giving up the victim role, the persecutor role and the savior role. It's akin to saying 'It is what it is' and 'We are as we are'. It's looking at the situation and seeing if there is a new way to resolve the fact that we are in fact very different people; neither better or worse, good or bad; just people whose attention is drawn towards different areas of life. It's recognizing we are equals, with strengths and weaknesses, and seeing if we can accommodate that individuality within a more fun paradigm that includes both of us being fulfilled.

We are as we are, all of us, and there are measures I can take to soothe myself when his attention is steered in another direction; to feel whole; to connect in with my intrinsic self. It's not ideal; not really at all like the fantasy that has endured my whole life, but nonetheless it feels right to care for myself as best I can; to have no specific expectations. This leaves room, I anticipate, for experiences that will satisfy within certain scenarios.

Gratitude is so important in life and I have so much to be grateful for.  I think as we age we develop some wisdom about that. A new home, a new baby, a new dress are all wonderfully exciting things in life in the moment, but so too is a great cup of coffee, the moment when the rose blooms, a cool evening breeze after a hot day, the touch of lips meeting lips; the wagging tail of a dog. There are sweetnesses in life every day if we are attuned to them.

Someone I have come to know was having lunch with Ram Dass one day (what a fantasy that is!) many years ago when she said to him, 'Well, it looks like I won't be having children'. He more or less waved her off. 'Well, there's always something we want we don't get,' he said.  Or, words like that.

This stunned her a bit. It wasn't a small thing she wasn't getting, after all. And yet, she took the point. It's the human condition to have to suffer the loss, or never to have at all, that which we covet. Ask anyone and there will be something in this life desperately wanted but not got - a loving mother, the respect of a father, the admiration of a child, to be an actress or a painter, to work, to not work, to love, to be loved, to have a mentor, to be in print. We all have our thing.

I recently read a quote of Brene Brown. 'Joy, collected over time, fuels resilience.' Like a habit of mind, when we go in search for joy, we collect it in abundance, and this builds resilience for the disappointments and sorrows in life.

As this year comes to an end I feel proud of lessons learned: a willingness and ability to take care of myself, when and if I must; pockets full of joy; resilience; promise that tomorrow will take care of itself.

Building a Successful Life

In terms of a power exchange relationship people talk of the arrangement sometimes as an energy exchange. Different people have different things to say. I've heard and read of it as an exchange of two different types of personality, 'She loves to give and I love to take, so it works for both of us.'

I've thought of it as an ideal combining of two different types of people; one who enjoys taking the lead and one who is happy to be led. Not that nearly anyone wants to be led in all ways and at all times, but rather the relationship can express the synchronicity of the coupling and then details can be adjusted as required.

The lovely things to be said about an energy exchange between such people all imply that the relationship is undertaken with intelligence, with intention and with respect. There needs to be some consistency, acknowledgement of strengths and weaknesses, together with an awareness that life challenges will interfere with smooth sailing at times. It needs to be real.

A psychologist is likely to be concerned about power relationships if they get the sense that the relationship looks more like an Empath being taken advantage of by a Narcissist. Empaths can become what is known as pathological givers. They tend to feel that if they give to the Other what he or she needs, they will be loved and be given what they need automatically. The narcissist doesn't necessarily feel this way or indeed follow that sort of thinking.

This is probably what separates a power exchange that is healthy from one that is unhealthy. If both people have their needs met, who can argue with that? But, if one person has permanently unmet needs, that's not a good thing.

People whose needs are not met would do well to explain themselves, but there is no guarantee that this will sort the matter out. There may be an uptick in reciprocity but chances are only average that there will be a permanent change in mindset. It is the rare person, and particularly so if they have a demanding or set disposition, that can change themselves to suit another person.

The empath/submissive can be so frustrated that she might rage but ultimately he or she must accept the reality of being locked into a relationship that lacks reciprocity; where the Other is unable to feel his or her pain.

Putting aside this relationship for a moment and considering all relationships in our lives, what is a wise way to think about them as a whole? Some friendships are deeper - and smoother - than others, but as we age we come to see that all friendships and all relationships have an internal mechanism.

As much as we might like to get to know someone more intimately, or to feel closer to a friend, or to wish that the waitress in the Diner who brings us our chicken salad sandwich would crack a smile, there is only so much we can do to change these circumstances.

I believe that there are ways we can influence relationships. Speaking to someone with a respectful tone when explaining what you want them to do makes the exchange more friendly as a rule. If someone begins to shout staying calm can help them to settle. We can do what we know to do. But, we can't change people's intentions or motivations or personality.

In the same way we can talk to someone with whom we exchange energy in a power exchange, but it doesn't guarantee change. It depends on their drivers - their level of distraction, their understanding of what is important in their minds; what they want. This is a relationship no different to any other really except for the fact that it could be a parasitic relationship, and that's dangerous.

Some relationships are very stressful. When someone is on the alert for the changes of mood of someone, walking on eggshells, looking out for red flags, that's very stressful. Apart from the psychological pain that ensues, the body is subject to chronic inflammation. An empath's energetic field can be so open he or she can neglect the body.

It's clear that it's no small amount of work to solve these issues when an empath or submissive has found herself in the orbit of a  Narcissist who is ambivalent. Certainly this post can't solve this complex problem except that I would like to offer three suggestions that could, in time, give such a person the strength they need to assess the situation with clarity; to make positive change.

1) A meditative practice, being the witness to your own mind, teaches you to think with clarity and awareness that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

2) Resilience is not something that we either have or don't have. You can teach yourself to go without and in doing so attain a sense of empowerment. Going without something, perhaps sugar or salt or tv for a time is a good start in this practice. As you learn that you can indeed go without you will see with clarity and discrimination what to say 'no' to, and what to say 'yes' to.

3) Develop patience. 'I can wait.' This will give you strength.

We are all made up of strengths and weaknesses and we can be grateful for both. A focus on the weaknesses is a learning prompt and encourages compassion. It is all experience. Nothing is lost.

Clarity of thought

An event occurred yesterday with my husband; something that was intended to be uplifting and positive but unfortunately did not have a positive ending. Intuitively, I knew to remain very quiet all day. I am certain that no-one had the vaguest idea that anything might be wrong with me. They were busy doing their thing and I was busy keeping myself busy. In fact, I was quite productive throughout the day and intent on not being upset, if that makes sense.

I'm not so good at this ethereal/philosophical/Buddhist/spiritual thing that I can repair the event in my mind and end up with an immediate 'everything is as it should be' sort of outcome, but at the same time I didn't say a word about it, to anyone, and nor did I write anything. I recognized that I needed time to process what had happened before I could even think of taking any action, or making any comment, or even just thinking about it in any sort of clear way.

The mind is as the mind is, and thus I had running through it all sorts of thoughts. I've come to a place where I completely understand and accept that we are not our thoughts - that thoughts and emotions come and go, and that we are the awareness behind all of that. In my flawed human way I noticed the thoughts, the tendency to see this event as catastrophic, but I simply noticed that. I had that quiet curiosity about the thoughts, of these invasions of my peace of mind. In other words, turbulent feelings, emotions and thoughts remained but I had a reasonable handle on them.

While I was on the retreat I got into several quite deep and meaningful conversations with a woman we shall call Rachel. She told me her life story and it's one of the most fascinating explanations I have ever heard of the reasons behind a person becoming a psychiatrist. I got to like her, a lot, and respected her as someone who had way more experience than me in these matters. 'I'm tired of Tolle,' she declared to me one day. I thought about it. 'Well Eckhart is a good place to start,' I suggested. I actually don't think Eckhart Tolle ever gets old and he helped me a lot yesterday. Here's what I read:

‘Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender…
To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This stage is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad. It seems paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms tend to improve greatly.’
- Eckart Tolle, The Power of Now.

This passage was a poignant reminder to me that we must not resist our emotions. I was...upset. When I am not sure how I am feeling about something, maybe angry, maybe sad, maybe disheartened, I tend to use the word 'upset'. My mind and my body are upset, not at peace. This, for me, is good enough of a description. This was the truth and undeniable.

The passage reminded me too that I hold myself to high standards. I don't want to be 'upset' and it's upsetting when I am upset. I'm mad with myself. Why can't I get a grip so that I don't experience upset? But Tolle's wise words reminded me that I experience what I experience and that's okay.

It's the next bit of the statement that is really profound - that the moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace is transmuted into peace. This worked on two levels:

When I read this I sat with my non-peace state. I breathed into it, focused on my breathing pattern and within that simple process I could feel my non-peace state to turn into a more peaceful state - a recognition that I would not always be in peace, that it was unrealistic to expect it to be so, but that at my disposal was enough wisdom to see that the non-peace was fleeting...that in my humanness and he in his humanness, we had ended up with an outcome that was...upsetting.

It wasn't the end of the world, or the product of a failed relationship, but simply the product of a failure to communicate. It wasn't as complex a problem as it seemed, but rather a quite simple one. No, we were not ideally suited to one another from a sexuality perspective, but neither were we as far apart as it seemed in the moment. Some skills needed to be honed, for sure, and we needed to devise a way for me to express what was happening to me in a heavy bondage scene, but all of that was surmountable. It didn't all spell the doom and gloom that some of the uninvited thoughts suggested.

Some day when the time is right I will share the three elements required for a successful life, as presented to us at the retreat. I am still reflecting on them myself. But, I think the first is now very obvious to me. To have a successful life one must have clarity of thought. Meditation is a bit like various experiences within a power exchange relationship. I can't really explain those experiences, although I do try on these pages. One learns about them within the experience. Meditation is like this. Alone with one's mind on a regular basis, clarity of thought begins to rule one's life. A still and calm mind speaks it's own language.

Duration

A power exchange dynamic is best explained in my life as the full expression of my entity. It wasn't anybody else's idea, but rather the instinctive and natural side of my nature needing to be expressed. The element of me that sought to be challenged and stretched, to be connected to someone who sought to challenge and stretch, sat there, just slightly under my skin.

I knew this at the same time as I lacked awareness. I felt the stirrings of desire when watching moments in a movie or reading certain scenes in a book. I felt more alive when not treated so much as a woman whom one treated with respect, but rather when I was tested to tap into some inner strength to step up. Respect is a required element of any valuable transaction, of course, but I innately understood that when I was asked to mine down to my personal power, I somehow rose up and became my best self.

Words struggle to express the ineffable; the reason why I keep on writing on here, doggedly trying to achieve the impossible. When I am spanked and taken right up to and beyond my pain limits, it helps me to rise up to be my best self. Comfort is not my enemy but at the same time it is hard to imagine always being comfortable. I find a certain comfort in struggle; a reminder that I am alive and that blood flows through these veins; that my lifeforce is still very much with me.

For the past few weeks there has been a more physical life within the marriage. He's wanted to spank me and test me and those challenges take me down to a very minimal space where the responses are quite out of my control. I'm a puppet with strings; strings that need to be pulled. This, I love.

In the midst of a discussion with some women lately we got onto the topic of the 'Outlander' series.  I couldn't resist speaking of the spanking scene. Claire had disobeyed Jamie and not stayed where he told her to stay. Her actions put not only Jamie but all his men at risk. If it had only been him that had been put at risk, her 'sorry' would have been enough, he told her, but it was important that the men knew that she was punished, and thus she'd need to be spanked. He removed the leather belt that held up his sporan and after much chasing, did the deed. I was laughing away as I told the story, as were some of the women, but one woman looked horrified.

'And, you continued to watch?'

She was absolutely aghast.

'Well, yes.' (I wanted to say, 'I was transfixed'.)

Then, she turned on me.

'Oh, so you like a bit of the rough stuff, do you?'

For a moment, our eyes met, and I considered for a split second answering her by telling her the truth. However, I chose to do what I nearly always do when met with rudeness, I just remained silent. The group quickly moved on, as if it hadn't happened.

It has to be said, I'm not fond of being punished, but, yes, it has happened, in various ways. Whilst I am not fond of it, in fact deplore it, I do recognize it as part of the dynamic. It's tricky. The moment one feels unfairly treated (as did Claire) the heckles go up, but at the same time it's hard to feel bedded down in the dynamic without clarification of expectations.

There are a variety of factors that make for a situation where the natural flow of energy between two people is less at certain times. For one thing, we can't always operate at top gear. We would be sapped of energy, the energy that comes from within us and that is our engine; distracted from other important elements of our lives.

Yet, in a union where there is a natural dominant personality and a natural submissive personality, and where one needs the other in order to have an exchange or flow of energy, it never dies out completely. There is always an ember that can ignite. This knowledge is very important to me. It is what keeps me feeling safe and wrapped in affection; youthful and able to live a passionate life. It is what reminds me that I'm in this power exchange relationship for the long haul.

Being a burden

It really isn't new at all, but I am starting to become especially conscious of the fact that my mood and feelings of contentment within myself relate to whether I feel contained enough. I think that certain daily rituals, whatever they may be, come to have significance for us, and although at times it can seem dull to do the same ole things day after day, the simple fact is that without doing them, something erodes.

It is not easy for me it seems to be able to communicate satisfactorily that I need more of a feeling of dominance in my life. There are complicated reasons for this and there is no one reason, but I think I learned very early in my life, and I feel that even at this stage that it is required of me, that I be as independent as I possibly can. I go about this independence as well as I possibly can until I become unglued. This can take the form of becoming low in mood, not myself, or it can mean that I say something rash or do something rash. Either way, it's a consequence of the independence. I am someone who needs to relate to the leader.

Watching The Duke of Burgundy recently I felt deeply for the submissive who craved tight control. She was lost in her own need and her poor lover, doomed to work overtime providing her with the sort of submissive experiences she longed for, was left wondering if she was good enough; if she was loved at all. It's not easy wanting your submissive lover in your bed at night when she wants to be put in a wooden chest and told she'll not come out until the other says so.

In my experience, when I am offered the experience of feeling controlled and connected (because for me they are completely entwined) I am so much softer and sweeter; more mellow and content. I radiate those feelings of love and satisfaction, I hope, but I do wonder if those internal feelings are enough for the dominant partner.

I've not been particularly encouraged to ask those questions which would suggest I am deeply interested in the dominant partner's state of mind. Instinctively I know, or I think I do, when it is appropriate to expect their focus and attention to shine down on me.  This is my attention on them, or I thought it was, to be aware that they are pre-occupied or low on energy for the exchange. This is why I return to my independent stance at times, not at all a comfortable place for me to navigate, but one I feel I must traverse for fear of being a burden, my greatest of all fears.

Double, double toil and trouble

I'm late to 'The House of Cards' party but I can now say that I have watched all three seasons quite obsessively. There was one night when my husband and I watched three episodes back to back and when Claire walked out on Francis (or at least that is what she said) my husband spoke of her not as a character but as a living, breathing person, appalled at her quest to gain control.

There's no denying that she couldn't possibly have done something more dramatic than to withdraw her services at that particular moment of Francis's career, but here's the thing that also absolutely can't be denied. Francis had to pay for that absurd little spectacle he put on for Claire the night before (at the end of Season 3), telling her to smile and look happy and he didn't care if she vomited in her own time. Was he really expecting Claire to report for duty the next day as if he hadn't said something so despicable? That is simply not the Claire he knows.

Of course, I began to think, to research, to dwell on these characters and it suddenly became clear that we were indeed talking about characters very similar to those in Macbeth. A really good script writer will give you little clues along the way, moments when your mind registers something as unusual, and I sensed that the way that Claire was using her hands in the first two seasons meant something significant.  It was quietly 'witch' like.('double, double toil and trouble')

Claire was urging Francis on constantly, not asking questions about people in their lives who just happened to fall foul to life's circumstances; fixated on power and prestige. Clearly, only Francis could give her those things. Only Francis understood how she ticked. Remember the line in Season 3 which went something like this: 'If you are doubting yourself, I can't indulge that'? He can't talk to Claire and that leads him to church, although that does him no good either.

It's a 'Lady Macbeth' meltdown, Claire leaving Francis. I don't think there is any doubt about that, and this leads Francis,  it would seem, to play out his dirty work in Season 4 alone, with the assistance of Doug, who coldly murdered Rachel, the love of his life, of course.

It's fascinating to realize that sex plays very little part in their lives. When Francis as President has a mini meltdown himself Claire revives him with sex, but it seems a means to an end, don't you think? She needs him functional. And, his sex with Zoe the reporter; that was quite sickening. When she asks what he gets out of it, he is happy to say it is power. Sex for him is about power and control.

It's with Adam in New York that we see a more sensual side of Claire, but even this sensuality was obtained as a response to Francis denying her something, or saying something out of turn. Knowing this about her, it was quite daft to egg her on the way he did with the 'vomit on your own time' comment. He had more than enough evidence to suggest that he should be proud of her and scared of her. How profound to see this character, with such a dark side, responding so naturally and lightly to the school children as she reads to them. Or, how tender is the moment when Claire, Francis and the chauffeur become a three some! Can we take anyone at face value?

At times I have thought the Claire character so immensely satisfying to follow because she is unpredictable, but is she that unpredictable really? She has made herself quite clear. She wants to be an equal with Francis in spite of the fact that, as he points out, there is only one chair in the Oval Office. She wants her own power, to be gainfully employed, even if that means she is not the best person to do the job. She wants Francis' ear, and for them to make decisions together.

She doesn't want people to look at her as a beautiful woman only; to have to smile when she isn't happy, as her mother insisted she do, although she has been doing this for Francis all his adult life. Co-dependency with Francis was fine until co-dependency in the White House format no longer worked for her. It worked just fine for Francis (well, he wished that Claire was less cold towards him...) but it didn't work for Claire at all.

In power exchange relationships co-dependency needs to work for both (all) people. If there is one who gives much more often and one who takes much more often, best to check in from time to time   and ensure that that arrangement is still working for everyone involved. Reality dictates that we do alter and change over time and there is no reason why adjustments cannot be made within a relationship to suit those changes, provided both partners are clear as to their needs.

There is a certain slight tension between a couple I think; a hopefully healthy and erotic tension; a tension that has one partner checking the tension on the rope that binds them, perhaps asking for a little slack, or a little tighter pull; perhaps checking that the other is still holding on firmly and that balance is maintained. What you don't want to occur is that one lets go of the rope entirely as Claire appears to have done. That's the sort of outcome the witches prophesized when they told Macbeth he was destined to be King; when he became so 'bloody minded' in his pursuits; the sort of outcome that spelled out the demise of both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.

Perspective

Several years ago, my husband suffered a series of misfortunes where people he knew and trusted deceived him and other associates. Ruthless men navigate the space in which he works, unfortunately. The last deception and double-crossing behavior that occurred meant that he was left financially exposed.

For most people, it would have been too much and something would have needed to be sold, perhaps the family house. It's no co-incidence in my mind that he became very unwell towards the end of the fiasco. He was dealing with overwhelming distress, disgust, disappointment and despair as to what this greedy pair of multi-millionaires had done to honest, hard-working people, including himself.

Our personal agreement some years before this, right about the time that I came to him and exposed my kinky self, was that he'd handle the money side of our lives entirely himself. He wanted full responsibility, it's true, but he also felt that it allowed me to focus on the family, on fun, on our new and evolving kinky agreement. It felt right to me too. It's a little more complicated than that, in fact, but it's all that is necessary to say in light of the point of the post.

Of course, we hoped that the situation would resolve itself as soon as possible, but it didn't work out that way. It is still to be resolved, and whilst we can't know when it will be resolved, we believe that it will happen one day in the relatively near future.

My husband did (and does) his best to create stability for me and for the family. In some measure, life has gone on as usual. We didn't move house, the children remained at their schools and universities and whilst our plans for the future had to be put on hold, life is fundamentally the same, or, similar.

Where life changed is that my husband works around the clock to ensure that "the ships stays afloat". He doesn't like to talk about financial details. In fact, I am not allowed to know the details. He gives me a broad brush idea when I ask, a few general sentences, but no more than that.

In some ways this black curtain over the situation troubles me (perhaps I imagine it to be worse than it is?) but on the other hand it does allow me to switch off from the worry in large measure and to enjoy other aspects of life. My husband has said on a number of occasions that I didn't get us into this jam and I don't need to be in the trenches fighting back. In fact, he insists that I don't do that.

When he works and worries too incessantly I tend to make two suggestions. First of all, I suggest we sell the house. 'We don't need to be here anymore in this suburb and we don't need this big house. We could sell it, pay off the debt and your worry would be gone.' But, he's not inclined to this outcome. He wants to fix the problem, and stay right where we are. He's a stubborn sort of a guy and that's what he wants.

Secondly, I suggest that we be happy. 'The miserable pair of nasty bastards would be thrilled for us to be unhappy, so let's be happy and win the game!' But, that's a female thing to say, I know, and my husband knows that winning means staying financially afloat. To win, he must, to his mind, remain financially vigilant, everpresent. To this end, every day he works hard and long to achieve this end. 'But, we can't wait for everything to be in place to be happy,' I suggest. He says he understands but the responsibility remains.  The world rests squarely on his shoulders.

Meanwhile, the lovely power exchange relationship that we shared is severely under threat. You can't put time into controlling your girl and providing wonderful containing experiences for her, or monitoring her, or surprising her with some lovely and nasty experience when you feel forced to steer the ship through massive storms. You don't make love, or feel much desire, or tie up your wife and beat her, when you have a ship to keep in one piece as it rides the gail force winds. The Captain must remain at the wheel.

As it turns out, one year led to two, to three, to four, and a wife can get pretty lonesome, pretty frustrated. 'Let's get out of the house,' I suggested this evening. 'Let's get a curry down at the Japanese restaurant. I can't even cook for the price they charge.'

We sat side by side on stools, but his mind was a hundred miles away. I wondered how I could reach him, what I could say. As we walked back to the car, I said, 'Won't it be wonderful when this is all over and you don't need to worry.' 'Oh God', he replied, 'I live for that day.' He is a profoundly well-meaning, honest, hard-working man, good man; a man devoted to his extended family, our family; to me.

It's been a very hard, painful road, but I have to believe that one day it will be over; that he will return to me, body and soul. We'll be relaxed, return to the kinky, fun and fulfilling relationship that we began 10 years ago and life will be sweet again.

Love, the strength and tenacity of our love, will win the day. Laughter will reign in this house. And if there is a God, retribution will come, in one way or another, to those who walk over the innocent and good people of this world.

Decision making

Movies like 'Inception' or 'Big Eyes' consider the ethical considerations of mind control. In 'Inception' Don Cobb has the rare ability to invade people's dreams and steal secrets from their subconscious. In 'Big Eyes' we see Walter Keane convince his wife that he should claim credit for her paintings. He was the one with the talent for marketing and sales, he told her, and without him they'd not be sold at all.

Margaret is initially horrifed when she learns that her new husband has been deceiving people in this way. However, one deception quickly leads to another and before she knows it she is immersed in the deception herself. It seems she has no way out, until one day years later, and having fled from his clutches to Hawaii, she announces in a radio interview that she is the artist of all the paintings. Narcissistically driven, he keeps up the pretense until it is categorically proven that he is a liar who has used Margaret for his own advancement.

A particularly poignant scene in 'Big Eyes' is when Margaret, almost driven to distraction with the pretense, enters a church confession box for the first time in her life and confesses that she has lied to her daughter. The priest suggests that she was brought up a Methodist, her husband thus is the 'head of the household' and perhaps she should do as he says. The priest isn't aware of the details of her life, but desperate for answers, this advice keeps Margaret living the lie for considerable time thereafter.

I think in life we have two compasses that guide us. First, there are constructs, constructs like 'the man is head of the household' and then there is the gut, the little voice inside our head; that 'click' when we say to ourselves 'that doesn't feel right'.

Since constructs are devised by other people, not necessarily for our own benefit, I endeavor to rely on my instincts. As a woman that often enjoys the passenger seat the construct of having the other make the decisions can be very comfortable for me. However, as someone who isn't that far off having walked this earth for 60 years I can say that it is my 'gut' which has been the most reliable indicator and judge of what is right for me and those I love.

We are all capable of getting swept up in emotional states, in listening to advice that may be given with the best intentions, or not, with doing what someone else thinks is the 'right' thing. I've been there myself several times in my life. In good time, I come back to the core, with what *I* believe is the right thing; my moral compass; my sense of the fitness of things.

It is for this reason that I take a step away from the 'power exchange' nature of this web journal. I'll still leave my thoughts here when it feels right but I have lost a little faith in relinquishing my mind to another. Some people refer to it as retrieving 'personal power'. I don't particularly want to categorize it in this way. I think I just want to say that I've returned to myself as the best architect for the creation of my life. I'll do what I know is best. No one can ask for more than that.

Ms. Bronte and her power

In Year 9 at school my English teacher was an intimidating, learned, snobbish English woman with grey hair tied up in a French roll. She wore her black flowing academic cape at all times and, being tall and lean, she looked down on us with what appeared to me to be considerable disdain.

The first thing she asked us to do at the beginning of that year with her was to write down the books that we had been reading in the past few months.

'The titles will tell me something important about each of you.'

I understood what she meant. She was sorting us into categories - those worthy of her great intellect and those destined to disinterest her; those who would go on to study English Literature and those who would not.


I wondered what she would make of me. I had been reading Jane Eyre, yet again, Wuthering Heights, of course, and short stories from Reader's Digest, mostly romance stories, as I recall. It was so obvious from my list that I was a hopeless romantic, deeply entrenched in reading stories of gripping intensity about love.

I was a sucker for Mr Rochester. His aloofness and apparent disinterest in the orphan Jane Eyre didn't put me off a bit. I somehow understood at the cellular level that he loved her, although his words made it difficult to really know that on an intellectual level. Indeed, the love for her had to be felt. I could watch the closing scene of the film endless times, the discreet way that these feelings were portrayed by each other for one another. There's not a doubt that the story affected the rest of my life and that in some way I looked to create for myself this sort of scenario which I saw as a very deep and desirable love to have and to receive.

Sometimes, I return to novels such as Portrait of a Lady, an old favourite. I'm particularly partial to Chekhov's short story Lady with the Dog. I'll happily read more current novels where love is a focus, Burial Rites, The Marriage Plot, The Interestings. Michael Faudet's collect of poetry Dirty Pretty Things is tantalising.

One of my earliest 'power exchange' type fantasies (although I had no idea of the concept in a formal sense) was that I worked as an assistant to a English Department Professor. He would ask me to do research for his papers and lectures. He was fond of me, impressed with me, secretly wondered how he would do without me, but he expressed none of these thoughts openly. It was up to me to know of his feelings towards me without any words being said.

'Good work', was the best I could expect, and a sharp reprimand for work not fully fleshed out was inevitable if I didn't turn over every stone on his behalf.

I revelled in this fantasy for years and years, just so comfortable in being the helpmate to a sophisticated, educated, able, older man.

From where might I have got such an idea...?

Such is the power of the remarkably well told story. Ah, Ms Charlotte Bronte, if you only knew what power you have held over me!

Soul mates

I've a tendency to view my submissive response as part of my desire for peace and serenity in my life.  Whether I am feeling dominance in a physical sense, or whether I am able to sink deep into a meditative trance I am blessed with an arresting of my overactive mind.

It becomes obvious when I am in need of one form of 'therapy' or another. Two Saturdays ago my husband performed a wonderful therapy session for me, providing me with a range of sensations that left me feeling 'objectified', cared for and closely connected to him. I like to feel some physical force, to be in no doubt that he is in control of me and what happens next. This enables me to give into his animalistic desires and to experience a floating feeling. The more he tells me that I am just a sexual object for his 'use', that I'm to do as told, that my holes need to be filled, stretched, fucked, plundered, the better.

Sex is a marvellous therapy but it certainly isn't the only therapy I use. I am blessed to be part of a group where one woman plays her crystal bowls for us for over an hour once every month, and this experience I consider sacred. She focused last time on the bowl that is symbolic of the heart - said that the group dynamic and energy led her back to it again and again - and I knew this instinctively during the meditation because I could feel my heart opening up and a huge wave of empathic feeling wash over me. When I first started going to the group about a year ago I was a little uncomfortable that everybody hugged me, but now I look for my hugs. They are very evolved people, especially the woman leading the group and I draw energy from them. Perhaps they draw energy from me too. I don't really know.

Today, I just knew when I woke that I needed to go to my Tuesday noon meditation group and sit with myself. I rushed through my tasks this morning so that I could get there and sit on my cushion amidst like-minded people. I'd read several days ago now that going to that meditative dark hole that we attempt to reach is like death and thus we should not fear death. The thought resonated with me and I have been using it ever since, finding great solace away from the noise and complexity of my life in that dark, death-like state. The meditation today was one of the best experiences I have had there for a long time, helped, I am sure, by a cooler day. I've passed out before in summer in a small, closed room of meditating people and it is not a fun experience.

I am firmly convinced that we see the world through our eyes and our eyes see according to what we feel inside. If we are unsettled we pick up on the flaws and difficulties and when we are settled we see the flaws and difficulties but they don't seem nearly as important or as close up.  We know we have the strength and resolve to deal with them quietly and calmly.

I've found it to be critical that I speak to or be in places silently with like minded people; people resolute in finding peace in their lives. It has been this way in the D/s/power exchange arena as well. I choose gentle people. One or two of them along the way have been sadists but that doesn't mean that they aren't gentle folk. I adore the feeling of being cared for. In those moments, in play or just thinking about them alone with my thoughts, I get a great welling of love in my soul which feels exactly like a soul to soul exchange. I think there are several pathways to a kind of heaven on earth. It could be riding a bike for 20 miles for some people for all I know. You just have to find the right one for you.

The first step

There are advantages to being more 'aware' of the emotions within and encircling a person. As awareness grows so too does the ability to analyze what is going on in a logical way. Less than a week ago I asked my husband if he would be prepared to take some steps to make our marriage more of a formal power exchange dynamic. I saw this as a very positive first step to a potentially wonderful future together.

Whilst we don't have the perfect life in his eyes, since he hasn't experienced the level of financial success he would have liked to achieve by now, we have a good life, live in a great country and have a wonderful, close family. The setting and stage of our lives seemed right for taking this step towards a closer and more fulfilling personal relationship that I hoped would set us up nicely to be happy in an ongoing and everpresent way.

I wrote to him about this matter and I did it via email. To date, there is no response. These plans were put into action at a time when the future seemed so promising. He was relaxed having been on vacation at our holiday house. Although our time together wasn't as personally fulfilling as it could have been from my perspective since we were often surrounded by children in a house where noise travels, I was filled with hope.

We've been back in the city  only a few short days and the rot has set in. He has had several explosions of his emotions, unable to contain his distress and anxiety related to several issues that either spun out of his control or that frustrated him. He's been rude, a reaction to his internal distress at external factors, and although he usually offers an apology, it's distressing to me.

There is not a doubt in my mind that he would benefit by seeing a psychologist who could use some cognitive behaviour techniques to help him deal with this perturbation. I'd love to see him get some relief from these distressing feelings that he experiences, but also so that we can have a more mutually respectful and anxious-free environment at home, from where he mostly works.

I know to take care of myself in various ways, such as to find a quiet place in the house, or to leave the house and settle my own internal upset. But, this issue has been a constant throughout the marriage, only altering in intensity as befits his own internal stresses and the external environment; in other words, how life goes for him from minute to minute. 

I can train myself to be the perfectly submissive wife, to handle my own anxiety privately and to show him due care and consideration, but this does nothing in providing him with strategies to cope with his own anxiety. As his wife I am in no position to help him here. He needs a professional for that task, but unfortunately has resisted all my pleas over several years. He's a proud man, a stubborn man and he is in denial.

Since writing the letter the idea of a more formal and established power exchange dynamic with him seems less do-able and, frankly, less attractive. I don't think that you can have a power exchange dynamic with a person who assumes the dominant role but who exhibits anxiety quite regularly.  Can you? The anxiety ridden person is so preoccupied with his own distress, what has he left to offer his submissive? Of course, some dominants find playing with their submissive an instant remedy for anxious feelings, but unfortunately my husband is not one of them. He tends to want to brood over his concerns.

I think the first step has to be to fix the anxiety; for him to learn strategies as to how to soothe himself. If the anxiety can come under control he is better placed to live his life - his business life - in a state of control and positivism which can then allow him to take on the power dynamic with me formally, in a way that is achievable. In a state of high anxiety I don't think we can really make progression in achieving the kind of relationship that I seek.

Happiness

Although so many of us live in abundance when compared with previous generations research suggests that this abundance has not meant that we are happier. This phenomenon has been researched in depth now and the findings are worth our attention.

It seems that about half of our state of happiness or unhappiness is 'set' or pre-wired. We have a set point of a state of happiness that we tend to return to, regardless of what happens in our lives, good or bad. So, the 'happy go lucky' personality or the 'depressive' personality is relatively stable from birth. What actually happens to us, our life circumstances, make up about 10% of the happiness quotient and the other 40% of the reasons for our  happiness quotient is under our control. In fact, happiness can be learned, just as we might learn to play a musical instrument.

Gratitude for what we have makes up  an important element of a sense of happiness, thinking about what we have rather than giving too much thought to what we don't have. This is a particularly fruitful thought since the difference in the possible happiness quotient between a person who earns $50,000 and a person who has $50 million is not significant. Being generous of spirit, according to the best research, is a more significant indicator of feeling happy.

In my late 50s now it has slowly become obvious to me that beauty isn't a particularly strong indicator of feeling happiness. As we grow older and less value is put on external appearances we see so many examples of people who are content within themselves. A documentary on happiness that I saw over the Christmas break told the story of a beautiful American woman, a mother of three children in a good marriage who lost her beauty in an horrific accident. She explained that she is happier now, more settled and at peace than she ever was before the accident.

Of course, she went through a nightmarish time, nearly died and had to endure endless procedures to her face, but her new partner (the husband divorced her) tells her how beautiful she is now and together they lead a very peaceful, spiritual life. In writing this I am reminded of the man in the documentary that made the point that there is no pleasure without pain, and it is worth remembering that sometimes we have to experience the darkness if we want to reach the light.

Of course, it is harder to age peacefully and contentedly if one is not well and there is no denying that good health plays into a sense of happiness. Studies of Okinawans and the Denmark model demonstrate that there are factors within our control and to which we should heed. Eating lightly and  healthily, getting enough sleep, staying connected with people, family structures, a good health care and government supported educational system can all play into a sense of fulfilment, peace and happiness.

Personally, I get a huge boost to my happiness when I am living as I was meant to live, in a way that is right for me. There is no doubting that I do best with an authority figure in my life and in the past few days, as I have been driving along country roads on my own I've given thought to this fact. When there is a clear authority figure in my life, someone to whom I am accountable, my flow of emotions is much more smooth and regulated. I guess you could say that with a clear authority figure in my life I am much more happy.

Yes, when and if I am disciplined, that's a time when I might 'buck up' but I'm not less happy really. I'm just mad in the moment that I behaved in a way that means that the discipline is necessary. I'm no less happy with the arrangement, once I work through my energetic emotions. In essence my energetic emotions are bashing up against the this very strong immovable 'wall' and this keeps me centred and content.

Of course, there are times when I need to be that 'wall' as well, to allow my husband's emotions to wash over me and for them to be cleansed with my understanding of his distress. Just before I left on a sojourn he was bothered by a little exchange of words with someone at the gas station (petrol station here) and I listened and then quietly said, "don't let it upset your day, just let it go". This is a very normal and regular part of my life, but I'm very grateful for the times when he steps up to be my authority figure. I feel a tremendous sense of peace and tranquillity in my soul when I can share this dynamic, as I have with my mentor for a number of years now.

As trite as it sounds, happiness comes into your life if you want it enough. It's a decision one makes, I believe, to be more happy. It's a wonderfully democratic concept, anti-consumerist in principle, that we can all be happy regardless of wealth, the circumstances of our lives or our physical presence. I get the sense that the world is becoming ready to hear this message and that we are starting to move away from the thought that possessions can make us happy. It's a good thing.

Secretary, revisited

My husband and I were sitting on the couch last night, me draped over his body as he allows me to do, when the movie Secretary came on. Since we knew the story very well it allowed for a different kind of viewing this time and my husband mentioned several times how extraordinarily well Spader and Gyllenhaul play out the dynamic, whilst I made mention of what a great screen play it is. Every scene drives the story onward and reveals more about what the characters want and what holds them back.

There are countless examples of the way the dynamic works for both of them but what jumps to my mind first is the scene encompassing the telephone answering lesson and the way Spader leads up to the difficult conversation topic of Miss Halloway's habit of cutting herself when under anxiety. Her first walk home after work after being given permission to breathe in fresh air with the full knowledge that she will 'never again' cut herself, exemplifies all that is great in the dynamic between a dominant and a submissive - the positive effect the dominant can have over his submissive's life.

For a time Miss Halloway only wants to please. Her typing mistakes are just that, until he stops playing with her and then she is more manipulative. She's so keen to feel his control and to be 'punished' that she lets the odd mistake go, in the full knowledge that he'll notice. Goodness. I would never do such a thing!

I admit I respond viscerally to the masturbation scenes since I know that it is critical to have in my mind thoughts that arouse, such as being given an instruction and knowing that however odd it might be, I am going to obey. She was told to eat four peas and so she did, and what a huge turn on that was for her. Only a truly submissive mind can understand how we really live for these moments of tight control and how they elevate us to a new dimension of life.

When such a dynamic is well in place disobedience is really something of a nightmare for both parties. To have an instruction refused must be deeply unsettling for the dominant, but I think it is important to understand that even whilst a submissive is creating havoc with her ministrations that she can't or won't do a task, she's suffering as well. It goes against every bone in the body to refuse to comply with an order and speaks to a very unsettled state of mind. It seems right to insist on obedience, the fastest way probably to restore good order,  but at the same time the decision to not comply needs to be more than noted. What led her to speak the unspeakable?

In Secretary there was no spanking, no telling off, that could interfere with the deep connection they had formed. She thrived on his control and suffered when he withdrew it. He doubted that they could do 'this' 24 hours a day but her only response to that was 'why not?' And, why not indeed? Together, they demonstrated what it is to love and live in their own way. It made us both smile. It reminded my husband that what I want is really very tender, sweet and most heartfelt.

Peace

At first, my inexhaustible interest in issues of submission was solely about arousal. My mind processed it all as desirable, erotic and pleasurable. Certainly, these feelings remain intact. However, I can feel something shifting within me; transforming the way I live my life; the way I live my internal life too.

Spirituality is a big part of my submissive response. There's a broader thrust to this for me than sexuality or even being true to my (submissive) nature. I was looking for peace in whatever guise that took. What I came to understand was that I need to let go of the I'. It was the 'I' that had a hold of me, locking me into a cycle of emotions that were often uncomfortable. It was the 'I' that made me feel that my thoughts were okay; that they were a part of 'me'.

Bit by bit, via my own readings and efforts such as meditation I was opening up to the notions expressed by people such as Eckhart Tolle. I was not the voice I was hearing inside my head - the voice making up stories, offering interpretations; expressing displeasure; the voice that seemed to gyrate from positive to negative emotional response within seconds at times. 'I' was the awareness of the voice. It's that simple. I became aware. In becoming aware of who I really am, I settled in every way.

This awareness opened doors for me. I came to see what was happening concerning my submissive desires. I very much wanted to obey. I very much wanted to please. I very much wanted to feel a close connection and that connection comes when I have this consistent awareness of my 'awareness'. I am the listener of the 'stories'. It is someone or something else writing them. I merely listen.

I think I can trace interest in spirituality to my early days. My grandmother was Catholic and would tell me of the rosary and other religious ideas. I loved being in churches from an early age and I appreciated rituals. I continue to be drawn to sacred places and rituals. Obedience to a higher authority, moral codes - these notions seem natural to me.

Obedience in a power exchange way didn't make complete sense to me nor was a natural fit all of the time until I let go of this idea of self I had - that my thoughts were me. It created space to settle into the concept of a power exchange with a great degree of comfort. I've a place, a status, a position within the exchange - with both members doing what they do best, supporting one another with their strengths; their natural predispositions. The exchange provides peace. That's why I could never let it go. That's why it's like a drug; something I simply cannot give up. To submit = my peace.

There's a quite natural connection between submission to a partner and the submission of a woman or man to God, I think. I've been reading of women who become nuns and how they live their lives these days and there is that same head 'space' - that same ability to notice; to stop and pause; to be in this one moment right now.

Of course, many women will be submissive to a dominant and not have a clue what I am talking about. Dominants will take charge of a submissive without the vaguest sense of their role in bringing a sense of peace to the submissive. That's okay. We don't all seek the same things. I sought peace. Lucky me to have been guided back to me; that place where peace dwells; eternally fortunate indeed; heaven sent.