Showing posts with label humiliation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humiliation. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Pleasure bound



One of the little disappointments of my life over the past few months is that I would like to have been bound more. No matter how uncomfortable I feel when I am bound, it feels good.

I love the entire process of being bound except perhaps the very last stage. I love watching him handle the rope; watching his hands as he manipulates it to be the right length for the job. I love watching his face as he moves my body to the position he wants it. I love the moments where I stay completely still as I am bound tighter; less able to move at all.

One of my very favourite days was some time ago shortly after he had bought a very long rope. The length of the rope called for only one thing; for him to horizontally wind it around my torso until I was almost lost in the rope. Think Olive Oil and you will be on the right track. The photos don’t lie. I looked like I had gone to heaven.

More recently, over this summer he had me take off my clothes and bend over the edge of the bed on my knees at the holiday house; just a regular height, that bed. He put the palms of my hands together behind my back and then he tied me at the wrists. It was uncomfortable but it felt good.

I feel certain I had mentioned to him several times that I hurt a muscle in my arm in a power bar class that is still healing but he obviously forgot that fact and I didn’t want to remind him. So, the binding of my arms was particularly uncomfortable and yet it felt terrific.

Next he tied rope around my throat, tight enough that when he pulled on it a little at the back I was slightly panicked. I like that feel a lot. Next, he tied some rope between my rope collar and the rope around my wrists that forced my head back. Then, he left me to stew. F a b u l o u s! Maybe fifteen minutes later, he kneeled behind me and had his way. This was seriously uncomfortable but only heightened the pleasure for me.

Eventually, a girl must be undone and this is a two edged sword for me. I want the relief but I also wonder if I could have stayed bound a little longer. I remember this thought as a young child. I would be terribly uncomfortable; perhaps desperately hot. I would secretly wonder how long until some merciful moment would allow me to be cool again. Then, it would happen; perhaps a cool change in the weather, or getting into an air conditioned car. I would feel a huge sense of relief but also a bit of disappointment. Perhaps I might have managed to go a few minutes more in my discomfort. Even as a child, I thought this a very perverse thought.

Whilst I struggle to put into words what I love about being bound I can say this: that I love to be physically contained, to lose any and all control, to be the focus of attention and to feel the energy pass between my husband and myself. I thrive on this sort of humiliation; of being reduced, captured and caught. I suspect time spent in a cage would be absolutely thrilling. (I had a tumblr pikki of a girl in a cage but the above pikki won by a hair’s breath.)

It is almost time to go to bed and if my husband were to come and tie me tight – wrists and ankles and a rope between those two – I would sleep like a baby. Such is the stuff of dreams!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Training School - chapter 2

Nicholas opened the door to the study. He left her suitcase outside the door. There were some lovely landscapes on the walls, a large oak desk and some comfortable upholstered chairs. Although there was complete order in what she saw Lucille’s first impression was one of comfort and old wealth. The carpet may have been showing signs of age, yet it looked perfectly at home in this room.

“Please have a seat,” Nicholas offered as he gestured towards a small group of chairs. Two chairs were upholstered in a crème linen and two in an olive green leather, positioned around a coffee table at one end of the room; the opposite end of the room to his desk with two straight back chairs in front of it.

Lucille sat down in one of the leather covered chairs.

“May I offer you a drink? We will be having lunch shortly but perhaps a mineral water?”

He went to the phone on his desk, an old fashioned one where you picked up the receiver and pressed a button on the phone and he asked someone on the other end for two mineral waters to be brought to the study.

Although he hadn’t waited for her response, she thought it best to act as if he had.

“Thank you...Nicholas. I’m sorry. William has only referred to you by your first name.”

“Does that make you uncomfortable?”

“Well, I call William, William, unless of course the situation calls for some more formality, when I may call him Sir, if that feels right.”

Nicholas considered that and silence hung between them for a few seconds.

“You mean, when you are being corrected?”

The use of the word gave Lucille a little buzz. She was a little embarrassed and surprised at his directness. She smiled, although she didn’t mean to.

“Yes. Then.”

Lucille watched Nicholas closely and she enjoyed watching him as his mind seemed to be turning things over; considering what Lucille said. Although a good ten years older than her, he still had a youthful air about him; a full head of thick brown hair, watery blue/green eyes that seemed to watch her like a hawk and a lean but well muscled physique. She thought him ruggedly handsome.

Yet, Lucille suspected that underneath that old world charm of his was a determination to have his way at any cost. It was something about the sense of order here and the way he carried himself. Although he was dressed casually, as if he had been doing physical work earlier, he looked very clean and put together. There was an aura of restraint and control that left Lucille feeling that she best not tangle with him, or be frivolous. When he spoke again it startled her. She had been lost in her thoughts.

“There are three other girls here at this time, beside you. One girl will be arriving shortly but two other girls have been here for almost a week now. They call me ‘Sir’ at all times.”

“I see. Should I address you in that way too...at all times?”

“Yes, that is how you should address me.”

“Yes. Yes, Sir.”

“For now, I shall call you Lucille but that will alter at the appropriate time.”

She did not understand but she nodded as if she did.

The door opened and a refined looking country woman brought in a tray on which was two glasses of mineral water and ice. Nicholas introduced her as “Mrs McNeice, the wonderful woman who provides us with such very fine food”. She cheerily offered a glass to Lucille and then to Nicholas and left the room.

Lucile was pleased to have something in her hands, something to do with her hands. She could feel him watching her, every move she made. She became aware of her nervousness when she brought the glass to her lips and it felt heavy to her and she almost feared that she would spill some. Then, Nicholas asked if she had any questions.

“Well, yes, I do. I have so many questions. I mean, this was all so sudden and I am not entirely sure why I am here or even what to expect.”

“Don’t worry yourself. It will all become evident in good time. It is of no real value for us to talk too much in detail right now. It is best that you experience change rather than talk about it.”

Lucille remained unenlightened. Perhaps a direct question this time...

“Will I meet the other girls soon?”

“Oh yes. Two of them will be at lunch. The other girl, Susan, will arrive this afternoon. I like to have four girls here at a time. I don’t like larger groups than that. Four girls is a good number. They are all in a relatively similar place to you. They are all submissives but with a great deal to learn.”

Lucille took this to mean that she had a great deal to learn. She thought this rather unfair of him since she felt she already knew a lot, but she stayed quiet about it.

“You will all sleep in the same room. We have various daily protocols and it suits the staff and me to manage all girls in the one place. There is a large bathroom off the bed room and I think you will find the bed comfortable.”

Daily protocols? What on earth did that mean? She dared not ask him for fear of his answer – no doubt another statement that would mean nothing to her. She made an effort to lighten the mood as she might with strangers at a party and as well, to provide him with the required sense of formality that he had said he wanted. She giggled a little, somewhat nervously.

“Well, Sir, I doubt I have all that much to wear. William packed for me and heaven knows what he has put in the suitcase, but he did mention that there was a ...dress code here. Are you able to give me some details about that?”

“Oh. He didn’t tell you. Certainly. Our girls here are given suitable clothing to wear. I like all my girls to wear the same sort of thing and the sort of dress that is appropriate for their status and the tasks at hand and the lessons they need to learn. We are aware of your measurements and the size you wear and your clothing has been prepared.

Since the summer is well and truly here now you will mostly wear a cotton dress of dark colour which takes notes of your shape but allows for easy access to you. These dresses will be found hanging in the cupboard next to your bed. There are some activities and tasks that require other clothing be worn. You will find what you need in the dresser and cupboard by your bed. I’m sure William has packed you some brassieres but he will not have packed you any panties. They are not suitable here and he was asked to leave them at home.”

Lucille hoped that her surprise was not registered on her face. Was this really happening to her? Easy access to her? This had to be a dream. She folded one hand in the other and discreetly pinched her skin on one wrist hard. It hurt. No, this was not a dream. Her mind tried to recall exactly what he had said about panties. Although William would sometimes tell her not to wear panties, for the day at home or when they went out to a dinner, she usually did wear them and the thought of not wearing a pair at all whilst she was here was a deeply challenging thought. She wanted to reply to this, to tell him that she would not do that but she fought with her inner turmoil, wrestled it down and simply said, “I see.”

“Girls sleep naked but I like to give girls a reward when they do good work and a pretty negligee is one such reward you may earn. You are welcome to wear a little jewellery of your own choice at most times so long as it is discreet and of good taste. No watches. I asked William to pack some suitable shoes and sandals, all with a heel... and some runners, too. Yes, you will need those. The contents of your suitcase will be unpacked in your area of the bedroom whilst we lunch.”

It was at that moment that Lucille heard the chiming of a gong and Nicholas advised her that this meant that luncheon was served. He stood up and invited her to do so too. He led her towards the dining room, a lovely room with high ceilings and a picture window that looked out to a charming garden with roses and lots of well established camellias. The table was set for four people today but could accommodate eight people easily. When they arrived two girls were already standing behind their chairs, the chairs closest to the window.

“Lucille, allow me to introduce Pammi and Sherri. Pammi, Sherri, this is our new girl, Lucille.”

“Hello,” Lucille said, smiling, hoping to make a good first impression. "I am pleased to meet you.”

They smiled back at her and greeted her. They seemed happy enough.

“Girls, show Lucille how to sit down properly please. Lucille come around here and observe them carefully.”

In unison, Pammi and Sherri (what odd names, she thought) lifted the skirts of their dresses at the back, all the way to their waists to reveal bare bottoms. Using both their hands they parted their cheeks and they then sat down very purposefully and elegantly. Their move was so discreet and done with such assurance that Lucille wondered if her eyes had deceived her. Dear God. They surely did not expect...?

“Now go to that chair, Lucille.”

In shock, she moved to the chair he had indicated.

“Are you wearing panties?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Take them off and give them to me.”

“Here? Now?”

She was getting cross.

“Take them off”.

They were all watching her. She slid her hands up to the waist of her panties and pulled them down. She handed them to Nicholas in a tight ball and he put them in the pocket of his jacket.

“Now, sit down just as the girls did.”

“But...I can’t. I just can’t do that,” she said, totally panicked.

“First lesson, Lucille. Never tell me you can’t do something. If I say that you can do it, then you can do it.”

“But, it is so embarrassing. I...I can’t.”

She put her hands over her face. This was too awful. How could William do this to her!

Nicholas seemed unmoved. His voice was implacable. He offered her no reprieve.

“Lucille, look at me.”

She took her hands away from her face and looked directly at him. She knew to do that much.

“There is nothing the slightest bit difficult about what you have been asked to do. Simply follow the directive you have been given. Raise your skirt.”

She kept looking at him but she remained frozen.

His voice rose. “Do it!”

There was no way out. She raised her skirt as the other girls had.

“Now, simply place your hands on your lower buttocks and part your cheeks and sit down.”

She wanted to die. She closed her eyes and did as instructed, but it was rather clumsily executed and her facial cheeks were now bright red.

“Good girl. We shall teach you how to do this discreetly. It is an art form and you must not worry about it. It was a good first effort. Now let’s enjoy our lunch.”

Her suspicions about him were right. It was clear to her now that Nicholas was a man who would brook no disobedience from her. His charm and manners belied his true nature. She now saw him as the disciplinarian that he clearly was. It was an affront to her sensibilities and yet she could not deny that her stomach was swirling in extraordinary ways. She was very wet and more aroused than she had known it was possible to be.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Feelings

Controversially, my husband has noted on several occasions that the biggest difficulty with dealing with young women out there in the workforce at this time is their feelings. He might call the bank to have an issue corrected only to find that the conversation has launched from the facts of the matter to the girl at the bank's feelings. My husband has not agreed with her findings, has told her so and somehow they are in the land of her feelings. He's too long in the tooth for this sort of thing now. He just wants the job done and move on. Trust me when I say that he can be an absolutely charming man whom women think adorable but if you use the feelings card with him when he wants something done, he won't have any time for it any more.

He is not alone. His associates complain of this matter and when I asked women at a lunch recently how they felt about this, they all agreed. The young woman today was very inclined to take umbrage at simple expression of insistence that the task be done to the customer's satisfaction. My husband has taken to hanging up the phone only to dial the same company until a man answers. He explains the issue and moments later he hears "Not a problem, Sir. Done." Ah! No mention of feelings!

My feelings has been an issue of contention with us over the years. When my husband is in a go-get-it mood, and he often is, he just wants things done and at times he can be short with me. On my good days, and most of them are good, I snuff it off. I can even enjoy it, in an odd sort of masochistic let's -get-the-girl-going sort of way. (I am not on these pages for nothing!) Occasionally, I get upset and I tell him that my feelings are hurt. Or, I might just snap back which always has him look at me as if to say, 'where did that come from?' I wonder!

In any event, a great deal of effort on my part has gone into getting control of my feelings. It is an exceptionally odd moment that this is ever an issue for me out there in the big wide world. My feelings being out of kilter and destructive to me and loved ones occur in the private domain. I might be upset with my husband's tone or my children's inconsideration. My challenge is to stay calm, and not allow the flood of adrenaline to overtake my brain allowing me to react in an out of control way. My task is to stay in control. It's the task I have given myself.

Whilst I have a pass rate on this task, I don't have a High Distinction and that really bothers me. Instead of waiting for the right moment to say something like, "I'd like to talk to you about..... I am a little confused as to why you said..." I tend to feel extreme agitation inside my body and I tend to make hasty decisions, finding it a virtual necessity to react instantaneously. I read lately that this is why people might eat foods they know they should not when they are upset. They are looking to change how they feel. I too am looking to change how I feel but instead of reaching for a chocolate teddy bear, I launch a Scud missile instead and get a momentary improvement in how I feel.

Of course, it only takes minutes for me to question my action but the deed has been done and of course, I have my "righteous indignation" to keep me warm for quite a while. There are moments of sanity. I sent off an email on Saturday (yeah, it's on my mind) and on Sunday I was wandering about the garden when I thought, 'Did I really write I was "humiliated"? Oh boy, that was over the top!!'

It gets worse. It turns out that it was a total misunderstanding on my part and by Sunday evening, I felt very, very silly. And, shameful. The whole day of upset could easily have been avoided for both parties if I had just taken control of my feelings and thought it through and acted sensibly with the end in mine.

I have read enough blogs of submissive women and know enough submissives to feel that my challenges are not uniquely mine. And, it says something of the value, integrity and warmth of the relationship that even amongst all this hullabaloo over the weekend that we managed to find a little humour in the next exchange and I like to think, brought us a little closer. Yes, some things should never have been said, but then some things were said that cleared the air, too.

I do know from long experience that feelings are not just the domain of the female or the submissive. I can most certainly hurt my husband's feelings and an argument with me can leave him terribly upset. Rupert Murdoch once said that the only person who could make him feel like a fool was Anna (his first wife). It is those we care about who have the ability to upset us the most. Our feelings are most hurt when the person (or people) who provide the most stability for us take the ground from under our feet (or at least, we momentarily think they do).

In essence this returns to what Mary said to me - that a passionate relationship is going to have push and pull. It is not a well received idea in BDSM circles but nonetheless it is true. People who care about one another are meant to challenge one another in some ways, to get the best out of one another and that includes the dominant and the submissive.

This whole emotional mine field of our feelings takes place amidst the formality of the power exchange relationship where one leads and one follows; one feeds and one serves, making feelings a very complicated issue to handle. I think there are just moments when in amongst those roles, the issues related to hurt feelings must be addressed and resolved. The skilled dominant will know how to get the submissive back in line and the true submissive will fall back into line without any further ado. Meanwhile, I stay calm. Of course!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The List

Dear Readers

As some of you may know from my last post, it became necessary for me to write a list of my recent bad behaviour. The list needed to have 25 items. I am sure you will appreciate that this was not an easy task. A good girl must search her heart and mind to come up with such a long list of misbehaviour. At times, I wondered if it was really possible for me to complete the task.
A girl must, however, do what a girl must do. Please find below the requisite list for your contemplation, for you also will have noted that my friend has asked that you, my readers, give some input into suitable consequences.

THE LIST

#1 I did not ask permission of my friend to write up our ‘chat’ on this blog.
#2 I ate the mint that comes with the coffee at the gym.

#3 I thought about touching myself.
#4 I cut my Bar Time (the yoga exercise I do daily) short by one minute.
#5 I forgot to write in my journal and send it to my husband, as I am required to do each evening. I sent it the next morning in the hope that he would not notice the time sent.
#6 I bought a bag of mixed sweets for the children at the market. On the way home, I ate all the ‘milk bottle’ shaped sweets.
#7 I must have drunk too much wine when out with friends listening to music, because I felt seedy the next day, all day.
#8 I bought a few items of clothing in the end of season sales, and promptly put them in my wardrobe where they could not be seen by my husband.
#9 I took my laptop to bed, which I am not supposed to do, because I stay up too late blogging.
#10 I exaggerated slightly when Janus asked if I had been good ALL week, thus accepting false praise.
#1 1 I pretended that I had to go to pick up a child from school, when a friend rang and was talking about people I didn’t know.
#12 The trainer at the gym told me to go and do 100 step ups on each leg. I only did 90 and just said that it was 100.
#13 When my Mum asked why I had not returned her call, I said that the children had not given me the message, when, in fact, they had.
#14 I thought about touching myself, again.
#15 I put up my manuscript on the screen, but very soon, flipped over to ‘Google Reader’ and read there instead.
#16 Due to blogging rather late (it was only just past midnight), I was slow to start the next morning and thus I only just got the children to school on time.
#17 I didn’t mention the ‘soft pedal’ in my car to my husband, (but that is because, I didn’t know what a ‘soft pedal’ was!)
#18 When my husband approached me with a cane in his hand, I said that I didn’t have time for maintenance just yet, when I could probably have fit it into my schedule.
#19 I got slightly frustrated (but didn’t show it) when my husband was not really listening when I was talking to him, and I had to repeat myself.
#20 I took it a little personally when my husband came to bed and just went to sleep almost immediately. (Who does that?)
#21 I didn’t stand on the bathmat to dry myself after my shower, leaving water on the floor in the bathroom. My husband might have mentioned this issue several hundred times before.
#22 My husband was explaining a complicated business issue about a company matter and I was nodding with intent interest. But at the same time, I was thinking a kinky thought.
#23 I had a hubristic thought, that I really was a good girl, for what else could I possibly add to this list?
#24 I thought about making a cup of tea and having a little chocolate with it just now, but I resisted and had a little apple instead. (Or, was that virtuous?)
#25 I had an unkind thought about my ‘chat’ friend, (but, quickly realized, that he was doing this to me for my own good and with noble thoughts, realizing that sometimes doms have to be cruel to be kind.)

I wish to say that I am very, very sorry for acting with impropriety. It was more than reasonable for my (sadistic) friend to expect me to publicly admit the impropriety, and writing the list was a most appropriate consequence for such behaviour. I truly have learned my lesson.

I pass the baton (!) over to you, my dear and compassionate readers, for you will recall my dear friend’s instruction:

“Explain to your audience that you are instructed to turn to them for feedback as proper punishment for those 25 things.”

Oh dear!

Vesta