Looking out and then reaching in

If you want something enough, perhaps for someone to be different to the way they are, there is a little part of your mind that says something like (regardless of how much evolving that has taken place or how much awareness has been gained), 'why can't he or she gain some awareness too', or maybe 'Why can't he or she grow?'

I help out at an elementary school and last week I was working with some children who are progressing at a slower place than the rest of the class. I was trying to show them how to add on 10 to a number, but I found myself frustrated by their ability to distract themselves from the task. There was bickering about turn taking as well as considerable moving about, since we were asked to work on the floor. One girl insisted on trying to do the sums on her own only for me to discover she had all the sums wrong and therefore had not understood the concept. The boy who was very still and right beside me had difficulty locating the starting number let alone understanding the concept of locating the number right below it on the 10 x 10 grid. (59+10 = 69, and what do you know, 69 happens to fall right below 59 on the grid.) I found myself worried for them, for their futures.

It's been on my mind since; how to adapt the small group for it to function better. Honestly, we need a quiet space to ourselves (it's an open plan school which is nothing short of a nightmare for children with learning difficulties) and we need to be sitting in chairs with me on the other side of the table so that I can see what they are all doing. We don't need lap tops or opportunities to go 'splat' on a number using some animated blob on a white screen, or any other new age thing. We just need some big laminated number grids and some colored coins for now  so that we can get this concept honed down. Understanding numbers and getting excited about them, it seems to me, is motivation enough for these children without distracting bibs and bobs that tend to make them think that the bibs and bobs are the point. If I could praise them for a job well done, it would be wonderful, hopefully for them and for me.

Of course, my comments above are the classic trap for someone interacting with someone else. I am wanting them to be different to who they are right now, with the best of intentions, but with a lack of appreciation for the reality of the situation.

If you 'get' something, or if you want something badly, it's tough to be aware of the fact that the other does not get it, or perhaps that they are not willing to give it to you. It's tough to say 'oh well, you know, it's their particular journey that they are on, and maybe it's a rather slow and laborious journey and maybe they'll never make it to the finish line, but that has to be respected. They are in your life because you are learning lessons from them.' They may be good and worthwhile thoughts but that doesn't make it easy.

David liked to keep me grounded. He would say things to me like, 'How long can anyone contemplate their navel?' In other words, he was all for moving forward, for having expectations and for making changes. He didn't hurry me, or other girls; not at all. However, he didn't think I should get too lost in spiritual, or obsessive thought either. Life had taught him lessons and he saw no harm in other people learning their lessons too. He saw no issue with going after what I wanted, with recognition that people often don't co-operate with what we want. He had no issues with my high standards, having high standards himself, and he expected people to rise to be their best selves. If you didn't shine your shoes he wasn't going to look kindly down on you for that. Put it that way.

I get a great deal of comfort from the writings of people who have evolved to a higher consciousness. Greg Corwin, someone I follow on tumblr put up a document with a free download this morning and in it he has written this:

"To surrender is to relax fully, deeply. It is to empty yourself fully. It is to let yourself collapse into your self. It is to expose your rawness, to stand naked amongst the clothed. It is to leave yourself behind. It is a free fall into cradling arms. It is to die and be reborn over and over again until there is less and less of you left,until you are gone." 

As a meditator and a reader of spiritual leaders I relate to these words and they bring me much succor, but I also relate to them from a kinky point of view, for the simple reason that my spirituality and kinkiness find expression in similar and related ways. So, I try with all my might to express my understanding of these words in ways that are available to me, at the same time as I pine for those ways that are rarely available to me.


In spite of the fact that my desires and needs have been expressed many times, expression of my nature is rarely offered to me by the Other. This makes spiritual expression that I can do alone doubly important.

Greg made the point in his little free book that we should go beyond romantic love when we think of Love and think of Love as self generating.

"Go to Love's source in your chest and live in Love. Soften to Love's origin within you and return your wandering mind again and again to that warm, full place and let that Love radiate out and fill all."

Spiritual disciplines provide us with a guide for living a good life. Submissive personalities like myself who stride to be their best selves and to radiate love up there in their higher consciousness spend considerable time developing greater patience; deeper love within themselves for others; tolerance for the Other and others generally. We blame ourselves when things don't go right. If only we had wanted less; expected less.

The truth, however, and I think must be factored into the equation, is that we can emotionally walk over broken glass to make things right for fear that we  didn't do all that we could possibly do; that a saint would have done. It doesn't too often occur to the likes of us that the Other isn't necessarily putting in anywhere close to the same amount of effort; that perhaps we deserve more than we get.

We grow and evolve in life at our own personal rate. Perhaps it is rare that we grow together at the same pace. Perhaps, at the end of the day, we must accept that whilst everything external changes, it is our inner identity that remains the same regardless of the passing years; bliss, peace and silence is abundantly available to those who travel inwards to that core identity. I'm grateful, in the absence of being granted more kinky expression of my identity, to have the skills to return home.

Tolerance

I'm a person who has considerable ability to endure. That's a relative statement, of course. I was saying to my son in the car this morning that I'd have died long before Hugh Glass (The Reverant), right about the time the bear mauled Glass. That I wouldn't have thought to eat a fish live, or the inwards of a bison, or sleep inside the carcass of a horse would be quite immaterial since I'd already be dead. But, relatively speaking, I can endure difficult situations. That my husband has wanted to live in a way that isn't in my comfort zone, well, I endure it. I tolerate it. (Note: Perhaps I should explain that the word 'tolerate' is one of my favourite words lately, in honour of a comedian who did a hilarious routine telling people with food intolerances to "tolerate it".)

Of course, when we hold in frustration, it comes out at the most unexpected moments. We were sitting outside in the gardens of the National Gallery sipping on a coffee when my husband made the statement, 'You don't want to make any decisions about business'. I went quiet. When he tried to engage me in discussion later I said, 'Of course I want a voice, why wouldn't I want a voice? You don't want me to have a voice.' Over the weekend we got into this a bit further, and guess what was the outcome? No change. Like always, no change.

Years ago, I said to my boss one day when he wanted to do something his way as per usual, 'Well why bother expressing an opinion since I don't have a vote.' And he replied, 'No. No. I want to discuss it with you at length. (Pause) And then we'll do it my way.' (Another note: Then, he smirked, loving the fact that he could have this repartee with me without me chuckling a wobbly.)

My eldest son who is up there at the Partner level of his firm made a similar statement to me one day, that he recognizes that people need to have their say, to feel listened to, and once he very respectfully does that listening, he explains that as good as their ideas are, things are going to happen the way he has determined them.

A friend of mine tried, genuinely and empathically, to convince her partner for a more rounded relationship. When the discussions completely faltered, in other words when he made the declaration that he wanted things his way and only his way, she called an end to the relationship, but misses him dearly, and I think from all accounts, he misses her. I imagine there is the possibility that things could be reignited but only if she can accept that nothing will have changed or even can change. He needs to have his way.

I've a close friend who keeps our relationship tightly managed, according to his dictates. Every now and again I freak out and explain that it's too bloody tight for me. Shove over and give me some room, some space, some allowances. But, there must be an insane side of me because as Einstein said, only an insane person does something over and over again and expects a different result.

From time to time I forget about the rigid nature of some individuals and think to myself, 'Surely this is just belligerence, and if I point it out logically and calmly, the other will see that they are being belligerent and bend.' But, this is to forget the rigidity of the rigid personality. They don't change because they can't change. They are who they are: committed to what they want. It is their nature.

Of course, no-one has just one facet to their personality. My eldest son, for example, on so many levels, is a relaxed and carefree individual. I heard him say a few days ago when a brother said he'd enjoyed wearing his jacket that he'd borrowed, 'Keep it.' Possessions aren't that important to him. He's happy to do something impulsively, last minute, if he can, and he can go with the flow in a number of ways. But at work, projects need to be done completely accurately and proficiently, meals need to be interesting and well contrived, girlfriends need to understand his desire for order and efficiency and get ready for the comments if he opens a cupboard here and discovers it is stacked with useless takeaway containers. He needs things to be a certain way and he's never going to change. He's not being churlish, he's just being himself.

I'm not at all unaware of the fact that there are rigid elements of my personality. Sometimes when I am trying to entice my husband to do a project around the house or garden and I don't get any traction I might say, 'If you think I am going to change and be the sort of person that doesn't care about the state of things at home you'll be waiting a very long time.' I am me and some things about me won't ever change. Having said that, is it not the submissively natured people of the world who are most likely to change enough to tolerate the rigidity in the Other? Sure, I blow up, but then I blow off and everything goes back to normal, me in the passanger seat.

I must surely have mentioned that I do Sound Healing Meditations and one time late last year I coughed. Bear in mind that we were laying down flat on the floor and when certain sounds were made with the Tibetan bowls I coughed, choked really. Later, the session convenor spoke to me about it and said that my voice chakra was blocked. I didn't think too much about it but in the last session a couple of weeks ago, it happened again. I mention this because in the two weeks after this I found myself voicing what I had held in; in one case, what I had held in for three years. I found myself saying what I had never properly said before; simply had not been able to find the words to stand up for myself.

Whilst it is remarkably onerous, futile really, to alter the dynamic of an exchange between certain people, finding one's voice is a whole other matter.  I wasn't asking, in that case particularly, for a change in the dynamic but I was stating absolutely categorically what was not on the table. I hadn't expressed my boundaries until then; hadn't spoken of what I had found to be utterly unacceptable. I'd just tried and tried to make it work, even though I knew it never would. And, why was that? Because what I was being asked to do was something that went against my personality, my sense of the fitness of things; my understanding of the role I play in this world; what I can do and what I can't. Because the dynamic worked I figured that I didn't have a voice; could not have a limit.

Of course, people have limits that are negotiated every day. But, dolls don't and in that particular dynamic I was 'the doll'. I can't begin to explain how vulnerable I am in that role. I enter that persona much as Leonardo became Hugh Glass - completely and persuasively. Do objects, dolls, fucktoyz have opinions, limits, boundaries? How could they when they don't even compute those big words!

It's captivating play: freeing, uplifting, mesmorizing, addictive; joyful. I do feel, however, that it is important to check in with 'the girl' at times. 'Is everything good?' you might ask a bimbo/doll and being in that slutty/object state of mind, what isn't good? Very important then to give the gal a voice from time to time. Rigid natures she can handle without complaint. Obedience is second nature to her. Holding her tongue is what she does best. But, does the girl who embodies the doll feel the same way, about every last command? It's important to ask the right persona particularly poignant questions about her life.

Regardless of a very naturally submissive nature, I do feel that everyone needs to feel in some sort of control in life; over their own behaviour, their own needs; for a sense of safety and security. It's a divine thought for me to think that a person can give their whole self over to another but it's a bit of an impossibility. We can stop our brains from thinking some of the time but we can't stop thinking all of the time. Our survival instinct demands that we use our minds. An animal, for example, may rely on an Owner for food but if the Owner is caught somewhere and cannot attend to the animal will not a smart animal do what is necessary to survive? So it is with humans. We think.

I think that we grade our relationships; grade those relationships where rigidity abounds and we assess whether the frustrations and the downsides are worth the upsides. Knowing as we eventually do that nothing is going to change and the rigidity will endure, we determine if we can tolerate it. I think there is a lot of love in this type of dynamic; empathy; tolerance; acceptance. It is a vital component.

Sensibilities

I've read all sorts of posts and information about limits (I actually refer to 'sensibilities') over the years but somehow I never thought it applied to me. I'd never been put into a situation where I needed to think about it too much.

I have now finished reading 50 Shades of Grey and there are many scenes devoted to Ana and Grey discussing a contract - what she was prepared to do and what she wasn't prepared to do. I suppose that must happen but in my experience I find that being open to new experiences works best. I often experience some internal resistance (not necessarily expressed) at some new idea but over the next seconds, minutes, hours or days the thought plays on my mind and I find myself wanting that new experience. Obviously, I have no way of knowing if this is a typical submissive response but it is certainly mine. Introduce me to it, let it simmer away in my mind, suggest it again, and by then I'm pretty receptive.

I do feel that if someone is giving you something precious - their time, their energy, their expertise, their affection, love and so on - that you want to give them back something precious. On a non-BDSM level, last year my husband was wonderful in allowing me time in little Italian towns where we did what I love to do - to soak up the atmosphere and wander the little lanes and take our time.

So, when we got to Rome I understood that I needed to give back. I spent six hours looking at ruins and then immediately thereafter two hours in the Colosseum. This was his day, to spend as he wished. Yet, I have to admit, I, eventually, had pushed myself too far. When he didn't want to stop off at a Church for a service on the walk home (I was desperate for a quiet space and time) I lost the plot and said something sarcastic and in typical form he got mad at me for doing so.

I had simply pushed myself too far. In all his pleasure of being in Rome he had refused to take in that the day had been grueling for me. He was having too much fun to notice that and I was spending too much time being stoic to think of another plan. In fact, we've now agreed that next overseas holiday I might go to a yoga class or a church service while he visits an ancient site on occasion. We've agreed to accommodate one another's needs.

My submissive tendencies, my desire to please, to follow and to accommodate have always been with me and I find it painful not to please. In other words, it's hard to say "no". However, I do know internally when I am being pushed too far because I get a physiological response that tells me that there is trouble brewing. The sensations are so strong that it is very hard to ignore them and if I want to give in to the other person and give them what they want, I have to walk over, stomp down, all those signals that are telling me that it will end badly.

Of course, I am human and certainly not always right and so I must make account for that truth. Maybe, the other person is right and I just need to let go and try. Maybe it will be all right if I can just let go of the fear and the worry I feel that I can't do this or that. I know that at times my husband has wanted to do something intense and I've gone with the flow only to discover that my need to talk first was just too demanding and I've had to say, "I can't do this right now. Right now, I need to talk to you." Guys talk together, about women needing to talk, and as frustrating as it must be at times, he knows and the guys he talks to know that when a woman says this, it's best not to fight it. Let them verbalize; allay their fears and they are good to go.

A woman with strong submissive tendencies who has great respect for her Dominant won't find it at all easy to express the fact that she has doubts about what he wants her to achieve and saying "no" hurts her. She never wants to say "no". I loathe it. Yet, I think it is vital that she express her insecurities and not try to just be brave. If she goes ahead, against all the signals of her mind and body telling her that she is in peril, or that no good will come of this, I think she will weaken the relationship. The hurt she holds onto inside herself will result in damage.

I am open to the fact that this may be simply a stumbling stock and that the Dominant may wish to pursue his goals for her. Resistance can, of course, be overcome. However, for it to be successful, I think all the cards have to be on the table as to the potential pitfalls. And, when the situation becomes difficult and the submissive has great difficulty he must be there for her - to assure her he's happy that she tried at least, that he isn't upset, that all is still well. This is vitally important because when a woman is asked to walk where she never thought she ever would or could, the Dominant must hold her hand tight and be prepared for tears because the outcome is far from certain.

My feeling is that the relationship between Top and submissive is a deeply personal one. Some friendships are deeply personal. The closeness that two people can develop is quite extraordinary. It can be profoundly special; each one unique and to be treasured. When one experiences this sort of closeness on this Earth it must be nurtured and protected. It must be acknowledged for what it is: a rare gift. For such people we go the extra mile. It's all about give and take; about wanting to please and nurturing the other. Anything is possible.

Purpose

May you laugh easily
may your life be filled with joy and peace
may you be open to the beauty of life;
always remember that my love is your surround sound

 Men like Mozart gave their gifts to the world
 But I can only offer you what I have to give -
 eternal unconditional love, tolerance and
 a state of bliss and harmony.

Accept this gift.
Let it rise you up and compel you to live
Completely, cheerfully and contentedly.

This is my purpose.

Knowledge

There have been times when I have felt fragile. I sometimes wished that I was more assertive; more committed to a career; more able to stand on my own two feet. I have at times resented my nature, seeing it as somehow less than those who appeared so strong; whole; resilient.

I have come to understand matters more completely. I am resilient. I am strong. I am whole. I have in abundance compassion and the ability to love. I was given all the resources I required to endure and thrive. I did not know that then but I know that now.

The whole entity

In my last post I expressed some frustration that my true nature is kept under the radar. I don't necessarily look like a person with kinky thoughts running through her mind night and day is meant to look. Certainly most people don't respond to me in any particular way that relates to my submissive nature. Only the rarest of people have caught on to what lies below the surface and have sought to interact in person with the whole entity that is me.

Last Saturday, my husband and I enjoyed one of our most kinky of days all morning and again in the late afternoon. There was just enough time for me to get ready for a dinner party with a group of friends and whilst 'cindi' was present all night on the inside (my husband said I was "aglow"), on the outside all that was visible to the untrained eye (I suppose) was "the girl".

I admit it bothered me and it particularly bothered me that when the word "spanking" was used by one of the men, I became particularly silent. I feel fear (and elation) when the word is used in such a vanilla setting because I worry that I am one step away from exposure.

But honestly, exposure from what? Exposure from the fact that I am happier now and more content than any other time in my life? Exposure from the fact that I enjoy living and loving in a certain kind of way? Exposure from the fact that I have special friends that have enriched my life and made me feel complete?

On one level, it's not that I fear exposure at all but rather that I covet that which is so very special to me. I don't want a bunch of people making lurid, smutty comments about me or those special to me when they don't really understand me, what makes me tick or the lifestyle of my choice. The exposure I worry about is an exposure than would alter something truly wonderful and transformational into something cheap and lurid. I covet my privacy in this space by way of a different name(s) because I fear that to not do so would let the sunshine in and void the magic of the experience for me and others.

I want to be very clear about one thing. The entity of Vesta/cindi allows for the whole personality and spirit of me. If I am kind, obedient and truthful, if I am honourable, if I am loyal and honest and reliable; if I can keep a secret and take it to my deathbed - and I am all those things and can do all those things, then those qualities are all part of the whole me (wife, mother, citizen, daughter, submissive woman who seeks containment, to name but a few of the roles in my life). The open expression of Vesta and cindi enable me to express all that is me.

And, who is me? I'm a girl who took a chance and reached out to her husband first and foremost and then to a few significant others about thoughts that had run through her head all her life. With the help of one or two special people, I'm a girl who opened her mind on these pages (and others) to allow other people in to read and explore her mind and heart and soul.

I'm a girl with the greatest of respect for other people who have also pursued the expression of themselves (semi) publicly in whatever form that takes. We all here reach out for interaction with like minded souls, for self expression and to live our lives as honestly as we can under the restraints of a community who may choose to judge/mock rather than seek to understand/accept how we choose to lives our own individual lives.

Would I prefer to look like a kinky person? Would it enrich the experience for me? Not really. I choose the clothes and appearance that are right for me, much as we all do. It is enough for me that only very special people know me for all that I am. I never needed a crowd, never needed to be the centre of attention and never wanted to be the life of the party. It is enough for me to live exactly as I do because it is part of me to be a very private person with very special people in my life.

I am a trusting but careful person. I choose who I trust and do that carefully. In the same way I can be trusted by them. A secret is only a secret when you tell someone and the secrets of others will never see the light of day on these pages or any other pages. It is said that if you have a handful of friends in your life - true friends - you are doing well. I believe that.

There have been times on this journal when I have wondered if I have anything more to say; anything more to offer the reader. The thought I return to is that this is my chance to be brave and to do something bold and good and true. This is what keeps me coming back to these pages.

Room at the table

We met a wonderfully colorful character in a clothing store yesterday and since I loved his clothes and he wanted to speak English to my husband we were in there for ages. In a nutshell, he told us of his philosophy of life and at times he had me in stitches. A handsome, charismatic and stylish man, he had worked in New York City for many years in fashion photography and publishing and had returned to a more relaxed style of European living here.

He talked of the cultures of the world, of immigration, of "hot blooded" people and "calm, zen type" people and what happens when people of various cultures all live together. He talked of people he had worked with in Europe who had fixed ideas of what was in and what was out. His French associates, for example, had no idea why he should want to travel to Morocco let alone enjoy his time there, whilst he had loved his travels there. He considered them "snobs".

I'm up early. The way of life here means that the garbage truck comes by every morning very early and at that point I take note of the church bell that dings every 15 minutes. My mind wandered to my recent kinky conversation with a friend and the conversation with our acquaintance yesterday, and then the two events gelled together in my mind.

The D/s space is not unlike the cultures of the world. There are so many different ways to live, all under the banner of D/s. Some people feel that their way is the real way; the right way of doing what we do. That's okay. 'Each to his own' has always made a lot of sense to me.

One of my greatest breaks in life is that I found myself mentored by a person who understands me; the essence of me. I wanted to experience life in a "zen" kind of way. I seek calm via control. I crave peace of mind. He heard that through my words and he began work to take me there via a philosophy and state of mind that works brilliantly for me.

It is not for everyone, but it is for me and in my view, no less or more significant, no more or less valuable than any other form of D/s. I'm not playing around and nor is he, although we do acknowlede my playful side. What I have learned is as much part of my real life as it is for those who incorporate D/s into their lives in the most traditional of ways.

I like to think that we can all learn something from one another. More than that, I feel sure that we can learn from one another, if we keep our minds and hearts open to that. I think, at the end of the day, we just need to be true to ourselves and very conscious of what we truly need and what works best for us as individuals. Once you have found what you want, as the saying goes, stick to it.

There is room for us all in this space, surely. Respect for one another, an open mind and clarity of thought as to our own personal needs should allow us to sit at the table and engage with one another in a pleasurable and fulfilling way.