It is a pleasure to read Selkie's blog and her discussions always having me thinking. Lately, Selkie gave thought to the element of 'fantasy' associated with 'online' relationships. I'm in no position to make any wild, sweeping statements about the success rate of online relationships. I've never had an online romance, and I've never attempted to find a guy that way. I've heard of some remarkable success stories and I've heard of plenty of dismal failures. I guess it is fair to say that, depending on your luck, it could go either way.
What I am in a position to be able to say is that friendships formed 'online' and only online can be outstandingly successful. I may or I may not meet some or all of my friends one day. Whether I do or don't, the friendships forged are very strong, very enjoyable, very worthwhile and very real. It is almost inconceivable that I could have had such conversations with any person face to face as I have had on the Internet.
I'm not a particularly bold or brave person but I've initiated one or two of my online friendships, whilst others have been bold enough to contact me. I've had a 100 per cent strike rate, for even those friends with whom I no longer talk or write were worthwhile associates. Every one of my current friends, male and female, have turned out to be gems. I feel proud to know them all, and to have some connection with them, and hopefully, to enrich their lives as they have enriched mine.
For the past year and a half, I've been corresponding with a gentleman on the other side of the world. I've revealed a lot of my thinking to him and my needs, and he has given of his time to help me with very specific needs; needs that would have gone unmet otherwise. It was not perfect and each of us bear some responsibility for times when our relationship suffered, but given that we never met, we never spoke, or even saw one another's photos until very recently, we did amazingly well. When our relationship altered recently from that of a therapist/patient or dominant/submissive, if you will, to friend/friend (him remaining a dominant and me remaining a submissive) I had no difficulty in saying that the reason I asked for a change in the status of our relationship was because he had succeeded with me.
The role of an online mentor is treacherous. Two people get to know one another rather well. They work more closely together than any therapist/patient could. Few people can afford to see their therapist more than once a week, but our relationship was conducted on an almost everyday basis. We got to the heart of the matter, the very specific issues that needed to be addressed. And, over time, we began to see significant changes. I wrote that his lessons had "seeped into my bones". When I was not looking, I had changed and grown.
Another dear online friend told me that his wisdom had come when he wasn't looking and I believe that. Wisdom or growth in a person is an evolving thing and one day you look up and realize that it has happened. You are old enough or have grown enough for your problem to no longer be your problem.
Endings are tough. Too tough for either of us. And, so we remain friends; keen to update one another on our lives, from time to time. You don't share your life with someone; your most inner thoughts only to walk away. Or, you should not.
Of course, as a submissive woman with such strong desire and need for containment; for a sense of safety and security, love and serenity, there are still various paths to walk and I do that now with a mind for the specifics of that outcome. My new peace of mind and sense of happiness comes from putting into place those specific ideas to which I am being introduced.
Meanwhile, my husband notices the difference in me and is happy to see the growth and fulfilment of his girl. He is the recipient of my high marks. There is no better man to be found for me than he, I can assure you.
I'm not at all sure that I can tell you whether I am lucky with my online friendships or if I have some 'knack' for it that I should analyze and share. I think I can say on my own behalf that I was prepared to be bold and brave, to be honest and open, and to trust. It may have been dumb luck or it may be that I stumbled on men and women with great integrity and we sussed one another out well. Words can be remarkably powerful.
It is incumbent on me to caution that there are many snakes on the Internet. One must be very careful. But, there are also sparkling gems of people. Each of my Internet friends is, for me, a bright, shining star. I will be forever thankful for having had the great pleasure of knowing them.
Showing posts with label mentors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mentors. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
My friend
I was in the train today, on my way to the city. I rarely get a chance to sit down with the paper these days, and noticing the newspaper on the seat in front of me, I picked it up. My daughter was beside me and we were going into the city to meet her brother, for a little celebration of sorts at a lovely Italian restaurant. We were both in fine clothes and all was well.
I scanned the paper, until I reached the obituary page. His face, so easily recognizable, stared at me. I became silent. It took a few moments for me to grasp that this was the moment I had been waiting for, for over five years. He was gone.
The last thing I wanted to do was to spoil my daughter's day and I did my best to appear completely natural; as if nothing had happened. I kept up the conversation whilst my mind tried to take in the news.
As the train sped on to the city and I looked out the window at the sun peeking through the clouds, the city that was his home, my mind rushed through the memories of him, as I've wondered if it might if one has only a minute or two to live.
Not one memory was of a cross word, or a difficult moment. All those memories had vanished. In their place, were memories of all the good, all the value of him to the world, and more specifically, to my life. He was a good man and he had loved me and understood me. Our connection was strong.
As I sit here alone, finally, and allow the tears to pour down my face, I recognize that it is finally time to let go of one of the most remarkable and poignant relationships of my life.
Alas, I never really did tell him what he meant to me; what he gave me; my feelings for him. I like to think that he knew, nevetheless. I certainly hope so.
So, in his honour, as the only thing that I have to give, I note today what he left me; left in me; his advice.
- Think noble thoughts and do noble deeds.
- Never be bitter; stay youthful and open to life.
- Be a participator in life; not just a spectator.
- Stay slim all your life; weight is aging.
- Do what you do best; write.
- Stay soft; loving.
- Forgive; for we all make mistakes.
- Share yourself.
- Care.
Farewell, my dear friend. I would not have missed knowing you for the world.
I scanned the paper, until I reached the obituary page. His face, so easily recognizable, stared at me. I became silent. It took a few moments for me to grasp that this was the moment I had been waiting for, for over five years. He was gone.
The last thing I wanted to do was to spoil my daughter's day and I did my best to appear completely natural; as if nothing had happened. I kept up the conversation whilst my mind tried to take in the news.
As the train sped on to the city and I looked out the window at the sun peeking through the clouds, the city that was his home, my mind rushed through the memories of him, as I've wondered if it might if one has only a minute or two to live.
Not one memory was of a cross word, or a difficult moment. All those memories had vanished. In their place, were memories of all the good, all the value of him to the world, and more specifically, to my life. He was a good man and he had loved me and understood me. Our connection was strong.
As I sit here alone, finally, and allow the tears to pour down my face, I recognize that it is finally time to let go of one of the most remarkable and poignant relationships of my life.
Alas, I never really did tell him what he meant to me; what he gave me; my feelings for him. I like to think that he knew, nevetheless. I certainly hope so.
So, in his honour, as the only thing that I have to give, I note today what he left me; left in me; his advice.
- Think noble thoughts and do noble deeds.
- Never be bitter; stay youthful and open to life.
- Be a participator in life; not just a spectator.
- Stay slim all your life; weight is aging.
- Do what you do best; write.
- Stay soft; loving.
- Forgive; for we all make mistakes.
- Share yourself.
- Care.
Farewell, my dear friend. I would not have missed knowing you for the world.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Strict Masters
When I was a little girl, not yet five years old, my mother enrolled me into dance classes. The teacher was a rather intimidating Russian man, heavy set. He taught his lessons in the old fashioned way – with discipline. I rather doubt I was ever destined for the stage, but dance became a great passion as I was growing up and I spent many, many hours every week taking lessons, attending rehearsals and sometimes, performing.
His teaching methods were highly controversial with many of the mothers and one by one I found that girls were not returning to class. Their mothers did not approve. It was not that he ever did anything all that unusual; it was that they did not want their daughters being hauled over the coals when they made mistakes.
As I grew older, certain mothers would ask my opinion. What was happening in class, exactly? I had a great deal of difficulty understanding what all the fuss was about. Sure, he yelled at us, and stopped the music endlessly, and made us do it again, over and over, until he was satisfied, but that was normal, wasn’t it?
One day, he had us sit in a little huddle about him, and he said he wanted to give out a prize. He had a beautiful book of dance in his hand and he gave a little talk about perseverance and high standards and such, and he said that he wanted to give the book to the girl who had tried the hardest – Vesta!
I don’t think I had ever been more surprised in my life. I never expected such a thing, and I was quite overwhelmed. I don’t know why it should be today that I should remember that day, but I was down at the gym laying on a mat doing exercises this morning when the lovey memory sprung into my head.
I remember him with great fondness. One day, when I was in my mid to late teens, I was shopping in a department store, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was him. He was smiling so proudly.
“Look at you, Vesta! You look so grown up. You look so pretty!”
I was delighted that he was delighted. His heart was always in the right place. He strove for excellence and to those who accepted his instruction, he was very kind.
It didn’t do me one scrap of harm being under his tutelage. A few more strict masters in my childhood might have done me the world of good, actually. At least, that is what my husband tells me!
His teaching methods were highly controversial with many of the mothers and one by one I found that girls were not returning to class. Their mothers did not approve. It was not that he ever did anything all that unusual; it was that they did not want their daughters being hauled over the coals when they made mistakes.
As I grew older, certain mothers would ask my opinion. What was happening in class, exactly? I had a great deal of difficulty understanding what all the fuss was about. Sure, he yelled at us, and stopped the music endlessly, and made us do it again, over and over, until he was satisfied, but that was normal, wasn’t it?
One day, he had us sit in a little huddle about him, and he said he wanted to give out a prize. He had a beautiful book of dance in his hand and he gave a little talk about perseverance and high standards and such, and he said that he wanted to give the book to the girl who had tried the hardest – Vesta!
I don’t think I had ever been more surprised in my life. I never expected such a thing, and I was quite overwhelmed. I don’t know why it should be today that I should remember that day, but I was down at the gym laying on a mat doing exercises this morning when the lovey memory sprung into my head.
I remember him with great fondness. One day, when I was in my mid to late teens, I was shopping in a department store, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was him. He was smiling so proudly.
“Look at you, Vesta! You look so grown up. You look so pretty!”
I was delighted that he was delighted. His heart was always in the right place. He strove for excellence and to those who accepted his instruction, he was very kind.
It didn’t do me one scrap of harm being under his tutelage. A few more strict masters in my childhood might have done me the world of good, actually. At least, that is what my husband tells me!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Mentors
There has been considerable talk about the place of mentors in the past weeks. I am very lucky in that when I chose my mentor, I chose very well. Occasionally, I think he worries that he might have got something wrong with me. But, as I tell him, even when he is wrong, he is actually right. It works quite beautifully. I share this little (slightly edited) snippet of our exchange earlier today to explain how simply effective (and effectively simple) it can be:
My husband and I had been for a walk and therein, I said something he didn’t care for, and I was hauled over the coals for it. I do have my ‘not feeling submissive’ moments. You might have guessed.
Anyways, I ended up by turning on my heel and walking home; alone. I put on the kettle and sat down to check my mail online and there was Janus, up for a chat. He asked how I was and I admitted that...
”I'm in a bit of trouble and trying to keep my distance from ‘you know who’ at the moment.
“Why are you in trouble?”
“All was absolutely fine and dandy...good morning...and we were going for a walk, and then we had a bit of an exchange, and he didn't like what I said. He started to get really cross with me and I saw red and I crossed the street. Bad move!! He came over and got even madder and I turned around and walked home. I know I'm meant to go and apologize, but you know what? I'll have to go through the speech all over again, and I 'm trying to cool myself down so that I can take it.
I’m sure you can guess what Janus said, but just for the record:
“It's time for you to take responsibility. Why are you delaying? You know what you need to do. Calm down, go tell him you are sorry. I'll wait. “
“ Okay, okay.... I'm going...”
“I’m back. He accepted my apology.”
“ See, getting it done right away has its rewards.”
“I know that you are right.”
Of course, Janus would not be Janus if he didn’t press my buttons. And, when we had a transmission failure later and our words to one another were not getting through, it was quite funny to later read our responses to one another; neither sure if we had offended one another in some way. You see, he is more than just a mentor, and I’m more than just a ‘green as grass’ sub. We have a lovely, lovely friendship. Lucky, lucky, lucky me!
My husband and I had been for a walk and therein, I said something he didn’t care for, and I was hauled over the coals for it. I do have my ‘not feeling submissive’ moments. You might have guessed.
Anyways, I ended up by turning on my heel and walking home; alone. I put on the kettle and sat down to check my mail online and there was Janus, up for a chat. He asked how I was and I admitted that...
”I'm in a bit of trouble and trying to keep my distance from ‘you know who’ at the moment.
“Why are you in trouble?”
“All was absolutely fine and dandy...good morning...and we were going for a walk, and then we had a bit of an exchange, and he didn't like what I said. He started to get really cross with me and I saw red and I crossed the street. Bad move!! He came over and got even madder and I turned around and walked home. I know I'm meant to go and apologize, but you know what? I'll have to go through the speech all over again, and I 'm trying to cool myself down so that I can take it.
I’m sure you can guess what Janus said, but just for the record:
“It's time for you to take responsibility. Why are you delaying? You know what you need to do. Calm down, go tell him you are sorry. I'll wait. “
“ Okay, okay.... I'm going...”
“I’m back. He accepted my apology.”
“ See, getting it done right away has its rewards.”
“I know that you are right.”
Of course, Janus would not be Janus if he didn’t press my buttons. And, when we had a transmission failure later and our words to one another were not getting through, it was quite funny to later read our responses to one another; neither sure if we had offended one another in some way. You see, he is more than just a mentor, and I’m more than just a ‘green as grass’ sub. We have a lovely, lovely friendship. Lucky, lucky, lucky me!
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