The truth shall set you free

I am controlled in large measure by the expectations of my husband and children. But, what of my thought processes? Do I, in fact, impose control on myself?

When I was a young girl, it seemed to me that my role was to be the ‘good child’. My sibling was not ‘wild’ but comparatively speaking, he was. So, I think I tried to make up for this. I saw my mother suffered when he was uncooperative and that made me want to co-operate, if only for her sake. In any case, I did not want to be bad. I had no desire to be at all rebellious. When I began to explore my sexuality I did it without confronting my family. As far as parenting me goes, they had a dream run.

I married fairly young. Almost immediately, we fell into a mode where I took responsibility for many household responsibilities. I don’t think we ever sat down with me suggesting that I would do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping and so on. In fact, it never entered my mind that I would not be responsible for those things. Certainly, my husband never fought the notion.

When the children came into our lives, I saw the vast majority of their parenting as my responsibility, too. It just never occurred to me that I would be anywhere else of an evening than looking after my family. I rejected evening classes, or socializing with girlfriends of an evening on all but a handful of occasions.

I remember when we lived in another country; the next door neighbour suggested that we walk in the neighbourhood together directly after dinner. Her husband was prepared to do the dishes whilst she was away. But, I made an excuse immediately. I just couldn’t imagine such a situation in my household.

Last week, my daughter came down the back staircase and as I heard her coming, I moved away from the desk and my writing, to get busy in the kitchen. I have done this many times before. Late last week, she took me to lunch, and she talked to me quietly.

“Mum, when you hear one of us coming, you immediately move away from your desk and do something. But, you are entitled to some happiness, to do something that pleases you. You don’t need to feel guilty.”

Oh my! My daughter was onto me! Finally, someone had seen that my reactions were so often related to guilt. Was my house clean enough? Were my children and husband happy? Was I a good mother? A good wife? Could I keep all the balls in the air and perhaps in the few quiet moments of my life, eek out some personal happiness of my own? Did I deserve to take the time to write? Did I, in fact, deserve to be happy?

Janus and I had a chat yesterday, and he said that he thinks that I worry about telling the truth about myself. He thinks that I worry that people won't accept it.

“You may need practice telling things that aren't comfortable, aren't acceptable. You may need some experience talking about your feelings where you aren't going to get punished for it.”

I think he may be right. I know that I do keep my feelings to myself for fear of being punished; not fear of the cane or some other implement; fear of being rejected.

One facet of D/s relationships that is so appealing to me is that the girl is supposed to be open with her man and that this leads to a closer connection. It has not always worked out that way for us. My husband wants a happy girl and sometimes the truth implies that is not entirely so. It challenges him and the conversation can end badly. Yet, I believe in D/s. I believe in the power of it to make for much happiness and contentment. “The truth shall set you free.” I’m going to put my faith in that statement, and like Indiana Jones take that giant leap of faith. I honestly don't think I would be doing this without Janus, for I do this knowing that, should I fall, he will be there to catch me.