Gratitude

 Until today, I was of the understanding that a gratitude practice involved taking a minute or two to think about a few things for the day, or maybe the week - a period of time - for which you were grateful. So, a person might think a little about it and come up with something like - I am grateful for the meal my wife cooked for me...I am grateful that I had my raincoat with me because it rained...I am grateful to have beautiful and kind hearted children...I am grateful to have lost no-one to COVID-19.

A person might be grateful for the little things and for the overarching picture of one's life, and anything in between. And that's not a bad thing. It's nice.

However, according to the science, it's not nearly as good as developing a script about gratitude that you can write, rehearse, embed in the mind, and bring up for a minute or two on a regular basis.

I'm writing this from memory, no notes, and it was a long podcast I was listening to, but here's the idea in a nutshell.

First, we sort out lives best when we have a narrative. We like to have a beginning, a middle and an end; protagonists and antagonists. We like stories. It's the same for gratitude. It's too broad and random of strokes for us to come up with a little list of things for which to be grateful. We need some structure around it and creating that structure is straightforward.

So, sit quietly with yourself and cast your mind to a time near or far when you felt gratitude for something that someone did for you.

Alternatively, or as a second story, think about a time when you did something for someone else and felt the receiving of their gratitude.

Now, write yourself a little script. It could be bullet points but get it down on paper, or go through the motions of the experience visually in your mind.

Here is an example:

In October 2016 I returned from New Zealand where I attended a 7 day retreat, mainly experienced in silence.

The next day my family celebrated by birthday at a lunch held at a restaurant they knew I loved.

When we returned home after lunch they gave me a gift. There was a card and inside the card were two air tickets to Bali for my husband and me.

I instantly began to weep. This bamboozled them until I managed to get out the words, "I am so lucky to have you."

The gratitude I felt was a whole body and mind experience and was expressed in tears. My heart welled with gratitude and spilled over. I felt loved; lucky; appreciated; heartfelt gratitude.

So, there's a little script that I can use; would probably take a minute to conjure and feel through.

Apparently, it's this kind of minute of gratitude, repeated a few times a week, at any time of the day, that releases a positive emotional state that can effect a human in many optimal ways. Should you feel space in and around your heart I think you can take that to mean you did it right.

Etiquette

 Someone referred to me recently as "cautious"; that is, neither introverted nor extroverted, but cautious. I had never thought of it that way, but the more I thought about it, I came to the following conclusion.

I enjoy people, as a general rule. And, I enjoy time alone. I need both.

I don't need people to give me energy, like a light bulb requires energy. At the same time, I don't need, and don't want, to have energy sucked from me, or carry the negative energies of other people.

There's a distinct difference here which I am trying to put into words, mostly for myself.

My prisoner penpal...he's in a very rough spot and I don't expect him to provide me with energy (although he sometimes does), or even curiosity about my life. My positive energy, together with a keen listening ear is what I give to him. The correspondence we share is meaningful to me and I would miss it were it to come to an end.

I am very open to providing a listening ear in any number of situations and again, it's a gift I willingly give.

At the same time, I am subject to the ups and downs of being human. No-one can get away from this, unless you are an enlightened soul. Maybe the Dalai Lama can get away with it.

My nature is to be calm and positive; to work with momentum to move forward in life. I have built resilience to adapt to circumstances as they have unfolded to date.

Having said all that, I shy away from being brought down. Since the comment was made about me being cautious, I became aware of the fact that if I determine that an interaction or being in the company of someone in particular will bring me down, I do my best to avoid the circumstance, most especially if it happens again and again.

Years ago, I bought a book about living gracefully. It's somewhere on the book shelf. The writer made the comment that sometimes she isn't feeling her best and that when that happens she consciously chooses to keep her own company, rather than inflicting her negative mindset on someone else. 

As I was writing here today I was aware of reading the comment at the time and thinking this a good strategy. 

It's one thing to be a good friend, or spouse, or mother of an adult child and to offer them your ear. Generally speaking, that's the right thing to do.

However, to expect someone else to take on your emotional life in the moment - your frustration, or anger, or insecurity - much as they might ask you to wear their coat since they are overheated, is asking too much, even of an empath, or someone willing to give more than they take.

It's such a shame that the etiquette books of yesteryear are out of vogue. They contained much wisdom.