The suitability of love

 I just finished the novel 'Intermezzo' by Sally Rooney. I am missing the characters already so I listened online to a few book club groups sharing their opinions, which were divided, as one would expect. 

What did appear to be consistent was a liking of Margaret, the 36-year-old woman, recently divorced from her alcoholic husband who goes to bed with Ivan, the 23-year-old "on the spectrum" chess player who she has been assigned to drive home to his Airbnb from a tournament.

The two protagonists of the novel are Ivan and his brother Peter, but we get to know Margaret from the inside, and thus, it seems to me, readers relate to Margaret, and not to Naomi and Sylvia so much, because we come to understand Margaret better. There's so much about the other women that remains a mystery. It's missing the point by the way to expect to know them better because they are Peter's girls, and if Peter can't know them better, then neither can we. It's his confusion about the two women in his life, and how they fit, or don't, that is central to the story.

One book club member was lost as to a motive for Margaret having a relationship with the much younger Ivan. Ivan has braces, isn't that sure of himself, but there's something there; a wanting, a desire, and they are both kind, humble people. The sex scenes between them are so beautifully constructed that I would have thought there was no doubt in readers minds that this is irresistibility on both sides. And kindness, which they are both needing.

I think this is either a conscious or unconscious thought on Rooney's mind all the time - that what seems 'suitable' for some people isn't suitable for other people, and maybe these choices aren't even ours, but the conditioning of forces greater than ourselves. The reader leaves the book, I would have thought, wondering about the limitations we set on ourselves about what is suitable; even what 'love' looks like.

I think for many readers it will be a stretch to think that the two women could share Peter in an ongoing way, and that's probably right. Should Peter and Naomi settle down and have a child, the opportunities to see Sylvia may begin to run down, or not. She may be incorporated into the new family in ways, a loving aunt for the child perhaps. The two women genuinely care for one another, and for Peter, and that's the glue.

Monogamy has its place, of course, but what I don't think makes sense, is that it demands that we have no care for other people of the opposite sex. Jealousy has a purpose, to be sure, but it also has this nasty demand that all loving feelings should go to one person, forever.

Honestly, I think this unwritten expectation places demands on a union that are almost unachievable; that one person has to fulfil one's needs for passion, affection, understanding, companionship and so forth, forever and ever. It's sort of bottling oneself up, kind of living in fear of spreading good will around, lest one be judged.

I don't mean that Peter's decisions, and the girls, can be a regular sort of thing, suitable for the masses. It's a particular situation, but maybe not so particular. The times they are a changing.

Needing more or needing less

I bought myself the book titled 'Healing Developmental Trauma' by Laurence Heller. In this book, it explains the various responses to early developmental trauma. From memory there are five categories, and I feel confident in saying that I fall into the 'attunement' category. I have a longing for connection, to be attuned to someone else.

This falls in line with my submissive nature, I believe, and with my desire for a very strong connection with my mate, perhaps stronger than I am going to find in a vanilla marriage. I felt this as a young woman, well, as a teenager actually. I saw 'The Story of O' and resonated on a number of levels. It was profoundly arousing to me, absolutely, but it also felt like a slice of heaven to imagine having that deep sense of intimacy with someone else.

I think my husband's developmental trauma fits into the Trust category and whilst I hadn't thought about it like this before, he struggles to be dependent on someone, the opposite of my response to early developmental trauma. He lost his mother as a teenager, it was a shock, and it makes sense that the unconscious mind should decide that he cannot afford to need someone who could be taken away at a moment's notice, again.

So, he does depend on me for consistent support and simply being here, but it would seem from that chapter, he doesn't want to be so dependent on me as a deep D/s structure would require. Depth, in and of itself, maybe is something that he somatically resists. This chapter made sense to me as I know him and as I know his history. In this way, there is only so far we can go in a D/s dynamic. 

His (undiagnosed) ADHD is a factor as well. He needs a lot of time alone. He would say he needs the time because he has a relentless pile of work to get through, but it's more than that. I have noticed this need for as long as I have known him and that's almost 50 years.

I took quite a bit of time to consider this. What exactly would be the point of insisting this not be so? Can I, frustrated with the weather, stop the sun from bearing down this February, or insist that the Rain Gods do their job?

I did a flow yoga class last evening, not especially good, I thought, until Shavasana, when you lay like a corpse and absorb the benefits of your practice. I was calm, enjoying the heat of my body starting to reduce, when I noticed that thoughts were almost gone and instead there was a white light in front of my closed eyes, a bit like fog.

There is a person in my life that I thought about, someone close to the end of their life whose face came before me, putting the fog in the background, sort of encircling the face. My mind seemed to stop, and then the face dissolved into the fog; gone. 

It reminded me of a thought I have often had; that all our little worries dissolve into the past when we are gone. The worries were some sort of illusion, the world didn't need them and wouldn't be hanging onto them. In that moment, it felt like the needing more had also dissolved. At least, I had a taste of it.

Wants and needs

 I have been listening to a series of podcasts entitled 'Power in Practice'. They are quite old, some dating back to 2008, but they are incredibly good. In some ways, the small group of people who published them were experimental, looking to see how to best run a polyamory family, or multiple dominant households.

From the comments made I think it's fair to say that the dominants of the group tend towards extreme dominance and that the submissives of the group were carefully selected to be willing to accept and be at least relatively comfortable with that sort of extreme dominance.

Flagg made the point that romantic love complicates a D/s structure and I think most people can agree on that point. My husband listened along to some of it and I heard him say, sort of to himself, 'I don't agree with that' or 'I could never do that'. 

The hypnotist who we engaged to assist us in setting up a D/s structure again together with dealing with some trauma we both needed to heal, said to my husband that I was born this way. I was born with a service mentality. I think that's right. To be of use to those I love, and even those I don't love, is a part of my personality. I not only do it willingly, I do it without even thinking about it. I slot into the secondary position like a duck waddling into water.

So, what I want is to be myself, to be the s of the D/s situation, not just to serve for serving sake, but to be comfortable in my skin, at one, in harmony. I need harmony, unobtainable to me outside of a D/s structure. 

So what I want and need is for my husband to fulfill his obligations as the D of the D/s arrangement.

Early in December, we were driving along the freeway when my husband said to me, 'Do you commit to stay married to me forever?'. 'Yes. Yes, I do', I said. 'And, do you commit to our dynamic being D/s forever?' 'Yes, Yes, I do.'  'I commit to that too,' he said. And, like that, the deal was sealed, never to be broken.

I can't say exactly how the hypnotist did his work. We would have started with my husband's therapy, but he wasn't ready, so we started with mine.

First, we dealt with some trauma I held, trauma that played out in the writings here, some confusion about my sexuality. Since I had been having masochistic fantasies from the earliest age, in some ways due to the neglect in my early life, I needed to go to that place and satisfy myself that it was I an adult, that wanted these things. It was I that wanted these things and that was okay.

D asked me towards the end of the first session what had changed and at first, I only noted little things; the little desk had been moved; the curtains had been opened. But then I saw me, not a little girl anymore, a fully-fledged woman.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, she's all grown up. She's all grown up."

Then, we dealt with the neglect, the inability to express myself emotionally as a child. We did forgiveness exercises, and most importantly, in my opinion, I had the experience of seeing myself as a young woman, around 30, blissfully happy in a relationship that was led by a man I loved. I was sitting at his feet, and we were happy and at peace.

This was what I wanted.

Immediately after the session I was sad, sometimes angry. I had felt what I wanted, maybe for a full minute, and I desperately wanted it back.

I wanted my husband to be engaged with me in a D/s relationship that was 24/7. I wanted to be responsible for being the best submissive I could be and I wanted him to be the best dominant that he could be.

D worked away at that. I don't know exactly how, but I do know that he feels that I need the structure that enables me to succeed at the submission.

We haven't formulated a contract as yet, but we see it as being one where we outline our responsibilities.

He is responsible for the relationship; to lead it and oversee it. I am responsible for being obedient and available; enticing and companionable.

We do little things right now. He puts a blindfold on me right before sleep. I have been sleeping very well and my husband noted that I seem very relaxed. 

I call him 'Sir' or 'Owner' but mostly Sir, unless other people can hear.

He initiates play. He shaves my pussy and that leads to play, but it can happen at any time. Orgasm on demand is expected. Until recently I didn't know that I could orgasm on demand. I didn't know that there were 12 different types of orgasm. 

Maybe most significant of all is that we are able to engage in conversation without fear of eruptions. We were both prone to be angered by each other and the therapy sorted that, maybe in equal parts with the new/renewed dynamic. I think he's far more reasonable now; far more willing to see his role in all this; that in spite of not being especially well, we have a life to live. This component had been missing for a long time and I found it soul crushing.

Back to the needs...I believe as a submissive that my whole body is his to play with and enjoy. I was trained this way and I think this way. I have experienced the benefits of thinking this way. I am aware that anal training isn't that difficult and on our 'to purchase' list is an inflatable dildo. We will write into the contract that I train with this at least twice a week, so that all three holes are available.

We will purchase a leather collar that he will place around my neck just before I go to sleep.

He wants more touch and I currently wash his back in the shower. I bring close to the shower our towels.

I think he listens to me more. He is no less opinionated, but I think he is more caring in that he is less self-involved. He still tends to what he must tend to but I suppose I would say that he is more relaxed too.

He corrects. Most particularly he reminds me of the Honorifics, cementing that down. He spanks, not soundly. I am not crying when he does it, but I get the point. I don't want and nor do I choose to be in trouble.

With him I don't have to worry about being asked to do something well outside of commonsense. He's not going to ask me to stand naked in the traffic. He's never going to put me at risk, and I would never want that sort of play anyway. He said to me some hours ago that he could never imagine loaning me out as some dominants apparently do because his sense of responsibility for me would never allow me to potentially be put in harm's way. He simply does not have and nor does he need to have, a desire to push the bounds out to feel a certain way.

Om, a man from NYC I listen to talks a lot about containment, and interestingly I wrote a lot about containment in earlier years. Blindfolds, rope, silence, placed on a chair, whole body massage, feeling held down emotionally...I revel in all of this.

There's not the slightest resistance to thinking of myself as a submissive, or a Slave, or the one on the bottom; whatever you like to say. It is denial of my needs for that positioning that caused me so much distress, not at all the other way around.

Etiquette

 Someone referred to me recently as "cautious"; that is, neither introverted nor extroverted, but cautious. I had never thought of it that way, but the more I thought about it, I came to the following conclusion.

I enjoy people, as a general rule. And, I enjoy time alone. I need both.

I don't need people to give me energy, like a light bulb requires energy. At the same time, I don't need, and don't want, to have energy sucked from me, or carry the negative energies of other people.

There's a distinct difference here which I am trying to put into words, mostly for myself.

My prisoner penpal...he's in a very rough spot and I don't expect him to provide me with energy (although he sometimes does), or even curiosity about my life. My positive energy, together with a keen listening ear is what I give to him. The correspondence we share is meaningful to me and I would miss it were it to come to an end.

I am very open to providing a listening ear in any number of situations and again, it's a gift I willingly give.

At the same time, I am subject to the ups and downs of being human. No-one can get away from this, unless you are an enlightened soul. Maybe the Dalai Lama can get away with it.

My nature is to be calm and positive; to work with momentum to move forward in life. I have built resilience to adapt to circumstances as they have unfolded to date.

Having said all that, I shy away from being brought down. Since the comment was made about me being cautious, I became aware of the fact that if I determine that an interaction or being in the company of someone in particular will bring me down, I do my best to avoid the circumstance, most especially if it happens again and again.

Years ago, I bought a book about living gracefully. It's somewhere on the book shelf. The writer made the comment that sometimes she isn't feeling her best and that when that happens she consciously chooses to keep her own company, rather than inflicting her negative mindset on someone else. 

As I was writing here today I was aware of reading the comment at the time and thinking this a good strategy. 

It's one thing to be a good friend, or spouse, or mother of an adult child and to offer them your ear. Generally speaking, that's the right thing to do.

However, to expect someone else to take on your emotional life in the moment - your frustration, or anger, or insecurity - much as they might ask you to wear their coat since they are overheated, is asking too much, even of an empath, or someone willing to give more than they take.

It's such a shame that the etiquette books of yesteryear are out of vogue. They contained much wisdom.

The Narcissistic Cycle

From the moment we take our first breath we expect life to revolve around us. It is all about our needs. We want out stomachs filled and our diaper changed; to be held when we desire and for people to stop holding us when we desire to be alone. Over time, we learn that it is not all about us, and this comes as a deep shock to some children. The adults around them may wonder, why is he or she so desperate for attention? Generally speaking, little people learn to adjust to the real world, being a cog in the big wheel of life. Some people even enjoy their humility. But, for a significant minority, it really does suck to not be in the limelight, to not have a great deal of attention; to not reach some great height in life.

Of course, expression of a narcissistic personality isn't something that you can plot on a line. There are grades of narcissism and according to the level of narcissism expressed, we have some idea as to people's reactions to narcissistic injury. So much of the behavior is covert; covered up; a secret. It can take a good deal of looking before your eyes stop deceiving you.

It is almost impossible to be certain what leads to this behavior in adulthood, but there are two theories. Either the parents created a golden child who did no wrong and and certainly deserves the abundance of praise, glory and possessions the child is given, or else the parents were cold; unresponsive to the child's needs and withholding of praise and love.

It seems that it may well be something that happens about the age of 7 or 8 that can lead to permanent damage in the psyche; a scary thought for me since I work with children of that age. It is also fascinating that it is the occurrence of some damage to the psyche at this same age that can set the child up for a future cancer. Children need to express their emotions. You don't want them feeling that they must contain these emotions. Indeed, it is important that they share them with you. Having dinner together regularly is a great insurance policy because that's a time when concerns are raised.

For some people the swings and arrows directed at their sense of self is so great that they must create an inner sanctum. The chances of being invited into this inner sanctum of their minds is remarkably low for the very reason they fear going through the portal of their inner sanctum themselves. If they cannot enter, then you certainly must be kept out. Thus, the false self is created.

The narcissistic personality requires confirmation; validation; attention. With a low supply of empathy for others or a sense of guilt at their disposal, for their psyche rotates around their own desperate and urgent needs to feel better, people that come into their orbit are at risk of being manipulated to serve the N's needs.

Not all people with a narcissistic personality are wildly intelligent and abound with charm. Some people are mildly narcissistic in personality whilst others are in the mid range. Then there are others that are Masters at the game. How they experience themselves within their own skin can vary wildly from their outward appearance and behavior. It's the pressing need to have their needs met that have them behaving in certain ways because supply must be found and, if we are talking of a primary source, secured.

The appetite for supply can often be voracious and this makes secondary supply and even tertiary supply very important; not as important as the primary supply, most often the romantic partner, but still, an important source for supply. It could be a lover, a co-worker or even a stranger on the street. It is an insidious, all encompassing thing for some people.

There is a pattern, easily recognized when you know what you are looking for, but far too irresistible to reject when you do not. Submissives, yearning to submit as they do, are far less likely to see the master narcissist coming.

The golden period when the narcissistic is a delight to be around and you think you have found the perfect match is, well, golden. It feels special; heady; a high. Is there anything better than this, you wonder?

Unfortunately, the need for supply prevents this period from being permanent. There are a couple of things to note here. Positive supply isn't permanently enough; not even close. The N must have negative supply as well. He or she wants you to love them, but they also want you to sometimes hate them. How else can be there a contrast? How else can there a full expression of their control? Secondly, things go off the boil for the N. He needs to stir the pot; either to get some supply from another source, or have a cooling off period to gather strength and/or recover from a serious narcissistic injury. Either way, the golden period ultimately comes to an end or is patchy at best.

Confusion abounds. Drastic efforts are made; herculean attempts to return to that golden of golden periods of time. And yet, no matter how many hurdles you jump or how many sacrifices you make, that period of time is indeed gone; history; vamoose; vanished in a puff of smoke. It may return in some form or measure for limited periods of time, but the close connection between you is never quite reached. Nor are any attempts to discover the reasons for the change ever revealed or explained.

Probably, the narcissisticly challenged person has awareness; perhaps he or she does not. What matters to him is that he doesn't feel good and it's this drastic search to feel better that really matters to him or her. It drives everything.

Remember this: You didn't cause this situation and you can't fix this situation. You can, however, call it for what it is. You can even empathize, if your heart is big, deep and wide. Let's face it, as a submissive, you have bucket loads of empathy and forgiveness; endless supplies of understanding and an abundant willingness to wonder if you are to blame. For your own preservation of sanity, resist accepting the blame. In this way, you will heal.

Troubled relationships

So, what if you are stuck; stuck in a relationship that you can't seem to leave but that makes you crazy? Have you tried to changed the Other's behavior? How did that go for you?

There is a much more effective way to feel better about the relationship and about yourself because what you do have control over is your own behavior and thoughts. As these shifts take place in you, every element of your life, including the troubled relationship, starts to become smoother. Your sense of self improves. Most importantly, you stop feeling helpless and start feeling strong. The feelings of love remain but now they are based on an acceptance of the way things are; a full and complete acceptance of the person you love. You stop manipulating  the Other to get what you want and come to realize that it is the love that resides in you that you can tap into to heal yourself.

A troubled relationship that means a great deal to you can sap you of your self-confidence. Maybe you try to encourage the Other to act kinder towards you and instead of him or her seeing your distress and moving towards you to comfort you, there is push-back; blame, projection. It's confusing and can lead a person to wonder about their own sanity.  Do you find yourself digging deeper to understand the Other; pushing your own needs and wants further below the surface in order to settle or calm the Other? If so, your self-respect is at risk. You have come to behave like a Caretaker because it seemed the only way to function in a troubled relationship.

Counter-intuitively perhaps, you have to use different strategies to heal yourself and the relationship. Every time you use these strategies your self-respect will grow and you will start to see that things are not hopeless and you are not helpless.

Most importantly, you need to listen to your own feelings. Sit quietly with yourself as often as you can. Often, only a minute or two is enough. Ask yourself, 'How am I traveling?' Identify your feelings. Feel into your physical responses and locate where your feelings lie.

When interactions are hurtful to you, stop them. Don't feel that you need to keep interacting with someone who isn't making sense, or doesn't have control over his or her words and actions. Take a break. Let things simmer down.

If you are dependent on the Other but the Other's behavior isn't reliable it really doesn't make any sense for this person to be the final arbiter over your sense of self; the decider of who you are and the provider of your needs and wants. Your identity is made up primarily in the establishment of what you want, what you are willing to stand up for and the goals you strive for in life.  What you have to do is decide for yourself what action you wish to take. Then, you have to act. With or without him or her in your life, you are determining what will make your life better.

I think the problem can lie in the fact that a submissive sort of person will mention something he or she would like and the Other may sort of put that idea down; perhaps not in a direct way but in an overt sort of reference. It's almost a response to change that they unwittingly see as a threat. Change can be hard for the Other wrapped up in his or her own head. Rather than be put off, your goal can be mentioned in passing, and ultimately a declaration made that as of next week, say, you are going to be volunteering your time at the Soup Kitchen every other Thursday. No arguments. It is just now something that is part of your life.

It is not selfish to think about your own needs and wants as opposed to thinking all the time about the Other's needs and wants. This is what you have to get through your head. It doesn't work to be selfless. It is in fact inevitably soul destroying.

In a troubled relationship, the Other can in fact be very dependent on you. It helps to reflect back to the Other that you have heard and understood their feelings. 'You look upset.' 'I understand that would have been upsetting for you.' This isn't about ignoring the Other's needs but recognizing but they may be submerged in their own feelings and desire to feel better such that they can't attend to you. This is why it is so important in a troubled relationship to learn to use all those caring tendencies to nurture yourself.

When you stop wishing for things to change and start acting on the reality of your life, a sense of new beginnings starts to take hold. This does not have to be the demise of the relationship but rather a new found belief in your own abilities to make the most of your life. You can do it.

Submissive, Codependent or Caretaker?

I must have written a dozen times in the course of having this online journal that you can't change people.

'If I could be more compliant, more agreeable, more understanding,' some people say, 'things will be better then.'

They put the Other first and before you know it they have changed themselves, from a person of independent mind to one who subjugates his or her own self for some peace and harmony in the relationship and home. When chaos is the norm, it can start to appeal normal, such are the adaptions of the mind. Chaos is not normal.

Throw in a family to the mix and you have this selfless sort of person becoming a Caretaker, because, at the end of the day, somebody has to take on that job if one parent is behaving in a random and confusing fashion, right?

I have a strong suspicion that the words 'submissive, 'dominant', 'codependent',  'caretaker' and 'personality disordered' can get all jumbled up.

Consent, perhaps, is the ingredient that can clear up those categories. If you both enjoy your roles, if consent is clear and there has been no harassment to obtain consent, and if the arrangement aids you both in your growth and sense of peace...well then, there is nothing at all to worry about.

If you are still reading and wondering a bit about your true feelings, then maybe the categories above are a little murky for you.

It's impossible to go into too much detail in one blog post, so let's consider one small but vital point about a relationship where there is an unequal distribution of control. Care.

Submissives love to be cared for. I adore it myself. Interaction, attention, being given a challenge, feeling the control...that is all very kinky; a turn on; it's a really funfun game. But, why should I feel that someone needs to take care of me above and beyond that? What should lead me to think that?

Well, there's a certain sense of containment that just feels so delicious. I might see a photograph of a woman contained in some way - this morning it was a photograph of a woman learning to walk in ballet boots - and there is no dismissing the fact that I get a thrill out of that. So, if a man were similarly kinky and committed to that kink such that he innately desired what I desire, that would be a whole lot of healthy fun. What's done for deeper intimacy...how can that be unhealthy?

But, what if the submission is more than that; more than just fun and erotic pleasure? What if the submissive finds herself walking on eggshells, withholding her feelings and thoughts to avoid the dominant's displeasure or emotional outburst, or frosty silence?  What's that...a power exchange for the mutual pleasure of both participants, or something that looks more like a person being the caretaker of a personality disordered person, dependent on that person and awaiting his or her share of a sense of being cared for?

What if caring for someone isn't the desired sort of care - caring for each other with reciprocity - but caring for each other using the 'roles' of 'dominant' and 'submissive' which might actually be more like one person sacrificing their true self for the Other in order to have harmony?

I could speak to any number of behaviors that would identify the difference in these two outcomes but if you find yourself acting quite differently inside the relationship or family to the way you act with friends, associates and co-workers, it's not co-dependence (I once inaccurately labelled myself a Codependent), but it could be that in order to function within your relationship, you have become a Caretaker.

I think the first question for yourself would be - do I somehow feel that my true Self is being compromised in this relationship?

If you are happy, happy, happy in the submissive role, let's hope that it never ends. If you question the behaviors you experience, and your responses, it could very well be something else.

In my opinion the kinky/erotic role of 'submissive' in a sexual capacity is perfectly healthy. No need to deny yourself the pleasures of that. If you put the Other first repeatedly such that you having trouble identifying your own needs and wants; if you identify with some fear, obligation and guilt, then it may be you've unwittingly found your giving soul in dangerous waters.

There's not the time or space here to delve too far into that thought, but to end where I began it's far from easy to change someone else. With proper guidance, it is more than possible to change yourself. You may be submissive but you can swim.

Self-belief

I am becoming more comfortable now with this need to write. I'm understanding more about the need to wrestle with the themes and preoccupations of my life and to shape them into a story.

For many years, there  was no time to write. Four busy children and a fully occupied husband absorbed my time. As well, in those child rearing years I didn't have the strong desire to write that I do now. There was adequate succor for me bringing up the children. There was also plenty of worry. It can deplete desire to be creative in another medium.

It is true that my husband would say from time to time that I should sit down and write, but the impetus was not coming from within. I give full credit for my entry into a writing life to my psychologist, who I saw for about ten sessions a few years ago now.

'What would you really like to do?'
'Well, I'm not sure that I have any talent, but I'd like to do a writing course.'
'I don't doubt that you have talent. What is really stopping you?'

I don't remember what I said. I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to reconstruct that conversation. I probably said that the children still took up a lot of time and I wasn't sure which course to pick. I no doubt gave her any excuse that I could come up with in the moment.

What I didn't say was that I had zero confidence; that the thought of actually doing what I really wanted to do filled me with fear and anxiety, because somewhere in the doing of the course it would be proven categorically that I had no talent.

I do remember her telling me to research writing courses and that next time we met I should let her know which course I had decided on and my reasons for choosing that particular course. She was tough under that sweet surface of hers!

I did do the research and I chose a course that would give me a smattering of choices for a possible writing life; subjects concerning journalism, writing critiques, writing film scripts, adapting one form of writing to another, starting a novel, and so on. I was hedging my bets; that if I was useless in one form of writing I might be better in another. Truthfully, I really wanted to go to the same institution that my youngest son attends now, but it is highly selective and I simply didn't think that I could ever be chosen. So, I downplayed my interest in it.

She was happy with my selection and explanation of my choice, though she did question me about the generalist, academic nature of my selection.  I think she would have been happier with a course that focused specifically on creative writing. It probably would have been a wiser choice, in retrospect, although the course I did expanded my mind and that's a good thing. She was happy enough until I said that I wouldn't enrol in the upcoming study period but rather wait until the new year which was in several months.

'Oh no you don't,' she said more forcefully than any other statement she had ever made, or would make to me. 'You're enrolling right now!' So, I did. I felt I had no choice and that was probably also a good thing.

I remember beginning the very first subject and there were twelve in all. I remember thinking, 'Well, I haven't a clue how to do this so I have nothing to lose.' I remember it being a huge accomplishment in my mind when I could find all the material and sites and discussion boards; you name it. Technologically, I was a dinosaur being drawn into a new era.

I remember having to choose another writing student as a writing buddy and I quickly formed the impression that one young man would be ideal for me. His style of writing and interests were entirely different to mine, but he was smart, witty, open and friendly. We got on very well given all the differences. I remember him having to formally critique a piece of writing of mine for the first time. I had made so many fundamental mistakes but he saw something fresh and honest in the writing and he's always been encouraging to me. I remember getting a Distinction for that subject and that gave me some slight optimism in my own ability to survive the course.

I remember taking on two subjects the next semester and at one point half way through the semester my nerve cracked. I wrote to the tutor of my 'Writing History' subject and said that I had taken on too much and perhaps should withdraw from her subject. She wrote back to say that was unnecessary since I was well on my way to a very high score. There it was again, a fundamental refusal to believe in myself, and to be genuinely shocked at the positive comments she made.

I remember getting back the result of one story I had submitted and the tutor noting in her comments   that she was sure that I would be published very soon.  I thought she was 'bullshitting'. I wanted to believe it. I just did not.

I remember writing to another writing student and sharing with her that I had no faith in my own ability at all. She wrote back and said, 'Sweetie, if you have no confidence in your own ability then we are all doomed. Everybody on that discussion board can see you have ability.' More bullshitting. It was kind, but it didn't mean anything to me.

Conversely, I took constructive criticism very personally. I didn't disagree with it. It just went straight to my soul as a wound. High Distinctions did little to deter me from my fundamental belief that I was winging it somehow; tricking them.

Towards the end of the course another writing student asked for stories for her online literary magazine. I sent her a story that I wrote immediately the course was over. It was a story for myself; relief from the academic rigours of the MA; kinky. She liked it and published it. But, guess what? I showed it to no-one and only mentioned it in passing to the family. She asked for more. I have yet to provide them.

Then, something shifted. I had read Elizabeth Strout's The Burgess Boys and loved it. I listened to her being interviewed on a podcast and something about her comments about her writing life resonated with me. Then, I starting reading Colm Toibin - his collection of short stories The Empty Family, and two of his novels, Brooklyn and Nora Webster. I listened to everything I could find where he was being interviewed. Then, I returned to Strout and did the same thing.

Ever so gradually it began to sink into my psyche; the sort of writer that I was, what it was possible to do, and how it was possible to do it; that I'd make many mistakes before I could produce something I was happy with; that I wasn't a normal person at all but a writer who must write; that the events and preoccupations of my life were enough to create many stories.

I am what is known as a spare writer, and a writer who needs to create characters with rich internal worlds, and that was acceptable. But, I needed to work on creating muscular sentences. I needed to sit down every day and write so that the writing would improve. I wasn't talentless, but nor could I be lazy. This is what I learned from those podcasts and Utube videos. God bless the Internet.

In the past few weeks my internal world has changed. The possibilities seem endless. I am beginning to talk to my family in a new way. My writing is my work I told them; not housework or cooking or arranging things. I'll do my share, I said, the lion's share, of course. But, I wanted them to pull in too. I want time to sit and hone my craft.

On Tuesday, I noticed myself slip. I'd exercised in the morning and the plan was to get to my Meditation group at noon. However, the state of the house overwhelmed me. In the end I wasn't going to be able to meditate in a group knowing that I had endless things to do at home. I stayed home and sorted so that I could write later in a clear and tidy space. In my defence I am not the sort of person that needs to clean the entire house in order to write, but nor can I alter my mind such that I can write surrounded by mess. It's not even an excuse. It's just the environment I need to be able to enter my sub-conscious and draw out what I need for the scenes.

I remembered this morning a lovely man who was a correspondent of mine for some time. He wasn't shy in sharing his opinions with me and he said that it was funny that I longed to travel and yet I loved to be at home. I finally figured this out. I do desperately want to write. It's a huge need. I look to the outside world for inspiration and energy, but I look to my internal world and my home as the place where creativity lives. This makes home very important to me.

I have a very long way to go, but there is a modicum of belief in myself right now. I have my fingers crossed that I can build on this small start.

Loneliness

When we harbour an emotional pain, especially one that we have carried from childhood, there can be glimpses of that old feeling in what appears to be random moments. I've glimpsed my childhood loneliness in moments of stillness early in the evening when it is time to close the curtains in my bedroom. The sense of loneliness comes to me for an instant, a returning shadow. There is a feeling of heaviness, like a weight or anchor is holding me to the spot. I acknowledge its presence, the moment moves on into the next moment. I get on with my evening tasks and the feeling goes away. I've had a vague sense of understanding of these moments of hurt over time but I haven't dwelled on them. We tend not to do that. It's called denial.

As uplifting as the vast majority of my experiences have been in a power exchange, I have experienced moments of what I will call 'loneliness' through that connection also. In some acute way a particular experience, or just words, would tap into a deep emotional pain that made me want to run from the dynamic and end the pain. Eventually - a minute, an hour, a day, or a week later - the feeling would pass and I'd realize that I couldn't run from it, needed it. There was nothing else to do but to return the pain to its deep recesses in my mind and to hope that it didn't return; to attempt to mitigate the possibility of those same scenarios playing out in the same way.

For the past few months those feelings of what I am going to call 'loneliness' returned repetitively, almost to a point where they were with me more than they were absent. I can only guess that my mind had reached a point where it was ready to interrogate the feeling.

I read voraciously online and I had a stroke of good luck. I came across two reputable therapists of long standing who had written books about this word that kept speaking to me - co-dependency - and I sent for both of them.

Co-dependency, I have learned, is a symptom of trauma. No-one intends these traumas but not everyone is designed for parenthood and, unfortunately, all children have the same needs, regardless of the quality of the parenting style. In the face of a narcissistic parent, a parent who needs to feel special in their own way, children must determine a way to cope. My way of coping was to be good, quiet, no trouble; to keep my feelings to myself; to provide the space and caring they needed, whilst not getting the care I needed.  This is nobodies fault. It is just the way it played out.

Sensing that there is something significant about these moments of 'loneliness' I intentionally explored my experiences for an explanation. I have been surrounded by family all my adult life, and their friends, who love/like me very much. I've the opportunity to see my friends and acquaintances when I choose and those friendships are warm. I am not alone, and still I was feeling deep loneliness.

Of course, it is the quality of the connections you make that factors into a sense of loneliness or not. A couple of years ago now I had a single session with a healer type of person and I remember now that he said to me 'You don't give anybody all of you, do you?' My response was immediate, 'No, I don't.' I knew that deep in my bones, but I didn't know why. I didn't know that I carried shame (is 'shame' the right word...?)  that needed to be hidden, even from myself.

When a co-dependent meets someone who has also suffered a similar sort of childhood trauma (e.g. neglect or conditional love only), a dominant type of person, the sense of comfort and arousal is immense. The pull towards him is magnetic. The force field is as strong as an addict towards his drug of choice. The experience can be electrifying and joyous. But, for someone like me that power dynamic can also result in a sense of isolation for a number of reasons.

It is often said by a submissive or a dominant that the other "completes" them. But, what if you have two underdeveloped people - two half-people that need each other to make one complete person? It is only when there are two individuated people that there can be one healthy relationship.

If I am correct in this analysis, then I have no alternative but to address the co-dependency, for as much as I love power exchange so much of the time, the low times are overwhelming for me.

So, how does one heal from this dilemma left over from childhood experiences; from core needs not being met? My reading says the answer lies in self-love. As I come to understand the problematic issues that can relate to the power exchange dynamic and that have affected my life, I feel stronger.

Unconditional love

If one wanders about a site like tumblr enough, criss-crossing from one account to the next, one might come across material which on the surface is quite offensive to one's sensibilities. I'm never quite sure if a man is having a great deal of fun setting up a site making claims about a woman's purpose being merely to satisfy his appetites, or if he genuinely means it, but I do know that I can't 'follow' that sort of thing; can't endorse it publicly.

This is a slightly annoying situation because the facts are that I enjoy reading through and looking at the pictures on those sites. Without 'following' those sites I invariably lose track of them, which is such a pity. I am instinctively incredibly aroused by them, even when my intellectual mind tells me that they are offensive. In fact, nothing turns me on quite as fast as these photographs and statements, which confuses even me at times.

Getting into that 'fucktoy' state of mind is liberating for me because it gives me access to my slutty side without having to worry about the possible repercussions of those sites and mindsets in the real world; without having to worry about anyone being hurt by them. I can savour thoughts of being treated in this way myself; a mindless toy, always ready for use.

In the same way that I am not always the 'fucktoy', most men who want a fucktoy in their lives don't want to behave like a 'doll owner' all the time, and this is what separates fact and fiction. Appetites are stronger sometimes than others and attention is sometimes drawn away to other goals and responsibilities. Life carries on. Still, under the surface these predilections remain and can be drawn upon effortlessly when the circumstances of life are in line.

Most men understand that even women inclined to 'fucktoy' sensibilities are multi-dimensional beings who carry their share of responsibilities, duties, worries and preoccupations. I'd not be at all surprised to discover that the authors of these 'feminism is what is wrong with the world' sites are actually sensible men who instinctively know that they are turning women like me on in droves. (Even so, I can't follow them. Sigh.)

Perhaps it's the training, which from the outset ensured that I never used words like 'Master' or 'slave', but I just don't like these honorifics at all. It strikes me as quite false to use them, because if the relationship is such that one knows one's role and status, there's absolutely no need for this sort of thing. If it is a turn on, then, of course, fine, but I've not found it to turn me on at all.What is a turn on for me is the fact that it is understood that I need to forego my womanhood in order to rescue 'the slut' and the mindless sex toy who enjoys debasement. It's all a bit silly to suggest that I need direction in all aspects of my life when I simply do not need that direction. I'm already goal-driven. I need help to be goal-less.

When we become a doll, or a slave, or whatever language you want to use for the state of grace when we give ourselves to another to transform according to their will, it's a form of acceptance - acceptance of ourselves in whatever state or appearance; a deep love shared. We take off any masks we have been wearing for others out there and we reveal ourselves as to what is at our core.

It's interesting to me that sometimes as parents we are asked to perform the same kind of 'magic' for our children, to love them unconditionally and to accept them for who they are. Unfortunately, parents so often, perhaps just subliminally, lace their love with some conditions as to performance, and I think this is where it can get confusing for children. There are standards of behaviour, of course, but we are all who we are, at our core, and this must be recognized, acknowledged, and accepted by those people who have borne us. Life is so much easier this way.

As soon as we can reveal ourselves to someone, a lover (as in the person who loves us), we begin to relax and to feel at home with ourselves. This is exactly what a child requires of a parent. We are who we are and who we are is deserving of love by those with whom we have the closest bond. It is all about love. Always.

The need for dominance

The way you can tell if you are a naturally attuned submissive, it seems to me, is how you respond to a lack of dominance in your life. It could be for any reason - you've mutually agreed to end your relationship, or to have a break in the arrangement, or your dominant is busy and preoccupied, or you've asked for a break from the dominance yourself. The outcome for you, no matter the reason, is a sense of loss and disequilibrium. Far from the unequal nature of the D/s relationship providing this disequilibrium, as some people may judge it,  the submissive mind processes the so-called equality that she finds herself sharing with the dominant - present or absent - as deeply disquieting.

To go one step further, I think the submissive who finds herself without a dominants input can experience that as feeling unloved. The simple fact is that a submissive mind such as mine views dominance as an act of love and thus it doesn't strike her as illogical that a lack of dominance can be viewed as love having disappeared from her life.

I'm not saying that I can't have moments of happiness and joie de vivre without a feeling of dominance hovering over my head. It doesn't prevent me from revelling in a piece of classical music or a favourite CD, from enjoying arranging a vase of flowers or having a conversation with an interesting person. I can forget that foreboding sense of loss that hovers over me most of the time when dominance is absent from my life, but what I can't do at such times is feel even fleetingly as if all is right with my world.

I have wondered if this sense of loss is about losing challenge, but it is too simplistic an answer since I can challenge myself in others ways and remain feeling incomplete. No, what I miss is the opportunity to sink deep into my inner world because he has sunk deep into his inner world. He is the conduit to my sense of peace because his natural and instinctive desire to be the boss together with his understanding that I need a boss allows me to fly free.

If I am truly honest here, reveal the inner workings of my mind, I need that boss to not waver.  It is no favour to me to not provide the necessary discipline, in spite of the fact that I truly loathe being in trouble. I can't even begin to tell you how much I despise being punished for misdeeds because my punishments are decided from the short list of those things I utterly loathe. Yet, when I have trawled through all the negative emotions over that time I always return to the fact that nothing could possibly be more challenging to me than no dominance at all.

I occupy myself with many activities and thoughts in a week but it is remarkable how often my mind returns to some element of the D/s dynamic. It is in moments when I am reminded of what I should and should not do (a very few examples might be when I get ready for bed and it is time to insert a plug, or after dinner when I remind myself that I am not meant to eat anything else until the next day, or when I go the nail salon and give instructions as to the shape of my nails, or how I respond when I am approached sexually, or what I determine to wear in the morning...) that I experience comfort. Dominance has formed a part of my life, lightened by load, made me feel beautiful, cherished and loved. Each moment my mind returns to this reality, it fills me with a sense of gratitude and I live over once again the wonder that someone has allowed me to live as I was designed to live, as I naturally entered this world.

I wish I could report it differently but the facts are that without a strong sense of submitting to a fairly unwavering dominant I feel discombobulated to the point where it is very hard to get through the night without waking for long stretches. In fact, this is when I feel it the most. The days are not nearly as bad as those moments when my sub-conscious is allowed to roam during sleep. 'Something's wrong' it seems to say and suddenly I am wide awake, pining, wanting, deeply desiring what I don't have: restrictions, demands, limits and rules. I lay my head on the pillow and pray that I may sleep through to morning, but it is rarely the case when I am a free agent.

I know enough that in all situations I must adhere to a certain way of structuring my life and of thinking about myself and the processes of my day. To abandon what I know to do, just because I am on my own for any length of time is the path to a sense of feeling dysfunctional and unloved. I stay the course. This is how I get by. But, to feel cherished; to feel at peace within my own mind such that a full night's sleep is mine there must be that person who is the conduit to a sense of peace and well being. We all need nourishment, hydration, shelter and sleep. To my list of needs I would add, dominance.

Energy supply

One of the benefits of relationships is that when one is 'down' the other can be the one who is 'up'; that is, can provide the energy for the other. That's a commonly held thought.

Though, I don't think it necessarily works that way. If one person has no energy to give, it can leave the other flat too.

Yes, I think the 'submissive' can become needy of the Dominant's energy: the one who is the prescribed 'rock' of the relationship.

Though, it's often the bottom of the relationship that actually provides the energy through her willingness to be the bottom.

Energy levels rise and fall in what is probably a range of cycles: winter/summer, heat/cold, slow times of the year/fast times of the year, hard work periods/vacations, menstrual cycles, age, challenges like depression/chronic fatigue/bi-polar. A period of hard play is probably followed by a period of not much play. And, so it goes...

Top of my list of thoughts today is this: that it probably is not a good idea at all for the 'bottom' to rely on, or feel that he/she needs the energy of the Dominant. It probably is a good idea to notice that the Dominant's energy is not available to her, but it shouldn't, ideally, leave her feeling fraught.

Better for her to rely on her own resources by accepting this reality of energy levels rising and falling because even Dominant types do get weary and overwhelmed, especially if they haven't slept too well or for long enough of late.

The prevailing thought I have is that as a 'bottom' there can be a strong need to be loved. The Top provides attention for the bottom, in whatever form that comes, and that attention is interpreted as being 'loved' by so many of us. So, if the attention is lacking, it may seem logical to assume that there is a lack of love, when this 'logic' fails to supply the correct answers.

The answer seems to lie in reminding oneself that one is actually very full of love already. If you think of your reaction to a child, or a husband, or a mother, or a dog, or a baby, or two lovers kissing in the street it will become apparent to you that love is deep within you; that you are actually a bottomless pit of love.

Didn't you well up with pride when your son did that somersault, or your daughter made you a mud pie, or when your husband brought home those half dead flowers? Did it not make you go "Awwww" and laugh when the man on the screen at half time grabbed his girl and gave her a smooch on the mouth in front of the crowd at the game? You don't need to be loved. You are already 'love'.

No need to concern yourself with the temporary lack of energy. Just shine your love out into the world and feel the energy rise up in your own body and mind. That will hold you until the cycles kicks over because, fortunately, cycles do have a tendency of going round and round and round...

The place of writing in healing

Around about now, about five or so days after I have I written in this web journal, I'm ready to write something again. There's some thought that has been mulling about my head that eventually comes out in words on this page.

This isn't entirely welcome really. The part of me that is referred to as 'bimbo' - that entity that has no time or space for worrying thought - isn't the least concerned with expression through words (logical thought and the dictates of good English) and hence entries here aren't seen as positive for her.

'Bimbo' is not at all encouraged to worry. Worrying thoughts are really off limits. She'll be heard but that's it. Her worrying will be cut off at the pass. She's not to worry, she's told. She's to apply herself to bimbo thoughts. If she persists she's reminded that this is not acceptable. It's not her place to worry.

Once upon a time, I was troubled by this situation. It felt that the part of me that is not remotely bimbo, inclined to fuss and stress over other people's grief, for example, was not being validated. What I've come to see is that this strong tendency (who I am I kidding, it's a rule) to not allow me to stress out and to direct me to return to my bimbo roots, is a great blessing.

As I become more and more comfortable with embracing bimbo, the simple side of my nature that longs for someone else to take charge, to give direction and to insist that I stop worrying and being troubled by what happens to other people - their challenges, their grief, their troubled souls - I'm much more quickly able to release myself from having to feel the pain of the world as if it were my own. As this has happened, I'm sometimes lost for a topic on this web journal. It's not possible to sit and write logically about a topic when I'm perfectly happy just existing; just living; not requiring words.

I simply adore the release of 'bimbo speeki'. With no need whatsoever to spell correctly, to capitalize, or even to be grammatical, I'm released from the real world and given permission to enter 'wonderland'. I'm given the key to the trapdoor. 'Fuck this world. I'm going to wonderland.' Yes, the bimbo laughed at that and related to that.

It's magical there. It's a world where pleasure is the number one priority. There's discipline, for sure. A bimbo is subject to following instructions and sometimes those instructions are very challenging. However, in the bimbo state of mind all instructions are perfectly fine. Challenges are welcome. New ways of thinking and opportunities to draw down walls that may have held the bimbo back are torn down.

It's  not easy to explain the process whereby the bimbo is encouraged to be free at the same time as she is kept under a close eye and made to do as she is told. It is something of a contradiction, I think. Yet, this is the way that it is. Constrained quite tight she has the freedom to fly high. She's given the magic feather and there she goes; marvelously invigorated by sticking to the plan laid out for her.

No words can convey what this means to me. To think that anyone is willing to devise for me a plan that brings me such a sense of liberation and ease; that anyone is willing to be patient enough with me to wait and wait for me to reach goals that allow that sense of liberation; that's the fairy dust right there; that's the key to wonderland.

Sometimes I say, because I simply must, 'Thank you. Thank you for this' and those words are met with some degree of discomfort, because the truth, apparently, is that it's not being done just for me.

That leads me to wonder. Does anyone do anything completely selflessly? A parent may think they are selfless but deep down all relationships we have say something about us; about our needs and wants; about what fulfills us; completes us; sustains and restores us.

That I don't write here as often as I once did is a good thing. I am resolving my mind's questions and doubts in a quieter way; much more conscious that to give my mind a rest is not to write more, but to write less; that to restore my mind to a peaceful state I can empty my mind; find refuge in the bimbo state; this moment; this status and position.

Emotional needs

I often use the word 'care' here. For example, I've often expressed the opinion that dominance is a form of 'care' in my mind. On a website called Marriage Builders Dr. Harley writes that, "As it turns out, care in marriage is doing what it takes to make each other happy".

It's well worth a few minutes to read what he has to say because it identifies the emotional needs of most people and notes that each person may put those needs in a different order. For instance, admiration may be more important to one person, higher on the list, than affection is to another. Or, 'family commitment' may be more important to one person, or higher on their list, than 'sexual fulfillment' is to another. Once those needs have been identified in each person, the other person needs to make for quality time to have those emotional needs of the partner met.

In a separate link on the site Dr. Harley has written out a 'Policy of Joint Agreement'. It boils down to this one golden rule:

'Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your partner.'

He explains the rule in this way. "In marriage, your interests and your spouses interests should be considered simultaneously. One of you should not suffer for the benefit of the other, even willingly, because when either of you suffer, one is gaining at the other's expense. If you both care about each other, you will not let the other suffer so that you can have what you want. When you are willing to let the other sacrifice for you, you are momentarily lapsing into a state of selfishness that must somehow be corrected before damage is done. The Policy of Joint Agreement provides that correction."

If this statement is considered in terms of a power exchange, more than one interpretation about a power exchange relationship can be made. Let's face it, the dominant may very well say that he wants something because...well, because he (or she) wants it. It's somewhat immaterial to him, in the moment perhaps (?), that he or she doesn't necessarily have a genuine enthusiastic agreement from the partner. Then again, if it is non-consensual consent that's been given, and that's what they both like and want, at least on some level, maybe the rule of 'enthusiastic agreement' doesn't apply.

That said, the dominant who wishes to maintain a relationship in good order really has no choice but to seek enthusiastic agreement for what he or she wants because a life lived with someone who either does not feel in enthusiastic agreement with the partner, or does not seek enthusiastic agreement of the partner, is in for unhappy times. It's undeniable that a happy union is made up of TWO (or more) happy people.

Some people have a mindset that can ignore the good order of this rule. First, there is the type of person that gives in to the other, regardless of his or her own feelings. They make do. They try to let their own feelings go. They accommodate. They accept. They do their best under the difficult circumstances of not feeling in enthusiastic agreement.

The other type of person is inclined to want his or her way. They have difficulty focusing on the fact that they've bullied the other person, in small or large measure. They see their way as the best way and disinclined to negotiation or to ensuring that the other is giving their agreement enthusiastically (their unenthusiastic agreement being more than enough, for perhaps they'd have their own way without agreement at all) they simply assert their position and proceed with their own plan.

Of course, neither position is good. It's no better, really, to give in than it is to insist on one's way regardless of how the other feels. It ultimately breeds resentment. It ultimately leads to one partner feeling disconnected from the other; uncared for; unloved.

If you have a submissive nature, and if you see that certain things matter very deeply to the other, if you know that your lack of agreement will cause disharmony, pouting, angry and/or loud arguments, you're likely to put your own needs to one side. The big question is, can you do this forever? No loving partner should really ever ask this of a submissive soul. It's taking advantage, I think, of her unselfish nature; her desire for harmony even at her own cost; her strong penchant to want to give and to serve the other; to sacrifice.

This is where assertiveness skills come in. We need to express our feelings, our desires and needs in such a way that it is clear what matters to us. Even if we have given our consent to the other to decide, those decisions must be made with a full understanding of what makes us happy. A person who takes on full decision making for another human being must ask a lot of questions or assumptions about the other's emotional needs, and/or neglect of those emotional needs will come back to bite him. If the dominant should choose to go ahead and do what he wants, regardless of the cost to the submissive, regardless of how those emotional needs are in jeopardy, he runs a huge risk, because each person's emotional needs must be met to ensure the happiness of the union.

I like the above website. It's not at all designed for power exchange relationships but it has some very important things to say about how to remain a happily married (committed) couple. In the end, whatever the union, power exchange or not, people's emotional needs must be met. 

My love affair

This is an exercise I have begun - a daily writing exercise wherein I don't try to be clever or profound, just allow the words to come through me - whatever comes, comes. This is what came today. It interested me to read it over because I do often feel that my writing life is a illicit love affair - that I steal whatever time I can to be by myself with the page. They are supportive, for sure, but not entirely comfortable with this continuous caller. So, I take my chances where I can and try not to have them offended by the blank page that I find so intoxicating. I love them all, but the blank page calls and I am off dancing again.


'The world as I see it is lives in my fingertips. No matter how close I feel to people around me, how interested I am in what is going on about me, I need to experience the world through my fingertips. The thoughts, feelings and impressions that resonate through my mind and body need to find expression by being transplanted onto a page.

I have a special relationship with the blank page. It craves to be filled just as I crave to be emptied and freed from those thoughts. Those thoughts and impressions need a home, away from me; separate to me.

It is too crowded, my head. If the thoughts aren’t transferred to the page they rummage about in my brain, never quite taking any particular shape. The page gives them some shape, not necessarily a final destination, but the page is a holding place until my brain reads the words and determines what to do with them – eliminate them, ignore them, transform them; tease and manipulate them until they form an acceptable shape; until some patterns emerge.

I remain unconvinced that this relationship I have with the page is understood. There is a certain jealousy felt; a sense of competition raids the air; a need to disrupt and influence the meeting as if it were the enemy. The very notion that the page matters most must be dispelled and only evidence such as me not spending quiet, uninterrupted time with the page is good enough.

I comply. I endeavor to stay away from the page and to be able to live this way – in the moment, surrounded by other people’s words. For a time it is enough, until the page demands my attention; insists that it be filled with my thoughts and words.

The page was my first intense, love affair. It will also be my last. However, only I can know this fact. We meet in the dark, in the early morning, in stolen moments during the day. I’m his muse and he’s my dominant. I do as he says. I am at his beck and call. I do his bidding. Honestly, I simply can’t stay away. I’m besotted. Hooked.'

Kinks

A week ago I delivered an ultimatum to my husband - either he pursue some further assistance for himself and make efforts to explore his condition psychologically, rather than just from a bodily perspective, or else we'd have to think about whether our paths might need to diverse in the future. I asked him, quite simply, to do it for me. Even if he didn't believe there was a single benefit to be had by exploring his mind for answers, I wanted him to do it for me.

He responded to that and at this stage he has agreed to pursue it immediately. That is to say, we've had conversations in the past where he agreed to do this but he did not follow through. In other words, it was a hollow promise. So, this time I made the appointment and gave him the necessary information.

What we are dealing with is his overall malaise but also we are dealing with the fact that I have a kink and he does not. After so long, once the Pandora's box was opened it was never going to satisfactorily close, and my kink remains. I don't anticipate that it will ever go away. I crave to be lovingly dominated. I crave for my whole self to be present in my life, day by day.

Life without sex as I'd like it to be is hard. Life with very little sexual activity at all, as if we are living together as very good friends, borders on insufferable for me. I know that millions of couples end up this way somewhat satisfactorily, but it is something I am finding too hard to bear.

I've been to my doctor to talk about this situation and he's referred me back to my psychologist whom I will see tomorrow. I plan to be much more direct with her about who I am and what I need in my life. I will not leave my school aged son prematurely but I cannot and will not live a life that demands that I quash my kink on all but the oddest occasions.

I did not ask for this kink and nor can I do much about it. As it has been denied expression it simply grows in hunger and a demand to be expressed. There is no answer in denying its existence, either via my efforts to assure myself I will be all right (I won't), nor by my husband's going about our lives as if it did not exist and as if he has no part to play.

Further (and more truthful and explicit) therapy hopefully will hold the key as to where we go from here, but the simply truths are that:

1) I have a kink/fetish that requires a loving dominant in my life.
2) It doesn't go away by willing it to do so.
3) Either my partner in life is willing to accommodate my kink in his life or he is not.
4) I must make decisions about the rest of my life based on the above criteria.

Loving two men

What fascinates me is how life keeps changing and we keep changing but that fundamentally we don't change. We can gain great insight, but at the core we simply do not change. I think that for quite some time I fought against that and to some extent I always will.

I happen to be one of those people, perhaps caught up in the mix of a difficult personal dilemma, that wanted to explore and understand what was happening to her inside. I think Jane Fonda did something similar. Conscious that she didn't feel "whole", that she wasn't able to bring "her whole self" to the table in her marriage with Ted Turner, she left a man she loved and decided to build a new life for herself. That's no small thing. It takes a lot of courage to do that.

I listen to TED talks regularly and in her talk about vulnerability Brene Brown talked about her research and how "wholehearted people" have the courage to be imperfect, to tell who they are with their whole heart; be compassionate with themselves and with others.

I think I've embraced vulnerability in this web journal. I think I've talked about myself with my whole heart. I've explored what I do wrong and I what I do right. I've be open to growing and exploring. I've been open to changing. I did change. I learned a great deal, not just about myself but how to be a better person. Most of all I learned to accept. But, the very core of me; what I'd love to have, experience and feel - that's just the same. That didn't change. That won't change.

Here's what I know. I married very young. I was only 24 years old and I really didn't know enough about myself to be choosing a partner for the rest of my life. It's the lucky 24 year old that does manage to do that. Yet, in so many ways we have been very well suited. There must have been some good and natural instincts that were aiding me and I married a good man; a kind man. We both wanted children and to be part of a family and we really were, as much as anyone can be, good parents. There is an enormous amount of love going around our family. Most important of all, all the children feel that they are 'good enough'. All the children believe that they are worthy of love and belonging, and as Brene Brown says, that is the real job of parents.

I'm someone who thrives on sexual and physical attention; the sort of romantic love where I feel someone is leading the way. The fucktoy 'cindi' wasn't created for me. It was simply brought out with higher definition. It's always been this way. I radiate with that sort of sexual attention and I suffer when I feel that the relationship has, in my eyes, dwindled down to a more vanilla style marriage. Even in a vanilla style marriage, he leads the way. I don't interfere, nor really ask at all about finances, because he doesn't want me to and I abide by that.

Even in a vanilla marriage I've learned to be calm, patient, to repeat what I say endlessly; to be respectful; kind, caring; giving; loving. I maintain my standards. He can be overbearing (he's really very dominant in that he wants things his way) and I use breathing techniques if I find myself too upset. If I need to approach him with my distress, I do so in a calm and considered way. I've learned a lot of communication techniques along the way.

Most of all, I give him the private and personal time he needs. I aim now never to complain about his screen and working time that can have him up until the middle of the night many nights in a row, leading him to wear himself out. I take my opportunities to remind him of good daily practices: exercise and sleep. I encourage him to keep his worrying to specified times.  I encourage him to walk with me; to have breakfast out with me; to go to the movies with me. I continue to suggest and he'll take me up on these ideas. I keep trying to forge a connection in any way I can without it impinging too much on my life. I'm  not good at sitting on the couch each evening, for example. I admit I'd rather do something else; read a book; satiate my BDSM desires by reading online.

There are times when he can thrill me. I'm not sure if these are times when he makes a big effort for me or if a moment has come when he has a desire himself to be darker. Either way, I get enormous benefit from these times. My love for him is deeper; stronger. My love of my life escalates and my spirits rise. They are the times when I write with positive spirit here in the journal. Know that any time I am happy here I have been roughly and rudely fucked.

The times in between those times can be very hard. I make every effort to live each moment with joy; to make the most of my days and to really live life. I can and always have taken great joy in a great many things and I was blessed with a sense of the ridiculous. I love to giggle and to be silly. But, I cannot deny that if I knew then, at 24 years old, what I know now I would need to take into my account my nature; the nature that persistently asks for a dominant man; the nature that asks in every bone of my being for a man to lead the way, not just in a financial sense or a father of the family sense, but in terms of a dominant man leading a submissive woman, in the bedroom and out.

The truth is that I want to feel the fucktoy at all times, whatever I am doing. I want demands made of me. I want to feel that dominant presence in my life; for the person who I know myself to be to be present; desired; relevant.

Here I am, almost wishing that age would eliminate my deep desires. But, I'm here to tell you that no matter how old you grow, they don't go away. They only increase in demand. And, here I am still loving the man I married 33 years ago; still trying to come to terms with the dilemma.

(Here's the link to the Brene Brown talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html)

Balancing the needs of kink

Kink doesn't lose any traction over time. It only gets stronger and more demanding.`These desires can overwhelm the mind, take up more and more time until there can come a moment when one registers that perhaps one is out of balance; perhaps one should try hard to think about something else.

When in the midst of one's kink, either satiated, or with a lustful appetite for more expression of the kink, there's a sense that one probably should leave the table for one's own health. Yet, there is more meat on the bone, more trifle, Camembert cheese; more chocolates in the box. And, these banquets don't happen every day. Why not a little more?

It can happen to one person or both; that moment when one simply has to stop ingesting; simply has to stop partaking of the delicious treats. That's not a bad thing. It's an acknowledgement to oneself to go a little slower perhaps; to acknowledge that we can be in the grip at times of our own lust.

I don't advocate and am too far into these processes to ever again STOP what I know does me a heap of good. Kink, for me, doesn't work like that. My needs are my needs and they don't go away for very good reasons. It's not some game for me but rather a real need for my body to experience what it does on a daily basis. It's a treatment of sorts and if you take away the treatments I go down hill very fast.

However, it's no bad thing to redistribute daily life every so often. It's been cold and dull here for far too long but the sun has begun to make an appearance late in the day these evenings and it prompts me to get out and about more; to spread my creativity across various pursuits as a form of personal expression; to interact with creative sorts on various non digital platforms and to enjoy my life in every way.

I don't mean that I should suddenly make a bunch of decisions to counteract my desire to make no decisions at all. That would not work. I need my 'bimbo' time. I adore it too much. What I mean is that the longing for the bimbo state can have me going too slow; leave me in a rather catatonic state where the longing for it becomes too much. The longing can hurt me and be counter-productive and if there's no real solution presenting itself in my life right now as to consistency of that experience, then there comes a time when I need to turn the longing off, for my own sake.

The kink won't, and need not go away. It's here to stay. I have no power to alter this nor do I wish to do so. Yet, there is so much of life to explore and it's time I did just a little more of that. It's all about balance - simply redistributing the thoughts patterns so that they are more in line with what works ideally. The formula for that is within the mind of each kinkster, according to the limitations and precinct of one's life as led with other people. Following one's intuition is really the only way to reconstruct balance.