Building a Successful Life

In terms of a power exchange relationship people talk of the arrangement sometimes as an energy exchange. Different people have different things to say. I've heard and read of it as an exchange of two different types of personality, 'She loves to give and I love to take, so it works for both of us.'

I've thought of it as an ideal combining of two different types of people; one who enjoys taking the lead and one who is happy to be led. Not that nearly anyone wants to be led in all ways and at all times, but rather the relationship can express the synchronicity of the coupling and then details can be adjusted as required.

The lovely things to be said about an energy exchange between such people all imply that the relationship is undertaken with intelligence, with intention and with respect. There needs to be some consistency, acknowledgement of strengths and weaknesses, together with an awareness that life challenges will interfere with smooth sailing at times. It needs to be real.

A psychologist is likely to be concerned about power relationships if they get the sense that the relationship looks more like an Empath being taken advantage of by a Narcissist. Empaths can become what is known as pathological givers. They tend to feel that if they give to the Other what he or she needs, they will be loved and be given what they need automatically. The narcissist doesn't necessarily feel this way or indeed follow that sort of thinking.

This is probably what separates a power exchange that is healthy from one that is unhealthy. If both people have their needs met, who can argue with that? But, if one person has permanently unmet needs, that's not a good thing.

People whose needs are not met would do well to explain themselves, but there is no guarantee that this will sort the matter out. There may be an uptick in reciprocity but chances are only average that there will be a permanent change in mindset. It is the rare person, and particularly so if they have a demanding or set disposition, that can change themselves to suit another person.

The empath/submissive can be so frustrated that she might rage but ultimately he or she must accept the reality of being locked into a relationship that lacks reciprocity; where the Other is unable to feel his or her pain.

Putting aside this relationship for a moment and considering all relationships in our lives, what is a wise way to think about them as a whole? Some friendships are deeper - and smoother - than others, but as we age we come to see that all friendships and all relationships have an internal mechanism.

As much as we might like to get to know someone more intimately, or to feel closer to a friend, or to wish that the waitress in the Diner who brings us our chicken salad sandwich would crack a smile, there is only so much we can do to change these circumstances.

I believe that there are ways we can influence relationships. Speaking to someone with a respectful tone when explaining what you want them to do makes the exchange more friendly as a rule. If someone begins to shout staying calm can help them to settle. We can do what we know to do. But, we can't change people's intentions or motivations or personality.

In the same way we can talk to someone with whom we exchange energy in a power exchange, but it doesn't guarantee change. It depends on their drivers - their level of distraction, their understanding of what is important in their minds; what they want. This is a relationship no different to any other really except for the fact that it could be a parasitic relationship, and that's dangerous.

Some relationships are very stressful. When someone is on the alert for the changes of mood of someone, walking on eggshells, looking out for red flags, that's very stressful. Apart from the psychological pain that ensues, the body is subject to chronic inflammation. An empath's energetic field can be so open he or she can neglect the body.

It's clear that it's no small amount of work to solve these issues when an empath or submissive has found herself in the orbit of a  Narcissist who is ambivalent. Certainly this post can't solve this complex problem except that I would like to offer three suggestions that could, in time, give such a person the strength they need to assess the situation with clarity; to make positive change.

1) A meditative practice, being the witness to your own mind, teaches you to think with clarity and awareness that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

2) Resilience is not something that we either have or don't have. You can teach yourself to go without and in doing so attain a sense of empowerment. Going without something, perhaps sugar or salt or tv for a time is a good start in this practice. As you learn that you can indeed go without you will see with clarity and discrimination what to say 'no' to, and what to say 'yes' to.

3) Develop patience. 'I can wait.' This will give you strength.

We are all made up of strengths and weaknesses and we can be grateful for both. A focus on the weaknesses is a learning prompt and encourages compassion. It is all experience. Nothing is lost.

Mind/body reading

In the process of helping out a friend I recently volunteered to have my body 'read' to aid a student of mind/body practice. In the course of doing so it was determined that although I have an open 'third eye' and a particularly loving and giving heart - that is to say not all the chakras are blocked -  I have considerable pain stored in my body. Fundamentally, I hide from the world, so the student said.

Whether we are speaking symbolically or literally, I related to the message. I certainly didn't, nor couldn't refute her words. I grew up on the top floor of my parents' business, which they worked seven days a week. They were devoted to the business and to their marriage, so being hid away, out of sight and mind of men who went there to 'drown their sorrows' was central to my life.

This childhood of mine together with being born with a quiet, contemplative disposition was a complete mismatch. I needed nurturing, to be integrated with my parents before I could go out into the world to feel safe. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

It was decided on the day of the reading that my intuition was high, an openness to new ideas apparent, but that this wisdom could be impeded by intellect. This is rather interesting to me since I am quite happy to become 'lost' in academia at the same time as I believe my value and truth is best explored through story - exploring the universality of being human on this earth, together with the specificity of character.

Also, if someone has been through the rigors of academic training the openness of ideas can only go so far before the mind springs back and asks about a person's qualifications to make certain statements. I will ultimately seek some sort of evidence; use my rational thinking mind to make an assessment about an alternative therapy.

In fact, I am by far the most joyous when I dance. My body craves rhythmic movement. There was no mention of this sort of thing, that this body that they were analyzing to death actually would have loved to move to the music in the background. I guess they were looking for the problems to fix. It's important to remember this when offered a therapy. We are all made up of attributes and deficits and a practitioner, almost by definition, will focus on the 'problem'.

Generalizations are not easy and there are always exceptions to a rule. Generally speaking, writers, particularly of fiction, hide away. That's what they do. Alone, they commune with the world through the process of writing about the world, based on their observations. They watch. They listen. They write. Apparently, I'm a watcher. No surprises there. In fact there were no surprises anywhere. I had to admit that the observations made of my body did line up for me, in one way or another. It was how the observations might be interpreted that was at issue.

I was labelled a 'submissive', not by the student who wouldn't have known that terminology but by the teacher of the student. I wasn't happy with the inference because it implied that in some way I wasn't being honest, part of the hiding. It also implied that I was not being my true self.

It's not straightforward because these sorts of people who bunker down into their modality of choice seem to suggest that there are choices when there are not necessarily choices at all. I didn't bother to say that to him exactly. I did say, 'Well, when you live with someone who insists on the dominant role, what other role is there?' I said it, not really in an open way, but in a 'let's deal with reality here, shall we?' way because two people can be sarcastic. I'm not the pushover he thinks I am.

The pushover thing, that was brought up too. My nose spoke to them, that there is a fire underneath the quiet disposition. Go too far and you'll meet my ire.That is not news to me either.

This 'combat' between the teacher and myself, some sort of effort to get me to react, was compounded in a physical way, a very strange minute. There was some doubt as to what to call my pelvis, a slightly 'tilting' pelvis perhaps. The string came out to better make that judgment until the teacher decided that the best way was to press on my pelvis. He did so, not in a careful doctor/nurse kind of way but with such force that I was in considerable pain and discomfort. An angry red weal formed on my skin. It still hurts as I write this in the middle of the night. Why did he do that?

Some of the material they wrote in their conclusions, I had offered to them, and they concurred. I told them that I had only recently played with the notion of self-love and was working on generating those feelings in myself. I was working on being a separate person, not enmeshed, not responsible for the decisions made without my input and with any desire for my input. Though, I was angry about that, the lack of input and I said that, but in a controlled way. I decided to remain controlled in a day of stupidity really.

In fact at times I actually chose to disassociate from what was happening to me. I chose not to listen as they said confronting things about me as if I wasn't there. I only really got angry when I left. I said my goodbyes hastily and rushed for my getaway car only to find the garage locked. Back in again to get the code and as the gates slowly drew open the thought of leaving prison entered my mind, how that's how it must feel, free from the clutches of people who could taunt and taint you.

I felt stuck, they concluded, not an unreasonable conclusion. I have a need for safety and that feeling hasn't been available to me for some time, and yet is leaving this place a safer place? To their credit there was no suggestion of this sort of thing, no attempt was made to 'solve' my dilemma outside of certain recommendations that related to deep tissue work and emotional release work to get at the locked emotional pain in my body.

As I sit here I ask of myself, 'are there negative emotions' stuck in the body?  I feel it in my throat quite regularly now and I could release it onto my mother but I don't and I won't. The constriction in my throat troubles me but it's not trapped either. It's just sitting there under the banner of 'frustration'. I see it for what it is. I work with it. I talk about it even but not to the person in question, that's all. That's reasonable, since she couldn't cope with any dissent or suggestion that her behavior hasn't been good enough.

In thinking more about this, that feeling in my throat, the constriction which they identified as 'soft tissue' also relates to my understanding over time that only intensified as we aged, that any idea I expressed to my husband would receive an immediate response. That is to say, his strong tendency towards verbal impulsivity meant that conversations could often be compromised. In the past few months, I had, I admit, given up trying.

I think my truth, something they seem to think I am keeping hidden, might actually be twofold. I'm a person trying to break free of the past, coming to terms with my past and unmet needs. I'm a person trying to break free of roles designated, putting other peoples' needs ahead of my own, such that it looks like I have no needs. I want my needs to be taken seriously. I want to feel nurtured in the same way that I have nurtured.

However, and this is the twofold aspect, there can be no doubt and there is no doubt in my own mind, that I revel in the submissive/feminine role. I feel most instinctively and naturally joyous when my heart, mind and nature is free to be me. I feel more naturally me in a dress or skirt, soft, light, free, content. This sense of abundance is felt in the submissive frame of mind which means, as I search for words that explain this feeling, that there is a dominant presence somewhere in my life, if only on the periphery.

There is the case for someone who is responsible or protective being identified as a dominant presence, but this isn't exactly what I mean. I acknowledge that no-one is rational all the time, or reasonable all the time, or even available or nurturing more than occasionally, due to their own needs and demands, or preoccupations. I take this into allowance because I must. But, acting dominant - responsible and protective - is not the quality that allows me a sense of freedom leading to a sense of submissive joy. A lawyer could be responsible and protective, or a doctor. There must be more.

To feel happy and content I need to feel safe. To feel safe, there must be calm, some element of steadiness as well as some acknowledgement of my presence. The truth is that if left to my own devices I would create the environment for myself and the life that felt most innately, creatively and aesthetically pleasing for myself and my loved ones. I really could do a better job of this than anyone else that I know. That I don't do this speaks to my submissive nature wherein I continue to allow sub-optimal outcomes to please other people's sensibilities above my own.

When I was in my late teens I was working as a part time waitress when a couple approached the Menu written on a blackboard. He was attentive to her, touching her and smiling at her. I thought, 'That's what I want, that attention and interest in my pleasure. I want to feel cherished.'

It's not having the spotlight on me, or needing someone to be there endlessly. Introverts don't want anyone there all the time. They feel they can't breathe when that happens. But, they do need regular little reminders of their worth. They do need to allow their light side to be given freedom to play; to levitate even. When the world is relatively calm such there is a sense of safety in this way, the path is cut for entry into the submissive space where I can glow on even the gloomiest day. All the body reading in the world won't pick up that subtle truth of mine. I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain to them what they don't want to learn. You on the other hand might just get it.

Perfectionism

I'm not at all sure that I am or ever was representative of women of this modern era. There is a certain blitheness about the way I go about life. In my younger days I was fairly 'live and let live' in my disposition towards others, so although I noted certain characteristics inconsistent with the way I'd do things, I wasn't particularly troubled by them. If it was wildly outside what I considered fair or reasonable I might question something perhaps, but I was in no way demanding. To use other terms, I was what is considered  as without boundaries.

Having said that, I remember telling my husband off one time in my mid twenties when I'd been waiting at the appointed spot for considerable time; a spot that wasn't comfortable to be waiting in. His sense of time was something that I had difficulty understanding. He'd say that he'd be a couple of hours when in reality he needed more like a couple of days. Or, he'd say he was coming to bed "soon" and rock up in the wee small hours of the night. He often underestimated the time it took to do something and even though he could give assurances freely that he could get something done for me, he'd struggle to tear himself away from the project at hand, or the thing that held his interest. When he did attend to the task it seemed to take an endless amount of time, for only a perfect job was satisfactory in his eyes.

The washing of the dishes was a strange affair. When we married he rushed out to buy a dishwasher, as if the lack of a dishwasher somehow implied that he had some unwanted involvement in the chore. The event stood out because making decisions was something that he often labored over for fear of making the wrong decision. When he occasionally did do the dishes it reminded me of a surgeon preparing for heart surgery. It seemed a job done with meticulous care and attention. My attempts felt sloppy in comparison, as was my packing of the dishwasher apparently for he often noted that something hadn't been done quite right.

It soon became clear that his relationship with workmen wasn't a happy one. Invariably he found fault in their attempts and he was much happier doing it himself, even if it might take a decade longer. He'd assure me we'd saved a fortune, though, as you might imagine, I  didn't see it that way. Recently an oven sat in the middle of the kitchen for 9 months as he got his head around installing it and framing it in the absolutely right way.

You'd be correct if you assumed that this has caused me a great deal of frustration over the decades. Trying to explain my frustration to him is like talking to someone from another planet. It simply doesn't compute. What matters is his sense of the fitness of things and this is determined through his own particular lens of perfectionism and obsessiveness.

Things reached a head several years ago when I found myself having the occasional conniption. I think the frustration had built to such a level that I demanded that he understand what he was doing to me. He'd apologize that he'd upset me, but then he'd talk me around to seeing things from his point of view. There was no winning this war. There was no change of perspective to be had; no recognition that he was sending his wife mad.

Naturally, I reached a point where I researched this dilemma and bit by bit I filled in the dots and created an accurate picture of what was going on. Then, I looked for solutions. Modern psychology was brutally honest with me. The person to change was me because I was the person who was able to change.

I needed boundaries. I need to express my feelings in particular ways and/or state what I needed at the particular time and in a direct but neutral way. I needed to be proactive. I needed to buy out of circular arguments. I needed to do things for myself where possible. I needed to keep in close communication and enjoy time together with him, but I also needed to understand that I had to be a free agent; to find joy in ways other than in the ways that I had intended and expected when I agreed to his marital proposal; to any marital proposal.

To my eyes, his priorities would often seem misplaced, but these were my eyes, and the common theme that remains to this day is that he was doing things in a completely necessary way and at a depth of detail that was absolutely essential for our benefit. If the need for a perfect outcome meant that the outcome was delayed, perhaps permanently, then this was the way it was.

It became a process of wrapping my head around the fact that there would be little meeting of the ways, but rather that I learn to 'let go' of certain expectations of life, of a certain living standard, of certain marital expectations, and instead focus on other ways to be  a happy, stable and fulfilled human being.

This is the face of perfectionism and of being married to a person with an obsessive-compulsive, anal retentive, perfectionist personality. If someone told me ahead of time the rocky road ahead, well, I'd have been a fool to do anything else than to find another highway. But, that's rarely the way it works out. We discover our partner's traits as we progress down the road and after the time it is easy to do a U turn.

The  five stages of grieving as outlined by Kubler-Ross are accurate; not necessarily experienced in the same order as the next person, but still, we do go through all the stages, and complete the cycle at the stage of acceptance. I have learned to accept that no change will take place. I've adapted my life, my mindset and my pursuit of happiness around it. I am at peace. I am loved, and happy. I live a good life even when, to the fly on the wall, it can look pretty darn odd. It is what it is. Come hell or high water, a perfectionist, full of love as he may be for his wife, and who attempts to make up for his oddities in other ways, is unable to change.

Tolerance

I'm a person who has considerable ability to endure. That's a relative statement, of course. I was saying to my son in the car this morning that I'd have died long before Hugh Glass (The Reverant), right about the time the bear mauled Glass. That I wouldn't have thought to eat a fish live, or the inwards of a bison, or sleep inside the carcass of a horse would be quite immaterial since I'd already be dead. But, relatively speaking, I can endure difficult situations. That my husband has wanted to live in a way that isn't in my comfort zone, well, I endure it. I tolerate it. (Note: Perhaps I should explain that the word 'tolerate' is one of my favourite words lately, in honour of a comedian who did a hilarious routine telling people with food intolerances to "tolerate it".)

Of course, when we hold in frustration, it comes out at the most unexpected moments. We were sitting outside in the gardens of the National Gallery sipping on a coffee when my husband made the statement, 'You don't want to make any decisions about business'. I went quiet. When he tried to engage me in discussion later I said, 'Of course I want a voice, why wouldn't I want a voice? You don't want me to have a voice.' Over the weekend we got into this a bit further, and guess what was the outcome? No change. Like always, no change.

Years ago, I said to my boss one day when he wanted to do something his way as per usual, 'Well why bother expressing an opinion since I don't have a vote.' And he replied, 'No. No. I want to discuss it with you at length. (Pause) And then we'll do it my way.' (Another note: Then, he smirked, loving the fact that he could have this repartee with me without me chuckling a wobbly.)

My eldest son who is up there at the Partner level of his firm made a similar statement to me one day, that he recognizes that people need to have their say, to feel listened to, and once he very respectfully does that listening, he explains that as good as their ideas are, things are going to happen the way he has determined them.

A friend of mine tried, genuinely and empathically, to convince her partner for a more rounded relationship. When the discussions completely faltered, in other words when he made the declaration that he wanted things his way and only his way, she called an end to the relationship, but misses him dearly, and I think from all accounts, he misses her. I imagine there is the possibility that things could be reignited but only if she can accept that nothing will have changed or even can change. He needs to have his way.

I've a close friend who keeps our relationship tightly managed, according to his dictates. Every now and again I freak out and explain that it's too bloody tight for me. Shove over and give me some room, some space, some allowances. But, there must be an insane side of me because as Einstein said, only an insane person does something over and over again and expects a different result.

From time to time I forget about the rigid nature of some individuals and think to myself, 'Surely this is just belligerence, and if I point it out logically and calmly, the other will see that they are being belligerent and bend.' But, this is to forget the rigidity of the rigid personality. They don't change because they can't change. They are who they are: committed to what they want. It is their nature.

Of course, no-one has just one facet to their personality. My eldest son, for example, on so many levels, is a relaxed and carefree individual. I heard him say a few days ago when a brother said he'd enjoyed wearing his jacket that he'd borrowed, 'Keep it.' Possessions aren't that important to him. He's happy to do something impulsively, last minute, if he can, and he can go with the flow in a number of ways. But at work, projects need to be done completely accurately and proficiently, meals need to be interesting and well contrived, girlfriends need to understand his desire for order and efficiency and get ready for the comments if he opens a cupboard here and discovers it is stacked with useless takeaway containers. He needs things to be a certain way and he's never going to change. He's not being churlish, he's just being himself.

I'm not at all unaware of the fact that there are rigid elements of my personality. Sometimes when I am trying to entice my husband to do a project around the house or garden and I don't get any traction I might say, 'If you think I am going to change and be the sort of person that doesn't care about the state of things at home you'll be waiting a very long time.' I am me and some things about me won't ever change. Having said that, is it not the submissively natured people of the world who are most likely to change enough to tolerate the rigidity in the Other? Sure, I blow up, but then I blow off and everything goes back to normal, me in the passanger seat.

I must surely have mentioned that I do Sound Healing Meditations and one time late last year I coughed. Bear in mind that we were laying down flat on the floor and when certain sounds were made with the Tibetan bowls I coughed, choked really. Later, the session convenor spoke to me about it and said that my voice chakra was blocked. I didn't think too much about it but in the last session a couple of weeks ago, it happened again. I mention this because in the two weeks after this I found myself voicing what I had held in; in one case, what I had held in for three years. I found myself saying what I had never properly said before; simply had not been able to find the words to stand up for myself.

Whilst it is remarkably onerous, futile really, to alter the dynamic of an exchange between certain people, finding one's voice is a whole other matter.  I wasn't asking, in that case particularly, for a change in the dynamic but I was stating absolutely categorically what was not on the table. I hadn't expressed my boundaries until then; hadn't spoken of what I had found to be utterly unacceptable. I'd just tried and tried to make it work, even though I knew it never would. And, why was that? Because what I was being asked to do was something that went against my personality, my sense of the fitness of things; my understanding of the role I play in this world; what I can do and what I can't. Because the dynamic worked I figured that I didn't have a voice; could not have a limit.

Of course, people have limits that are negotiated every day. But, dolls don't and in that particular dynamic I was 'the doll'. I can't begin to explain how vulnerable I am in that role. I enter that persona much as Leonardo became Hugh Glass - completely and persuasively. Do objects, dolls, fucktoyz have opinions, limits, boundaries? How could they when they don't even compute those big words!

It's captivating play: freeing, uplifting, mesmorizing, addictive; joyful. I do feel, however, that it is important to check in with 'the girl' at times. 'Is everything good?' you might ask a bimbo/doll and being in that slutty/object state of mind, what isn't good? Very important then to give the gal a voice from time to time. Rigid natures she can handle without complaint. Obedience is second nature to her. Holding her tongue is what she does best. But, does the girl who embodies the doll feel the same way, about every last command? It's important to ask the right persona particularly poignant questions about her life.

Regardless of a very naturally submissive nature, I do feel that everyone needs to feel in some sort of control in life; over their own behaviour, their own needs; for a sense of safety and security. It's a divine thought for me to think that a person can give their whole self over to another but it's a bit of an impossibility. We can stop our brains from thinking some of the time but we can't stop thinking all of the time. Our survival instinct demands that we use our minds. An animal, for example, may rely on an Owner for food but if the Owner is caught somewhere and cannot attend to the animal will not a smart animal do what is necessary to survive? So it is with humans. We think.

I think that we grade our relationships; grade those relationships where rigidity abounds and we assess whether the frustrations and the downsides are worth the upsides. Knowing as we eventually do that nothing is going to change and the rigidity will endure, we determine if we can tolerate it. I think there is a lot of love in this type of dynamic; empathy; tolerance; acceptance. It is a vital component.

Getting our groove back

If you make it through your child rearing years still liking and loving your spouse, there is an opportunity to create something new from the union. With more time to be alone, whether in the house or outside of it, conversations ensue that hopefully enable you to see over the horizon where intimacy and mutual understanding is at the forefront.

With two opportunities to be alone for the entire weekend in the past month we've played, but more importantly, we've talked about what we want going forward and what that might look like. He was very honest and I appreciated his honesty. He has, after all, been observing me for the past 40 year so when he shares his observations, I listen.

He said that I did best when we had a mutually agreed disciplinary relationship in place. He said that I would be nervous as the week came to a close, which he liked, and that the corporal discipline did me good; made me happy, light and youthful. He said that I would often try to provide reasons why the reckoning couldn't happen now but that it was never a good idea to listen to me; that things were best when I just let go and did as I was told. He said that we'd been together forever and that if I didn't trust him now, I never would. He'd never do anything to intentionally hurt me. Sure, the spanking would hurt but any temporary pain was for my own good, and that was all there was to that.

He said that it had never been the case that I didn't get wet over submitting to his will, and he'd never not got aroused by giving me a spanking. He said that I was wired in this particular way and that was all there was to that. He said that it hadn't always been something he wanted but that I created this 'perversion' in him and he liked that he had been taken to the dark side; was no longer bothered by it.

On both weekends he didn't give me a choice about the disciplinary side of things, nor, now that I think about it, did he offer a reason for the spanking, except to say that I needed it. He likes to insist that I stay in position even when not tied down. He tries to talk me through it, basically by using a deep voice and words that make it clear that things won't get any easier by coming up. Inevitably, however, he resorts to very contained roping where any resistance is simply against the ropes.

I do love the time he puts into securing the ropes, even whilst aware of what will happen next. When the implement comes down on my ass I attempt to refrain from yelling and screaming but more often than not he'll ask if I want something for my mouth and I, gratefully, say, 'yes, please'. It's a relief to be able to bite down on something.

With the ball gag secured yesterday, it was nice to know that I'd make less noise. There is a row of trees between the neighbours and us but something about the positioning of the house on a little hill makes for incredible echoes. I do worry I can be heard all over town! It was something of a disappointment to realize, therefore, that when the edge of a tawse catches your pussy that your scream, even with a big red ball in your mouth, will sound quite blood curdling. Fortunately, it didn't deter him from presenting his challenges.

It was nice to know that he had enjoyed his time swinging. Lost in bimbo non-thought I suddenly found myself having the ball gag removed so that it could be replaced with a hard, demanding cock that wanted to fill the hole instead.

On the way home in the car I asked him, 'Do you want to go back to keeping a black book then?' I thought he'd jump at this. I'd asked specifically; committed. But, I think he had his own ideas, already formulated.

'Maybe one day you'll find that this process has already begun.'

My husband couldn't be more aware of the fact that I like surprises; predicaments. I am hopeless as the one in control and I very much prefer to be led in nearly any situation.

I was delighted when, last Friday, we shopped together, a rare experience for us. The girl had me trying on a garment which she thought fitted well, but when my husband saw me he immediately said it wasn't right and had her bring another style, which was much more flattering. Later, I thanked him for the garment and especially for getting involved in the selection. I revealed to him that the purchases I make myself really don't do much for me. I want to feel the power exchange in so many facets of my life. This, instinctively, is what makes me happy and content. This is what feels authentic.

The defining moment

In the process of learning how to be a script writer I've been required to come up with an idea for a feature film. It's not insignificant what we are required to do, in fact. One has to decide on a theme, and to plot out a story from beginning to end, as well as to write the first act of the film as a script. Some weeks, we have to take a break from that assignment to consider other possible versions of our central theme - perhaps to turn the single protagonist story to a multi protagonist structure, or to consider how one would turn the material around to be a one act show.

If you consider one act shows there is often a central moment. If you consider your own life there may be one central moment. (I strongly recommend you write a diary, but not what you did that day, rather the random thoughts that pop into your head, and over time, it will emerge.)

When we put one foot in front of the other and go about our lives day to day that central moment can be easily missed, but it's there, a central moment in your life. In other words, what's the 'through line' that binds all the random and everyday moments of your life? Maybe, think about it like that.

Stories are neat. Life is not so neat.

For example, I opened this blog, I closed this blog, I re-opened this blog. I stopped writing in this blog. I began writing in this blog...

Why?

Well, there are times when I say, 'This is me. I'm a kinky person. I operate best in a more controlled environment than just being one person in the big wide world, or one person who lives within a family structure. I operate best when I have the opportunity to demonstrate my submissive nature'.

Then, there are times when I say, 'Look, it clearly doesn't suit other people for me to have this nature. I'll stifle it down, bang it down and nail up the lid of the box, make it surrender, and just try to forget about it'.

But, the truth is that you can't run away from who you are. I'm me. I'm submissive. I need to not only accept that but to embrace it and register it as my truth.

My defining moment is acknowledging that I may be able to run but I can't hide from myself. Wherever I go, the submissive nature follows me, taunts me. It's real. It's part of me. It isn't going away.

So, I'm back.

I am what I am

It occurs to me that my circumstances bear a close resemblance to the person who comes to realize that he or she is gay.  I remember distinctly a gay friend saying to me, 'I didn't choose to be gay. Life would have been easier if I was straight, but I'm not. I am what I am.'

I didn't choose to be kinky and life would have been a lot easier if I was not kinky. If I had embraced my kinkiness by my late 20s I would have known to marry a kinky man. But, I hadn't embraced my kinkiness. I knew I was different, but I didn't know that I had any options. I didn't know there were other kinky people in the world and in any case I was doing everything I knew to hide my thoughts and desires, assuming they were detestable, unwanted and laughable.

It hasn't been easy for my husband, who is straight by nature, to face my relevations. He does what he can for me but it doesn't come naturally to him. He didn't seek a kinky wife. He took me at my word, how I presented myself to him, and that included being an independent woman and someone who could take care of herself.

If he had known that my heart and soul desires to submit to a man and be his 'property' and that this involves a certain amount of work and responsibility of the 'owner', would he have married me? I doubt he would have married me because it would have been very confronting and not something that made any sense to him at all. Over the years I have many times overheard him say to someone that the marriage works well because he has his interests and I have mine and we don't get in each other's way. This is what he wants, to be free to pursue his life at his own pace, such that his perfectionist personality may roam free.

I think it is worth saying that I take no issue with the long hours he wishes to work on two provisos. I want to enjoy some time with him. This really is up to me and he has always considered me to be "the social secretary", so if I'll arrange it he'll do it, generally. I understand the mechanics of this and that getting some fun into life is my responsibility.

The second proviso is that I need to experience dominance. I need to have my body 'used' and I mean that. I need to feel the physical dominance of my body. I don't know why I need this. I only know that I feel very tense and upset when this does not happen.

I seek to feel a man's desire for this outcome and to lovingly dominate me across the board - how I speak, what I achieve, what exercise I do, what I eat. I'd love to have him take an interest in these matters as part of the concept that I am his property, because in this way the whole of my life would provide opportunities to feel the (sensible) control that I crave. I do recognize, however, that this is asking for the moon given the circumstances of my life and that I must accept responsibility for these aspects of my life. For example, he's been encouraging me to get back to my writing and to establish a daily focus there, but I've been floundering around with it fairly aimlessly for the past several weeks without establishing workable routines. I know I am someone who can require  deadlines, expectations of outcomes, rules!

Since we will have more scope now to be alone and hopefully to enjoy one anothers company, there's a chance that we can rekindle the great times we had a few years ago when he seemed pretty comfortable with embracing my kinky nature into our lives in a relatively all embracing way. What has confused me is that he was so accommodating then, whereas now he seems quite removed most of the time. Perhaps 'burn out' and preoccupations are really the issue. He certainly says that it is not to do with me and that I shouldn't take it personally. Hard to do, alas.

I can keep trying to work the situation but so far there is little advance. I gave him Different Loving to read and underlined the key sentences so that he didn't need to spend too much time getting to the key factors of the relationship that I'd love him to consider, but that was months ago and he never opened it. I send him emails giving him ideas and topics to open discussion. I gave him the link to my tumblr which explains what I want through words and images. He reads there, noted to me that I am more direct in what I write there now, but still I see virtually no forward momentum on his part.

The strategies I use - the physical things I do to myself, and my rules that were devised for me, along with the rules I devised for myself - are my way of coping with my life situation. To have them removed for a two week period of time has taken me to the brink. This punishment has been so severe that it has left me with no way to cope. Intellectually, I know that the time period is almost expired, but psychologically, right now, I am fragile. The toy inside me feels frightened and confused.

Yet, I know now like I never knew ever before that I need the dominance, the rules and the rituals. They are like batteries for my soul and my mood and without those batteries I'm not functioning too well. I feel lost in limbo, aware that the vanilla world is not for me but unsure of my place in this other world now. Of one thing I am sure. I am what I am.

Giving and taking

In the past month I have been to two funerals; the children of friends of mine. In both cases they died due to their own form of mental distress. Obviously, a friend's job is to nurture the parents in their time of grief and of course, that is what I did. Yet, it cannot be denied, these premature deaths took a lot out of me. I've experienced agitation within myself and became something of an insomniac, until last night when my body demanded that it get some decent rest.

I've been blessed with a few days to myself (well, the boys are here but they are easy) and although it has been a bit of a roller coaster, for I don't recall ever being more tired than I was yesterday, I am starting to see what happened to me more clearly.

I'd booked in for a 'sound healing' session on Sunday afternoon and my daughter came with me. I wasn't able to fully relax as I would have otherwise, but it helped, for sure. It was after that session when we were talking that my daughter gave me the lecture; that I hadn't needed to rush there and make myself late in order to make the lunch; that the three boys could have done that themselves; that I needed to stop putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own.

As I lay in bed alone early this morning I thought about this thing I do - find succor out of people taking from me; out of giving to people. It comes so naturally to me to do this. I really don't know any other way to live. It nurtures my soul.

Yet, I was overloaded this past month. There is no doubt about that. I needed to pull back into myself and restore myself . When you have a submissive nature and people get used to being around that, a dynamic takes place. The submissive wants to be in control of her emotions in large part because this suits everybody else. An ethereal, joyful, playful person is great succor to people. It is this peaceful state that they crave because a peaceful person encourages a peaceful disposition in others.

When I am not calm, content and at peace within myself this seems to trouble others and it troubles me. There is a part of my brain that is aware that this is what is expected and wanted: my happy, light, sensual disposition. Therefore, if I am not able to give this, of what use am I? Perhaps this is why I seek my own company and counsel at such times; until I am restored; until I have recovered. And, it works. To give to others, first you must give to yourself.

On being different

I had lunch recently with a group of women on the occasion of one woman's birthday. It's an odd friendship group and I sit on the periphery of it. One woman in the friendship group is my oldest friend and that sort of dragged me into the group for some of life's festivities. So, I'm invited, sometimes, to these get-togethers to celebrate their birthdays and I contribute to the group gift, naturally. It's an odd sort of experience for me because it has never occurred to any of them in all these years that it must be uncomfortable for me to never have a get together organized for my birthday and to never be given a gift in return, but that's the way it goes and nothing is going to change.

They are a mixed group, mainly leading privileged and indulgent lives and I realized recently that my discomfort level with the situation has risen markedly. I was sitting there at a lovely restaurant earlier in the week with them listening to the details of their various holiday destinations and so on. I put on a brave face, of course. I ask questions and offer snippets and I do my best to enjoy the experience. All of them, one on one, are nice people but together they can seem, to me at least, bitchy, so I am guarded and careful in what I say. There is toxicity there from which I try to insulate myself. Perhaps the main point of difference between us is that they are 'girls' whereas I am a 'submissive girl', a girl whose most important journey has been inward rather than exploring the world.  Neither outlook is necessarily right or wrong, but different. I'm different and people who are different can be bullied. I'm conscious of that and that increases my independence, which probably bothers them.

It's been different these past two weeks for me. There is a point that is being made. There is a finite end to the process and so I'm not overly upset about it. It's akin to a school girl who has been 'grounded' but in a kinky sort of way. This is a process, for sure, and in the past few days I've been acutely aware of the 'freedoms'; anxious to return to a contained state; well aware of my 'needs'. Of course, there can be no better definition perhaps of a 'submissive girl' as opposed to the girls I know; someone who wants to return to her 'place'; who would happily travel the world like my 'friends' but only in a contained state; in the certainty of who I am and what works for me. 'Freedom' for me isn't what 'freedom' is for them. I need to feel a very deep connection. I need to know where the power lies; who runs the show. I need to feel the containment; to be answerable to a higher authority; to ask 'permission' for things; to know my place and purpose.

It's these sort of thoughts and needs that I must never, ever, dare share with my 'friends'. They'd turn on me, talk about me; ridicule me. The discomfort I feel in the group now would be a fraction of the intolerable abashment if they knew the real me. Perhaps it is why I remain on the fringes of the group, never really accepted into it, because they sense this in me and they can't relate; don't approve. I find it a more comfortable thing to surround myself with those people who I feel instinctively accept me; perhaps who are closer to my personality type. I think it is one of the reasons this little web journal continues to be so very important in my life.

Spanking reaction

The exploration of my nature, my authentic self as some people like to call it, has been going on for a few years. I was reminded of that this morning as I responded to a comment left on a post written in 2009. Throughout that period, most of the time, it has been a rather intense situation. I've lived and breathed the exploration. There are few days when these thoughts haven't entered my consciousness.

I'm going through a patch where I'm trying not to focus on the exploration and yet, all paths lead back to here. The thoughts pervade my mind even when I will them not to exist. If one takes yesterday as an example, it was a very pleasant social day with friends and friends of friends: lovely wines, lovely food, a gorgeous sunny day in a very pleasant garden. The chit chat kept me busy and it was only on our way home that I realized that I hadn't had a kinky thought all day.

The thought that I'd managed to keep my mind busy - listening and talking - was quite pleasing. Perhaps I was becoming more like 'normal' people who could focus on real world matters pretty much all of the time.

Yet, here I am the next morning, up early to take a tablet so that my hay fever doesn't get too out of control, with my head swimming with thoughts relating to my submissive nature.

My husband and I have been happy. He took me away for a long weekend in the country last weekend and we had the opportunity to do what we wished. We'd rented a little cottage that was quite private and one evening he decided to spank me. He took off his belt after that and all in all, I was rather soundly thrashed. He told me that I'd not managed to follow his direction in relation to two matters and so there was a disciplinary component to the session; something that didn't bother me too much at the time really, if you take into account that the sex immediately thereafter was quite thrilling.

However, the next morning I felt very agitated and that was because (or I think it was because) he complained that there was an attitude in my tone, and there probably was, but at the time I thought he was being very pedantic about it.

In fact, I think I was experiencing (and in fact he pointed this out to me) 'sub drop' because it has been quite some time since we've played like that. My reaction to his chiding me was seriously overboard, but I couldn't do anything about it. I felt distressed.

I must say he handled it well; gave me a little time to settle myself down and then insisted that he was taking me out. As soon as the decision was made on my behalf I settled down and thereafter we had a very happy day. If it had been left to me, it would have been miserable because I wasn't capable of getting myself out of the stew I'd cooked. It's moment like this when someone telling me what to do is a thousand percent right.

I like to think that I can sort out my life and order my days; that I'm relatively focused and organized and forward thinking. In fact, this year has been lovely because I've pushed through that natural reserve and introversion to join groups and be with people more regularly and it's been...very nice indeed.

However, the fact remains that the expression of my submission nature soothes me and completes me. Sex, spanking, bondage, restraint - these things are very important to me. Being at one; feeling content with my husband - this matters a great deal to me. I'm still the same gal. I still sit at this lap top of mine and wallow in thoughts of lust; possession; obsession. I'm still on the adventure of my life.

Bimboism

It came to my attention over the past several days that I am not the only bimbo on tumblr. As far as I know I'm the only bimbo that doesn't speak like a girl (but rather bimbo speeki) but who knows?! There may be dozens of us for all that I know. I'm not the least bit savvy about tumblr and I keep a very low profile.

I've received only a handful of questions since I have been on tumblr. One man wrote something that even bimbocindi found pretty gross and I simply deleted it and  he unfollowed me. That was a win:win situation in my book. I have done nothing to encourage followers in any way. If people find me, they find me, but I've thought of it as  a rather private (I know, how silly is that!?) space to conduct my own particular version of my kink.

This morning there was a question in bimbocindi's mailbox asking her what she liked about being a bimbo. I've a fairly well honed antenna for changes in the air and I wasn't entirely surprised by this question. I'd already given it some thought in anticipation of such an event and I wrote as honestly and respectfully as I could as to what bimboism meant to me.

Cindi has been bimbocindi from the outset but I must admit I've never entirely embraced the whole bimbo concept on a physical level. If you're talking about the mind - the acquiescence, the empty head, the sexual entity wanting a lot of use, the desire to please, the willingness to try new things, the slutty thoughts - I'm right there.

Yet, I am still (and always have been) challenged by the bimbo facade - the physical nature of bimboism. I happen to have medium to full sized breasts that are still perky. I'm not reacting to some sense of insecurity that my breasts are small when I say that breast enlargement is something that I have never considered. Yet, I'm completely in favor of a woman doing that which makes her feel her best.

A niece of mine had her breast size reduced to be more in line with the rest of her body and I felt happy for her that a problem in her mind was being attended to. If a woman wants very large breasts and seeks to achieve that outcome or to adjust the shape of her breasts in any way, I say, go for it. However, in my mind the size of one's breasts has nothing to do with my sense of being a 'bimbo'.

I totally respect people's choices and I know that some husbands/boyfriends encourage their gal/bimbo to make such changes to their body. That is fine so long as they both  want that because, in my mind, a particular shape and size of breasts doesn't negate one's ability to play the role of sexual object to a man.

Of course, some men like some things a great deal. I used to smile when I was pregnant because it was clear that some men really get off on the look of a pregnant woman or a woman breast feeding. If the man who loves you and owns you wants something in particular, for example, for you to be thinner or to have a more defined waist, or more well toned legs or to wear something slutty in the bedroom or to have some silicone injected into your lips - whatever - this is a very private negotiation between the two of you.

Every woman walking this earth has her own little insecurities and it's vitally important for a man to be sure to have his woman know that he loves her just the way she is but that he'd like her to consider doing this and that. A woman with a submissive nature wants to please and she'll try very hard to put her insecurities aside and aim to make herself a better version of herself to please her man.

I can't say that I encourage a woman to make physical adjustments to her body unless the man in her life requesting those changes is completely committed to her. One man's desire to have a woman's arm tattooed with his name within a heart, for example, may be the next man's turn off. So, these decisions can't be made on the tear. You have to have your wits about you before you go about making permanent physical transformations. You really do  have to use your big girl head!

I think that bimboism can be whatever you want it to be. The word carries a lot of connotations and it's a delicate subject. For me, it has been about letting go, primarily; accepting my sexuality and embracing my appetite for sex.

So, I won't ever be getting a breast change. I won't ever wear some very slutty number in public. I really think these things are impossible for me. Stockings and garters under my skirt make me feel very sexy. Taking a great deal of care to look attractive makes me feel sexy. Looking like a tart does not. You see, there's the bias right there! But, I can't help it. My sexuality is a private thing. I'm a private person.

I'm aware that some men try to break down this sort of female thinking in the bedroom by debasing or degrading a woman. In the darkest recesses of my mind, degradation is a total turn on and we've used it with some good effect. I've written over my own body, naughty statements, and my husband was instantly aroused. I do, alas, find a lot of very naughty things a very big turn on. But, the classic bimbo look...I consistently am challenged by it; consistently find myself turning away. The above photograph, in my mind, is entirely bimbo; beautiful and bimbo at the same time. That's my version of bimbo: a very female version. There's the rub; there's the hurdle to jump.

Leadership traits

Some correspondence with a reader recently highlighted for me what is, of course, self-evident; that in the same way that my nature is submissive, his is dominant. In other words, he is a natural leader.

My youngest son recently undertook career-style testing. He had to do a test that lasted over three hours and when the report came back with the results it was astoundingly comprehensive. As we already knew, he has very strong skills in the creative sphere and possible careers were film producer or multi-media producer; that sort of thing. What surprised me slightly was that they inferred from the test results that he wasn't so much interested in leading as he was in being a strong team player.

When I thought about it, that's probably right. He does like things done in a particular way and he is a stickler for doing things very, very well; until he is satisfied with them. However, he isn't someone to insist on his own way when he has to consider other people. He's keen to listen to their point of view and to incorporate their ideas into the project, if he can. There are some things that he just does, regardless of what others think. He won't be without his special hat, and he's made various excuses to wear this hat at school. Remarkably,  no teacher has had issue with his point of view. I think when you are a very easy kid to teach you can get away with little things.

I'd like to think that he is Prefect material because he is fully involved in school life and boys do admire him on various levels and he would be a very good role model. I think he wants that, although he hasn't said so. Certainly, he has a reputation as a great public speaker, a good actor; that sort of thing. We'll see. However, I have to agree he doesn't jump out at me as a leader in an overt way. Yet...if I were caught in a storm I'd like to have his intelligence along for the trip. I think he'd stay calm headed and he'd sort out what to do. It's a tricky thing to explain this aptitude for leadership!

When I was at school I was very, very good. That's not news to long time readers. I've mentioned that trait before. I wasn't at the school for my middle years but I was back again in the last two years of school. I wasn't made a Prefect and my close friends felt this to be a travesty of justice. However, you see, I didn't want to be a Prefect. I didn't want to have to tell girls to tie up their shoes and put their hats on. I didn't seek power.  I just wanted to do my work and be involved in the activities that engaged me - like public speaking and writing. At no point have I wanted to lead and I wasn't at all bothered to not be a Prefect.

Here's a good example: My oldest son often got ear infections as a young boy. He has a very high pain threshold and I had to use my instincts to know if he had another ear infection or not because I couldn't rely on him telling me about the pain. So, on this day I said, "Well, do you think you should go to school or not? I am not sure..." and he responded, "You're the mother! What do you think?" Oh, yeah. It was up to me to make the decision. Duh!

Now, I can say without qualification that my eldest son was always meant to lead. At the age of three his pre-school teachers told me that he stood out as the leader and in his final year of school he was Captain of this and Captain of that. His friendship group called him "Daddy" and once he got into the workforce he quickly became a leader.

One of his very dearest friends now told me that he used to think him an "asshole" when he first knew him in their corporate life because he would just listen to people at work. Since he'd say nothing they'd keep on blathering, feeling that they had to impress him. People, including this current friend were a bit intimidated by him. When I mentioned this to my son, he said that, yes, he gave people the opportunity to speak and when they were finished, he gave them his opinion, which, yes, tended to be the final word. It wasn't a ploy; merely his way of operating at work. Needless to say, he has worked his way up the rungs of the ladder, ideally suited to leadership. It's nothing I've done. It's the way he came out.

My daughter came out feisty; terribly creative and strong willed with a very soft side. Her career is off and running now and she's incorporated her creative strengths with her ability to lead. I think in her relationship she's capable of being under her boyfriend's wing. Certainly, she's adjusted to him and when he said that she was welcome to be in a bad mood but not welcome to change his mood from a good one to a bad one, she changed. To her credit, she worked very hard on that.

My middle son is a do-er. He's got very, very strong interests and he goes ahead and involves himself in those. He's not at all interested in leadership at this point and he never really was. He's his own man, doing his own thing; not particularly worried what others are doing, unless they screw up what he is doing. I don't mean to say that he is easily led, because he absolutely is not. He's just not that phased about what other people think. I remember in grade 8 his English teacher asked him to represent the class in the year level public speaking competition but he declined; not interested in fame. Yet, in his own interests, he is very competitive. Remember Richard Burton? "I go my own way." That's my middle son.

I haven't even gone close to talking about the different styles of leadership. Some people demand that others follow. Some people cajole other people. Some people seduce; impress others; entice them; listen to everyone and then make a decision...and so on.

I can see a snake oil salesman coming a mile away. I can pick out those who are laying it on and who think they are something special. I'm not easily impressed by this sort of thing. I don't care if they have loads of money or power. I talk to them in the same way I talk to anyone else. If people are nice to me, I'm nice to them. I don't have a desire to lead and that pretty much takes away my cares about all sorts of things; although I do listen to my husband and children if something is not right with someone and make my assessment as to how they best deal with them. But, that's not leadership, that's just reading people.

People are often talking about this nature/nurture debate but when it comes to leadership qualities I tend to think either you have it or you don't have it. It was decided at birth. And if you don't have it, not to worry. There's pleasure in being submissive; at least, there is for me!

Intuition

Today's school work focuses on writerly identity in part and one of the questions I am using to get into that concept is 'What is happening when you are at your best?'

Well, that's a fascinating question, I think and I had to pause and contemplate before I could even begin to answer it. These are very initial thoughts. It really is a very deep question.

When I am at my best I feel...translucent; I allow light but not certain images in. That is to say, I feel completely in my zone, at one. I have a strong feeling of well-being and that I am doing what I should be doing, in the place where I should be. There is lightness of being; an accord with the world and the sense that it is a wonderful place. I feel love in a very general sense and I'm happy both within and with myself. I'm functioning in a fluid way, not thinking too deeply or worrying too much. I'm happy to be alive and sure of my place on this earth. I'm doing what I was meant to be doing.

As to the writerly identity, well, I wrote a piece a few weeks ago in just the state as I described above and it had a different feel about it to other pieces of writing in that particular subject. In turn, I got very different responses to it. I'd touched something within the reader and they had responded in kind. I think this is what we call authenticity. We are writing from within us; we have touched the mainspring of ourselves and out flows something very authentic.

Is that sort of writing Australian, the writing of someone who is Australian but has lived many years in the United States, the writing of a woman with a submissive nature; the writing of a mother, of a content person? Or, is it something far more personal; the writing of my soul, the place that even I can't tap into on most days?

As a writer I must trust my intuition. As a woman with a strong desire to live according to my nature, trusting my intuition is also imperative.

What comes naturally

I've a very dear online friend who keeps a fascinating online journal about her thoughts and explorations. Lately, she's become more bold and honest, not just with readers but with herself and she's discovering and accepting things about herself at a fast rate.

In the past few days, she embraced the sadistic tendencies in herself and I think if you read her writing about that , the energy and electricity, the hunger and appetite will be easily discernible. I recognized a persistence, a control and a demanding force that I've read a few times before in sadist's words when they play with a submissive who wants to be played with just as badly. It's the yin and yan of two complementary souls and takes place when the hunger between them is palpable and irresistible.

On reading the post, I sat back and tried hard to find any sadistic tendencies in myself. I thought. And, I thought again. But, nothing. I have absolutely no desire for physical or emotional sadism of anyone. I'm completely unqualified for the job.

And, then I thought, that maybe that 'there's nothing there' feeling  I had is what so many women have if asked to locate submissive tendencies within themselves. They might try to imagine pleasure in being controlled, reduced, spanked, told off, set a task, told to do something they don't want to do and find that nothing is there: no pleasure in those thoughts whatsoever.

Here's a secret: When given a direction, I often question it. Of course, I understand the directive. But, I get such a buzz out of hearing on the other end his slight annoyance at the need for clarification. But, I want to feel the control; the fact that a directive is a directive whether I like it or not; that I'm the lucky one that gets to be directed.

So, the thought of giving a direction to someone does nothing for me and perhaps this is unfortunate on some level, but it is the way it is. We aren't doing something here that we have to work to do. We do what comes naturally; what turns us on and makes us feel complete. We are exploring the length and breadth of our sexuality and that's a good thing.

D/s from both sides now

I now have a great sense of compassion towards the feature writer. Imagine for a moment a person sitting amongst a high pile of notes and material trying to sift them down to the essence of the story, one lead following another until she feels she should not be a writing a 3,000 word article at all but instead, a book. A conversation with one person leads to a conversation with the next person and in the end she feels she is on a long road with no end and no way to turn back.

The conversations and discussions here tell of couples who have chosen a dynamic where the male is the top and the female, the bottom. We've chosen this, worked on this and refined this to make it the best possible outcome for us based on our natures, sexuality, needs and wants.

But, I now understand much better that there are D/s couples out there - many of them - who also want this dynamic but they choose for the female to be the top and the male to be the bottom. The male wants and needs to submit to the woman.

My discussion with someone well in the know assured me that there are a great many men who want to give control to the woman in their life; to still have a womanly woman but for her to wear the pants. Some men literally want this and enjoy their girls wearing the pants whilst others merely want that euphorically speaking. They all want the dynamic; the loss of control.

Like us, this goes to the nature of the two people involved. This can be a difficult process of discovery. This can mean that one partner is caught on the hop trying to understand her husband and his declaration to her. They are the same stories as ours but in reverse and the percentage of the population that want this is higher than I could ever have imagined.

It is also the same story as it pertains to therapy. Just as my therapist was concerned about my "submissive bubble" and chose to show me ways to communicate to assert myself, so many men who see therapists are discouraged from exploring this side of themselves; probably being shown similar communication strategies as I.

So much of this is still under the carpet. So few professionals are willing to openly consider and discuss the notion that a power exchange runs at the heart of many people's wants; natures; life experiences.

If you can offer anything to this discussion. especially in terms of professional advice you have received, please don't hesitate to comment or send me an email. Thank you. 

Adaptation

For a few reasons, this is a time of transition for me and I have tried hard to take my time and let the dust settle where it may –not forcing any issues or feelings too much but giving myself time to make the necessary adjustments and see what comes. Another word for all of this is ‘adaptation’. I have been adapting to my new circumstances.

In this process, I have been alert to what may not have altered or changed as well. Again, I haven’t had any preconceptions about that; haven’t assumed anything at all but just remained mindful.

I have tried, and I have tried in the past without success as well, to work on the basis that I don’t have certain needs. There is a difference between wanting something and needing something and I have tried to think as a vanilla/non-kinky person would.  Lately, I have worked on the assumption that I have physical wants but that I don’t necessarily need to have those physical sensations in order to live well. 

 I had almost hoped to prove to myself that I no longer have those physical needs. It seemed like not a bad outcome in my mind because if you don’t have physical needs then you are not reliant on others. You don’t have to expect anything of anyone else and you can feel more in charge of your own destiny. This was the thought.

However time and circumstance has demonstrated to me that my physical needs are here to stay and that could well relate to the fact that my mindset or headspace remains that of the doll. Perhaps I have been indoctrinated or brainwashed or perhaps I continue to feel like the doll because this is my true nature. Time and time again I was told that a dolli needed to be used. You know my story. But, how could that really be true? If I didn’t fill the holes, surely I could live perfectly well! It just is not so.

A few nights ago, my husband put my cock gag into my mouth as he played with me. It was late at night and he asked if I would like to sleep with it in. I nodded and he turned out the light. A few minutes later I wondered if I had chosen badly. Seven or eight hours like this was a long time. But, the thought passed and I drifted into sleep.

I woke many times for a split second, much as I do when I am plugged in another hole (yes, I do feel a bit coy today) and in those split seconds I had a consciousness that I was incredibly happy and peaceful and that my mind was a clean slate. I was not worried or concerned about anything at all. To the contrary, I was aroused and content all at the one moment. It was like coming home.

I have had some restless days in the past few weeks when I have not felt right. I have not shared the reason why but my husband was apparently aware of the reason and he said to me over the weekend, “You haven’t been using your pluggiz and you know that is no good for you.” There it was – the cold, hard facts. I desperately needed my plugs; the stretching; the use.

I reinstated the procedure last night and slept like a baby; woke early and decided to walk the dogs before the day got underway. I felt positive and in control of my own destiny; confident and able and I chose to leave the plug in. It felt natural to do so and it continued to feel natural to do so as I walked around the park; waved and smiled to the usual suspects about my neighbourhood up at this time of the morning.

I do best with limits. I feel more when I am less. These are fundamental truths. There is no point in refuting them.

On the flip side of the coin, what I have also established is that I also do best when I am in control of myself to become more: to function at optimal levels. I need to achieve: to ensure that my family have what they need and that I have what I need to lead a full and fulfilling life.

It has taken some time for me to get my ducks in a row. It has taken time for me to work with my therapist to establish that I do indeed have a submissive nature with certain needs but that I also have a need to challenge myself and grow: to ensure that I do not subjugate myself and sacrifice myself to anyone and that I seek progress and growth in my life. I have a need to submit to become less and to challenge myself to become more. I need both those of components in my life to live well and give my best.

And so it is that part of me needs to be contained, to be less, whilst part of me needs to be more. It is with this knowledge that I can say that this day is the first day of the rest of my life and even though outside it is raining cats and dogs and the sky is bleak, inside my head it is perfectly clear and I move on, full steam ahead.

What I know

A couple of the gals I read have been writing about their beliefs that we should do what works for us and not follow some other person's prescription of what the rules should be or how things should go. That is good advice. I think if one is going to read another web journal it is going to be about collecting interesting ideas that may work for us. I shudder to think that I ever write prescriptively. I try to make it very clear that my experiences are just that - my experiences.

Having said that, I have been collecting in my mind values and beliefs and rules and theories (call them what you will - maybe 'prerequisites'?) that I must embrace if this lifestyle is to work well for me (and my Owner). Some of those ideas may well be necessary for any power exchange relationship and some may be optional and some may be irrelevant. It is not for me to say.

Obedience: It is hard to get around the fact that obedience is expected. No matter how formal or relaxed the arrangement, without the submissive accepting the expectation of obedience, things go awry. My mentor who communicated with the doll was a stickler for it. Heaven help the doll when she disobeyed. You can't go through that sort of training without accepting and taking into your heart and soul that disobedience is a bad, bad thing. My husband has been more relaxed about my occasional devil-may-care-do-it-my-own-way approach, but he doesn't appreciate it, will berate me about it and in moments of disharmony will bring it up as a sore that hasn't healed. Dominants just don't like it, or that is the way it seems to me. If you want the relationship to go well, one has to come to terms with this.

Asking: Formal or informal, asking seems to me an important and even essential skill to master. For various reasons submissive personalities find this very difficult at times. Some submissives think their needs should all be addressed by the dominant. This doesn't really work because they rarely know all that the submissive needs and wants at any given point of time. If and when they don't get that right in entirety (or at all), the submissive needs to guide them.

Speaking respectfully and politely: Whilst this is a matter of style, Dominants and Tops do seem to expect this trait in their submissive. The doll was reprimanded fast and furiously if she was considered impolite, yet she never used honorifics.  She could be coquettish (though this did not necessarily give her what she wanted) and she could be playful but sarcasm, for example, was waaaaay out of line. One learns these things over time. My husband loathes me speaking impolitely and he would interpret this as being short or impatient; not answering questions directly.

If you put the above two traits together, one should presumably ask for thing politely and respectfully. This still trips me up. Sometimes, I wait so long to ask I am too frustrated to be entirely polite and respectful. This is a mistake and never goes down well. Asking as soon as possible seems to be an important lesson to learn. This weekend, I was frustrated enough to blurt out what I wanted. I wanted more use and I wanted more spanking. My tone was not appreciated but he didn't hesitate to get out his cane and that was a good thing at least.

Acceptance: Once power is given away to the Dominant, it does seem very important that the submissive not attempt to take control of events. Of course, it is life that things won't always go as planned and that matters will need to be discussed from time to time, but in two years I don't think the doll was ever given the opportunity to control anything. She tried. Trust me, she tried but it was always out of bounds and deeply, deeply unappreciated. My husband hates it if I try to control events. I think the dominant person finds it confusing, frustrating and sapping of their confidence. You ask them to lead and then you question the leadership. I have to watch this carefully. I have to watch it all carefully really.

Force: Some submissives would find the word itself abhorrent but I know I need some dominant force at times. If I do pick a fight (even sub-consciously) it is because I need to feel that dominant force over me. I want to be reminded that he is my dominant and I am his submissive and "all is right in my world...right here...right now" (as my meditation teacher will say).

Feeling the submission: This is going to look different to each submissive person, but I need to feel and experience my submission regularly. It pains me when my husband is absorbed in his work to the exclusion of reminding me in some way that I am his submissive because I really do best when those reminders are regularly given. This is not something I can control. I can do my best to be patient and understanding of his needs to focus on work but ultimately it will do me harm if I cannot express my submission in some way, somewhat regularly. This is the way I am wired and cannot be fought. Feeling some degree of dominant force elevates me (on some level) while not feeling that dominant force weakens my sense of self and enjoyment of my life.

That is how I see it.