Having read Sir J’s discussion about ‘punishment’, I am prompted to share some thoughts of my own on this subject.
What I like about what I know of Sir J’s dynamic with his h is that it is a closely connected relationship. He has developed rituals around the day whereby, wherever they happen to be, in the same vicinity or not, they check in with one another routinely; touch each other, often. When a submissive woman is in touch with her dominant, in whatever form that takes, she is unlikely to feel abandoned. She is unlikely to want to misbehave.
I don’t think that submissive woman misbehave too often because they can’t do the task, or they don’t know better, or they are just “bad”. I think submissive women misbehave because they don’t feel the connection adequately, and this throws them off balance. When they are off balance, problems ensue for both the dominant and the submissive.
I refer to the sort of attention I crave as ‘positive energy’.
Recently, I was asked to do a task. It was for my own benefit; something I was being taught and something I wanted to learn. I procrastinated and when called on it, a correction ensued. It was a correction that, more or less, took the place of the task and it was a correction that would see progress. It was a punishment, for want of a better word.
Whilst I do misbehave, I also do see the error of my ways and I didn’t hesitate to comply. In fact, I enjoyed my ‘punishment’ enormously as he most likely knew that I would. I also enjoyed having the task imposed on me. That’s just who I am. When I reported that I had accomplished the task, he was effusive with praise. We were both delighted!
And, that is what I mean by ‘positive energy’.
I’ve certainly had the other kind of punishment; the kind where you are asked to bend over and take a good whipping. Sometimes, that has been highly appropriate from the point of view that I didn’t do what I agreed to do or I did something, knowing that there would be such a penalty. Sometimes, I have been hell bent to do something my way and it has taken this sort of a punishment to convince me that my behaviour really does need to change. I don’t have a strong objection to this. I certainly don’t have any sense of resentment about it where the rules were very clear and I broke them.
As a submissive woman, I enjoy playing with pain, and sometimes I enjoy playing with pain that I deserve. It just happens to be part of my fantasy life; part of my kink. Exploration of pain, without the punishment factor occasionally, would be less satisfying to me. It just happens to turn me on. What can I say? Perhaps one could set up that ‘scene’ for me but I think I’d know the difference. It’s complicated.
The point is that I just don’t have the kind of personality that even desires to be good ALL the time. Sometimes, I just ‘push the envelope’. I’m never going to be the perfect submissive.
But, aside from those occasional times, I look for the kind of close connection with my dominant that will have me in my ‘happy place’; wanting to please, wanting to receive his praise. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that if I had that, I could shine. I know, because I have had that, and I *did* shine. I bask in the glow of an attentive dom.
One of the aspects of a good submissive is that she should be ‘patient’. That sounds fine in theory, but in practice, it makes the submissive less satisfied in her submission. Surely, if she is bubbly and bright, she can serve her dominant best. To be bubbly and bright, she needs an attentive dom. It may seem impossible to the busy dom to seriously consider that a call of two minutes duration can be exhumed out of his day, but if he really wanted to do it, don’t you think he could find that time? Maybe, giving her a dozen swats of a morning sounds like a big chunk out of his day, but who is he kidding? Twelve swats can be achieved in less than ten seconds. His submissive doesn’t deserve ten seconds out of his morning?
The next time a submissive woman just isn’t rising to the mark, perhaps it is worth the Dominant man asking himself if she needs a burst of positive energy that emanates directly from his attentiveness to her. Sometimes, even a correction or punishment is just the attention she needs.
You see, at the end of the day, come what may, she craves her Dom's attention as her lifeforce.
What I like about what I know of Sir J’s dynamic with his h is that it is a closely connected relationship. He has developed rituals around the day whereby, wherever they happen to be, in the same vicinity or not, they check in with one another routinely; touch each other, often. When a submissive woman is in touch with her dominant, in whatever form that takes, she is unlikely to feel abandoned. She is unlikely to want to misbehave.
I don’t think that submissive woman misbehave too often because they can’t do the task, or they don’t know better, or they are just “bad”. I think submissive women misbehave because they don’t feel the connection adequately, and this throws them off balance. When they are off balance, problems ensue for both the dominant and the submissive.
I refer to the sort of attention I crave as ‘positive energy’.
Recently, I was asked to do a task. It was for my own benefit; something I was being taught and something I wanted to learn. I procrastinated and when called on it, a correction ensued. It was a correction that, more or less, took the place of the task and it was a correction that would see progress. It was a punishment, for want of a better word.
Whilst I do misbehave, I also do see the error of my ways and I didn’t hesitate to comply. In fact, I enjoyed my ‘punishment’ enormously as he most likely knew that I would. I also enjoyed having the task imposed on me. That’s just who I am. When I reported that I had accomplished the task, he was effusive with praise. We were both delighted!
And, that is what I mean by ‘positive energy’.
I’ve certainly had the other kind of punishment; the kind where you are asked to bend over and take a good whipping. Sometimes, that has been highly appropriate from the point of view that I didn’t do what I agreed to do or I did something, knowing that there would be such a penalty. Sometimes, I have been hell bent to do something my way and it has taken this sort of a punishment to convince me that my behaviour really does need to change. I don’t have a strong objection to this. I certainly don’t have any sense of resentment about it where the rules were very clear and I broke them.
As a submissive woman, I enjoy playing with pain, and sometimes I enjoy playing with pain that I deserve. It just happens to be part of my fantasy life; part of my kink. Exploration of pain, without the punishment factor occasionally, would be less satisfying to me. It just happens to turn me on. What can I say? Perhaps one could set up that ‘scene’ for me but I think I’d know the difference. It’s complicated.
The point is that I just don’t have the kind of personality that even desires to be good ALL the time. Sometimes, I just ‘push the envelope’. I’m never going to be the perfect submissive.
But, aside from those occasional times, I look for the kind of close connection with my dominant that will have me in my ‘happy place’; wanting to please, wanting to receive his praise. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that if I had that, I could shine. I know, because I have had that, and I *did* shine. I bask in the glow of an attentive dom.
One of the aspects of a good submissive is that she should be ‘patient’. That sounds fine in theory, but in practice, it makes the submissive less satisfied in her submission. Surely, if she is bubbly and bright, she can serve her dominant best. To be bubbly and bright, she needs an attentive dom. It may seem impossible to the busy dom to seriously consider that a call of two minutes duration can be exhumed out of his day, but if he really wanted to do it, don’t you think he could find that time? Maybe, giving her a dozen swats of a morning sounds like a big chunk out of his day, but who is he kidding? Twelve swats can be achieved in less than ten seconds. His submissive doesn’t deserve ten seconds out of his morning?
The next time a submissive woman just isn’t rising to the mark, perhaps it is worth the Dominant man asking himself if she needs a burst of positive energy that emanates directly from his attentiveness to her. Sometimes, even a correction or punishment is just the attention she needs.
You see, at the end of the day, come what may, she craves her Dom's attention as her lifeforce.
V,
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. A burst of positive energy -- small reinforcing connections.
I am willing to wager that many relationships would improve with such attentions. Unfortunately, I think many men confuse this positive energy approach with increasingly punitive corrections for small infractions.
It is regrettable.
P
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteSmall attentions are so important and what they are and how they should be shown will vary with all of us. You know in my heart I wish nothing more than for you to receive them the way you dream of.
J.
I believe it was your turn to sum up not only my post but your response in one line.
ReplyDeletethe Dominant man asking himself if she needs a burst of positive energy that emanates directly from his attentiveness to her
If you want your submissive to be a good girl you have to pay attention.
As my Daddy says, it's the Dominant's job to seduce the woman so that she WANTS to submit. And, he does that so VERY well.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, I agree completely with you. The D/s relationship is a two-way street. One simply cannot dominate one who is not willing to submit. The partner always deserves the attention. Without that attention, there is no relationship - D/s, vanilla, or otherwise.
Guys:
ReplyDeleteThank you for your most interesting and insightful comments.
I was reminded yesterday that 'you can catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar' and the dom should perhaps take advantage of such strategies. The dom who only has punitive measures in his bag of tricks seems pretty limited to me!