The need for dominance

The way you can tell if you are a naturally attuned submissive, it seems to me, is how you respond to a lack of dominance in your life. It could be for any reason - you've mutually agreed to end your relationship, or to have a break in the arrangement, or your dominant is busy and preoccupied, or you've asked for a break from the dominance yourself. The outcome for you, no matter the reason, is a sense of loss and disequilibrium. Far from the unequal nature of the D/s relationship providing this disequilibrium, as some people may judge it,  the submissive mind processes the so-called equality that she finds herself sharing with the dominant - present or absent - as deeply disquieting.

To go one step further, I think the submissive who finds herself without a dominants input can experience that as feeling unloved. The simple fact is that a submissive mind such as mine views dominance as an act of love and thus it doesn't strike her as illogical that a lack of dominance can be viewed as love having disappeared from her life.

I'm not saying that I can't have moments of happiness and joie de vivre without a feeling of dominance hovering over my head. It doesn't prevent me from revelling in a piece of classical music or a favourite CD, from enjoying arranging a vase of flowers or having a conversation with an interesting person. I can forget that foreboding sense of loss that hovers over me most of the time when dominance is absent from my life, but what I can't do at such times is feel even fleetingly as if all is right with my world.

I have wondered if this sense of loss is about losing challenge, but it is too simplistic an answer since I can challenge myself in others ways and remain feeling incomplete. No, what I miss is the opportunity to sink deep into my inner world because he has sunk deep into his inner world. He is the conduit to my sense of peace because his natural and instinctive desire to be the boss together with his understanding that I need a boss allows me to fly free.

If I am truly honest here, reveal the inner workings of my mind, I need that boss to not waver.  It is no favour to me to not provide the necessary discipline, in spite of the fact that I truly loathe being in trouble. I can't even begin to tell you how much I despise being punished for misdeeds because my punishments are decided from the short list of those things I utterly loathe. Yet, when I have trawled through all the negative emotions over that time I always return to the fact that nothing could possibly be more challenging to me than no dominance at all.

I occupy myself with many activities and thoughts in a week but it is remarkable how often my mind returns to some element of the D/s dynamic. It is in moments when I am reminded of what I should and should not do (a very few examples might be when I get ready for bed and it is time to insert a plug, or after dinner when I remind myself that I am not meant to eat anything else until the next day, or when I go the nail salon and give instructions as to the shape of my nails, or how I respond when I am approached sexually, or what I determine to wear in the morning...) that I experience comfort. Dominance has formed a part of my life, lightened by load, made me feel beautiful, cherished and loved. Each moment my mind returns to this reality, it fills me with a sense of gratitude and I live over once again the wonder that someone has allowed me to live as I was designed to live, as I naturally entered this world.

I wish I could report it differently but the facts are that without a strong sense of submitting to a fairly unwavering dominant I feel discombobulated to the point where it is very hard to get through the night without waking for long stretches. In fact, this is when I feel it the most. The days are not nearly as bad as those moments when my sub-conscious is allowed to roam during sleep. 'Something's wrong' it seems to say and suddenly I am wide awake, pining, wanting, deeply desiring what I don't have: restrictions, demands, limits and rules. I lay my head on the pillow and pray that I may sleep through to morning, but it is rarely the case when I am a free agent.

I know enough that in all situations I must adhere to a certain way of structuring my life and of thinking about myself and the processes of my day. To abandon what I know to do, just because I am on my own for any length of time is the path to a sense of feeling dysfunctional and unloved. I stay the course. This is how I get by. But, to feel cherished; to feel at peace within my own mind such that a full night's sleep is mine there must be that person who is the conduit to a sense of peace and well being. We all need nourishment, hydration, shelter and sleep. To my list of needs I would add, dominance.

Fantasy Dominant

I wondered recently what it might be like for a dominant to meet me as I am right now and for the first time, (assuming of course that I'm available and single, which I am not). I wondered what it is that they might like to do to me; that is, how they might like to alter me; what their plan might look like.

If they were to meet me for the first time now, as I am today, they'd find a woman comfortable in the bedroom. They wouldn't need to introduce me to gags, toys, or anal plugs, or even a full covered (other than nostril holes for breathing) latex hood, should that be their inclination, because I've experienced all of that and embraced it.

I'm extremely content with being the submissive in the bedroom, to be taken by surprise and to be dominated in any number of ways. I would happily consider such new Dominant my Owner and that my body belongs to him. I'd happily think of myself as an object for his pleasure because that is the way I've been trained and I take no issue with the training. It's part and parcel of my arousal and mode of thought. The more objectified I am, the stronger and deeper the experience for me.

If the Dominant liked to make considerable marks and bruises in a play session, they'd need to work on that with me, because although I enjoy being challenged with various implements (not necessarily physically but certainly emotionally) I am not accustomed to intense whipping or beating. If that's what they wanted, there'd be considerable work to do in that domain. They'd need to be committed to their goal and they'd probably need to ignore my childlike pleas for mercy as they pushed out my limits. I feel sure there is only so far I would want or could go and a fantasy Dominant would need to accept that. Pushing out my limits regarding pain is a frightening thought for me and an arousing one, in equal measure.

This leads me to say that it is quite possible that a Dominant that met me today may well have to deal with the fact that my history has meant that I have had to learn many strategies for my own self improvement. I am well aware that a D/s relationship could aid me in my path to a better me, but the man in question would not be dealing with a young, easy to mould filly, but rather more of a mare who has developed her own habits, some of them not particularly good or productive.

I'm aware that I have some habits that bother the people with whom I live. In the scheme of things I like to think that they are incidental and that we all have our quirks, but that said, I expect that this fantasy Dominant would want to eradicate them to the extent that is possible. Apparently, not drying off one's back isn't a good thing and nor does my husband enjoy me leaving the bathroom mat before my body is dry. He refers to me as a 'duck' that makes 'puddles' but he's inclinced to exaggeration, of course. It's also not a good thing, it seems, to leave the washing up water in the kitchen sink for any time after the dishes have been done. My eldest son refers to it as a 'chick' thing. Yeah. We know someone's bound to come along any moment now with dishes from another part of the house!

In terms of productivity, I could do with more routine in my life and that's something that I am working towards on my own. I'm prone to procrastination, I know that, especially as it pertains to making phone calls. I'm a little 'phone phobic' and tend to store them up sometimes until it feels more comfortable to make them all in one go. I'm not quite sure how you work with someone with phone phobia but probably getting me to the point of making them right away is the key to the problem because once I've made them I feel so much relief.

There are a number of issues that He could assist me with on a day to day level. My intentions are good about getting to bed well before midnight but often don't come off and I'd certainly like to commit more to a sustained exercise programme and a writing time everyday. On that score I could do with help, although I know that it is nobodies responsibility but mine to sort it.

Over the past years I've gained so much from meditation that if this fantasy Dominant were to insist that I go to my meditation cushion for an hour a day I know he'd turn around my life. Nearly everyone who learns meditative practice can't seem to commit to daily practice but the benefits would be so huge that the thought of someone ensuring I do so is a huge turn on for me, an act of love if ever there was one. I include this in many fantasies and it's not at all uncommon in those fantasies to be sent there with a really sore bottom either, which is a particularly enticing fantasy for me.

I think said fantasy Dominant would put some further work into respect. Whilst I acknowledge his rights over me I do have my own opinions and when silenced on them can find myself becoming somewhat feisty. I am not at all sure that holding in thoughts for long periods is wise for me and fantasy Dom would probably do best to encourage me to air them but in the most respectful and tactful of manners, accepting that his word is final. I am well aware that frustration can lead me to blurt and I've not met a dominant yet who enjoys my blurting, oddly enough. (Added note: I did a Crystal Bowls Playing Meditation last night with emphasis on opening up the heart chakra and experienced great insight last night, which I'll explain at a later time.)

Someone firm, someone who laid down expectations and demanded that they be followed, allowing for some natural reticence on my part to always be told what to do (it's a hard balancing act, I know...) would work best. I am smiling at the memory of my husband saying to me recently after we had had words, 'You'd have steamrollered a weak man within the week'. Okay, that's probably true.

This whole piece of writing was prompted by a little video I saw this week. It wasn't easy to gauge for sure if this was a husband/wife scenario or not but for my purposes I made it so. She was bent over the edge of the bed bottom bared, her knees resting on a wooden bench at the end of the bed. He took off his belt saying something to her that I did not quite get but after about four whacks with it, and whilst she whimpered, he said, 'It makes my point quite clearly, I think.' 'Yes, Sir,' she said. He began to whip her again and as he did, she reached a point where her elbows came off the bed and she raised up a little.

'Keep your elbows on the bed. Don't make me have to start over again,' he said. It wasn't what he said that impressed me but that his tone of voice didn't change. He continued to talk to her in a conversational way, as if they were talking about what to do with their Saturday afternoon over a sandwich at the kitchen table. But, she knew he was a man of his word. She did, later in the video take her elbows off the bed, but just for a fraction of a second and quite instinctively, returning them immediately to their rightful position.

When her punishment was over, he returned the belt between the keepers of his trousers, and had her 'take a seat' on the wooden bench. She's a model, I know, paid to do this, but it seemed pretty obvious to me that she was holding her bottom slightly off the seat by putting some pressure into her hands. It really did hurt. He proceeded to talk to her conversationally in a low tone.

'What will happen if you don't do as told?'
'I'll be spanked, Sir'
'Spanked often and soundly', he remarked, perfectly calmly.
'Yes, Sir'
'I'm expecting 90% or higher on your next assignment. I won't tolerate low grades. Is that clear?'
'Yes, Sir.'
'Any lower than that and there will be a much harder spanking next week.'
'Yes, Sir'

When he left the room she lay down on the bed and it then became clear what a very sound spanking she'd taken. Something told me that if this were real life she'd study her little pants off that week to avoid another trip over the edge of the bed.

My head tells me that it is each adults personal  responsibility to motivate themselves towards self directed behaviour. We are all capable, with adequate will and intent to change anything about our behaviour that isn't working well. But, it remains an exciting thought for me that a Dominant would assist in this way.

The Dominant in the video didn't rant and scream, didn't do anything but quietly and assuredly reminded her that he was there to administer the motivation she required any time that it was needed. He didn't hug or administer 'after care' either. He had assumed the role of her Disciplinarian for the moment and he wasn't shirking at his task. Whilst there was no evidence of love per se, he would be the same man (and I'm assuming this because I want to assume it) that would make tender love to her that night in the same bed as was her 'whipping post' earlier in the day.

My fantasy Dominant would pretty quickly work out that would work for me too, when there would  become a settled period where I achieved my goals. That's the theory, anyway.

Understanding

It's fun to play 'house' like all the other gals, and some days I can read the local newspaper or watch the 'PBS Newshour' with a real fascination. I'll converse with my husband about the evermore bizarre decisions of the Liberal Party here, truly wonderous at how people could get it so wrong. Messing with Medicare, putting power in the hands of University Chancellors to determine fee structures, giving a Knighthood to Prince Phillip...what will they dream up next? And, what made them think they could get away with these notions? Australians only put up with so much disturbance of our way of life and if they don't know that, they don't deserve to be in power.

But, the truth is that I can't sustain for too long an overwhelming interest in the everyday world. I'm constantly lured into the world of literature, of  Radio National, classical music and dance. When my husband opened up conversation at a lovely dinner out last night, telling me how much he enjoyed my Tumblr recently, it seemed an invitation to speak more of my inner landscape. I had heard an interview that day and I told him something of the wonderful Graeme Murphy who guided the Sydney Dance Theatre for many years to world acclaim. If you have seen 'Mao's Last Dancer' then you know something of Graeme Murphy's superb choreography.

'If we had boundless cash, and I know we don't, I'd take out a subscription for us to The Australian Ballet and the MTC and other companies.'

'Well, maybe we should just go ahead and do that anyway...'

After nearly 40 years together we've come to accept one another for who we are. He no longer says to me when I ask some political question I should know the answer to, 'How could you not know that?'

And, I no longer suggest that maybe he should read a novel some time, knowing full well that it will never happen.

We are as different as chalk and cheese and yet he has met me more than half way when he treats me like the object that I love to be; uses me without waiting for invitation or acceptance of his advances; helps me into that space where real life completely melts away and where I am most free and...me.

He recognizes, and accepts, that I live in my head, probably too empathic and sentimental; probably too prepared to forgive. It can't be an entirely good thing to wake up early each morning now wondering if the two imprisoned Australian men (of the Bali 9 group) in Indonesia who attempted to smuggle drugs have been transported to an island to await the firing squad, and to feel pain on their behalf.

And, yet, I do. If it is not possible to make the case of true and real transformation, if there is to be no forgiveness, then what does that say of us as people? We can't make a decision if we don't know the whole story and the whole story is only known by so few. The lawyers are fighting for every minute because as each minute goes by the debate over capital punishment is louder.

'I'm thinking of volunteering for Lifeline', I tell my daughter.

'Oh, I don't think so, Mum. You won't be able to switch off from the pain you hear.'

I'm not an outlyer of society but rather someone who feels too much. Lord knows, "the woman with emotions" isn't nearly as appealing as the girl who bunkers down into that object space, and that's especially true from my vantage point let alone anyone elses perception of my value.

Personalities within BDSM players

I recently read an article based on research done that compared BDSM players to standard groups based on the criteria of personality types. The researcher used the following personality factors - neuroticism, extraversion, openness to experience, conscientiousness and agreeableness. (I'm sorry I can't get back to the relevant article but if I find it I'll link it here.)

 As his research progressed he felt he may have stumbled upon a sixth personality factor relevant to the research - honesty/humility. People who identify as 'submissive' score particularly high on their 'desire to obey and be subjugated', seek self-basement and humiliation, and the researcher wondered if humiliation and humility might be related. In the same way people who identified as 'dominant' might be the opposite - possess a desire to feel superior to others, he speculated.

To return to the research findings, and bearing in mind that the researcher felt that these findings were by no means hard and fast, with there being some possible questions still in relation to the control group, some interesting theories emerged.

If one considers one of the factors of personality the researcher considered, agreeableness, dominants and submissives tend to be on the opposite sides of the scale. The definition of agreeableness used was pleasantness and consideration for the comforts of other people. Submissive people tended to be about the same as the control people on this criteria, but dominants were low. They tend to be "tough rather than tender minded' with a willingness to make hard decisions. They are "bossy" people and demanding in the way they relate to others. (What a shock!)

The researcher speculated, and this is interesting because I have read many people make a statement that is opposite to this, that the majority of people drawn to roles reflect rather than compensate for their normal personalities.  People into BDSM, he felt, generally prefer the role that fits their own level of agreeableness. (I agree with this.)

In general life people tend to find disagreeableness as annoying and rude. Dominants, he determined, were "relatively shameless, self-confident, not easily embarrassed" and not guilty or shy about inflicting punishments. But, in the roles of BDSM "doms have found a way to express their disagreeableness in a way that is actually welcomed and appreciated by submissive partners".

This makes sense to me. I know I am often spoken to in a way that most women wouldn't care for. But, I process it differently. The bossiness is appealing to me, especially if 'bimbo' is present. It gives me tingles down my spine. It makes me feel alive. It's an "oh thank god, he's feeling particularly dominant today" feeling that comes as such a relief, usually. I'm much less excited when I am being hauled over the coals I should mention, or when the dominant is choosing to 'railroad' me with a deep, angry, aggressive tone of voice.

If one considers another factor of personality - extraversion - what he had to say about submissives particularly interested me. It appears we might be more extraverted than the control group; that is more sociable and assertive. (More assertive? Really? How interesting) It also appears that we may have a particularly friendly outgoing nature. We are excitement seeking. He doesn't mean that we necessarily like riding roller coasters (I pathologically hate to do that) but rather that the attention and the unpredictability in role-playing satisfies our need for excitement. I think this is absolutely right. I love the tango of BDSM. I light up when I am around a man being a little dominant with me in a playful way in almost any situation.

What alarmed me was what the researcher had to say about neuroticism; that is anxious attachment, a need for approval and sensitivity to rejection, all submissive traits. Dominants scored significantly low -the statistically largest different between groups - on neuroticism, rejection sensitivity and the need for approval. The alarm is based on the fact that rejection sensitivity and a need for approval are negatively correlated with subjective well-being; in other words happiness. Dominants scored high in happiness, he determined, concluding that most of the psychological benefits associated with BDSM belong to Dominants. (High extraversion + low neuroticism = greater overall happiness)

Of course these are all generalizations and don't relate to any two particular people and their relationship. However, the findings are worthy of consideration, especially as I compare them to literature given to me by my psychologist a few years ago. Those readers who have been around a while may remember that my psychologist identified in me a need to please people such that she felt that I was subjugating myself into unhappiness. I was allowing people to control me, she said. The article she gave me to read and make notes on so that we could discuss it stated, "Subjugation robs you of a clear sense of what you want and need - of who you are".

In the article there were two main reasons given why people subjugate themselves and the one that relates to me (since I don't subjugate myself out of guilt, though maybe to relieve the pain of others at times) is that people subjugate because they anticipate rejection, retaliation, or abandonment. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a dominant this morning and he made the point that a submissive can never, in a sense, relax. I responded that she can relax so long as she is perfect (haha) and this may, in fact, be relevant to the point here. The dynamic is set up specifically and intentionally to challenge the submissive and hence a bit of fear/concern/neuroticism about how she is doing and whether she has pleased is part and parcel of the game. We need to be aware of this, that the game is rigged against us, and not take it too personally, maybe.

To return to the subjugation article I was given to read, "It is part of the subjugation trap for you to believe it is somehow wrong for you to express your needs." That's true. I've definitely made that mistake (although allowing my submissiveness out with a strict dominant is one of my most vital needs).

The good news is that in the past few days there has been revelatory thought about that. I've lived for years, via the BDSM roles, with the feeling that I was on the cusp of being abandoned. Maybe, that was accurate. I really have no way of knowing this. But, I realized something lately that has freed me in my mind and made me much less neurotic and therefore more able to maintain a sense of happiness. Here it is. I am not likely to be abandoned at all. For one thing, I have been married for 35 years later this year. That's pretty stable! And, my mentor and I have endured one another (nah, I really mean forged a lasting and valuable friendship of sorts) that has spanned well over 5 years in length. It's time to stop feeling that I might be abandoned at any minute, don't you agree? And, if I am, well, I'll deal with that then and not today.

I honestly do and always will hate not pleasing. I loathe to be in the bad books and to be punished, especially through dismissal for a time. I think it makes me feel like the little girl that I never was, since I never was really punished. Punishment also makes me dwell on my weaknesses which is never easy either. I know I can be a 'hot head' and 'full of myself' and punishment makes me admit it, even if just to myself.

I think the meditation has helped, reading lots of spiritual words. I worry less about what will come later and live much more in the moment. I don't try to push for what I want so much, more confident in the fact that good things will come my way in good time.

I trust, not just in those dominant powers that influence my life, but in life in general. Sure, there is a bad and violent force in the world but I stand with the Headmaster of my son's previous school when he says 'There is more good than there is bad.'

I think there are tremendous psychological benefits to being in the submissive role but one must develop a strong inner self, an understanding that we must express what we need and want, and that, when all is said and done, we do what we do, dominant and submissive, because we crave intimacy. Even when my masochistic needs are incredibly high and I crave the nastiness of the dominant to dig his fangs deep into my skin, that's all about intimacy too. We can be vulnerable and strong at the same moment.

I think the research this man has done points out some important tendencies in BDSM players which must be considered and evaluated. It's vital that submissive people recognize that they can be vulnerable people and then work on those tendencies towards neuroticism. It's also important, I would say, that dominant people work on their tendency to be "relatively shameless". That can't be good.

Meaning in fantasy

I think of a fantasy as a private screening of a short movie. We sit as a sole audience member and the story unfolds. It was after a fantasy this week that I found myself wondering why it would be that a fantasy devised just for me would include something in the story line that I don't want.

The man to whom I had been betrothed, on the understanding that he was my leader and rule maker, had taken me for the first time to his bedroom. It was a lovely room with a big bed, but after he showed me the bedroom he led me to an alcove, a separate little spot where there was a low bed up against a wall and some restraints attached to the wall. This was where I would often sleep, he told me.

He said no more than that and as the person under his charge, and new to the household, I accepted this news with surprise but not alarm. I'd been educated in the ways of dominant men at the Institution where I had voluntarily enrolled to find a suitable husband. It was this man who had chosen me after numerous visits to the Institution where he watched me closely, especially as I reacted to him. If this was the way he wanted it to be, then so be it.

Later, dressed and out in the world, my mind returned to this fantasy and I found myself wondering why I would allow into my fantasy (if that is in fact what one does - allow?) something that I find most unappealing. I adore to sleep snuggled up to my husband, half on his chest. I sleep best this way, deeper, more relaxed and peaceful, so why would my mind imagine a scenario where I slept on my own, even restrained to the wall, as being pleasing?

Later still, a memory popped into my head which helped me understand what was going on here. My first boyfriend came into my life when I was 18 years old. His older brother was a friend of a friend and we became very close. We weren't ever intimate but he'd take great comfort from my body, sometimes driving me (way too fast) far into the country and then wrapping himself around me for comfort. His home life was complicated and he was looking for feminine solace from me, not sex. Over time, his younger brother, my age, made his moves and our relationship developed into a sexual one. I lost my viriginity to him on a boat.

He'd take me home to his father's house, or his mother's house, since they were in the process of separating. His mother had moved away to the sea, to the holiday house which was in fact her own house,  and his father remained in the family home with the children. It was a fantasy house for me, everything I could ever want. It was old, rambling and, for me, magical. It had a huge veranda, big windows that looked onto an overgrown expansive garden with plenty of fruit trees.

His father was always very welcoming and I revelled in the conversations over dinner there. He was a medical specialist, a little odd for sure, but in the best way as far as I was concerned. It amazed me how he would sit down by the fire with a bunch of eighteen year old misfit lads and give them his time and wisdom in a way that didn't seem at all preachy or fatherly. I'd never experienced anything quite like the atmosphere of that house and I loved it.

Stan had a girlfriend, a beautiful Italian girl and she would sometimes be at the house. We all embraced her as his love, but of course it wasn't a particularly straightforward situation for any of us. The mother, a beautiful, elegant and refined English woman who had grown up in India, had been passed over, let's face it, and the boys were torn in their loyalties. Still, to see the two of them together, often just sitting side by side nursing a drink and talking softly to one another somehow assured us that this love affair was meant to be and I genuinely was fond of them both.

Sometimes, Lucy would go home at night quite late. I distinctly remember Stan relating the story of kissing her good night and putting her in her little car only to be sitting on the veranda that late summer night and hearing the sound of the car crash in the distance and just knowing that it was her. Of course, he went immediately to her and took her to hospital where he personally put her back together again.

Sometimes, she would sleep over. It was a really big house and there was just no way she wanted to walk into the marital bedroom. So, Stan set himself up in a sitting room with a bedroom that was set off from that sitting room. It had a double bed in there, but there was also a small single bed, a cot really, in the sitting room, in a far corner of the sitting room and often Lucy slept there. I know for a fact it was a passionately physical relationship but there were evenings when her mind could not handle that she was sleeping with a married man with his teenagers in other parts of the house and she would choose to sleep in the little single bed.

There is something about this, I am sure now, that my brain processed as 'erotic'. He was so deeply in love with her, her boss in more ways than one, and yet it was agreed that sometimes she would sleep alone in a little single bed in an area adjacent to his bed. All my kinky mind needed to do was add a few restraints whereby she waited for him to release her in the morning as it suited him, and my fantasy was complete.

If we could burrow deep into the subconscious mind I'm sure this sort of material is available to us. I don't think we make the whole enchilada up ourselves but rather some experiences are simply 'processed' as being erotic, desired; beautiful.

In more recent times I've processed, it would seem, some very unpleasant situations as part and parcel of a loving/caring kinky relationship.

Yet, when I think about the content of my fantasies, never in any of my fantasies has rejection of more than an hour or so at best played a part. I can't  translate rejection into something that is arousing. I'm punished plenty in my fantasies but I'm never rejected. The punishments are always part of the love and devotion that he feels for me as he steers me towards a deeper, more connected life together. I accept the discipline as part of my love for him secure in the knowledge that he adores me.  Anything and everything that happens in my many fantasies relate to coming closer together in some way.

 Any sense of being intentionally emotionally absent by an Owner is entirely absent from my fantasy life with particularly harsh treatment left to be dished out by those who have no emotional attachment to me whatsoever. To my mind, rejection and love/affection are quite alien and cannot be aligned.

Perhaps, a little too far this time...

In The Sex Diaries Bettina Arndt discusses the impact on couples whose sexual desire and appetite differ markedly. There are categories of women in the book and I'm a "ripe tomato", a woman whose appetite for sex hasn't dimmed at all with age and who desires a steady supply of sex with her partner. Bettina outlines in her book how sad it can be for such women when their partners are no longer, or never were, as robustly interested in a sexual/physical relationship as them.

Although she may feel she has offered an answer for such women, unfortunately, there really is no sustainable  solution offered for this dilemma. Sure, men can go and discuss with their doctors if they might get an injection of testosterone into their systems, should they be short of that hormone, but if that isn't the problem, then there is little else on offer. In short, the woman goes without. "It's just age," doctors tend to suggest, as if a woman is really too greedy to be asking for sustenance for her mind and body after the age of 55 or so. It strikes me as cruel to even speak these words.

When a woman is in this position, in an otherwise loving marriage, she must rely on other means to satisfy her appetite, which is simply there, whether she likes it or not. I have always masturbated, since the earliest of ages, but masturbation has been strikingly important to me in latter years. Without some sort of release via an orgasm that I provide for myself, by hook or by crook, I think I might implode. I'm referring to my mind and my body here. I need that satiation as much as I need water, sleep, and air.

Somehow, for some reason, my mentor decided that it was fitting that I be challenged in new ways. It all started some months ago, that I edge six times a day. As with all new challenges I did it, not sure what it was all about, where it would go or how long it would last. I just did it. 'Bimbo' is like that. She just does things.

As time went by the appetite was voracious. I didn't need an order to do this activity. I had to do it. My body and my mind compelled me to touch and the really sadistic thing about all of this is that even if I decided that I would cum, disobey and have an orgasm, the simple fact was that I could no longer orgasm no matter how hard I tried. My body was now wired to want more and more but to be unable to climax.

Over that period of time I was given two opportunities to orgasm, if I did something in particular at the same time (sorry, you can't have every last detail of my life) - tantamount to orgasm on command. Of course, I did it. Who knew if or when I'd be released from this ordeal again?!

Here's the confession. Gulp. One day, alone in the house on my own, and sure I would surely go mad if I didn't get some physical relief I threw everything at my own satiation, inserting anal beads, filling myself utterly and touching, until, in a pool of sweat and almost passing out with the effort required, I climaxed. It was life or death. I had to be relieved of that ever-pressing desire for physical release. It only happened once but I still feel guilty about it, at the same time as I know that I would do it all over again. There simply was no choice.

Weeks after this situation, a full month later, my body was screaming out for release again. To explain, sex does take place but my body is only ramped up by certain sexual interludes and seeks the second round. If sex with my husband happens, say, once in the month, there is no real profound release of the appetite, but, the opposite situation - the need for an intense orgasm is ramped further up. I asked my mentor if I could forgo my regimen for one day - for release of the voracious appetite hopefully, but also to restore my sanity which seemed to be failing me. I felt nothing more or less than a bitch on heat, a one track mind, a sexual object at the mercy of a sadist.

Of course, he said "no". I tried to assuage him and he said "no" again. I thought I took the decree calmly. I don't recall being particularly upset at the time, but later that day I was so exhausted, my body so changed, my mind so desperate, I looked up, per chance over masturbation and started to see what was happening to me. Worse, the literature suggested that my mitochondrial system may have been weakened.

I freaked. I rebelled. I took myself to a health store and bought a product designed to restore the energy of the body and to heal the mitochondrial system. I reduced my masturbation regime. I could not have stopped if I tried. But, after a few days I could sense my body recovering. My mind seemed less busy and challenged and my body had feeling again. In those few days, I came, twice. Thank the Lord.

Of course, I am currently in the process of being punished and it's hard to justify any other outcome. I disobeyed - blatantly disobeyed - and I showed disrespect. Guilty. I plead Guilty.

But, in my defense, did I do those things, or was it the horny, voracious slut which I had been transformed into that did those things? Was she not driven to despair? (Think Dana as Zuul and you get the idea...)

It's most unlikely to ever be viewed this way. You can spin 'logic' around to make the world look upside down, if you want. But, there's a case to be made for this: 'Whoooops, may have pushed her toooooo far this time...'

That's okay. I don't need to hear the words. That's what this blog is for.