Thursday, April 26, 2018

Writing less

I was remarking to someone last night who has kept reams of notes over her life, as have I, that there is less of a need for me to create words on the page.

It's an interesting phenomena since the written word has been how I have tried to make sense of things in the main.

For months now I have noticed that words wash over me, and that when particular words sparkle for me, capture my attention, I embody them. There is not the slightest need nor desire to write them down. The rest I can let go, like leaves blowing in the breeze.

To this end, this journal is less used now. I write far less in a nutting out kind of way.

I am hoping this opens the door to write, when the time and space is available, in a more creative and fiction oriented way. I had to let that go as I worked through things in my own mind.

Still, it's not over until the fat lady sings and who knows when I will feel an impulse to record something here.

Life certainly isn't always as I'd like it to be. Yet, my heart and my mind have developed this deep sense of compassion - not worry, but compassion - for others, including myself - that I find myself living in a very quiet space most of the time; calm, relatively relaxed.

For whatever I've gone through, so have we all gone through challenges in our own unique and personal way. It is the human condition.

And yet we rise. We rebuild. We heal. We are all amazing.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Having an opinion

In a synergistic relationship such as a power exchange, there can sometimes be a sense that when these two very different people come together they should  think alike. The fact is, however, that couples fight and usually they fight because they have differing views. This needs to be sorted out in some way for the sake of cohesion. Maybe there is compromise, or co-operation, or one defers to the other. Each relationship has its own formula.

I honestly don't see one sort of agreement or arrangement as being better than another. It's about what makes the people involved content and satisfies their personalities. I think  that a close relationship is designed to rub the rough edges off each other anyway; to investigate issues left over from the past and to make accommodations for the strengths and weaknesses of each person. With every challenge in life we learn something, so if we are not challenged much, the downside of that is that there is less chance of learning more about yourself or extending yourself. I don't mean this in terms of external achievements but rather getting closer to yourself and understanding yourself more. I see this as one of life's big undertakings. Content and settled people make an underestimated difference to this world.

Ideally, there is a certain meeting in the middle with relationships. It's unlikely to be a good thing to be too far to the left or the right in your desire for control or your desire to control. It's unlikely to be a good thing if you can't be  alone with yourself or find your own company satisfying. The love for yourself is what you share with the world so loving yourself is no small thing; absolutely vital.

No matter my kinky nature, that instinctive and natural tendency towards submission and service, even humiliation and shame in a scene, I've always, and I mean always, thought of myself as a separate entity in this world. I really don't need anyone to agree with me for agreement sake. I make up my own mind. Sometimes, I am wrong and I adjust my thinking accordingly. But, I never feel that my husband, my extended family, my friends or anyone else is obliged to agree with me on any matter, because they should. We're all unique, sometimes deeply challenging souls.

I'm not sure it's such a great thing to be too good. I've been good, loyal, faithful and I am happy I am that way, because those things matter to me at the soul level, but every now and then something rises up and I want to shake things up a bit. It's not a good thing, in my opinion, to give someone heaps of control and let them run with it for long stretches without reminding them  that being good, the person they want me to be, isn't always how I am.

I get triggered by things said. I get annoyed. I get frustrated. I can be diplomatic, and go away and process my anger/frustration/annoyance, because I am darn good at that now. Yet, the spirit demands to have the odd conversation where one might say something that provokes, for sure, but is also my truth in the moment.

When you provoke someone who wants control and control over you too, they tend to provoke you back. Funny that! Well, that's just the way it has to be in the odd moment. There is flesh and blood you're dealing with here. There's passion. I'm no wind up doll.

In that space of being a toy, a doll, what have you, there's a chance to empty the mind, which is one of the main reasons I like that space so much. The other reason is just simply that I don't know why I like that space so much. I just do. By and large, there's no reason to think. Someone else is doing that for you, and so these little rebellious moments aren't a shift in psyche at all. I am, in my own way almost saying, 'Just watch it. I'm no pushover.' which is a point my husband has made before, that after an intense scene it can be a dangerous time.

That's a good thing, probably, protecting you both from taking yourselves too seriously. I don't know why I sometimes rock the boat, honestly. It just happens, probably little grudges that I've held onto and in the moment I am triggered again by that unpleasant feeling. You'd have to hone down deeper than I am willing to do right now; no time for that.

I was accused recently of being "uppity" which really got my goat. But, I am wondering now if that might have some little thing to do with  my rather new very close relationship with myself, which may possibly feel alienating in some way. Here's the goal and the outcome: I can easily just be. Not particularly invested in anyone's opinions or ways, nor in expressing my own, there is much more space to hone down to my essence, my soul, or whatever word you can find that defines that part of me that came into the world in the form of a body but that is not my body and certainly not my mind.

It's hard to talk about but I can close my eyes now, in a train or sitting at my desk, or laying in my bed and get in touch with that essence with which I came into the world such that when I open my eyes I say, 'Ah, yes, this is life on Earth. What will the next minutes bring me in way of an experience?' This keeps me interested, enchanted, quite fascinated with life.

Do I worry about this life ending? Of course, I do. I have loved ones here that I'd miss and who would miss me. Endings are not for sissies. Still, I am less troubled by the thought of death, more confident that those I love will find their own way. It's a form of letting go.

I am a little discouraged when I see people so invested in demanding that their views are the right views. Certainly, some information is better than others. Even if you look at something like the value of soy products, there is so much information on both sides, and it's hard for the consumer to get to the truth of the matter. The truth of such matters counts. But, again, one has to quietly make up one's own mind, unless you are someone touting the value of soy products, or on the other side, and then you have a important responsibility to offer the best science out there.

Perhaps this is why I am not inclined to say 'I agree with you', as so many people want you to do, as if my opinion should matter to them, in some way affect how they feel. I am quiet because I am processing. Does that make sense to me? Is that right? I have my own opinions to be sure, and am sometimes gullible, too willing to listen to anything before I discard it probably, but this seems the right thing to do, for me.

Unfortunately, some people are very invested in their partners thinking just how they think, agreeing with them openly and often. But, marriage or even a power exchange relationship should not demand that people think alike. I tend to skate around this. I tend to hold my own counsel even in the midst of nodding or listening quietly. Mostly quiet and self-contained, I can defer most of the time, but remain my own person. There's no changing that.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Disciplinary thoughts

Some people in the know feel that kinks can be best understood by examining the day dreams one has when in the midst of private arousal. Of course, my day dreams relate to a very clear dynamic where I don't have much control at all. In fact, in the day dreams any sort of negotiation isn't available, whereas in real life, I aim to negotiate when things aren't how I'd like them to be. That's the big difference between my fantasy and my reality. If I was told to have my nails cut in a stiletto style, I'd do just about anything to get out of that, but in the fantasy, well, it would just happen; be supervised. Boom! I'd have what I think of as evil claws. In my fantasy I might even like them, though I am doubtful of that.

That said, I do enjoy situations in real life where it's like my fantasies. As one would expect, I don't necessarily like everything that happens in those situations and yet it unfailingly arouses me at the same time. That's the push/pull that gets submissives hooked, I think. Maybe it's fun to have to do something you don't want to do, but not always. What it is is satisfying to know that the Other is serious about getting his way, at least for this experience and for other experiences in the future. There's a sense of comfort in that sort of mental bondage that is as snuggly as being under a woolen blanket in from of an open fire on a dark and freezing winter night.

In the fantasies, discipline is a major part of the scenario, because, well, because that gets me off. Obviously, I am going to conjure the situation that does it for me. In real life, I'm less interested in being disciplined, except to say that when that has happened I am even more horny than I am in my private fantasy. I hate it and yet I love it, which is quite a dilemma, not just for me but for many submissive types, I would imagine.

To give an example, in the fantasies it is often the case that I am sent by someone who is my superior to someone who is even more superior to him or her. There's a waiting time. It might be a minute or two or it might be an  hour or more. This time is a time of reflection and self recrimination. 'If only' time, I call it. If only I had held my tongue. If only I had done it the way I was supposed to do it.

Also, it's a time for those above me to really drive the message home with plenty of humiliation, making me feel like a naughty child. So, I'm often sent to a wall with my nose pushed into it. I'm often told to raise my dress to keep ever present in my mind the attention my ass is almost certainly going to receive. They like, I feel sure, for me to fuss about what instrument will be used and for how long I'll be beaten. I oblige.

There's no 'it hurts me more than it hurts you' speech when I am finally called in. It's about the necessity of the exercise to impress on my mind that what I did I must never do again. It's all about that, with lots of emphasis on statements such as 'a girl must do as she is told'.

In real life, this sort of scene would be terribly taxing. Imagine holding one's nose to the wall for an hour imagining what comes next. And, imagine the speech and then the sentence, and settling oneself into position for a beating that absolutely will impress on the mind that a girl should never get herself into such a situation again.

And, yet, a mind blowingly orgasmic experience too! I think what I like about it best is that it would be a most rare scene. But, it happened once, and hence it could happen again. One takes that thought and makes jam out of it for months and months. It's an incredibly delicious thought that reminds one there is a power exchange in play, which for certain people is as good as it gets.

I'm not even sure I should write about what really goes on in this mind of mine because it is intense, deep, ongoing and all pervasive. One only has to say certain things in a certain way, make certain moves, be committed to taking control, and my mind is right there, so much that I feel a need to hide to what extent it is really going on under my skin and between my legs. It's something one feels obliged to keep under wraps out of fear; fearful of getting what one wants.

I don't know. I've held this side of me in for so long, it has oozed out of its own accord. This girl is on fire. (I think I stole that line from  a song...)