Calm

 There's the obvious ebb and flow of the four seasons that make up a year, maybe the ebb and flow of an academic year. There's the ebb and flow of the work week and the weekend, depending on your work schedule, and, of course, the ebb and flow of the daytime hours and the nighttime hours. 

Unless we pay attention, we take these changes for granted, unless you've trained yourself to notice, perhaps, that time of day when you make yourself a cup of coffee, or when you notice the sun start to be lower in the sky, or when it is getting dark, and you turn on a salt lamp.

 It's like someone actually making a note on a piece of paper to remember something, except this time, it's a mental note such as 'we are moving towards evening'. I think of it as being in sync with the Universe.

In a similar way, you might notice the ebb and flow of your energy levels; when you feel energized to complete tasks and when you need to rest. You might notice that having sat for a long period, you have a desperate desire to move your body. We aren't exactly dictating these things but rather we are noticing what is going on with us.

I noticed this morning, consciously noted, that my brain was different. I don't mean that something changed overnight, as I am sure it did not. I have half consciously noted a difference for a few weeks, perhaps, a rapidly rising difference that seems to be developing into a trait; that is, not a state, but a trait.

Various psychologists and spiritual leaders will talk about practicing states until they become traits. The example I like best is Ian Gawler who likes to say when asked how long one should meditate: Meditate until you no longer need to meditate.  That is to say, we can practice in the qualities of a state until it simply is a trait; part of us; a permanent change, so to speak.

For years I was aware I found my situation at home frustrating. I would attempt discussion about something only to find myself being closed down; I would hear an automatic rejection of what I was saying simply because I was saying it. It wasn't about everything, but it was often about something that my husband felt could be construed as his domain, a man's domain.

I came to feel that discussion was potentially dangerous and would make me feel worse rather than better. Discussion became something I avoided if I thought this would happen.

I think what happened to change the situation was the clearing out of his trauma, or a lot of it because once that happened, we had a chance to effect change.

Still, change was not going to happen without the trait of calm in me. I knew this down to my bones. I could lay it all out, but the reasons why don't really matter. 

I am aware I still experience frustration. For one thing, it had become part of my default network, a bit akin to breathing. I in no way experience only the feel-good emotions.

And yet, now I experience an emotion such as frustration as something in the background, not the foreground. This is the same as experiencing thoughts and emotions in meditation as in the background, not the foreground. Let's say, you see the balloon filled with frustration, but you can't keep hold of the string and it just floats away.

That's awfully strange, I think to myself, how come the balloon just blew away?

My husband is calmer. This helps me to be calm, for sure, but he is far from always calm, and I am nearly always calm now. 

I ponder, is this what they call 'Acceptance'? I think of a variety of people with a variety of personality differences, some wonderful and some not, and no matter who I think about, I think, 'this is what it is'. It's this mind-blowing trait wherein I feel so calm nearly all the time that I find myself thinking of the story of Eckhart Tolle where a former housemate said it was like living with someone in flotation gear.

To be clear, I am not just hanging around meditating. I move from mental to physical tasks and back again with relative ease, profoundly aware of what I have control over and what is completely outside of my control. It's all good. This is fine.

I go through periods where I am sometimes ravenously sexually hungry and then find it moves to something else eventually.  I have come to accept that what floats my boat is something over which I appear to have no control, until I do. I've learned a lot, and my mind discriminates well now. I understand these little nods to my natural persuasions; the biology of it. It is what it is.

There's a man on the streets of NYC who asks people of a certain age what it's like to be 52, or 66 or 79? They come up with amazing answers on the spot all of which relate to feeling more themselves now.

That's part of it, for sure. But I think it truly is this phenomenon of which Rick Hanson, Californian psychologist, talks; that when we practice certain desired states for long enough, they transform into traits. The brain changes, wires fire; transform.

Oddly, oh so oddly, boundaries are suddenly something that make so much sense. One still aims to please people but it's not the preoccupation it was before. One just feels so comfortable in this set of clothes; this skin.

I'm slightly terrified to write this. Will it change tomorrow? Have I jinxed it by writing these words here? I don't think so. I have worked hard at this for a good decade. It's a sense of peace well-earned and I pat myself on the back.

The Four Questions

 I have circled back several times to the work of Byron Katie. It's such a simple remedy she offers for the thoughts in our heads that often hold us back from experiencing satisfaction with our lives. Although I could see the value in it, my instincts told me to go to other places - more or less, to felt states. It seemed the right place for me since I was acutely aware that I wasn't in touch with my feelings. I printed out a few years ago a list of feelings, trying to get in touch with those states, to identify and be willing to feel them all. I credit yoga and particularly yin yoga with the great results achieved.

To explain, a few times in a typical day I ask myself the question, 'How are you feeling?'. I feel into my body for the answer and accept whatever comes up. For example, my mother is currently in palliative care. She almost passed away last week, but rallied again, and now she is offered her medication but doesn't necessarily take it, and she is offered food but doesn't necessarily eat it. She is made comfortable and left to sleep whenever she wants to. I sit beside her, and sometimes she wakes and we chat, or after a time I quietly leave her be. 

So, I ask myself 'how are you feeling about all this?' I feel that she would say, if she had the mental capacity to sum up her life on what will be her deathbed, 'I have had a great life, filled with love and fun; with dogs and plants and grandchildren. I regret nothing.' So, yes, I feel sad at saying a silent goodbye to her, but I also feel that there is so little life left, I hope that she can soon let go.

I feel some regret for her that even though she is suffering advanced dementia, she knows things. She knows my brother is gone and won't be back. She mumbles about how she can't understand that he is so far away. I feel sorry I can't change this situation for her. I feel aware of my limitations to make life sweet for those I love. I'm aware that she has been inclined to be self-centered and my brother finds that tough. I am aware that I prefer not to focus on the flaws and instead look to see the strengths. She's been remarkably strong, resilient and kind. She's a whole person. She will die as she lived, with an abundance of strengths and weaknesses. She's human.

In this waiting pattern, the never-ending journeys up and down the highway, the understanding I have that I must begin to think ahead to a funeral service, I call on patience and sit in that space of being in between - alive and noting moments of life more intensely. My mother is dying, her dog almost died at the same moment she did last week, and there is a poignancy to the details of a day. Is it the last time I bring in the dog to visit my mother? Is it the last time we exchange a smile? 

I feel particularly dismayed about the Bondi shootings, a place I have gone with my grandson, my son, my husband. How quickly life is expunged with a knife wielding person in the crowd. Our sense of safety as Australians is currently shattered. I acknowledge the sadness. The trick is to acknowledge it all, in order to allow it to move into something else.

This whole journal, at its core, has been about expressing a part of me that is not fully expressed, and can't be fully expressed in my life.  I have experienced a lot of emotions around this - frustration, sadness, anger, disappointment; maybe even some relief that I am being saved from myself. That's a thought that has sat there for decades. I know that if left to my own devices I would slide down the slippery slope of submission, further than it may be healthy to go. I strongly believe that we have a variety of selves inside us. So, there's the part that wants to glide, to not think, and there's the part that loves to think, to research, to ponder, to discuss, and to learn. It just could be that that part needs more expression, not less. I am open to inquiry, to the mystery; the unknown. 

Okay, so here's the thought on which to do The Work as devised by Byron Katie.

'My life is not complete because I cannot wholly express my submissive side.'

Q. 1 Is it true. 

Yes, I believe that to be true.

Q.2 Can you absolutely know it's true?

No. I can't absolutely know it's true. I may not like wholly expressing my submission. Maybe it would be giving up too much of other parts of myself. Maybe I can find completion in some other way. Maybe my life is already complete.

Q. 3 How do you react - what happens - when you believe that thought?

I feel self-pity. I feel stymied. I feel frustrated that I can't get cooperation. I feel closed down and sad.

Q. 4 Who would you be without that thought?

I would be free of unfulfilled expectation. I would be free of 'shoulds'. I would be open, and open to new possibilities. I would be healed. 

Turn the statement around...

My life is complete even though I cannot fully express my submissive side.

I can fully express my submissive side.

My life is complete because I can wholly express my submissive side.

For Byron Katie, the task is to get to the statement, 'I have everything I need here right now.'

Is it possible that making too much of this part of us - and it is just a part - be that submissive or dominant - is actually hiding from clear view...contentedness??

DD versus D/s

 I happened to see on Instagram a post that said, 'These are the three words that saved my marriage' (and it's not I love you'). I was sufficiently curious and went to the link to discover that the three words were 'You do you.'

There's merit to this approach. Maybe especially in the D/s space there's a strong chance you are partnered with someone the opposite of you in so many ways. So, to be understanding, maybe even celebratory about the differences is a good thing. It doesn't take much thought to realize that if you have a submissive bent and your partner does too, that's not the dynamic you're looking for. 

A certain amount of frustration, to put it mildly, is going to ensue about these differences, however, it has to be said. Great to have an understanding of the other's quirks and areas of paramount difference to your own, but not so great when those differences impact your life adversely.

I was on a hunt for something a bit different to roll around in my mind and came across this DD, or is it CDD, site where there was an enormous emphasis on training a wife to be neat and tidy, competent, responsible, to do the household chores. Men were on there, and the wives too, talking about laundry, or not doing the laundry. There was talk about being lazy and forgetting to charge the mobile phone before one went out with the children.

This was like reading about people so different to me, I really couldn't relate. I have always been the one to do all the laundry, even long before we married. No-one, and I mean no-one could ever call me lazy. I am, nearly all the time, in constant motion, doing things and achieving tasks. Honestly, I am the one trying to motivate anyone who might help me to achieve all these goals I have in my head.

There are little things brought to my attention. My children will say I have kept too much of their art projects, but when I try to throw them out, they have second thoughts. My desk doesn't always look like that of an anal retentive, but it's not bad either. I regularly discard what's not needed. I am somewhere between a houseproud person and a tiny bit messy, depending on the day and the time of day. Put it this way. My husband isn't complaining, unless I try to make steps to work on his study which is absolutely his 'den (of too much stuff)'.

So, these DD sites (well one in particular) was both a massive turn on for me and at the same, somewhat ridiculous, in my mind.

These husbands weren't into spanking as a turn on. Not. At. All. This was about training, discipline; results; outcomes. There was talk about a wife being ready to submit to her husband on a moment's whim, regardless of exhaustion and so on, but there was next to no talk about play, per se. This was business. This was the man taking his responsibility seriously, to guide his wayward wife in the right direction by ensuring she had all the necessary corporal discipline to train her to be the best wife.

I had a very brief exchange sort of lately with the hypnotist wherein he mentioned a self-discipline contract. I had to look this up and indeed it's a thing. You decide on your goal, commit to it in writing, sign it, and give yourself some consequences, if you err. He emphasized that he wasn't prescribing this for me and he definitely didn't want me self-punishing. Honestly, I just mulled the whole thing.

The DD blogs suggest to me at least, that a woman, a wife, needs her husband's guidance to ensure that she is suitably disciplined by him such that she is a good wife; that she is not capable of doing this for herself. They suggest that there is a right way to do things, and this right way is known by him, not her. But with the right guidance, he can teach her, instill a bit of fear of doing the wrong thing basically, and Bob's your Uncle, you've got the wife of your dreams.

There's some implication that women are addle headed, incompetent, lazy, that really irks me. I hope you got that long before I wrote that sentence. And I am not saying that this approach, done in a lighter way, wouldn't work with some women. The harshness written about there worked with the women commenting. They rarely complained in an overwhelming way. They had been 'trained' not to complain. If I get a spanking, the result is I feel softer. I don't complain either. There's a bit of mystery around this.

Having said that, I am at peace with a man saying to his wife, a wife that wants a power exchange with her man, 'I don't want you doing things this way, I want you to do them that way.' That way may just be his obsessive compulsive nature showing through, but nonetheless, if a woman wants that dynamic, I think it's perfectly all right to submit to his wants and desires. I say this assuming it is understood that the man and woman are equals (or whatever the make up of the couple), equally capable of running their own lives but don't necessarily want to.

I've been mulling the DD space and the D/s space, thinking about what makes it different and what makes it the same. In D/s and DD the man is expecting, demanding, respect, as in the D/s space, but in DD it feels to me that there is less respect for the woman/wife. In D/s you submit because you want to, because that arouses something deep in your core, your soul. You may have all the degrees, the big career, the prestige, the wealth, not to submit, and yet you do, because it just makes senses to your inner being and to your sexuality. Not once in all the dozens of comments I read by women on that site did even one talk about how aroused it all made her. Maybe she thought it was wrong to admit to it. I simply do not know.

In my own marriage, things were not going well at all at the same time as the hypnotist and I met one another, via his podcast. He assured me he could sort things out. It was sort of hit and miss for a time, but he was right. A lot came right, came back on line, once we both started treating one another respectfully and in a D/s sort of way.

How did that happen? Well, he cleared my husband of a lot of pent up negative emotions. He led me deeper into what we call my slave mentality. He got us having intense sex again. It wasn't DD doctrine but rather making both people responsible for the sexual dynamic. It was very much about me developing boundaries. I didn't see any evidence of the DD wives having boundaries. That's another difference I noted. In one case, a woman wrote in who was clearly being abused, and there was no suggestion for her to start creating boundaries about what she would not tolerate. There was no talk about being two independent people and creating interdependence; none that I could see.

I think too the hypnotist encouraged my husband to give me autonomy, to delegate if you like, tasks to me. This was a log jam for us that needed to be cleared. I am someone who needs to achieve progress. Hold me back and I am going to experience extreme frustration.

I am not here to say that spanking isn't effective, or can be effective, to achieve necessary changes. There's a certain necessary humility in a D/s power exchange that's part of the deal, and a spanking can achieve that humility. I know I feel more myself when I am bossed around, in whatever capacity. If you want to tap into that slave mindset that sits there, like an itch that needs to be scratched, spanking can do it.

But, on this DD website I was reading, it's such a go-to that it seems bordering on something else. I don't know. It just seemed...excessive...brainwashing, and not in a good way.

It's not entirely black and white here. The hypnotist, a long-time player in the M/s space believes passionately that there are far too many 'good guys' and he is not alone. He's not a punisher though, not these days, but rather doesn't reward. He's seen too many broken men to not want to encourage the masculinity of a man and the femininity of a woman.

I argue that submission is a wiring thing. You can bring it out in someone whose submission is latent or unexpressed, but I don't think you can make a woman who has no interest in a power dynamic suddenly become submissive. You can encourage mutual respect, respectful and useful communication models, ways of sorting through conflict. There has to be deep deep trust before you can go further into a marriage structure that encompasses a power exchange.

My fantasy world swims in an intense dynamic and my mind tries it all on; everything. There is a saying: 'Take the best and leave the rest'. I try on intensity; all these harsh spankings for not getting the laundry done, for example, and then I let the thought go. The hypnotist suggested that if I needed to feel the control more, I devise a nonsense rule that made it clear I wanted to feel the power, so to speak. It could be laundry, I guess. It could also be...hmmm...(I've had such trouble figuring something...) not making dinner. THAT would get his attention. I'm not sure I would use it more than once. Maybe not turning down the bed. It's a rule and he would notice if I stopped doing it. I think he'd realize I needed to feel it.

I truly like the idea of containment, of expectations, of feeling into myself in this way, but DD does not sound fun. It doesn't sound fluid, flirty or fun. It doesn't sound like it's loaded with pleasure (a word that I think is a loaded trigger...). By God, though, horses couldn't have dragged me away from reading there for quite a few days. 

Acceptance

 I had a brief but poignant exchange with someone who was recommended to me. He made the comment that if we were to work together for a limited time, the work would center around Acceptance.

I mulled this over several days; one of those statements that confirms my own feelings but brought those feelings more into present moment awareness.

Today, I searched for times in this online journal when I might have written about acceptance, and I see that over the years I have had the thought on my mind a number of times to the extent that I wanted to journal those feelings.

Acceptance, to my mind, isn't about giving up, about giving up hope for something better, but it is about facing the reality of the situation you find yourself confronted with. As much as one might find the phrase 'it is what it is' a bit glib, there's so much truth to it.

I know someone who likes to think he can adjust the natural order of things if he only puts his mind to it. Why suffer with all those levels - anger, sadness, denial and so forth - before you get to acceptance? Why not just jump them all and go straight to Acceptance? Perhaps that's possible, but I don't think it is.

When I was younger, much younger, I had an abundance of positivity. I was convinced I lived in 'the lucky country' (still do) and more personally, I was convinced that I was protected by a 'guardian angel'. In terms of the guardian angel, I think this protected me, at the same time as it did not allow me to see what was right in front of me, which, for a small and vulnerable child, was probably a blessing, and a rather smart thing to believe.

When my husband told me he had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I definitely didn't go straight to acceptance. I do wonder if the more invincible someone seems, the least likely one is to accept such a thing. In the months that followed I was sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes disbelieving. Like, are you sure they know what they are talking about?  I didn't so much disbelieve what I was told as I figured we'd solve it, like we solve everything. 

The mind can be mad, and I remember saying to him one day, 'I can't believe you are even considering leaving me with all this mess to clean up. Where will I even start?' It was a poor me thing, a cry for help, disbelief, overwhelm, and a call to action.

It's several months later since that day, and I find respite in similar ways to those I began to use many years ago now. I meditate in a way, in a space and place where 'the problem never existed in the first place'; complete lack of ego; complete nothingness; no mind.

I explain it to my husband in the hope he will join me in this space, but he repeatedly says that he is too stressed with too much to do to take the time. I say, but it in those times that you must visit that space. Your mind and body need a break.

There's a huge benefit to getting to acceptance of a situation as fast as humanly possible. It avoids a great deal of personal pain, for starters. It's an acknowledgement that you are part of the human experience, and that suffering comes to us all. You're not special after all, there is no guardian angel and bad stuff happens to good people.

Once you hit acceptance - this really is happening - then you can see ahead of you all sort of things to assist the situation; ways to make things better. You can dig deep to polish up your empathy skills, and you find ways to nurture yourself, to accept that this is hard and you need to take care of yourself too, so you are there for your loved ones. Always put on your own oxygen mask first.

I follow a few very special people around the world who fuel me with their wisdom and kindness. High on the list is Henry Shukman and I offer you here, to those who might benefit from his beautiful heart, the  final words of his poem, Resistance:

'...do nothing, be still,

stay just where we are,

sit right here,

on the very fence,

exactly on the blade

of reluctance itself,

just here, where we least

want to be, where it seems

it must hurt the most.

But it's here that the blade

already knows

what it needs to do.

And if we could just let it, then finally it could do

what it was always meant to.

And we would fall open,

until there's nothing left

in the middle

except a silent space

which everything is free to fill,

and the whole world can pour

into that one blessed gap.'

Portals

 I listen frequently to a meditation inspired by the work of Joe Dispenza. Joe likes to take the person to a sense of being in space, of surrendering all the past hurts and negative emotions, the pain, the disease to what is sometimes called Source. It's a place where all identity and personality are stripped away. You are nothing, nobody, nowhere.

You surrender all the tightness, stiffness, rigidity, worry and in return you receive a sense of calm, equanimity, harmony. I found my mind this morning landing on the word 'harmony'. Isn't it such a lovely word!

It's been an interesting process lately as my mind has been letting go of unfulfilled expectations. I didn't will this to happen, couldn't have done that if I tried. I am simply noticing what is happening - the falling away of expectations of certain outcomes. Maybe one could call it being very present. I really do think the meditation is having a very soothing effect on me.

It can be a bit of a tightrope experience, life, doing one's best to achieve best outcomes, not just for oneself but those we love...and then accepting that we only have so much control over our experiences.

And, maybe that's a good thing, in a way, part of the journey on this planet, to cede to the mystery.

It's an interesting phenomenon to cede to the mystery, at the same time as recognizing the messages of our bodies. Maybe the ego wants this, but the spirit wants that. Who are you going to listen to? There's definitely more than one voice in our heads, as you would know if you sat and listened for a while - competing voices at that.

In the midst of the above meditation, there's a whole lot of nothingness, which is truly divine (and why I love good masterful sex). Within that nothingness there's an openness too - mystery tinged with curiosity. It's like the slight opening of an unknown portal; a new experience of You.

Dom training

 It seems to be official, according to those in the know, that it's the women wanting to express their submission to a man (in a heterosexual relationship). It's the women expressing their intense frustration that they can't find a (good) man to submit to. It's the women who are ready, willing and waiting.

This is why I can't understand why there are people at the ready to train the submissive, but oh so few people who take it upon themselves to train the Dom.

I wrote these notes from something that Om wrote.

"A Dom snatches control. He has to want for her more than she wants for herself. He has to have the desire and the caliber to take her into the depths of her chaos, to hold her there no matters what happens and then he needs to have the skill, strength and stamina to bring her back and land her safely from her chaos and restore her to form."

Now, that takes some work and practice, doesn't it? Not necessarily innate?

It's no shame to get trained to perform this magic. They didn't call it 'the dark arts' for no reason.

Fear

 Although I do feel into the sense of my body during yoga experiences, I am aware I am not good at visually creating new worlds inside my head. However, if you don't try, you can't improve, and so I tried it this morning whilst I was waking up. 

An image flashed up of a deep forest, that is one tall, relatively thin tree beside another tall, relatively thin tree, there being thousands of such tall and thin trees. I was somewhere in the middle of it. A well-known phrase popped in - can't see the forest for the trees.

I purposefully made myself see some more detail. Not surprisingly for me, I looked for danger. Was there a poisonous snake in a tree, or some four-legged dangerous animal hiding just out of view? I detected nothing. It seemed to be me and the forest, nothing more.

Then, I noticed that the sun was casting light into the forest, almost like a sign, a signpost. I may be thick in the forest and unsure what to do, but the sun was shining; light; hope.

As I think about it now, it reminds me of an experience long ago when I had my first child. Thinking that there would be oodles of free time, I signed myself up for a Graduate Diploma of Education. Whilst the baby slept one afternoon I prepared for a multiple-choice exam on 'Education Psychology', but I suspect I felt unprepared on the day; you know, nervous. (Folks, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a nervous Nelly.) 

When I turned the paper over, it looked like gobbledygook. I took a breath and told myself I must remember something from the study and bit by bit I realized that I knew pretty much all the answers. It was like a light coming on, at first dim and then getting brighter and brighter until I could see crystal clear.

That's how it was in the forest; at first totally intimidating, but as my courage grew, I started to form a plan. I started to sense that I had the inward strength to get myself out of this situation safely.

There's another part of me, though, that enjoys a little fear; that inner knowing that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone; to be willing to take more chances.

Now, what might a psychologist say about this? Obvious. Fear of failure. Maybe doubting one's own abilities to deal with the unknown; to face danger square in the eye and say, 'I am not afraid'.

It's an interesting thing that as you sit with a sense of danger, feel into it, the intense discomfort of it in a bodily sense, the feeling starts to dissipate; becomes more distant. You can walk yourself out of the forest, which is what I did.

P.S. I went looking to see if I wrote about fear before and look at this from 2011: Vesta's submission: Fear (vestassubmission.blogspot.com) 

Me

Could I be clearer in the way I express myself? Is there something about the way I express myself open to interpretation? I don't have a flowery or poetic way of writing sentences, so I just don't understand how I could be misunderstood. 

Here's the deal:

- I am a one-man woman. I have always been so. My lifelong fantasy which I wished to make my reality was to be loved by ONE man and for me to love him.

- I am not into and wish for myself NO swingers parties, NO group sex with men or women. 

- By this definition, I am NOT a SLAVE. If an Owner asked me to do these things, I would try, but it would be so against the natural order of my brain and soul that I think I would ultimately be forced to leave the union.

- I am a conventional, old-fashioned sort of gal. I just want MY man all to myself. I want to be in a D/s dynamic with him. I want to know to the core of my being, regularly, minute by minute, that I am HIS and he is MINE.

- I am happy to work hard. Hard work never bothered me, and I actually like it because I just like getting stuff done, transforming spaces, making the world a little bit better in all sorts of ways.

- But, I need play time; time to see the world; enough financial security for both of us to feel free. I am happy to work hard to achieve this; happy to play my part.

I have held down my deep and profound dismay of suggestions that I would find myself at a swingers party with my owner holding my leash whilst I licked some unknown man's anus. No judgment here; each to his own, and that includes me. That's not me.

Tell me, if you have read a smidgeon of my words here, does that sound like me?

I thought not.

Love

 This will be short. I don't mention it here too much or in my life generally, with the children or extended family or friends. I guess we are both being stoic, he and I.

However, I am the spouse of a man who has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and for some reason today I want to say that, to myself.

I want to acknowledge that I may lose, earlier than we ever anticipated, my husband whom I married 43 years ago.

One's brain does everything to save the Self pain and my brain is no different. I can assure myself my husband will beat the odds and be totally healed. It actually is possible.

The facts are thus: I would be devastated to lose him. I have loved him, and he has loved me for nearly 50 years.

I have the rather unenviable ability to imagine the future, of walking into our holiday home, a place he loves, when he is gone, and that moment fills me with intense sadness. 

It makes me realize how very much I love him.

A note to self: to cherish each day.

Containment

 Please do forgive me if you are tired of hearing about Om. He is just so impressive and it's not just me. I send my husband episodes of his podcast that stand out to me, and he agrees, he has an important message to offer.

So, Om, as you might have already read here, speaks a lot about containment. He was asked in interview what that word means to him. I can't remember all his words, but the gist of the thing is that men and women have certain expectations of each other that is the same no matter in which era we live. Women want to be able to be supported by a man; to have a man settle them. It's up to the man, Om says, for his women to be contained by his masculine energy.

I would like to offer an example from my little orbit. My third child is quiet most of the time, until he decides to talk, in which case he has a lot to offer on a particular subject. Girls have been an important component in his life but it's this recent one, the one to whom he is engaged that has made for a very happy relationship.

He hasn't changed all that much over time, but the other girls were definitely codependent on him. He was, and this is his mother talking, far too good to them. The one before this one was a nice girl but she didn't have respect for him. His grandmother acutely observed the situation and assessed that "she has to go". Their whining and demands definitely got him down, and without space for himself, he took to becoming quite animated and excruciatingly frustrated. Her OCD was a factor here. I gently encouraged him of the view that he didn't owe her anything. He had to think of his own happiness.

This led to S, a charming, respectful and tender girl. At first, she seemed to have no issues, totally put together, until she started to reveal some of her childhood upbringing when it became clear that the anxiety we were seeing now that we had got to know her and love her was coming from those difficult situations.

This is where the containment comes in. She is a worrier. The boss at work is totally into himself. What if they can't find a house? What about her brother? She shares these worries with my son, and he has a way of containing the worry. 'Don't worry about the boss. When you are ready, there are plenty of jobs.' 'We will sort out your brother's situation together.' Or, he'll just be silly and make her giggle. He brings light to her dark and she greatly appreciates being offered the range of possibilities.

Sometimes, I have gone to my husband looking for containment, but he, being a bigger worrier than me, hasn't been able to contain me with his masculine energy. I think he is learning through these podcasts how important this skill is. I remember distinctly certain times when he was able to contain me; reassure me, and this means the world to me. 

This occurred quite recently when he assured me that the financial situation could be sorted; that we would work on it together. There's room to grow in the sensory realm. Words are good, strong hugs are equally important.

I'm not suggesting this is always easy for a man who may desire to dissolve into being contained by their woman. It's what their mothers did for them and no doubt it felt good. A woman is capable of this, for a time, of course. No-one is at their best all of their time.

As Om says, there is a place for that, but pretty much forget eros at those times.

Of course, when we endeavor to contain a situation, it doesn't necessarily work out and there are family folklore stories around this. We burst a tire one summer, on the way to the ferry that would take us to Block Island. Those tickets are bought months in advance, so the situation wasn't good. My husband said at one point, 'We aren't going to make it.' The children in the back no doubt were watching their holiday evaporate and I got a tap on the shoulder and a whisper in my ear, 

'Mum, are we going to make it?'

'Sure. We'll make it', I whispered back.

Well, we arrived, they called us onto the ferry, we drove on, they pulled up the barrier and we sailed off. We made it, by about five seconds.

A man (in this scenario, yes, it's a man) can't know what is to come, but most men will do anything and everything to make it right, safe, for their women and children. 

I think this is what a woman wants to tap into, time and time again. In spite of all her talents, ability to look after herself and so on, this is what she craves. I, like Om, tend to think this is hard wired.

Agreement

 The man I listen to from NYC, Om, made the simplest and yet the most important of points in one of his podcasts. If interested, you can find him on 'Om Rupani Podcast' and I listen on Spotify. 

He explained that couples who have been married for a considerable time will come to him because the marriage isn't currently in great shape, and they would like to try relating to one another with polarity; that is recognizing their differences. (D/s)

The problem Om sees often is that they want to try polarity, but they haven't been in agreement with one another for years, and it's the agreement component that first needs to be sorted.

I agree. If there is not agreement on important matters, it's going to be very hard to build a stable and fulfilling polarity (or D/s dynamic) on that weak structure.

In my marriage, disagreement began to surface many years ago. We had been in wonderful agreement about so very much, until differences in our investment style began to bite.

I had been reasonably comfortable with him assuming full responsibility for the finances, although I was always a more conservative investor than him, until the percentages of what was put into high risk made me exceptionally fearful.

I cannot speak for him, but I know my fears did not play into his decision making. He called the shots as he saw them, and I felt that my shared thoughts were being cast aside. I know this because he would say to me that I didn't understand the world of investment, share trading and so on. 

It caused a lot of friction because although money is only a means to an end, as he likes to say, money does dictate choices as well as a sense of safety. It can't save you from lots of things, but without high risk at one's heels, it's far more possible to relax and let go, knowing you don't have to worry about some financial disaster befalling you.

It's my sense of safety that I value. I think I got that from my mother and father who, admittedly, were cash-oriented people, because my brother is like me. We take care of our mother's portfolio and when interest rates went up last year, I suggested we avail ourselves of the new environment and put the cash into terms of deposit. We were both excited to think that whilst we slept, money was being made. It's just our conservative minds. As my brother likes to say he will never be mega rich, but nor will he be a pauper.

So, that's where my husband and I are not in sync. He's far more comfortable with risk.

I read somewhere that there are one or two matters over which most couples will always be in disagreement. I think this is our disagreement, our only disagreement. It's a big one though because when things don't go his way, it can affect us for years, lead to other difficulties; have long lasting repercussions.

Yet, this is the way it is and maybe the way it was always going to be. People who reflect on the state of the world sometimes make the point that from an evolutionary perspective where we are is where we were always going to be, and maybe that's the way it is in my marriage too. It was always going to be thus.

What to do about it? So, over time I created some boundaries. These days, I need to know what I am signing. 

I adjust the story too so that my sense of safety is not so compromised. Sure, the cash isn't there, but the assets are. It's all fine really. If push comes to shove, there's a way to correct the situation. As my risk analysis son says to me, 'You have choices, Mum, most people don't have choices.' Very true. 

So, I retell myself the story, accept what must be done in the short term; have faith; allow my nervous system to settle.

I wouldn't exactly say that I have come to agreement over this matter, but nor am I in disagreement. I am on board, moving as one.

And so, the D/s has a firm foundation on which to rest. Our style and sense of what it means to be financially stable is very different, but it doesn't mean we aren't okay. 

To put it another way, how much pain do you want to feel before you just let it go and relax?

Wants and needs

 I have been listening to a series of podcasts entitled 'Power in Practice'. They are quite old, some dating back to 2008, but they are incredibly good. In some ways, the small group of people who published them were experimental, looking to see how to best run a polyamory family, or multiple dominant households.

From the comments made I think it's fair to say that the dominants of the group tend towards extreme dominance and that the submissives of the group were carefully selected to be willing to accept and be at least relatively comfortable with that sort of extreme dominance.

Flagg made the point that romantic love complicates a D/s structure and I think most people can agree on that point. My husband listened along to some of it and I heard him say, sort of to himself, 'I don't agree with that' or 'I could never do that'. 

The hypnotist who we engaged to assist us in setting up a D/s structure again together with dealing with some trauma we both needed to heal, said to my husband that I was born this way. I was born with a service mentality. I think that's right. To be of use to those I love, and even those I don't love, is a part of my personality. I not only do it willingly, I do it without even thinking about it. I slot into the secondary position like a duck waddling into water.

So, what I want is to be myself, to be the s of the D/s situation, not just to serve for serving sake, but to be comfortable in my skin, at one, in harmony. I need harmony, unobtainable to me outside of a D/s structure. 

So what I want and need is for my husband to fulfill his obligations as the D of the D/s arrangement.

Early in December, we were driving along the freeway when my husband said to me, 'Do you commit to stay married to me forever?'. 'Yes. Yes, I do', I said. 'And, do you commit to our dynamic being D/s forever?' 'Yes, Yes, I do.'  'I commit to that too,' he said. And, like that, the deal was sealed, never to be broken.

I can't say exactly how the hypnotist did his work. We would have started with my husband's therapy, but he wasn't ready, so we started with mine.

First, we dealt with some trauma I held, trauma that played out in the writings here, some confusion about my sexuality. Since I had been having masochistic fantasies from the earliest age, in some ways due to the neglect in my early life, I needed to go to that place and satisfy myself that it was I an adult, that wanted these things. It was I that wanted these things and that was okay.

D asked me towards the end of the first session what had changed and at first, I only noted little things; the little desk had been moved; the curtains had been opened. But then I saw me, not a little girl anymore, a fully-fledged woman.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, she's all grown up. She's all grown up."

Then, we dealt with the neglect, the inability to express myself emotionally as a child. We did forgiveness exercises, and most importantly, in my opinion, I had the experience of seeing myself as a young woman, around 30, blissfully happy in a relationship that was led by a man I loved. I was sitting at his feet, and we were happy and at peace.

This was what I wanted.

Immediately after the session I was sad, sometimes angry. I had felt what I wanted, maybe for a full minute, and I desperately wanted it back.

I wanted my husband to be engaged with me in a D/s relationship that was 24/7. I wanted to be responsible for being the best submissive I could be and I wanted him to be the best dominant that he could be.

D worked away at that. I don't know exactly how, but I do know that he feels that I need the structure that enables me to succeed at the submission.

We haven't formulated a contract as yet, but we see it as being one where we outline our responsibilities.

He is responsible for the relationship; to lead it and oversee it. I am responsible for being obedient and available; enticing and companionable.

We do little things right now. He puts a blindfold on me right before sleep. I have been sleeping very well and my husband noted that I seem very relaxed. 

I call him 'Sir' or 'Owner' but mostly Sir, unless other people can hear.

He initiates play. He shaves my pussy and that leads to play, but it can happen at any time. Orgasm on demand is expected. Until recently I didn't know that I could orgasm on demand. I didn't know that there were 12 different types of orgasm. 

Maybe most significant of all is that we are able to engage in conversation without fear of eruptions. We were both prone to be angered by each other and the therapy sorted that, maybe in equal parts with the new/renewed dynamic. I think he's far more reasonable now; far more willing to see his role in all this; that in spite of not being especially well, we have a life to live. This component had been missing for a long time and I found it soul crushing.

Back to the needs...I believe as a submissive that my whole body is his to play with and enjoy. I was trained this way and I think this way. I have experienced the benefits of thinking this way. I am aware that anal training isn't that difficult and on our 'to purchase' list is an inflatable dildo. We will write into the contract that I train with this at least twice a week, so that all three holes are available.

We will purchase a leather collar that he will place around my neck just before I go to sleep.

He wants more touch and I currently wash his back in the shower. I bring close to the shower our towels.

I think he listens to me more. He is no less opinionated, but I think he is more caring in that he is less self-involved. He still tends to what he must tend to but I suppose I would say that he is more relaxed too.

He corrects. Most particularly he reminds me of the Honorifics, cementing that down. He spanks, not soundly. I am not crying when he does it, but I get the point. I don't want and nor do I choose to be in trouble.

With him I don't have to worry about being asked to do something well outside of commonsense. He's not going to ask me to stand naked in the traffic. He's never going to put me at risk, and I would never want that sort of play anyway. He said to me some hours ago that he could never imagine loaning me out as some dominants apparently do because his sense of responsibility for me would never allow me to potentially be put in harm's way. He simply does not have and nor does he need to have, a desire to push the bounds out to feel a certain way.

Om, a man from NYC I listen to talks a lot about containment, and interestingly I wrote a lot about containment in earlier years. Blindfolds, rope, silence, placed on a chair, whole body massage, feeling held down emotionally...I revel in all of this.

There's not the slightest resistance to thinking of myself as a submissive, or a Slave, or the one on the bottom; whatever you like to say. It is denial of my needs for that positioning that caused me so much distress, not at all the other way around.