Submissive, Codependent or Caretaker?

I must have written a dozen times in the course of having this online journal that you can't change people.

'If I could be more compliant, more agreeable, more understanding,' some people say, 'things will be better then.'

They put the Other first and before you know it they have changed themselves, from a person of independent mind to one who subjugates his or her own self for some peace and harmony in the relationship and home. When chaos is the norm, it can start to appeal normal, such are the adaptions of the mind. Chaos is not normal.

Throw in a family to the mix and you have this selfless sort of person becoming a Caretaker, because, at the end of the day, somebody has to take on that job if one parent is behaving in a random and confusing fashion, right?

I have a strong suspicion that the words 'submissive, 'dominant', 'codependent',  'caretaker' and 'personality disordered' can get all jumbled up.

Consent, perhaps, is the ingredient that can clear up those categories. If you both enjoy your roles, if consent is clear and there has been no harassment to obtain consent, and if the arrangement aids you both in your growth and sense of peace...well then, there is nothing at all to worry about.

If you are still reading and wondering a bit about your true feelings, then maybe the categories above are a little murky for you.

It's impossible to go into too much detail in one blog post, so let's consider one small but vital point about a relationship where there is an unequal distribution of control. Care.

Submissives love to be cared for. I adore it myself. Interaction, attention, being given a challenge, feeling the control...that is all very kinky; a turn on; it's a really funfun game. But, why should I feel that someone needs to take care of me above and beyond that? What should lead me to think that?

Well, there's a certain sense of containment that just feels so delicious. I might see a photograph of a woman contained in some way - this morning it was a photograph of a woman learning to walk in ballet boots - and there is no dismissing the fact that I get a thrill out of that. So, if a man were similarly kinky and committed to that kink such that he innately desired what I desire, that would be a whole lot of healthy fun. What's done for deeper intimacy...how can that be unhealthy?

But, what if the submission is more than that; more than just fun and erotic pleasure? What if the submissive finds herself walking on eggshells, withholding her feelings and thoughts to avoid the dominant's displeasure or emotional outburst, or frosty silence?  What's that...a power exchange for the mutual pleasure of both participants, or something that looks more like a person being the caretaker of a personality disordered person, dependent on that person and awaiting his or her share of a sense of being cared for?

What if caring for someone isn't the desired sort of care - caring for each other with reciprocity - but caring for each other using the 'roles' of 'dominant' and 'submissive' which might actually be more like one person sacrificing their true self for the Other in order to have harmony?

I could speak to any number of behaviors that would identify the difference in these two outcomes but if you find yourself acting quite differently inside the relationship or family to the way you act with friends, associates and co-workers, it's not co-dependence (I once inaccurately labelled myself a Codependent), but it could be that in order to function within your relationship, you have become a Caretaker.

I think the first question for yourself would be - do I somehow feel that my true Self is being compromised in this relationship?

If you are happy, happy, happy in the submissive role, let's hope that it never ends. If you question the behaviors you experience, and your responses, it could very well be something else.

In my opinion the kinky/erotic role of 'submissive' in a sexual capacity is perfectly healthy. No need to deny yourself the pleasures of that. If you put the Other first repeatedly such that you having trouble identifying your own needs and wants; if you identify with some fear, obligation and guilt, then it may be you've unwittingly found your giving soul in dangerous waters.

There's not the time or space here to delve too far into that thought, but to end where I began it's far from easy to change someone else. With proper guidance, it is more than possible to change yourself. You may be submissive but you can swim.

The fitness of the thing

Kinky thoughts came to me completely naturally and unprovoked as a child. I'd see a scene in a movie, or read a few lines in a novel, or overhear someone say something and I was instantly aroused. No-one else was involved in this response. That is to say, I wasn't attempting to please a partner or to follow him along a particular path. My mind was aroused by the scene and that was that.

It is said that we fantasize within very specific parameters about our kinks. If it's a school disciplining scenario we might have in our mind's eye very particular details such as the type of dress or the type of instrument; perhaps a wooden stool in involved or there is a particular cupboard where the canes are stored.

It's fascinating and troubling at the same time that these scenes never really grow old. I happened upon a school disciplining scene in the past few days - one that would be grotesque in real life, utterly barbaric - and I slipped right down the kinky rabbit hole as if I were 15 all over again. My body will never stop being instantly aroused by particular scenes, done in a particular way. That is to say, the girls have to be helpless and at the mercy of the disciplinarians, and the disciplinarians have to be ruthless in the discharging of their duties.

The girls have to cry and howl and beg at the same time that they know they must do everything possible to hold their position. The masters and mistresses have to turn a blind eye and ear to the ministrations of their charges and go about their task in a professional manner.  There is a clear demarcation of who is in charge and who has zero power and everybody in the room knows their place.

To analyze it a tad, there's complete helplessness on the part of the girls and total power in terms of the rights of the masters and mistresses to uphold the  sanctity of their contract to educate the girls to particularly high standards. Let's be clear. If the girls had behaved well, none of this would have been necessary. Under normal circumstances those who watched over them would have kept a tight ship but not a particularly onerous one for the girls, for there is only one rule at this establishment really - to follow the rules and to do as told. Simple.

It's interesting (to me at least) that I have been prepared to follow through with this thought in other ways; ways I wouldn't have thought of as a child and which I didn't even necessarily know much about as a fully grown woman. I 'got' on some subliminal level that my kink was about 'place' and that meant that I moved quite effortlessly from having a spanking kink to a kink that related to whatever it was that I was presented with. The proviso was that I really did need to feel that the contract - obedience - was at the heart of 'it'. I really did need to feel an abiding affection was at the heart of everything too. This could make it complicated.

Nowadays there is no sense of a contract in my life. Put more bluntly, there is no contract. I'm a free agent in that sense. This means that I am not likely to experience the mind blowing highs of the past but nor, logically speaking, am I likely to experience the downs, and there were downs, for complicated reasons which not everyone has to go through.

There is, of course, always 'play'; the sort of play where a partner suggests a spanking. But, for reasons as explored above, unfortunately that doesn't do it for me. In essence, I like the idea of a contract; not the one with lists that you tick, but the sort of contract where roles are clearly designated, understood and embraced, not just for three minutes but innately. I guess what I am saying is that either it is authentic and I feel it down to my toes, or I'll see through the veneer and it will do nothing for me. Either it works for us both or I think it's best we do what we do rather well, just be ourselves.

I can almost hear you asking...but can you separate your kinky self from your self? I'm not sure I know, or ever knew the answer to that. It's sat in my being all my life; that girl who is so deeply aroused by certain situations not well understood by nearly anyone. An exchange of power with a partner such that this part of me that sits bubbling below can find expression was far more elevating and satisfying than I have ever been able to express in words. I remain forever grateful for those experiences. I'll cradle them in my old age.

But, there's a lot more to me and to my mind than kink, and somehow, maybe, just maybe, now might be the right time to fully explore if I can put it away in a box; not in some dusty box in the darkest and deepest recesses of my mind never to see light again, but far enough away that I can get on with life without pining for what I once had in the lusty May days of Camelot. There is a season for everything. I had my time and now there is a new time.

Rethinking roles

There is another way forward for me and that is to 'let go'. I've pined and ached for a more definitive power exchange with my husband because I've longed to feel that close to him. I've contradicted all the evidence that has been accumulating in front of me, which really makes no sense. It's very simple. He doesn't want a power exchange in the same way as me, and blind Freddy knows it takes two to tango.

He's not suited, and doesn't want, to supervise me; doesn't want to set any rules for me, remember them and follow up on them. To the contrary he encourages my independent, logical and responsible thought; taking on more responsibilities, challenges and opportunities. His heart sings when I take initiative. He's busy doing what he does and he is hopeful that whilst he is occupied that I will find delight and sustenance in my own pursuits. More than that he has lately wanted me to take over tasks and duties which were solely in his domain before. He just wants...help.

To be clear, he wouldn't be happy if I suddenly stopped telling him where I was going or what I was doing; communicating with him and liaising with him. But, he definitely does not want to involve himself in tasks such as what I wear, purchase or eat, when I go to bed and so on. I'm a grown up gal not short of smarts as far as he's concerned and I need to make sensible and careful choices myself. If I err, he'll soon tell me, trust me.

Eckhart Tolle, whom I greatly admire said, 'Sometimes letting go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on' and he's right. It's time to hang up my boots in terms of asking for and hoping for a situation that just can't and won't happen.

Somehow this 'letting go', embracing acceptance into my life has opened doors in my mind. Tuesday night has been deemed our night to go see a movie together, and I've had great fun this afternoon checking out holiday destinations and thinking through a fun vacation for the two of us in the near future. I've opened my mind to what I can achieve rather than worrying about what I simply can't achieve. I've accepted responsibility for myself in a number of areas going forward and feel a strange sort of pride in myself for this feeling growing inside me that I  am capable of achieving my goals on my own.

In terms of sexually erotic desires, well, I won't ever give up on them. I know what turns me on and the evidence is clear nothing has, or is likely to change. But, I've also been opening my mind to erotic desire in terms of what turns him on too. Nothing makes him more aroused than when he is immersed in the act of sexual domination, but at the same time he really does love it when I surprise him with an assertive act. I grabbed his cock recently and said something like, 'Isn't it time this was in me?' and it sprung to life. Later he told me that my aggression was very hot.

And, he is not without his ideas. He told me during a visit to an exhibition at the National Gallery on Sunday that he considered having me wear my corset and that was a fun idea. Perhaps I could suggest that he lace me into it when we next go out for dinner.

I adore it when he takes me by surprise and insists on his way. I go gooey at such moments and so very thoroughly enjoy melting into his care and dominance. But, I've spent far too many days seeing this as the only way to be thrilled. I very much want to be close; to have a loving and rich relationship. In many ways it is my role to orchestrate a happy future together. He's the boss and he's put me in charge of fun. It's time to do my duty.

My rights to be dominated

There's no doubt that some of us have been slow to recognize and embrace the particular way we want to live. Now that I know what it feels like to live in that way - my version of "that way" - doing without isn't an option. I've actually tried that several times in various ways and it's no good for me. Perhaps I've reached an age where I'm feisty in that way. I can feel the clock ticking and I'm not prepared to waste any more time. I'm not prepared to negotiate or to do without. I'm staking my claim and I'm not giving it up. I'm possessive of my rights to be dominated.

I don't regret, for one single second, bringing up my family in the way that I did. It has nurtured that side of me and if I didn't have that in my life it would be just as sad for me as if my kinky side was not embraced. I always wanted children. I always wanted to be a mother.

That said, I'm ready for time alone, and for time alone with my husband. Once we sorted things out, that I needed his dominance and once he recognized that I wasn't kidding around about that, that it was a non-negotiable in my life, things were sweet this past weekend. Our time together without fear of being heard, seen or interrupted in any way was a lifeline for me and there is no doubt in my mind that we are ready to move on now; ready for our children to be more independent and to do without so much of our presence. To that end, we're teaching them those skills they haven't been enthralled about taking on - ironing a shirt, loading a dishwasher, making a meal.

In fact, we did have oysters. I saw the oysters on Facebook and after our first love-making/beating session I asked if he might like some oysters for dinner, and then some fresh salmon and salad. He came home bearing the goods, we devoured them with relish along with most of a bottle of chardonnay and promptly fell asleep on the couch. Somehow we transferred ourselves to bed and slept the night through blissfully.

I simply can't remember the last time we made love twice in a 24 hour period. (Okay, we did a few weekends ago, but it was ages and ages before that.) It's been one of my big regrets because, for us, sex is sweeter and more intense the second time around. So, it was a blessing when he took control the next morning. I'm amazed at times how he can appear to be able to live without dominating me sexually and then, when he gets around to it, do such a sterling job of it. He is as demanding of me as if I were a relative stranger. I'm as in my zone as if I were with the most stern of dominant men. It's not until he's twisted this and pulled that;  made me come on demand and with huge intensity for a long time; thrown my body around and insist he is serviced in various ways that I eventually beg him for some respite, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeese, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese, may cindi rest a bit, Owner?"

He loves it. He loves his own arousal. He loves to see me so satiated and relaxed. He adores the smile that comes over my face; a smile that I simply couldn't control if I wanted. Maybe we have to leave the family home to achieve these heady highs - for it to be just 'us'. I remember a time in Tuscany when we traveled to our 'sweet power exchange spot' and it wasn't until we had dinner with some other guests that it became apparent we'd been overheard. I was a little embarrassed but the husband assured us he'd enjoyed every moment of it; it had delighted him that people our age could get it off in quite that way. "Just wow," he exclaimed, clearly envious.

It can be difficult to 'let go' of the mother and father persona around the children. They are not small any more but who wants to hear one's mother groaning and screaming; a strap or cane being wielded against what is so obviously bare skin? Which child wants to even hear a mother's or father's cries of ecstasy and release? Certainly, my children are not interested in over hearing these sorts of activities and they have made that clear. It's confronting for them and for us.

The answer lies, it would seem, in finding more reasons to travel down to the holiday house for a couple of nights. And, the oysters are particularly fresh down there.

Knowing one's place

When I have more control than I want it's an unpleasant feeling. I like my husband to direct me and failing that I need him to make it clear who is, in fact, in charge. On Sunday morning he made an advance towards me and I expressed, in the mildest of ways, but enough to upset him, that I wasn't interested. He's not used to that sort of thing and later in the car he made it clear that he wasn't impressed.

The fact that he made it clear he wasn't impressed was good. I can tap into what is going on inside me very quickly and easily now and I felt pleased that he dressed me down. It would not have been good if he had let it slide. I felt some guilt and some displeasure with myself. Most of all, I felt more in my place and thus more content.

At the party, I slided over to him and kissed him on the lips. "You're fickle," he said, not entirely sure, I think, as to why I felt better when all he had done is dress me down. I am not entirely sure that he understands what makes me tick. He dresses me down because that is what comes to him naturally to do. I think. I doubt he does it because he thinks it would do me good. However, it does do me good.

This is what it is so important to remember: that if you are a certain type of woman, like me, you honestly do need to know your place. I know some people will misinterpret that statement. I know some women are not treated at all well. I don't mean that sort of 'knowing your place' - some sort of 'put down'; disrespect. I mean, that when one wants to belong, to have an owner, to feel owned, to be cherished and debased at one and the same time, then one simply must know one's place. To act in any other way with one's owner/husband/boyfriend/etc. is to feel terribly out of sync. There's a natural order to things if I am to feel authentically me.

Responsibiity

In a power exchange, the behavior of participants is determined by their role: top or bottom. Well, we'd like to think so but if you were to read an honest story or walk into a truthful movie or a real life scene of a P/E couple you might be surprised. I've never met or engaged with a man who hasn't at some stage acted like a drama queen, or a jerk, or totally unreasonably. It would be absurd to think that the bottom is the only one trying to control his or her responses, as if 'bottoms' are in some way the out-of-control ones and tops are the all-knowing, 'always in control' ones.

A simple and altogether to-be-expected characteristic of the Top (of any person at all) is that there are going to be moments when they fail miserably. They are sometimes going to be egocentric; sometimes wingers and sometimes irrational. Here's the thing: they are sometimes completely wrong; sometimes aberrant; sometimes totally engaged with their own lives and well being. If they are feeling ill often all bets are off.

These are tough times for the submissive. If he's out of control and not in a Toppish state of mind the submissive has to figure out for himself or herself what to do. In my experience, complaining doesn't work. If they aren't feeling like a Top, then there's not a great deal you can do about it. (I know about asking and begging but if they aren't into it for a time that can potentially make it worse, in my opinion).

I therefore wish to suggest that the submissive has no choice but to develop the skill of being strong because there are going to be these times when she cannot rely on her Top for sustenance; when she must be strong for herself and even strong for him.

The vast majority of Tops, I would think, recover. Their inability to fulfill their duty to their bottom is only temporary. Once the crisis in his mind abates he is back to business. All is well.

I do want to speculate, however, that if the Top makes a habit of this the submissive really has no choice but to rely on her own reserves more and more. It's entirely possible that without a choice she  comes to rely on her own internal source of strength to such an extent that the relationship loses its appeal for both of them.

Accepting a submissive into your life has enormous advantages but also great demands. As much as she must make time in her life for the demands of being someone's submissive so must the Dominant make time and energy for fulfilling his role as the leader. The dominant really must  try to lead even in times of stress because she isn't incapable of leading, it is simply not her choice.

Torn

I think (I certainly hope) that I have thanked all those very kind folk who have answered my questions for the article I must write. I am grateful to you all and also very humbled that you allowed me access into your lives. Reading the responses I have been moved to tears; choked up at some of the words you have used. "Are you proud of her?" I asked the dominants.

"Very very"
"Incredibly"

The love and pride and admiration were evident and each time I glowed that I have come to know such generous and giving souls. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Over the past two days I have also been moved at the generosity of experts of relationships with whom I have been in contact. Probably the most well known sex therapist researcher in the country was very generous with her material and contacts and an expert of BDSM in relationships was overwhelmingly kind in his efforts to assist me. I'm just a l'il student. I can't really give them any publicity of any sort, so these were acts of kindness and I felt moved by them.

It is wonderful on one level to have the opportunity to use my brain again. I really am enjoying and am challenged by what I am learning.

"I'm out of my comfort zone nearly all the time," I said to my husband.
"Good," he responded. "That is where you should be."

I absolutely tip my hat to you parents out there who manage to work and to cater to your family's needs and the needs of your partner. I struggle. It is the reason why I chose not to work, because I feel so conflicted some days. I so want to absorb myself in my learning but we are on school holidays here and there is no routine that can support me. The children come and go but they simply have this perception that "Mum" will be there to provide clean clothes, lovely meals, a clean home, a driver, a listening ear; a problem solver when needed, to name a few roles I have.

Just when I think the coast is clear to attend to my own needs the phone rings, or someone comes home, or I have to rush out to the market to get more fruits and vegetables or...something...

My husband doesn't care for when I leave his bed at dawn to go read and write and I don't function well late at night. And, during the days my house is busy; chaotic even...

So, I do what I can, when I can, in the best way that I can, and I hope for the best.

Interestingly, whilst all this buzz whirls about me, I feel a stirring for controlling and containing strategies that I haven't really embraced over the past few months. I wrote about it just  now in another capacity and I was full of plans to do this and that. Fun. Fun. Fun.

And, it suddenly, haphazardly and serendipitiously occurred to me that those sort of indulgences actually require consent. Well, usually they do. It's complicated. Asking for those things it is hoped I desperately want, usually require consent. Am I getting ahead of myself here?

But, after frustration must come relief, right? Whose going to deny the l'il doll that??!

Asking

When it comes to his business affairs my husband is a micro manager. He is currently editing, drafting and correcting papers in relation to an agreement and trust me when I say that no stone will be left unturned. He will do it and he will do it to the best of his abilities, ensuring that every fact and condition and point is properly stated. His ability to give his complete focus to a task is something you really have to see to believe.

Leading his business life this way depletes him of any desire to micromanage me, and generally speaking that is a good thing because I don't think I would like that level of micromanagement directed at me. If he sees I am doing something in a certain way and he doesn't approve, he tells me but he definitely does not want to have to keep tabs on me. The last thing he needs or wants is to think, "Hmmmm, I wonder if cindi did this and that today, I better go check..." That is just too much like hard work.

Of course, if the dominant person in the equation does not engage adequately with the submissive, something is lost. As Sir J said recently, if it matters to you (you = the dominant), it will matter to her too. I am hoping that once this business deal is wrapped up he can engage with me more and remind me what is important to him and then whatever that is, it will be important to me too. I am rather well trained to obey these days (!) so Sir J's equation makes total sense to me.

All this being the case, it can be necessary for the submissive to make her own rituals and/or rules. Well, perhaps I should back up and say that I do have rules in a general sense. I am expected to maintain our lives in all ways unrelated to business affairs, so one could break that down to say that I tend to the house, the family, the food, the garden and social activities and so on, but it is enough I think to state that the expectation is that I will tend to our non-business affairs, as well as take care of myself and take care of my husband too (and of course the children).

When you have a submissive state of mind, and you want to feel that submission not just in the bedroom but in the core of you, and not just every now and again but many times a day, this can be a problem. Efficiency to please your Owner is fine but it is simply not enough.

I have had a lot of resistance to asking for things for various reasons but I am now finding asking for things a comfort for the above reasons. Asking reminds me of my place and when I feel my place, I feel good.

As I said before, I do the homely things. I cook the meals. Every now and again, it pays for me to put that time into some other activity on a given day. I could easily just dial for some Chinese food and go and collect it but I take pleasure these days in going to my husband's study and saying, "May we please have some take out food tonight? I have to do (this or that)." This pleases him. "Of course," he will say because if I ask nicely for things and the request is within his power, he won't deny it. It gives me a little tingle and that is what I look for; the little tingles in my day.

I am currently considering what else I may ask for: other ways that I can incorporate asking into my day. Would anyone care to share with me what they ask for?

My reality

All jokes aside, I do highly commend Sir J for his truthful account of his life with his h. There is, perhaps, a tendency for D/s and power exchange relationships to be glorified. Like any relationship between people, it has its ups and downs, its good days and its bad days, its highs and its lows. It must exist within the backdrop of a life; raising a family, having a job, keeping house.

It is possible that the avid reader of blogs relating to D/s might come away thinking that the dominant sits while the submissive waits on him, time after time. They might get the impression that the submissive is overworked and the dominant, under worked. The reality is usually, of course, that both people have their parts to play in their lives, together and apart, and that could well mean that the dominant does the laundry, or even, ironing! (Just a little joke, J!)

So, let me be clear about my reality.

Within a few weeks of going out with my husband, I did the laundry. I popped over to his room in college and collected his laundry and did it with my laundry. He didn't ask me to do this. It just seemed the natural thing to do. My course had few contact hours whilst his had lots of contact hours. Why not? Since then, that's been one of my responsibilities. I'm not saying that he doesn't occasionally throw on a load of laundry, because he does do that sometimes. Yet, it is rare.

When we met, I didn't know how to cook. He taught me how to make lamb chops with mashed potatoes and peas. From there, I took over, since that was all he knew and we soon tired of that meal. I bought cookery books and took some cookery classes, and ever since I've been the provider of food. For a time, he prepared the pizzas on a Friday night, so long as the dough and ingredients were all there, ready to assemble. Certainly, he barbecues the meat, cuts the roast, and from time to time, brings me breakfast on a tray, but the food is really something that I do.

Please do keep in mind that he is an extremely busy person. If we let him, he'd work around the clock, virtually every day of the year. I guess you might say that he is a workaholic. The proviso to that is that when I get him away, he usually tries to extend the stay away, so he's getting better at 'down time'.

What's my point? We do have designated roles. You can't bring up a large family without some order, and my job is to get up and get them off to school, to know what we have to do re school and other commitments, to arrange our social life, the house, the food, the clothing and so on. I know that sounds like I am living a 1950s life. The little woman does all the domestic stuff whilst the man does all the making of the money, and handles the business activities.

The thing about this arrangement is that it works for us. Over the years, I've suggested that he might like to try cooking a meal from time to time. He's suggested that I might like to ring the bank and get the b**tards to get the account right! Frankly, I don't want to tussle with the bank and he doesn't want to cook a meal.

So, while it might seem that our lives are such that he as the dominant does all the big things, while I the submissive, do all the little things, it is not like that at all. We are simply doing the same things that we always did. Of course, when I'm working outside the house, he helps out a bit more on the domestic front, but still, we maintain our usual roles just because we know what we are doing and we get on and do it.

Since we have committed to a power exchange relationship, after years of a vanilla style marriage, the details of our "real" lives have not changed at all. What has changed is our satisfaction with our roles. I respect more that he has the lion's share of responsibility for his family and I give him the support he requires to fulfil that role. He respects more that I try very hard to keep all the members of my family happy, loved and progressing through life. He supports my writing and the exploration of my submissive nature.

In essence, we both look after one another well. We live well. We love well. That is the reality of my power exchange relationship.