There are moments in my life, such as this one, when I feel that 'roles' within a marriage/committed relationship have virtually nothing useful to add to the matter at hand.
In a long marriage what we do as a partner is act as the witness of the other person's life. We walk the walk beside them. We observe them; notice their decisions and their behaviours; their ups and their downs. If we are inclined to analyze (I have my hand up!) we make some assessments based on those observations over the many years and we come to some sort of evaluation along with general thoughts. We come to know them better than they know themselves. We accept this and we even love this.
You see, patterns emerge. We all have patterns of behaviour over a lifetime. As far as I know, it's not common to express those patterns; to be personally aware of those patterns. People often don't want to know their patterns because if they did it would require change, often long soul-searching change. They'd need to confront their lives, the decisions they have made and determine if they want to or even can make things better. Spouses are very often the people least equipped to point out patterns and what that means is that the person literally dies with those patterns in place or, if they are lucky, they meet a professional or a significant other person in their lives who can assist them with not only change but the deep personal revelation required for effective and positive change.
In my experience, most people find this is all far too much work. But, sometimes it really is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Being an alcoholic or a drug addict is no picnic but if you are incredibly lucky it might be an opportunity to confront yourself, your patterns, your flawed thinking and embrace your humanity. You are flawed just as we all are flawed. You can do better. We can all do better.
On the other hand, it must be kinda cool to live on the surface; to not need or desire or want to reflect on our own behaviour; on what we did wrong and what we did right. It is terribly confronting to accept our limitations and our difficult, destructive personality characteristics that hold us back.
The more we embrace the other, the more we have empathy for the other (the other being all of mankind really) the more likely we are to encourage other people to take off their masks and look inside their own heads to discover what is holding them back.
The best part of real love is that we take that long, hard walk with another human being who loves us in spite of knowing that we are really quite, quite flawed.
This is why I never give up; always going on learning; am prepared to forgive and forget; and love with ferocity. I know perfectly well I have faults and I know my 'other' does as well. This is the human condition. However, it's not over until it's over and I want to take all the enlightenment that I can with me into the next world. That, I believe, is my purpose in this life.
In a long marriage what we do as a partner is act as the witness of the other person's life. We walk the walk beside them. We observe them; notice their decisions and their behaviours; their ups and their downs. If we are inclined to analyze (I have my hand up!) we make some assessments based on those observations over the many years and we come to some sort of evaluation along with general thoughts. We come to know them better than they know themselves. We accept this and we even love this.
You see, patterns emerge. We all have patterns of behaviour over a lifetime. As far as I know, it's not common to express those patterns; to be personally aware of those patterns. People often don't want to know their patterns because if they did it would require change, often long soul-searching change. They'd need to confront their lives, the decisions they have made and determine if they want to or even can make things better. Spouses are very often the people least equipped to point out patterns and what that means is that the person literally dies with those patterns in place or, if they are lucky, they meet a professional or a significant other person in their lives who can assist them with not only change but the deep personal revelation required for effective and positive change.
In my experience, most people find this is all far too much work. But, sometimes it really is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Being an alcoholic or a drug addict is no picnic but if you are incredibly lucky it might be an opportunity to confront yourself, your patterns, your flawed thinking and embrace your humanity. You are flawed just as we all are flawed. You can do better. We can all do better.
On the other hand, it must be kinda cool to live on the surface; to not need or desire or want to reflect on our own behaviour; on what we did wrong and what we did right. It is terribly confronting to accept our limitations and our difficult, destructive personality characteristics that hold us back.
The more we embrace the other, the more we have empathy for the other (the other being all of mankind really) the more likely we are to encourage other people to take off their masks and look inside their own heads to discover what is holding them back.
The best part of real love is that we take that long, hard walk with another human being who loves us in spite of knowing that we are really quite, quite flawed.
This is why I never give up; always going on learning; am prepared to forgive and forget; and love with ferocity. I know perfectly well I have faults and I know my 'other' does as well. This is the human condition. However, it's not over until it's over and I want to take all the enlightenment that I can with me into the next world. That, I believe, is my purpose in this life.
So often it's easy to over focus on the partner's problems and at the same time forget how flawed we our ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI think that never give up spirit is so important in marriage. Sometimes I think of it as pure stubbornness that keeps a marriage together long term.
This was the exact post I needed to read today! Thank you!
Serenity: I'm absolutely delighted if you got something out of it.
ReplyDeleteWe most often use the word 'wife' and 'husband' but we are really 'life partners'. I think we are walking solo through life in ways and we are fortunate if we have someone to partner us. I'm not dismissing the role of Top or bottom because for many of us that would be to dismiss an important aspect of our natures but this role of 'partner' is probably even more important in the long run.
Vesta,
ReplyDelete"In a long marriage what we do as a partner is act as the witness of the other person's life. " That one sentence resonates deep within me and touched me, physically and spiritually touched me in a way nothing else ever has. Thank you for sharing it.
~a