We all want some control. That really is the truth. We all want to feel in control of our lives. Sure, some people get a lovely sense of peace and fulfillment when they cede control to another person but the desire for some control is within us all.
"I feel out of control," we say. Or, "things are getting out of control." Or, someone may say to us, "Get control of yourself."
We are always trying to control someone; ourselves; our worry; the outcome; the future; our responses; the words that come out of our mouths. So much control!
For the past year, it is the need for control that my youngest son has been trying to control. The advances this year have been huge. Without any therapy at all this year for his OCD, he has managed this first half of the year incredibly well. There have been no panic attacks; no sense of fear about the school year. He signed up for the usual bevy of extra-curricula activities and whilst it put pressure on his time, he didn't complain and just got on with living his extraordinarily busy life.
Things got a little out of control yesterday. The plan was to study for the first two exams today but his perfectionism took over in terms of his art folio and he put a heap of time into that. At dinner time, he mentioned that he hadn't gathered quotes for the literature question and that's when his mother went into overdrive bringing herself up to speed on a book she had never read. By bed time, I felt I had some understanding of the novel and by morning I was ready to discuss and select key quotes to use.
We had a good conversation and it was clear he knew the story well and was empathic with the main character and his rather thwarted coming of age. Still thinking and acting rather like an adolescent at the age of 36 it was time for Rob to grow up and by the end of the story we do see some major progress. He's stopped blaming everyone else for his own behavior. He's aware that fear has driven him to make the choices he's made and the choices he hasn't made. He feels less lonely, now aware that it is not only he that has insecurities. He understands that he has to make choices; that it is time to make a commitment; to express his love; to choose a career. He really has come a long way! He's no longer the egocentric character we met early in the book; a man who thinks of everyone else as a bit player his own life. Always likable, he is now also responsible. He's been launched; finally!
But, as we got towards the time to leave for the exam, it was clear my son's feelings of being out of control had set in. He went to the bathroom, as out of control people do. When he returned, I asked if he felt tense. Yes, he did, he said.
"Listen to your body. Where do you feel tense?' (I took a guess) In your chest?"
He nodded.
So, let's get control of your breathing. Breathe through your nose and take a big, deep breath. And, when you body is ready, let it go. Keep doing that."
A minute later...
"Feel better?"
He nodded.
"You are in control of those feelings of distress. You can always settle yourself just by stopping to settle your breathing and slow it down. Now, let's take care of your shoulders and neck. Do some circles and just let the tension go."
Then...
"Why don't you lie down on the floor and I'll rub your back. Feel this lower part of the spine. That's where the tension builds. I'm rubbing that and releasing the tension. Feel better?
He nodded.
We gathered things: dictionary, pens, tissues, water, the letter giving him permission to sit up front in the huge hall; his watch. I told him I'd be down at the car...
He came down and I was waiting just outside the car.
"Would you like a hug?"
"I'd love a hug."
We hugged. As we hugged, I said softly, "You are in control. You know this work and you are a good writer. There is nothing to fear."
I drove and he was quiet. When we got to our destination, I gave him another hug and told him, "Just remember, you are in control. You can settle yourself any time you want. Enjoy the experience. Settle into it; just let it flow out of you."
"Thanks for helping me, Mum."
"My pleasure."
He's an incredibly empathic soul and it is easy to show empathy towards him; a very evolved and deeply loving young man.
And so, the person who wishes nothing more than to give up as much control as she possibly can tries to teach her son that he is always in control because to achieve we do need to be in control of our thoughts, our feelings and our reactions to stress. A perfectionist will always be a perfectionist. I see my son's nature and inclinations in the way he takes on a character in a play or the way he wants to impart his vision of the world in a photograph. Near enough is not good enough for him and that sort of thinking does lead to some stress. I think you have to make the stress and the perfectionism work for you. You can't ask a perfectionist to stop being a perfectionist but you can show him or her how to control the stress itself; how not to fear; how to accept that everyone doesn't think like you; how to deal with failures.
It's not an easy road to walk - being a perfectionist; wanting to feel in control; trying to cede control and let what happens, happens. I tend to think that if I go the extra mile, it will make a difference. Maybe this won't make sense, but I try to control outcomes but in a very controlled way. That is, I try not to become emotionally invested in that but rather act pragmatically; aware that I can help but the outcome is the outcome. I can't control everything.
P.S. I wrote this to try to control my nervousness...
"I feel out of control," we say. Or, "things are getting out of control." Or, someone may say to us, "Get control of yourself."
We are always trying to control someone; ourselves; our worry; the outcome; the future; our responses; the words that come out of our mouths. So much control!
For the past year, it is the need for control that my youngest son has been trying to control. The advances this year have been huge. Without any therapy at all this year for his OCD, he has managed this first half of the year incredibly well. There have been no panic attacks; no sense of fear about the school year. He signed up for the usual bevy of extra-curricula activities and whilst it put pressure on his time, he didn't complain and just got on with living his extraordinarily busy life.
Things got a little out of control yesterday. The plan was to study for the first two exams today but his perfectionism took over in terms of his art folio and he put a heap of time into that. At dinner time, he mentioned that he hadn't gathered quotes for the literature question and that's when his mother went into overdrive bringing herself up to speed on a book she had never read. By bed time, I felt I had some understanding of the novel and by morning I was ready to discuss and select key quotes to use.
We had a good conversation and it was clear he knew the story well and was empathic with the main character and his rather thwarted coming of age. Still thinking and acting rather like an adolescent at the age of 36 it was time for Rob to grow up and by the end of the story we do see some major progress. He's stopped blaming everyone else for his own behavior. He's aware that fear has driven him to make the choices he's made and the choices he hasn't made. He feels less lonely, now aware that it is not only he that has insecurities. He understands that he has to make choices; that it is time to make a commitment; to express his love; to choose a career. He really has come a long way! He's no longer the egocentric character we met early in the book; a man who thinks of everyone else as a bit player his own life. Always likable, he is now also responsible. He's been launched; finally!
But, as we got towards the time to leave for the exam, it was clear my son's feelings of being out of control had set in. He went to the bathroom, as out of control people do. When he returned, I asked if he felt tense. Yes, he did, he said.
"Listen to your body. Where do you feel tense?' (I took a guess) In your chest?"
He nodded.
So, let's get control of your breathing. Breathe through your nose and take a big, deep breath. And, when you body is ready, let it go. Keep doing that."
A minute later...
"Feel better?"
He nodded.
"You are in control of those feelings of distress. You can always settle yourself just by stopping to settle your breathing and slow it down. Now, let's take care of your shoulders and neck. Do some circles and just let the tension go."
Then...
"Why don't you lie down on the floor and I'll rub your back. Feel this lower part of the spine. That's where the tension builds. I'm rubbing that and releasing the tension. Feel better?
He nodded.
We gathered things: dictionary, pens, tissues, water, the letter giving him permission to sit up front in the huge hall; his watch. I told him I'd be down at the car...
He came down and I was waiting just outside the car.
"Would you like a hug?"
"I'd love a hug."
We hugged. As we hugged, I said softly, "You are in control. You know this work and you are a good writer. There is nothing to fear."
I drove and he was quiet. When we got to our destination, I gave him another hug and told him, "Just remember, you are in control. You can settle yourself any time you want. Enjoy the experience. Settle into it; just let it flow out of you."
"Thanks for helping me, Mum."
"My pleasure."
He's an incredibly empathic soul and it is easy to show empathy towards him; a very evolved and deeply loving young man.
And so, the person who wishes nothing more than to give up as much control as she possibly can tries to teach her son that he is always in control because to achieve we do need to be in control of our thoughts, our feelings and our reactions to stress. A perfectionist will always be a perfectionist. I see my son's nature and inclinations in the way he takes on a character in a play or the way he wants to impart his vision of the world in a photograph. Near enough is not good enough for him and that sort of thinking does lead to some stress. I think you have to make the stress and the perfectionism work for you. You can't ask a perfectionist to stop being a perfectionist but you can show him or her how to control the stress itself; how not to fear; how to accept that everyone doesn't think like you; how to deal with failures.
It's not an easy road to walk - being a perfectionist; wanting to feel in control; trying to cede control and let what happens, happens. I tend to think that if I go the extra mile, it will make a difference. Maybe this won't make sense, but I try to control outcomes but in a very controlled way. That is, I try not to become emotionally invested in that but rather act pragmatically; aware that I can help but the outcome is the outcome. I can't control everything.
P.S. I wrote this to try to control my nervousness...
Control is such a complicated matter. I often cannot tell if I am trying to gain more or give it away, or both at the same time.
ReplyDeleteExcellent pep talk for your kiddo! You taught an excellent life skill as well. It sounds much more productive than my "WRITE ANYTHING! PLEASE!I BEG YOU" conversations with my son this past semester.
Seriously Vesta what you did was brilliant! In fact so much so mouse is going to borrow the concept for kiddo (who's on the spectrum) when he feels stressed. Now he doesn't have to take exams and things like that but next year will be looking much different for him in many ways.
ReplyDeleteWow and thank you for bringing to light a huge 'aha' moment for mouse.
Hugs
Serenity and mouse: Thank you so much for your very generous praise. I've learned two things with this son:
ReplyDelete1) I need to acknowledge the anxiety he is experiencing and then remind him that the physiological responses to the anxiety can be controlled and contained. At the worst of his anxiety I would relax him to sleep: "Feel your head on the pillow. Find just the right spot. Doesn't that feel good! Now, feel your body lying on the mattress. Find a comfortable place to put your arms. Just let go. Sink into the bed. Ah. So comfortable. Let your mind rest. This is your time. No need to think..."
2) He is more and more comfortable with exams according to his preparedness. So, when he is feeling anxious he actually needs to go and do some work rather than worrying about not working. This is the key for him: getting on with it!
Good luck.