My husband has been unwell for a few months now but ill health is not unknown to him. He's suffered a myriad of relatively minor (to major) but unpleasant conditions over a long period of time.
He tends to tell his doctor what is wrong with him rather than the other way around and somehow or other he manages to get his doctor to do what he wants him to do. Over the past several weeks, I've listened tirelessly to my husband give his version of what he has and what needs to be done about it. Meanwhile, he has no referral, and hence no appointment, to a see a specialist about chronic fatigue syndrome.
How does one know when one is to be tipped over the edge and fall down into the pit of impatience? One doesn't. All I can tell you for sure is that today was the day.
I have done my own research for chronic fatigue and guess what? My husband's state ticks all the boxes. Not only did he suffer childhood stress but he has been under considerable financial and general stress for years and years. He sleeps the least amount possible but now finds that he must sleep in most mornings. He has extreme fatigue worsened by physical exertion. As well, he has severe muscle pain, food sensitivities, frequent urination, dry mouth, and brain fog. He is in a bad way.
Yet, he still won't come to bed at night; still has trouble accepting that there is a stress component to this condition; that he is an anxious person; a perfectionist with some obsessive and driven behaviours.
As his submissive, I've gone the track of listening and being patient. I've agreed with him, even when I didn't agree, knowing that he'd get cross if I offered an opinion different to him.
On the weekend, I suggested that maybe 5% of his condition has a psychological component - that is, his tendency towards anxiety generally and the fact that he has gravitated towards stressful and difficult situations, only to be even more stressed when they didn't go the way he expected.
He got really, really mad. It was "bio-chemical", he insisted and nothing more or less than that.
What is a submissive to do? Well, today I told him that I couldn't sit back and just agree with him any more. He needed to respect that I didn't hold the same opinion as him and that I was voicing my opinion because I cared about him. I just couldn't sit back and watch this happen any longer. I wanted him to see an expert in chronic fatigue. He could seek any and all other remedies he wished but I wanted him to get the referral to a guy who knew something about this condition.
And, I wanted him to start taking care of himself. How about some sleep???
Well, it didn't go well. I guess you're not surprised about that. But, my husband has often spoken about the fact that to get past inertia you have to shake things up and I have shaken. It's a start.
He tends to tell his doctor what is wrong with him rather than the other way around and somehow or other he manages to get his doctor to do what he wants him to do. Over the past several weeks, I've listened tirelessly to my husband give his version of what he has and what needs to be done about it. Meanwhile, he has no referral, and hence no appointment, to a see a specialist about chronic fatigue syndrome.
How does one know when one is to be tipped over the edge and fall down into the pit of impatience? One doesn't. All I can tell you for sure is that today was the day.
I have done my own research for chronic fatigue and guess what? My husband's state ticks all the boxes. Not only did he suffer childhood stress but he has been under considerable financial and general stress for years and years. He sleeps the least amount possible but now finds that he must sleep in most mornings. He has extreme fatigue worsened by physical exertion. As well, he has severe muscle pain, food sensitivities, frequent urination, dry mouth, and brain fog. He is in a bad way.
Yet, he still won't come to bed at night; still has trouble accepting that there is a stress component to this condition; that he is an anxious person; a perfectionist with some obsessive and driven behaviours.
As his submissive, I've gone the track of listening and being patient. I've agreed with him, even when I didn't agree, knowing that he'd get cross if I offered an opinion different to him.
On the weekend, I suggested that maybe 5% of his condition has a psychological component - that is, his tendency towards anxiety generally and the fact that he has gravitated towards stressful and difficult situations, only to be even more stressed when they didn't go the way he expected.
He got really, really mad. It was "bio-chemical", he insisted and nothing more or less than that.
What is a submissive to do? Well, today I told him that I couldn't sit back and just agree with him any more. He needed to respect that I didn't hold the same opinion as him and that I was voicing my opinion because I cared about him. I just couldn't sit back and watch this happen any longer. I wanted him to see an expert in chronic fatigue. He could seek any and all other remedies he wished but I wanted him to get the referral to a guy who knew something about this condition.
And, I wanted him to start taking care of himself. How about some sleep???
Well, it didn't go well. I guess you're not surprised about that. But, my husband has often spoken about the fact that to get past inertia you have to shake things up and I have shaken. It's a start.
Good luck. I hope he listens to you. Sometimes they don't know best.
ReplyDeletehugs or shoulder bumps,
heather1
good luck..maybe though, at times like this, submission has its place (on the back burner). To look after you, he has to look after himself or allow you to look after him by being his conscience. It's hard when your partners decisions impact adversely on you and he together.
ReplyDeleteSeriously hoping that you find a way to navigate the coming storm
L
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Heather: He'll listen to me but I can pretty much guarantee you that he won't do it my way. He'll do what he wants to do, how he wants to do it and when he wants to do it. It's ridiculous of me to expect any different. His independence is well-established (notorious!).
ReplyDeletelittleone: I'm intrigued by your comment that I could be his conscience. Can you elaborate? I can't really imagine a day that he is so ill that he allows me to dictate/govern/influence his behaviour. He's incredibly, (outrageously!) independent (stubborn!) and all I can really do is seed thoughts in various ways. This is why the doll state is so effective for me. Acceptance and tolerance works. I know all about 'boundaries' but the people who wrote those articles must not have met my husband because those suggestions don't work. Ha!
Anon: Thanks.
Sometimes planting that little seed does wonders. You may not see results right away but I am sure you got him thinking. I have been following your blog for quite some time and I think you did a greally good thing. I hope it gave you a little comfort and that you see some changes. I understand agreeing when you dont agree, it is not an easy thing to do but disagreeing can be even harder.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when they are feeling unwell. Add to that a strong stubborn streak and it just becomes nearly hopeless.
ReplyDeleteMaybe after her has a bit of time, he'll process all you said and come to agree with it.
Hugs,
mouse
Good for you for finally speaking up! It was SO hard for me to learn, and Master didn't always take to it well, but eventually learned I would only do it if I felt it was something really vital.
ReplyDeleteI hope it ends up well for you, and good luck with everything!
dancingbarez: Thank you for your support. He absolutely doesn't like it when I disagree with him. He doesn't like me to have much control at all actually. Over the weekend I asked if he could tell me where he put the possum deterrent product. We've planted some camelias and the possums are making a meal of them. He told me it was "too difficult" for me to use. He'd do it "later". Just now, I went down to the garage, located it, sprayed the stuff on the new shoots and then returned it to its rightful place so that he doesn't know I did it *all my myself!!*. His need for control is THAT great. Can you see why he likes the dolly??!! Yes, I plant seeds and we'll see what comes of them.
ReplyDeletemouse: Yes. I have made progress. He has come over the past few weeks to agree with me that he probably has fibromyalgia. What he doesn't agree with is that he should take more care of himself. He is aghast that he can't do whatever he wants to do regardless of age; simply incensed by that!!
agog: I like that policy very much - speaking up when it is vital. Alas, even there I have run into serious difficulties with dominant types and my husband is no exception. One is messing with their sense of 'entitlement' and that's serious! Thank you for your kind words. We'll get this sorted out over time.
ReplyDeletePlenty of opportunity for trouble, when the sub is wiser than her Dom. He doesn't like to admit that, for sure. Perhaps that's why retreating to a dolli state makes it easier for you to bear: turn off the brain as it causes trouble when it's applied. Sad that he is so insecure that he can't accept your opinion might be as valid as his own, especially in matters so critical. The more sensible and mature stance would be to hear your counsel but then retain the final say. That's what good leaders have done for eons; used those around them to their strengths. It's his body and his decision after all so regardless of the dynamic he retains the ultimate right to decide, so why the histrionics along the way? Such a waste of energy all round, when he has little to spare. He appears headed for an early grave IMHO. Good luck and stick at it. A dead Dom is a useless Dom.
ReplyDeleterollymo: I think he feels that I am not listening; that I don't have a science brain and so I don't understand. I think he feels that doctors have missed important things and his research into specific material from the USA suggests that there are factors about the intake of iodine for example that they know nothing about. He refuses to accept that rest is the answer. Sure, he could rest, he argues, but what sort of way is that to live? He wants something better.
ReplyDeleteHe *does* listen to a point but he feels that I am too psychologically oriented and not enough bio-chemically aware and oriented. If he can't convince me then he gets upset and angry about it, unfortunately, and I know I can go no further.
He actually looks much younger than his age; is fit and lean; can do almost anything he wants so it's hard for him to accept his aging body and that limitations are placed on him. God willing, he'll have a long life.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteGoodness that really took courage and from all we have shared I can only assume it was not easy for you but (and forgive me if I am out of line) I am proud of you. It is not easy to express concern with a partner who does not wish to hear what you have to say. Change is hard for everyone especially (so I have found from experience) those dom types. I hope he hears what you have to say and that he starts to feel better so very soon.
~a
goodgirl: After a bit of upset there's inevitably a bit of a period of...not quite silence...but speaking very carefully and tactfully to one another and that's the stage we're in. I suspect the stage after that will lead to moving forward with some help from professionals to ease his condition. At least, that's my hope.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind thoughts.