Truth and love

 

"When I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it: always."

-- Gandi

Enmeshment

A few years ago now we were having dinner. The children were with us. The conversation moved over varying topics as it is inclined to do. At the time we had a female Prime Minister, Julia Gillard. She was the sort of leader that prompted a strong reaction. Either you loved her or you hated her. But, what struck both my eldest son and myself as significant about this particular day in Parliament was that various men in the Parliament had been very rude to her. No matter what your politics, we both agreed, you should never speak to someone who is a leader of the country in that rude way.

If you asked my husband today if he agreed with that statement he'd almost certainly say he does. Yet, his disdain for her and her politics influenced his thinking during that conversation and he was adamant that we had muddled thinking about this. More to the point, he felt that it was somehow my responsibility and duty to agree with him. It became so heated that my son and I moved to the kitchen and began washing the dishes, giving up the argument altogether, but my husband wanted to keep the thing going. 'Dad you're talking to yourself. The conversation is over,' he said. And in a whisper I said to my son, 'Never, ever are we to talk politics at the table again.' He nodded his agreement.

I suppose all this time I have had that silly situation tucked behind my ear, because another situation like that came up recently and I felt a sense of deja vu. Over dinner at a restaurant I acknowledged every thing that my husband was saying about a health issue, with one proviso. For me there is always one proviso when talking about health because I believe the state of the mind can never be discounted from any conversation about health.

In these situations I aim for complete calm over my responses but in the end I said, 'No matter how long I am married to you I will always be me, an individual with my own thoughts. You're not entitled to insist that I agree with you', or words to that effect.

It prompted memories; memories decades old when I would say 'I'm Vesta (my real full maiden name is what I said) and I'll always be Vesta and there is nothing you can do about it. I am an individual.'

I have explored this line of thought, naturally, and there is a word for it, enmeshment. Some people can feel that it is critical for their well being that their life partner more or less becomes them. What is dangerous about this is that, bit by bit, the spouse begins to let go of, and even forget, his or her own needs, wants, thoughts, hopes and dreams. The spouse have become enmeshed with the other person in totality. Disagreement can be seen as proof that the two people are not feeling and thinking as one which can mean that disagreement equates to not being loved; very flawed thinking.

The answer lies in setting boundaries; something I'm learning about and reading about right now, so I don't have all the answers as yet. What I can say is that it feels good to realize this interpersonal transaction for what it is. There is a personal power in understanding why things happen as they do. We haven't had one of those challenging sorts of conversations since the restaurant dilemma. That night I asked him to stop badgering me and if he didn't I would leave. He continued to badger and I left and walked home. I think he got the point.

It is almost inconceivable that it won't happen again, but at the same time recognizing that it causes him great emotional pain for me not to agree with him on a topic that is important to him, I'll probably be inclined to keep my full opinion to myself. This is a shame, since we've been conversing non stop for over 40 years.

My goal would be to, on occasion, respectfully agree to disagree and make clear that this is not an interruption or annihilation of the love between us. I'm not at all sure, from the reading I have done, that strong feelings of spousal responsibility to agree with the other, can be easily turned around if one person feels strongly that their point of view is the truth. It's one element of interpersonal relations that came up repeatedly in the MA; that great discord in history has occurred with a rigid ownership of truth. Acknowledging that the world is more grey and less black and white is a good thing if we want to move closer to a more harmonious world where opinions can be shared and evaluated openly.

The dominant's power

Whilst my more recent interests would appear to revolve around 'awareness' in a spiritual sense, it is actually non-awareness and quiet, subtle movements of sensibility that truly arouses my interest, both as a writer and reader, but also as someone who has made a study of the D/s experience.

As I came to experience it, the Dominant created a sort of magic, or other-world sort of experience for me. I was sometimes off-balance; unaware. This was their creation, to ensure that I didn't know what was going on; that I was sure of not much at all; that I was surprised; discombobulated; emotionally charged in one way or another.

It was as if I was playing tennis with a professional tennis player and whilst I was jumping on the spot trying to predict which way the tennis ball would be served, so frisky that I imperceptibly jumped one way a split second before the ball left the net, so the ball went in the opposite direction.

One spends a lot of time trying to perfect that instinctive move until it dawns that one cannot perfect the move when trying too hard. Best to relax and do one's best. Sometimes one will jump right and sometimes one will jump wrong, but it is a 50:50 thing.

When completely in the groove, in the palm of the Dominant's hand, I learned to adore the unpredictability and to revel in experiences of such intense preparation on his part, that I had missed the possibility of the thing entirely. It was then that I felt that things were completely out of my control, and that the sense of scrumptious free fall was completely worth the realization that I had been outfoxed.

And there it is: I do love to be outfoxed.

And, finding pleasure in being dum dum, when I am in fact not dumb, and know myself not to be dumb; that's a sort of outfoxing right there. Subtly, imperceptibly; without awareness of what was truly happening, I was being taken to a state of mind where I had no power, no ability nor desire to disagree.

Yep. I was an 'objekt'. How could I deny what seemed/seems so categorically undeniable? If, when my mind was unpacked and thrown away I felt an empty headed joy, how could I disagree that this was what I was and had always wanted to be?

Are lies involved in this sort of dream-making surreal state? I do believe so, yes. It's hazy; not easily proven, but I do believe that lies are told to bimbo. There's this little silent gap; that teeny tiny moment occasionally when she says in her mind, 'hmmm, could that be right?'. And, she knows in that moment; she knows that there is a porky being told to her.

It's a funny thing because a fib should matter. Lies usually make for distance between people, making intimacy all the more difficult. Yet, there are situations when it hasn't mattered to me all that much. Bit by bit, a state of belief and disbelief has braided together.

It's not so much a 'co-dependent' stance that is being taken in her decision to stay silent about her feelings (although that could be part of it) but rather that there's a fear that in declaring her belief of the true state of things, something magical will disappear. We so want to hold the Other in high regard. That's it, I think. [edit: on re-reading I was gobsmacked that I had so fallen into the state of 'bimbo', 'her', by simply talking about this...]

If magic is to occur again, and bimbo certainly hopes that it will, she must believe in the overall worth of the experience. If, to experience the magic of Christmas one must believe in the spirit of Christmas, or to feel the peace of a religion - faith - one must believe in a deity of some kind, then one must believe that there is magic possible between two humble people. I believe that.

Understanding

It's fun to play 'house' like all the other gals, and some days I can read the local newspaper or watch the 'PBS Newshour' with a real fascination. I'll converse with my husband about the evermore bizarre decisions of the Liberal Party here, truly wonderous at how people could get it so wrong. Messing with Medicare, putting power in the hands of University Chancellors to determine fee structures, giving a Knighthood to Prince Phillip...what will they dream up next? And, what made them think they could get away with these notions? Australians only put up with so much disturbance of our way of life and if they don't know that, they don't deserve to be in power.

But, the truth is that I can't sustain for too long an overwhelming interest in the everyday world. I'm constantly lured into the world of literature, of  Radio National, classical music and dance. When my husband opened up conversation at a lovely dinner out last night, telling me how much he enjoyed my Tumblr recently, it seemed an invitation to speak more of my inner landscape. I had heard an interview that day and I told him something of the wonderful Graeme Murphy who guided the Sydney Dance Theatre for many years to world acclaim. If you have seen 'Mao's Last Dancer' then you know something of Graeme Murphy's superb choreography.

'If we had boundless cash, and I know we don't, I'd take out a subscription for us to The Australian Ballet and the MTC and other companies.'

'Well, maybe we should just go ahead and do that anyway...'

After nearly 40 years together we've come to accept one another for who we are. He no longer says to me when I ask some political question I should know the answer to, 'How could you not know that?'

And, I no longer suggest that maybe he should read a novel some time, knowing full well that it will never happen.

We are as different as chalk and cheese and yet he has met me more than half way when he treats me like the object that I love to be; uses me without waiting for invitation or acceptance of his advances; helps me into that space where real life completely melts away and where I am most free and...me.

He recognizes, and accepts, that I live in my head, probably too empathic and sentimental; probably too prepared to forgive. It can't be an entirely good thing to wake up early each morning now wondering if the two imprisoned Australian men (of the Bali 9 group) in Indonesia who attempted to smuggle drugs have been transported to an island to await the firing squad, and to feel pain on their behalf.

And, yet, I do. If it is not possible to make the case of true and real transformation, if there is to be no forgiveness, then what does that say of us as people? We can't make a decision if we don't know the whole story and the whole story is only known by so few. The lawyers are fighting for every minute because as each minute goes by the debate over capital punishment is louder.

'I'm thinking of volunteering for Lifeline', I tell my daughter.

'Oh, I don't think so, Mum. You won't be able to switch off from the pain you hear.'

I'm not an outlyer of society but rather someone who feels too much. Lord knows, "the woman with emotions" isn't nearly as appealing as the girl who bunkers down into that object space, and that's especially true from my vantage point let alone anyone elses perception of my value.

Chat rooms

It's well known that some people 'play' on the Internet; have a go at dominating someone or submitting to someone and I gather that lots of this experimentation takes place in 'chat rooms'. I've no idea where one goes for these chat rooms and I've little interest in finding out. I guess it could be interesting to see what that's like and to experience different types of Dominants having a go at trying to impress me with their particular style of domination but I hold out very little hope of having a positive experience. When submissives write about this sort of thing they seems to nearly always come across some person who hasn't a clue what he is doing  and when dominants write about it they also seem to write about it as if it is some sort of game and they are putting our their 'lure'.

Well, personally I'm not a very easy fish to catch and I just can't imagine in a month of Sundays that I'd walk away from a chat room being enriched. I could be wrong, of course and I'd love to hear about other people's experiences.

I imagine in these 'chat rooms' wherever they may be, that dominants are big on 'Sir' and 'Master' and that wouldn't work for me. They're strangers. I've no idea to whom I am speaking and that sort of verbiage isn't something I'd be prepared to use. And, if they were to have expectations of me, well, that's definitely not going to work. Like any relationship I would need to go slow, to get to know someone before I'd even think of going any further than pleasantries. In my opinion, anything faster than that would seem false and even scary.

In fact, I've only ever found one person in whom I put my trust and my faith to allow for a 'transformation' and we were friends for eons before we went the route of him advising me. Oh, he advised me on an ad hoc casual basis before that but anything official and formal between us occurred long after we 'met'.

When I look back on that association it assumed enormously deep trust that isn't made in a day, a week or even a month, I don't think. It takes a lot of conversation and a lot of understanding of each other's needs before it gets to that sort of understanding of another person.

Having had a very positive 'over the Internet' experience I recognize that it is possible, albeit rare. It's an opportunity for someone new to all this to have a go and in certain circumstances it can go some way towards fulfilment, given complicated circumstances in one's 'real' life. However, it has to be said that one must keep their feet on the ground to avoid hurt. Internet friendships can vanish as fast as they appear and one has to keep that in perspective. As real as it can feel, it's tentative.

However, it's an interesting phenomena because I've met some wonderful people over the Internet and gained some lovely, long friendships and associations. It's quite extraordinary the range of kinky people that I've met through this journal; one of the huge benefits of writing here.

It takes enormous skill, time and commitment to honor an arrangement whereby one person agrees to assist/lead one person and the other person agrees to be assisted/lead, even over the Internet. Everybody has their own style and the difficult part is to match one person's style and beliefs with another. Frankly, without a sense of spirituality to the mentoring/leadership it seems a bit hollow to me and the huge attraction for me in the mentoring online was that it was about my mind, my senses, my inner core of being and the way I walked this Earth. It was an holistic approach and huge integrity both ways was central to the association. Now, how rare is that?!

It just may be that I'm well beyond someone telling me to do this or that every day unless I really saw the point. Dominance without very careful thought as to purpose is something that has no interest for me.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that any kind of dominance or submission for me has to do with creating a relationship of care and compassion. One person is looking to be cared for and to get to a certain place and one person believes that he or she can take them there, utilizing the skills of patience, understanding, commitment and determination.

I'm not at all sure that this sort of experience will ever be available to me again which makes me most grateful indeed that I had the opportunity to experience it at least once in my life.

The human condition

There are moments in my life, such as this one, when I feel that 'roles' within a marriage/committed relationship have virtually nothing useful to add to the matter at hand.

In a long marriage what we do as a partner is act as the witness of the other person's life. We walk the walk beside them. We observe them; notice their decisions and their behaviours; their ups and their downs. If we are inclined to analyze (I have my hand up!) we make some assessments based on those observations over the many years and we come to some sort of evaluation along with general thoughts. We come to know them better than they know themselves. We accept this and we even love this.

You see, patterns emerge. We all have patterns of behaviour over a lifetime. As far as I know, it's not common to express those patterns; to be personally aware of those patterns. People often don't want to know their patterns because if they did it would require change, often long soul-searching change. They'd need to confront their lives, the decisions they have made  and determine if they want to or even can make things better. Spouses are very often the people least equipped to point out patterns and what that means is that the person literally dies with those patterns in place or, if they are lucky, they meet a professional or a significant other person in their lives who can assist them with not only change but the deep personal revelation required for effective and positive change.

In my experience, most people find this is all far too much work. But, sometimes it really is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Being an alcoholic or a drug addict is no picnic but if you are incredibly lucky it might be an opportunity to confront yourself, your patterns, your flawed thinking and embrace your humanity. You are flawed just as we all are flawed. You can do better. We can all do better.

On the other hand, it must be kinda cool to live on the surface; to not need or desire or want to reflect on our own behaviour; on what we did wrong and what we did right. It is terribly confronting to accept our limitations and our difficult, destructive personality characteristics that hold us back.

The more we embrace the other, the more we have empathy for the other (the other being all of mankind really) the more likely we are to encourage other people to take off their masks and look inside their own heads to discover what is holding them back.

The best part of real love is that we take that long, hard walk with another human being who loves us in spite of knowing that we are really quite, quite flawed.

This is why I never give up; always going on learning; am prepared to forgive and forget; and love with ferocity. I know perfectly well I have faults and I know my 'other' does as well. This is the human condition. However, it's not over until it's over and I want to take all the enlightenment that I can with me into the next world. That, I believe, is my purpose in this life.

Openness - part 2

Without a shadow of a doubt, there is something profoundly wrong with me. Think about it. At the ripe age of 20, I chose the only boy who had the balls to make it clear from the get go that he was in charge. On our very first date, he told me off in no uncertain terms that I had parked my car in the wrong place at his dorm. I was literally stunned at the way my error put him in a dark mood and let's face it; any sensible girl would have got back in her car and headed as far in the other direction as she could get, as fast as she could get.

I often didn't take kindly to his lectures and I still don't always take kindly to them. My sense of my place in the dynamic has evolved such that I am largely at peace with it. Rest assured, however, that I still have my feisty and even bratty moments when I express my displeasure. He didn't take kindly to that over 30 years ago and he still doesn't take kindly to it today.

I talked about openness recently but it has to be said that openness with highly dominant men used to getting their way is a dangerous proposition. I simply can't put onto the airwaves any further comment about openness without that warning attached.

I tried, ever so politely this morning to point out to my darling husband that there was strong evidence over a period of decades to point to the fact that he was a control freak. He rejected it as out of hand. In fact, he said he was insulted that I should say that. Well, I have thought it for eons and perhaps that is where the thought should have stayed - locked in the recesses of my mind. Let's face it. He has passed the mid way point of his life. He has the courage of a lion and is not afraid to take anyone on. What makes me think that just by being open, I can effect any sort of change in him? As far as he is concerned, he does what he does with good intention and that should be good enough for me.

My training tells me this as well. I don't have any control and that is an irrefutable fact. Yet, I have powers of persuasion available to me and I should use them, eating the lion one bite at a time, so to speak. There is no use in walking up to the lion and telling him you want him to change, or move, or not eat you or anything else, now is there? You need to be more subtle with a lion than that. Where does openness get you standing before a lion, for heaven's sake?

And, that is not the only reason I think something is wrong with me. Look at my other choices in life. When I returned from the US what job did I take? What job did I actively seek out simply because I found the man who interviewed me so devilishly opinionated and dominant to the point of being difficult and stubborn? The job where I would need to be submissive to that man; thats what job!

Not to mention that I have a mentor who loves to push me; to instill notions into my head that I am an owned girl; that I should know my place and my purpose. What sort of girl willingly; nay, enthusiastically seeks having that in her life?

All my life, and I don't just mean all my adult life, but all my life, I have gravitated to men who exude a desire and a need for control. And, when they chose to control me, I loved it at the same time as I sometimes hated it.

Yet, it happens time and time again. I blissfully accept the control until I don't and I rebel. Then, there is upset for this reason and this reason alone: the dominant does not want openness at all if it means the submissive says something he does not want to hear. If what she wants to disclose disrupts his control over her, it totally destabilizes him and nothing can be put to right in his mind (or hers) until the submissive is back where she belongs: back in her place. So, what does she do? Of course, she gets back where she came from and she throws the notion of openness out the window as she goes.

I continue to believe that openness is a goal worth striving for but in reality it is ever so much easier said than done.