We settled into our roles so beautifully whilst we were on our little holiday. It didn't happen automatically. As much as I wanted it to happen automatically, there was a transition period of time where I fought letting go of all control. He really needed to take away the control from me. Once he'd done that, it all went very, very well.
My body needed a lot of use and he needed to use me voraciously for his own purposes as well. There was a lot of blind folding and sensory deprivation; a lot of touching and handling every last crevice and every last hole until I vaguely heard him at one point say, "you're just like putty". I needed that.
One early evening, he used me for hours and I found my mind had settled on the pleasure of some time to myself whilst I showered. It was not to be and when I let out a slight groan at knowing that fact, he pushed me harder. I was to keep my hands on my head if I didn't want to feel a dozen hard whacks of the leather paddle and whilst I knew that I didn't want any more of that and that I definitely would leave my hands on my head whilst he did whatever he wanted to do, I could feel my mind struggle with having to obey longer. It was that tendency to want to obey only on my own terms that he wanted to eradicate.
I loved this. I loved that he had pushed the point and taken me to a place that I always want to go but can find hard to locate.
He gave me an ultimatum going forward. He told me that it was now my responsibility to come to him and ask at least twice a week for what I wanted. I could ask for what I needed. It could be a spanking or a caning or use. I needed to, must ask, or there would be consequences.
He seems to have decided in his own mind that he has to get me more involved in my own demise. He says that is where I go wrong; that I go hide under a rock when I feel deprived and underprivileged. That's entirely right, of course. This web journal is loaded down with evidence to support that thesis!
Of course, coming home isn't easy for us. After a gorgeous morning of intense lovemaking and some final photographs of our dear holiday destination, it was time to return to family life and we needed to hit the ground running - prepare a meal, get the youngest child off to the theater and some time later we attended the concert he acted in. It was brilliant to see him having so much fun on stage but by the time I hit the bed, I was overwhelmingly tired.
A new day dawns. There's a mass of academic work to get through, my mother arrives tomorrow for a few days because I bought tickets to take her to an art exhibition, and the house needs to be cleaned...the dogs need to be groomed and have their annual shots, there's food to cook...life goes on...
This is our greatest challenge. With four (darling) children spread out over a fairly length time period, we need to find the energy (and money) for all of them whilst we try to hang onto our own personal and very important kinky relationship.
This morning, after I dropped off number 4 child at school, I headed off to the market with the dogs in the back seat and I thought to myself how manic we all are zooming about in our (often fancy) cars around my neighborhood, chasing money and status and heaven knows what else. After Tasmania, it all seemed so pointlessly restless and frantic. I had to really slow myself down too to not be annoyed at situations that weren't entirely suitable to me and my mission for the morning. How terribly egocentric we become in our cars in this modern life of ours!
I'm reminded as I sit here of the last hug my youngest son gave me last night. Understanding that I was a bit frustrated that his (brand new) tap shoes have gone missing at the theater, he said to me,
"It will all be right in the end."
I had to smile because it was so darn silly. Here was the supposed OCD kid telling his supposedly not OCD mother that it would all be right in the end, because he knows I need to hear that. I have all these balls in the air, you see, and I am terribly fussy about keeping there all up there in their rightful place. Woe betide the day that one falls down! But, so what?! Balls have a tendency to fall and I (and maybe you, dear reader) have to understand the law of gravity. Control is entirely an illusion.
Do you see now how vital it is that control is taken away from me? I'm a control freak! 'Every post has to be a winner' is how one yoga friend puts it about me. It is a huge service for someone to put me in a position whereby they can say:
"Hmmmm....looks like cindi has no control at all..."
My body needed a lot of use and he needed to use me voraciously for his own purposes as well. There was a lot of blind folding and sensory deprivation; a lot of touching and handling every last crevice and every last hole until I vaguely heard him at one point say, "you're just like putty". I needed that.
One early evening, he used me for hours and I found my mind had settled on the pleasure of some time to myself whilst I showered. It was not to be and when I let out a slight groan at knowing that fact, he pushed me harder. I was to keep my hands on my head if I didn't want to feel a dozen hard whacks of the leather paddle and whilst I knew that I didn't want any more of that and that I definitely would leave my hands on my head whilst he did whatever he wanted to do, I could feel my mind struggle with having to obey longer. It was that tendency to want to obey only on my own terms that he wanted to eradicate.
I loved this. I loved that he had pushed the point and taken me to a place that I always want to go but can find hard to locate.
He gave me an ultimatum going forward. He told me that it was now my responsibility to come to him and ask at least twice a week for what I wanted. I could ask for what I needed. It could be a spanking or a caning or use. I needed to, must ask, or there would be consequences.
He seems to have decided in his own mind that he has to get me more involved in my own demise. He says that is where I go wrong; that I go hide under a rock when I feel deprived and underprivileged. That's entirely right, of course. This web journal is loaded down with evidence to support that thesis!
Of course, coming home isn't easy for us. After a gorgeous morning of intense lovemaking and some final photographs of our dear holiday destination, it was time to return to family life and we needed to hit the ground running - prepare a meal, get the youngest child off to the theater and some time later we attended the concert he acted in. It was brilliant to see him having so much fun on stage but by the time I hit the bed, I was overwhelmingly tired.
A new day dawns. There's a mass of academic work to get through, my mother arrives tomorrow for a few days because I bought tickets to take her to an art exhibition, and the house needs to be cleaned...the dogs need to be groomed and have their annual shots, there's food to cook...life goes on...
This is our greatest challenge. With four (darling) children spread out over a fairly length time period, we need to find the energy (and money) for all of them whilst we try to hang onto our own personal and very important kinky relationship.
This morning, after I dropped off number 4 child at school, I headed off to the market with the dogs in the back seat and I thought to myself how manic we all are zooming about in our (often fancy) cars around my neighborhood, chasing money and status and heaven knows what else. After Tasmania, it all seemed so pointlessly restless and frantic. I had to really slow myself down too to not be annoyed at situations that weren't entirely suitable to me and my mission for the morning. How terribly egocentric we become in our cars in this modern life of ours!
I'm reminded as I sit here of the last hug my youngest son gave me last night. Understanding that I was a bit frustrated that his (brand new) tap shoes have gone missing at the theater, he said to me,
"It will all be right in the end."
I had to smile because it was so darn silly. Here was the supposed OCD kid telling his supposedly not OCD mother that it would all be right in the end, because he knows I need to hear that. I have all these balls in the air, you see, and I am terribly fussy about keeping there all up there in their rightful place. Woe betide the day that one falls down! But, so what?! Balls have a tendency to fall and I (and maybe you, dear reader) have to understand the law of gravity. Control is entirely an illusion.
Do you see now how vital it is that control is taken away from me? I'm a control freak! 'Every post has to be a winner' is how one yoga friend puts it about me. It is a huge service for someone to put me in a position whereby they can say:
"Hmmmm....looks like cindi has no control at all..."
Oh, shut down withdrawal, there it is again. Just wrote a post about that myself, but... I can't go and ask. I can feel the shut down, but I can't do anything about it except perhaps say "I'm shutting down."
ReplyDeleteIt's a good idea, to make you ask. But.. can you?
Conina: Good question. Right now, I'd say "yes", but then I feel very connected, very pampered. I feel right now that it matters to *him* that I ask and that makes is a LOT easier for me. I think he's right that given he can become so focused on a project, I have to accept some responsibility for keeping myself whole. I really feel that I MUST try hard to ask.
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteWhat goes up must come down.
Your time away sounds delicious and much appreciated. I do hope you find yourself asking; asking when cindi so desperately requires and deserves some time to play, to come out of her box.
Remember, life is not enriched by having all one's ducks in a row but merely have all one's ducks.
xx
~a
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteThere's something about asking....or being told to ask. Dunno, but to mouse its kinda demeaning (not sure if that's the right word...maybe debasing?) and a huge turn-on at the same time. Yanno? Probably not explaining it well.
Kids and our dynamic is a balancing act for sure!!! You seem to have a good handle on it all.
Hugs,
mouse