Being a mother can be an enormous responsibility because as a mother you're not just looking after the physical welfare of your children but also the emotional welfare of your children. Unwittingly, you can be doing huge damage to your offspring merely by way of how you mother them.
Perhaps your mothering style is accepting. The children are "good enough" for you. That's grand. But, maybe sometimes you are domineering. Your child is going to sit that piano exam and get his AMusA if it's the last thing you do! The kid has to learn, you argue, that you can't just give up on things!! That he'd rather kick a ball in his spare time is irrelevant, right?
Perhaps your mothering style is doting; even smothering. You wrap the boy up in cotton wool and tell him that it's best he stay home with you. No harm will come to him that way. It makes you feel less anxious that way.
Perhaps, you are indifferent, or rejecting; dare I say, abusive. It does happen...
The huge advantage to having two parents is that if one parent starts acting crazy then the other parent will usually balance that out. My youngest son's best friend has a very controlling and smothering Russian mother but his father is more a down-to-earth Aussie type and if he needs to, he tells his wife the boys are going one way, when really they are going another. It is a system of winks and nods and the boys know to go along with it. It's a bit mischievous, you might say, but without that system in place, the boy would have no life!
Now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that a boy's father isn't terribly important in his life, but his mother has a very, very important role to play.
"...very young children have few means of learning about themselves other than through experience with attachment figures....if infants are valued and given comfort when required, they feel valuable; conversely, if they are neglected or rejected, they come to feel worthless and of little value."
The child, research has shown, identifies itself as an object almost at birth. The child is an observer of itself. The mother is the secondary object. If the mother takes the view that the child is "good enough" this positive interaction with the mother is extended and applied to the world at large. The outside world is predictable and safe as is his internal world.
"If however, SO (the mother) fails or is abusive, the child reverts back to the PO (self) and to its primitive form of narcissism. This is regression in the chronological sense. But it is also an adaptative strategy. The emotional consequences of rejection and abuse are too difficult to contemplate. Narcissism ameliorates them by providing a substitute object. This is an adaptative, survival-orientated act...If this failure to establish a proper object-relation persists and is not alleviated, all future objects are perceived either as extensions of the Primary Object (the self), or as external objects to be merged with one's self, because they are perceived narcissistically."
Unconditional love of a mother for its child is that important! It goes some way, I suspect, to explain the surge of narcissistic behaviour in our world. We're all different - all have strengths and weaknesses; flaws. Some children are more difficult than others. I know this. But, they all deserve our unconditional love. It seems logical to me that if they have adequate amounts of unconditional love their behaviour will only improve. Difficult children need more not less unconditional love.
Well, it's just a theory but it's my theory and I'm sticking to it.
Perhaps your mothering style is accepting. The children are "good enough" for you. That's grand. But, maybe sometimes you are domineering. Your child is going to sit that piano exam and get his AMusA if it's the last thing you do! The kid has to learn, you argue, that you can't just give up on things!! That he'd rather kick a ball in his spare time is irrelevant, right?
Perhaps your mothering style is doting; even smothering. You wrap the boy up in cotton wool and tell him that it's best he stay home with you. No harm will come to him that way. It makes you feel less anxious that way.
Perhaps, you are indifferent, or rejecting; dare I say, abusive. It does happen...
The huge advantage to having two parents is that if one parent starts acting crazy then the other parent will usually balance that out. My youngest son's best friend has a very controlling and smothering Russian mother but his father is more a down-to-earth Aussie type and if he needs to, he tells his wife the boys are going one way, when really they are going another. It is a system of winks and nods and the boys know to go along with it. It's a bit mischievous, you might say, but without that system in place, the boy would have no life!
Now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that a boy's father isn't terribly important in his life, but his mother has a very, very important role to play.
"...very young children have few means of learning about themselves other than through experience with attachment figures....if infants are valued and given comfort when required, they feel valuable; conversely, if they are neglected or rejected, they come to feel worthless and of little value."
The child, research has shown, identifies itself as an object almost at birth. The child is an observer of itself. The mother is the secondary object. If the mother takes the view that the child is "good enough" this positive interaction with the mother is extended and applied to the world at large. The outside world is predictable and safe as is his internal world.
"If however, SO (the mother) fails or is abusive, the child reverts back to the PO (self) and to its primitive form of narcissism. This is regression in the chronological sense. But it is also an adaptative strategy. The emotional consequences of rejection and abuse are too difficult to contemplate. Narcissism ameliorates them by providing a substitute object. This is an adaptative, survival-orientated act...If this failure to establish a proper object-relation persists and is not alleviated, all future objects are perceived either as extensions of the Primary Object (the self), or as external objects to be merged with one's self, because they are perceived narcissistically."
Unconditional love of a mother for its child is that important! It goes some way, I suspect, to explain the surge of narcissistic behaviour in our world. We're all different - all have strengths and weaknesses; flaws. Some children are more difficult than others. I know this. But, they all deserve our unconditional love. It seems logical to me that if they have adequate amounts of unconditional love their behaviour will only improve. Difficult children need more not less unconditional love.
Well, it's just a theory but it's my theory and I'm sticking to it.
Absolutely!!!!
ReplyDeleteNothing much to add to this!
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: Thank you for your comment. I think there are lots of people who would actually disagree with my sentiments. To this day my mother believes that you shouldn't pick up a baby just because it is crying. She's a very gentle human being but this is what she was taught. I think my saving grace was that I had an easy disposition and so chances are I wasn't left to cry too often. (Her theory is that a mother must establish the child's sleeping routine and order, which has some merit, I understand.)However, I have often wondered if my tendency to look for a very tight bond with the Dominant relates to some comfort I didn't get in my childhood.
ReplyDeleteOne of my sons was inclined to be less than easy. I truly believe that in the hands of incompetent parents he'd have had a dreadful time, but I put huge, huge effort into him and he's close to completing his degree; a delightful, happy and sociable young man. No good becoming a parent, in my opinion, if you aren't prepared to put in the hard yards.