I happened to watch 'Sex in the City 2' in the past few days. It is rather ridiculous but fun entertainment, of course, and I was mildly enjoying it until Carrie met Aidan in the market, they had dinner and kissed and then she rang Mr Big to confess. It was creditable that she had grown up enough to understand that she needed to tell him, I thought, but it was apparent by his total silence that he wasn't responding well. As the silence wore on I could feel myself becoming more and more uncomfortable and when he said, "I'm at work Carrie, I have to go" I experienced much the same sense of abandonment and disapproval as Carrie must have experienced. She suffered. He suffered. It was not until they were reunited and he told her her "punishment" and the matter was taken care of that I began to feel some level of comfort again.
When I talk about my time in 'the doll' state I almost always talk about these wonderful feelings of lightness and happiness; of feeling deeply connected to my true self and the person that brings out 'the doll'. I mean it when I say that it's a happiness unlike any other that I have experienced and that I'm grateful, exceedingly grateful to know that space; to have been introduced to that aspect of me; to have times when I can release my ego and all worldly concerns and just live life in its purest form. However, there are times when being the doll has caused me much angst and left me feeling that it may not be safe to enter such a vulnerable zone of living.
Even on a day by day level, I experience my husband's dissatisfaction as quite traumatic. To give an example, I said something towards the end of the evening recently and I have absolutely no recollection of what I said (something that seemed incredibly bland to me and of no importance or at all remarkable) but it bothered him; struck a nerve somehow. He berated me. It went on for maybe a minute, maybe less, I really don't know, but I had one of my out-of-body experiences where my mind responds like this:
'I must have said something wrong. Now, he will say a whole lot of things and I don't understand why he is saying them and I don't understand what I did wrong again and this is so troubling to me that my mind has switched off and I'm not here...soon it will be over and he will be he again and I will be me again and life will go on just as it did before we had another of these odd, unexplainable and very troubling events...now he has stopped talking and he is leaving the room and I can go back to living as we did before...and I get up and go and have a shower and get ready for bed...and have no recollection of the words spoken but only that I have upset him again and I don't know why or how this happened.'
This is not at all new. It's a much rarer event than it used to be a few years ago, thank goodness. I spoke to my psychologist about this experience last year and she said it was my mind protecting itself and it was a very healthy response. But, nonetheless, it is deeply troubling to me and I do what I can to try to avoid experiencing that sense of disapproval in me.
Now, in 'the doll' state I became quite vulnerable. In that state, one is well aware that the idea is to impress, to service and the doll does that quite naturally. It's a very happy and richly rewarding place for me to be; to be providing service and contentment, and as long as the doll continues to impress and for people to be happy with her, all is well.
However, over time, and as she was corrected and even punished for what was considered poor behavior, she became highly vulnerable because when she was dismissed or when she experienced the owner's anger or the mentor's anger, this absolutely crushed her. It would leave her in a puddle on the floor and more and more, she worried. There were times when she couldn't relax as the silly dumdum dolli because...what if she said something that displeased...what if He got mad...what if she was dismissed...abandoned...all over again?? The very connection that she so adored was now something that could potentially cause her to break. Better to be mindful of everything she said and everything she did and have certainty that she would not experience that sense of disapproval; not have to go through the trauma of a sense of abandonment. As much as 'the doll' has extraordinary, mind blowing and heavenly highs, she has experienced lows that leave her bewildered; confused; absolutely crushed.
Well, of course, I am much too sensitive as 'the doll' or as the full blooded complete woman that walks this earth. In either state I long for a deep connection; for affection; for approval and to please at the same time as I have so many things to say, some of which people don't like to hear.
When I talk about my time in 'the doll' state I almost always talk about these wonderful feelings of lightness and happiness; of feeling deeply connected to my true self and the person that brings out 'the doll'. I mean it when I say that it's a happiness unlike any other that I have experienced and that I'm grateful, exceedingly grateful to know that space; to have been introduced to that aspect of me; to have times when I can release my ego and all worldly concerns and just live life in its purest form. However, there are times when being the doll has caused me much angst and left me feeling that it may not be safe to enter such a vulnerable zone of living.
Even on a day by day level, I experience my husband's dissatisfaction as quite traumatic. To give an example, I said something towards the end of the evening recently and I have absolutely no recollection of what I said (something that seemed incredibly bland to me and of no importance or at all remarkable) but it bothered him; struck a nerve somehow. He berated me. It went on for maybe a minute, maybe less, I really don't know, but I had one of my out-of-body experiences where my mind responds like this:
'I must have said something wrong. Now, he will say a whole lot of things and I don't understand why he is saying them and I don't understand what I did wrong again and this is so troubling to me that my mind has switched off and I'm not here...soon it will be over and he will be he again and I will be me again and life will go on just as it did before we had another of these odd, unexplainable and very troubling events...now he has stopped talking and he is leaving the room and I can go back to living as we did before...and I get up and go and have a shower and get ready for bed...and have no recollection of the words spoken but only that I have upset him again and I don't know why or how this happened.'
This is not at all new. It's a much rarer event than it used to be a few years ago, thank goodness. I spoke to my psychologist about this experience last year and she said it was my mind protecting itself and it was a very healthy response. But, nonetheless, it is deeply troubling to me and I do what I can to try to avoid experiencing that sense of disapproval in me.
Now, in 'the doll' state I became quite vulnerable. In that state, one is well aware that the idea is to impress, to service and the doll does that quite naturally. It's a very happy and richly rewarding place for me to be; to be providing service and contentment, and as long as the doll continues to impress and for people to be happy with her, all is well.
However, over time, and as she was corrected and even punished for what was considered poor behavior, she became highly vulnerable because when she was dismissed or when she experienced the owner's anger or the mentor's anger, this absolutely crushed her. It would leave her in a puddle on the floor and more and more, she worried. There were times when she couldn't relax as the silly dumdum dolli because...what if she said something that displeased...what if He got mad...what if she was dismissed...abandoned...all over again?? The very connection that she so adored was now something that could potentially cause her to break. Better to be mindful of everything she said and everything she did and have certainty that she would not experience that sense of disapproval; not have to go through the trauma of a sense of abandonment. As much as 'the doll' has extraordinary, mind blowing and heavenly highs, she has experienced lows that leave her bewildered; confused; absolutely crushed.
Well, of course, I am much too sensitive as 'the doll' or as the full blooded complete woman that walks this earth. In either state I long for a deep connection; for affection; for approval and to please at the same time as I have so many things to say, some of which people don't like to hear.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteCarrie kissed Aidan, not Aaron. :) What can I say I really enjoyed the series and the movies if only for the fashion.
I think the level of vulnerability you can go to, you do go to is impressive. I am not certain I will ever be as vulnerable as you or cindi is; I think my ego is far too strong. Still, I am in awe and on rare occasions envious. However, when I read how low the lows can be I have to wonder if I am missing anything at all.
Interesting introspection.
~a
Vesta being open and vulnerable is very much a double-edged sword. On one side it's wonderful, except when it's not. Very much like you it can be crushing when mouse is rejected or corrected. It can feel like being struck.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot more she wishes to say on this topic, but is short on time. But needed to comment because so much resonated with her.
Hugs,
mouse
goodgirl: Oh, yes the movies are fun for the fashion but so ridiculously outlandish at times it becomes a bit trashy in my opinion. Thanks for the correction on names. I had a vague feeling I wasn't quite right but didn't go the extra mile to check it myself.
ReplyDeleteThe vulnerability during mentoring was much more intense towards the end. I noticed it immediately at the commencement of the year and unfortunately, it overshadowed the pleasurable component at times. There was the 'random' component that I was dealing with, I think, as opposed to a constant situation and the fear that a single mistake could cause disconnection was never far away from my mind. My desire to please, my complete dependence on his approval was incredibly intense in that persona. I sometimes think of it as my true 'slave' persona and in my heart of hearts I know I am capable of going deep down into that persona so it can be a gorgeous sense of 'coming home' to myself or else a profound sense of personal failure. Yes, it can be tough but I wouldn't want to have lived without those times, I really wouldn't and I guess at the end of the day you have to take the good with the bad. The training of 'the doll' ignited the deepest, dark and most profound core of me and I remain and always will be eternally grateful to have achieved that.
mouse: I used to exhibit 'bravado' rather than vulnerability when scolded. It seemed to be my coping mechanism for living with someone so willing to scold if he was displeased. That transformed into vulnerability once I was 'trained' and has remained this way. I think it is the price one pays for being opened up and I work pretty hard at being the woman he wants to have around. I expect you respond in much the same way. I think it's only fair that they take measures to allow us to reconcile and reconnect as soon as possible. Anything else is really quite cruel.
From Susan
ReplyDeleteI am crushed by the silent treatment or by being berated, met with anger, a raised voice, etc. I can handle (and most times welcome) being corrected or criticized if the one doing it is calm and kind. Meanness causes me to shut down. For me, it is all about how the person I have displeased reacts. Being stern is fine. Being mean is not.
Susan: Well said. That is the unwitting response, to "shut down". Yes, sternness delivered calmly is fine and I don't shy away from the veracity of that dominant response but I see any meanness (as in a total disregard for what anger/display of temper does to me) as unkind and unwarranted. I recognize that some of us have flashes of temper but should that occur it is so important to seek out the submissive and 'make good' in some way. He needn't apologize per se but he does need to reconnect as soon as humanly possible.
ReplyDeleteI always enjoy hearing from you. You always add something to the discussion. Thank you.
Hmmm...again this is very interesting to me. The following points are generalisations and should be seen in that light.
ReplyDeleteSubmissive girls want to please, that is their aim. They want praise and usually flourish when they receive it. Of course sometimes they do not please, occasionally that is deliberate, it is an attempt to garner attention or to make sure that their owner is still in control. Sometimes it is wanton naughtiness and sometimes plain foolishness or perhaps even accidental.
The dominant may not be responsible for that bad behaviour, although it is quite possible that he actually is. However what is not in dispute to me, is that he is responsible for what happens next. It is his reaction to that perceived bad behaviour which governs if this is a positive learning experience for the girl or a negative one.
In my opinion ignoring or dismissing submissive girls will not lead to a positive learning experience. Loss of temper by a dominant man is not suitable, if you cannot control yourself then you should not really seek to control others.
Above everything you need to know your submissive girl very well indeed. You must know how she perceives things, why has she done what she has done? What was her thinking behind that? How will she perceive her punishment? Things that leave her feeling abandoned, crushed, frightened of speaking or acting out of turn, walking on eggshells are extremely counter productive to what we are trying to achieve.
Of course this is only my opinion and I apologise for taking up so much space, I hope you have not found it inconvenient.
Anon: I'll respond to your comments via an example from my real life. I once responded to something said to me quite instinctively (without thought). I know for certain that I didn't mean to be rude or sarcastic but if came out that way/was perceived in that way and I was instantly dismissed. In that particular case I had the opportunity to express my apology within 24 hours and he asked what was I prepared to do to sort out the situation. "Anything," I responded. "Anything?" he asked (I think incredulously) "Yes, anything," I said, because it's not the punishment that is the issue for me. A submissive girl such as me welcomes punishment because it is an opportunity to address the wrong and move on and back into vogue. At least, that's the way I see it. Banishment does the exact opposite, in my experience. It makes for a disconnection and leaves a girl feeling abandoned and miserable. She may be sure not to do that thing again to avoid another abandonment but it means she lives on 'tender hooks'. Ultimately, this is what happened to me. It was just far too much stress for me.
ReplyDeleteYou are quite right in the points that you make. Withdrawing help and support is not the way forward and in my opinion it should not happen. If a girl is naughty then the thing to do is to explain that fact to her. In your case your naughtiness was accidental and that is quite easily dealt with.
ReplyDeleteAgain I generalise, but minor infractions are dealt with in a minor way, if the same minor infraction is often repeated then a different approach is needed.
Treats can be withheld, corners can be stood in, scoldings given, bottoms spanked, lines written and so on. What shouldn't happen is girls being left in a vacuum with no help or support. I am extremely sorry that you have suffered that. Submissive girls open themselves emotionally, that has to be the case. They need firm but gentle treatment, those two things are not opposed to one another.
Personally I wouldn't ask a girl what she is prepared to do. If she has been naughty I explain why that is so, I ask her if she has anything she would like to say and then I decide what punishment, if any, that infraction deserves. But perhaps that's just me.
Anyway, very well done with another thought provoking article.
Anonymous, from the male perpective I must applaud you for your approach. Your means of dominating accords closely to my personal values and understanding of how a healthy D/s relationship functions.
ReplyDeleteOf course all relationships are different as you suggest and there are no doubt a myriad of ways to apply control of which I am unaware. But it is elevating to read your thoughts and opinions here.
Many thanks from an interested onlooker.
Vesta, does your husband respond well to books? If so I wonder if he has read The Loving Dominant by John Warren? Very much a D/s 101, this is a great primer for navigating such difficult waters and certainly opened my eyes to the notion of providing a "service" through Domination.
Anon: Thank you for your words of support. I agree with your sentiments. I read a lot of material and I'm inclined to want to understand and to work things (and people) out. There's no doubt that withdrawing/isolating/dismissing a girl has her (and the association) walking a slippery slope. I've experienced that and I know. With some people it can be hard to reconcile matters because their childhoods have left them with ways of coping that can interfere with best practice in conducting relationships. (I'm being intentionally vague here.) And, I'm attune to that. I have had huge reluctance in negating the very good qualities of a man just because they have communication styles that can leave the other person flummoxed. Quite naturally (that is, it comes to me naturally) I have resilience and a rather strong submissive nature. I've read that the best people to partner people such as I refer to above are those with much resilience and a submissive nature. This made sense to me. I am the person to which they refer. So, I have found myself, a few times in my life, in fact, in a similar situation where I had to work out why someone was acting as they were and then find a coping strategy. The extraordinary thing is that, from my perspective, these three men all have had extraordinary strengths, been incredibly supportive of me, rendered me much happiness and understood me in ways that have sustained me.
ReplyDeleteDo I like these difficult behavioral characteristics of theirs? I do not and I can't condone them, but I continue to hold them in all my heart as having been wonderful people to come to know. I don't think there is one of us without some flaw.
But, I totally get where you are coming from and you are right to speak up as you have. In an ideal world a submissive woman would always feel supported. "Firm but gentle treatment" suits them best.
Again, thank you for your generous and well considered comments here and for your support. I appreciate it.
Rollymo: Yes, anon makes a great deal of sense, doesn't he!
If 'The Book Depository' could just get their act together I'll have that book in my hands very soon. I put the order in a good week ago!
Vesta, thank you for your considered replies to my various comments. Again of course you are correct, a girls positive experience is what counts. Despite the difficulties you have mentioned, your experiences have obviously been worthwhile and positive.
ReplyDeleteRollymo: Pleased you found some value in what I said. It works pretty well in my relationship, things are usually tranquil!