This morning I awoke and put on my exercise clothes. It had been a rough weekend with exam and assignment writing tension pervading the household. (There are five students in this house right now!) I needed to go exercise and get some tension released. I had worked it out that if I took one son to his exam I could go to Pilates class and be back to pick him up for more exam preparation at home. The thought made me happy.
I got to my desk to find a note from another son. "Mum, could you please wake me up at 8.30 am for my exam." Oh, poo! No exercise class for me, because the note meant that I'd also be driving him to the examination place.
As we prepared for the day ahead, the three of us, my husband wandered into the kitchen looking for pain killers and it was clear he was in pain. I swear that this is some form of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but then I don't get a vote.
I decided that after I dropped them both off, I would write quickly first here and then race the dogs to the park. I'd make them run behind me and that way I'd still get my exercise. Where there is a will, there is a way!
I was parking the car in the garage after the second run to examinations when I thought to myself,
"I want to go back. I want to go back to being a doll."
I came upstairs and searched in this journal and I read this entry about the doll.
I want that! I remember that insanely gorgous, divinely wonderful harmonious and peaceful, stress-free state of mind, AND I WANT THAT.
I got to my desk to find a note from another son. "Mum, could you please wake me up at 8.30 am for my exam." Oh, poo! No exercise class for me, because the note meant that I'd also be driving him to the examination place.
As we prepared for the day ahead, the three of us, my husband wandered into the kitchen looking for pain killers and it was clear he was in pain. I swear that this is some form of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but then I don't get a vote.
I decided that after I dropped them both off, I would write quickly first here and then race the dogs to the park. I'd make them run behind me and that way I'd still get my exercise. Where there is a will, there is a way!
I was parking the car in the garage after the second run to examinations when I thought to myself,
"I want to go back. I want to go back to being a doll."
I came upstairs and searched in this journal and I read this entry about the doll.
I want that! I remember that insanely gorgous, divinely wonderful harmonious and peaceful, stress-free state of mind, AND I WANT THAT.
It's got to be hard. Maybe in some ways it's like being stuck on a shelf?
ReplyDeleteLife just keeps getting busier, and the feelings we crave deepen. Really hope your husband can figure out the cause of the pain tho.
Just a side note, found it funny that mouse commented on that post you wrote. At that time the idea of objectification really terrified her (rightfully so, condiering the past), but now, not so much -- in fact mouse can see welcoming it.
Hugs
mouse
I wonder where you would place your dollification desires on Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Some days my need for contact and indulgence with my fetish is so strong almost nothing can keep me away. Yet I'm sure that's to a great extent a product of my comfortable, if stressful, Western lifestyle. If I were a beggar on the streets of New Delhi, say, then perhaps there would be a different slant.
ReplyDeleteYet I can very much empathize with your cravings. To be able to live life entirely according to one's own ideals and to be able to fully express ourselves and be loved, valued and understood is life's great longing. I have to admit I haven't got there yet by a long way.
I truly hope that one day cindi has the environment in which to flourish. She is a creature of remarkable beauty and her owner appears to have lost sight of that. I hope he finds the time and inclination to read here. He should be reminded of how rare and endangered she is.
mouse: I use that phrase myself, "being stuck on a shelf" but I don't think that quite expresses how I was feeling. It was more that I know what it is to feel so content living a very simple life of giving up control. Remembering well what that felt like, I know it is what I want. Yet, it can be hard for me to get there on my own. It goes back to those ideas I have so often written about; that I need to feel the dominant insisting that I give up control.
ReplyDeleteI'm not entirely sure that dollification or objectification is possible (or should be attempted) unless there is a driving force to want that and the dominant understands that driving force and is willing to take the time and effort to achieve that status for a submissive (at least temporarily). I remain grateful to have achieved what I set out to experience and knowing how much I loved it, I can miss it rather profoundly.
Rollymo: I agree. To be understood is an enormous thing. I achieved that. I can understand that your desire to be with your fetish is probably almost overwhelming on some days and this probably does relate to stress levels as well as some deep, innate desire for it that isn't all that easily explained to anyone else.
I have been away and returned home as I write this response and it makes me realize that what we need is 'time out' from our busy lives to indulge ourselves. We just have to take holidays and have opportunities to indulge ourselves and our fetishes. That really is all there is to that.
Of course, when life boils down to survival you just have to get on with it, but we all have needs of one type or another no matter where we live and we do best when we can feel joyous at least sometimes. We all deserve 'time out'.