Resilience

I think one of the issues that I return to over and over again in my writing is this notion that a woman (or man) can have a submissive nature, however that doesn't mean that she doesn't need to be strong. There is just overwhelming evidence, in my opinion, that a woman will need, at least once in her life to go through a situation where she will have to dig deep to find inner resources to pull her through.

Rich (an Internet friend) once said to me that the Dominant is really an illusion; that it is really just magic. A man can't necessarily protect a woman in every situation. He's right. Life throws up issues and no matter what one's nature, they have to be dealt with.

I've made no secret that I haven't always been as strong as I am now. I know what it is to experience post-natal depression and a depression a year or more ago now had me seeking out psychological expertise; something that I never expected to happen. Frankly, that took all my courage, but in my case there was an alarm bell that dinged within me; that told me that I couldn't cope any more on my own.

I sometimes wonder if, in fact, everything does have a reason and everything does have a rhyme because the inner strength that is now being called upon wouldn't be there to call upon if I hadn't been trained psychologically to cope. The condition that my husband is experiencing has no easy answers and I anticipate that we are going to be going through a low period for quite some time. There's no official name as yet, that I have been told, but I feel confident in saying that it is within the range of chronic fatigue. He's slowed right down and in the main, we're dealing with only the very basics of life; very few actual goals at this stage of the game.

I think we all understand things when we are ready to understand things and you can't necessarily push a person along. I think part of this relates to the brain protecting the psyche. The brain advises the psyche what it is best not to know.

Make no mistake. This is a physical condition. However, I see a pattern. I see that my husband rotates from high functionality (sometimes bordering on mania; a 'high' where he has supreme confidence and positive thoughts that can leave me worrying that he is not seeing things clearly) to periods of time where he doesn't seem at all himself; isn't particularly productive and seems uncertain. Sometimes, there are periods in between where he seems to be coasting; life seems completely under control and he seems neither high nor low. Without a doubt, those 'coasting' times have been the happiest for me. If one thinks of life as a canvass, then this is the background of our lives together; his state of  mind; moods; functionality. Much of the colour that will be painted onto the canvass is determined by that.

What I tried to do was to paint the colors of a power exchange onto the canvass and this provides abundant color and interest; gave the canvass some order and allowed me to let go of worldly concerns in tall order. The exploration of a power exchange opened my mind to spirituality, to getting control of my own emotions; giving me all sorts of skills like tolerance, patience, understanding, control of myself; relinquishing control; feeling happy. It has been wonderful for me, and him.

Yet, I know deep within myself that what we are experiencing is a breakdown of the psyche; the brain and the body have talked to the psyche and insisted that he slow down; that he take a break from the anxiety and a restless state of mind and just recover. Recovery is going to take time because he has abused the body and the brain and they aren't at all happy about it. They have closed down on him and demanded he rest.

Unlike my situation where I asked to go to see a psychologist when I knew I needed help, this is not an option in this particular case and it never will be. My husband rejects all notions that his condition relates to the psyche/brain and considers this a completely physical manifestation. What value could a psychologist be to a physical condition? Perhaps he is right. What is certain is that he will only ever do what he believes is right. I must (and do, with reluctance) accept that.

It helps a lot for him to talk; to talk to me. We spend quite a bit of time in coffee shops. He takes his medical material to read and I take my course work to read and when he wants to talk I put down my reading and listen.

I read that in these cases sometimes the significant other (that would be me) needs to also take a break from life; to simply take time off from his or her life to deal with the recuperation. Certainly, I am struggling with my course workload now  and I won't take on this amount of work again. One subject at a time for me from now on. If I can just get through the next 7 weeks...

This just happens to have befallen us at a time when I have a full household. Not only do three children live at home but there is often my daughter's boyfriend living here and when he is here, the television is usually on. I am writing in the blissful state of the early morning and all I hear is my nails tapping.

However, this is a rarity. I live, these days, amongst noise; amongst the need to provide copious amounts of food; copious amounts of clean laundry. They are blissfully ignorant of my dilemma; of my having the sense at times that I am slowly going mad. I occasionally talk to my eldest son but not too much.. He travels the world constantly and when he comes over, it is such a lovely rare treat that we just hang out and chat. He talks to his Dad quietly and gives him his full attention. He knows things aren't quite right but they no doubt seem under control  from the outside looking in. We're still here. I'm still cooking big family meals. The house still looks orderly and the kids are happily living out their lives.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm still a submissive woman and always have been. He's still a dominant male. But, people have issues and when that happens no body or brain stops to ask - well, are you dominant? Then, you are excused from anxiety; excused from having to take care of your body; excused from any and all conditions. None of us is excused.

I've located a place to meditate twice a week. The people sounded so sweet when I inquired asking me to contact them if there was anything else they could do. I just pay a few dollars to come and join their group when it suits me and that sounds just fine. I'm strong and I'll get by, make no mistake about that, but a little bit of help goes a long way.