I have always felt a close attachment to males; not just to my husband but to many men in my life: my father, my brother, my ballet master and any one else who would allow me to get close. I have tended to make attachments to men and to get great succor out of knowing their minds. Frankly, I just enjoy their conversation and being around them.
I've tended to worry about this because unlike so many other women I know, I have preferred male to female company. One of the difficulties about marriage for me has been this assumption that underlies my life that I should be forging close relationships with women and not men.
This year, perhaps for the first time in my life really, I have really embraced my time with women. I regularly (weekly) have a coffee with two groups of women, at least, and I find this time incredibly comforting. We tend to laugh a lot. We tend to support one another through whatever the issue of the day happens to be and we are incredibly kind to one another. That is what I love about the time with them. It is not at all demanding and we provide care and approval for one another. As I said to my husband earlier today, they have all had such interesting lives and even though many of them are retired now, (I am the youngest member of my yoga group) they certainly have not retired from life. All their minds are as sharp as a tack and they have embraced me into their little circle as if they have known me all their lives.
This morning, seeing that I was clearly not myself, my husband hugged me and told me that I just need "to relax". I tried to explain to him that men sometimes made it hard for a woman to relax. They expected so much of women. They expected them to take on the worries and needs of men and at the very same moment, relax. I suggested that this was why women found women; perhaps why women entered lesbian relationships late in life sometimes; because they just needed to live life in a more relaxed environment.
I don't think I could be any more clear about the fact that my goal in life is to live it cerebrally and contentedly. I have always aimed to get to a place where the real world mattered much less. I don't mean that I don't care about what happens in the world because I do care very much. I mean that I look for a state of internal peace and a sense of satisfaction with life. I have always believed that we live in our head and that life is what we make of it. We must choose to be happy. We must embrace life and live it well. We only have one life so far as I know.
I believe that men gravitate towards women, towards having one woman to call their own not just because they need a mate to go through life with, but because women instinctively understand this about life. Women hold the keys to a peaceful state and men instinctively get it that to find joy they may need a woman to take them there. Of course, not all women know this and men can be disappointed when they realize this.
There are moments when the going gets too rough around men; the men I choose. They tend to be demanding men; men who ask a lot of women; who worry a bone better than I ever will; men for whom enough will never be enough. They exhaust me; frustrate me; make me question my tenacity and strength. Of course, I cannot live without them. They provide me with what I need in a way that a woman could never do. They call on something within that is intensely feminine and I need that.
My oldest son, who is inclined to write words on cards that bring tears to my eyes repeatedly said this to me on this most recent Mother's Day: "You were always there for me and I will always be there for you."
That is it. Perhaps it is one of my few strengths that I endure; that I go on loving and giving in all circumstances; that I just won't give up; on anyone or anything and certainly not in finding the joy in life. I am emotional. There is just no doubt about that. But, it is seen by only a chosen few - those who read here make up the vast majority. To the rest of the world I am "ethereal".
I have been fortunate to experience true and good friends who seem to innately know how to companion me on my journey. I think they see this gritty side of me: the side that exhibits distress but refuses to give up on a situation and rather than offering me advice, they simply sit beside me (figuratively speaking). I've felt their presence in my life lately even when we have not actually spoken and I have understood when their upset on my behalf has caused their opinions to spill over and be expressed. They know, bless them, that they cannot 'save' me because I respond to my own instincts at the end of the day.
Some one said something to me last night. He said that he knew what he was doing. Such supreme confidence! It impressed me at a moment when I needed to be impressed. And, as I write these words, I feel satisfied to add that I know what I am doing too. My inner compass drives me forward into terrain that is not at all easily navigated.
All I can say for certain is that I both lust for a settled mind at the very same moment that I lust for the company of men who can make that goal so hard to attain. A perfect world would be to live with the company of men and to also have a settled mind. Alas, I am drawn to emotional men; demanding men; wonderful and vibrant men. Poor me. Lucky me.
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and them I imagine
ReplyDeleteDearest Sir J: I could interpet that in a few ways...but I choose to interpret your comment such that you believe they are "lucky" as well. God damn, but it would be swell if they actually said something to me along those lines!!
ReplyDeleteI also prefer the company of men, but actually because I find them simpler and more approachable than women. Women always seem to have a hidden agenda. Men will call you a bitch to your face but they'd never whisper it to each other behind your back.
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteAs you know from our lengthy conversations I too spent much of my young life and now adult life conversing with men rather than women. Granted I do have my very small handful of exceptionally wonderful ladies in my life - those friends who have been with me through all the monumental ups and downs this wonderful life offers. Still I tended to gravitate to men more than women and at one time I thought it was because women often came across as, well mean. Looking back now though, after great reflection, I realise that my lack of female companionship had to do with my own insecurities far more than the cruelty of women. In fact, as time has passed I have come to understand the complexities of women as well as men and can take great comfort and enjoyment from both genders. I think if women actually gave other women the benefit of the doubt as they so often do with men, then they could embrace and celebrate each other instead of fearing or feeling threatened by each other.
I value and respect my male friends and they are an important part of my life; however, there truly is nothing as special as the friendships I have made with women and I feel blessed for them.
And..just my two cents here but I think women friendships can help keep a balanced state of mind if only we allowed ourselves to trust women like we trust men.
xx
~a
ewoman88: I do find it unpleasant when friends from a friendship group who seem to be supportive when together, find reasons to say nasty things about one another when their backs are turned. Fortunately, I've managed to make friendships with women on a one on one basis that I find very sustaining. Perhaps it is about finding women friends with whom one feels comfortable. I know I opted out of an auxilliary recently because one woman made me feel so darn uncomfortable and I agree with goodgirl, that was about my own insecurities.
ReplyDeleteI think men will also talk to each other about a woman behind her back. I know my son was dating a girl that his friends thought very manipulative and they had a great deal to say about her behind her back.
I guess we have to be open to developing all sorts of friendships and giving of ourselves and seeing what we get back in return.
goodgirl: I think when you experience that sort of 'girl meanness' at high school, those horrid memories take some time to forget. One girl who was mean to me reads the news every night on the television and I often wonder if she is still mean behind that facade she puts up there on the screen.
You make a good point. It is so often about our own insecurities and I am much more open with women now: more aware that we all have those insecurities to some extent. And yet, I still gravitate to those women who strike me as kind hearted. That is still my comfort zone.