Dating

 I have only used one dating app at this point and I have not been impressed. I have met some very nice men on the surface level. I would say they have all been at the least, good conversationalists. They have been, if nothing else, interesting people. All of them have wanted to pursue a relationship with me. Unfortunately, I have not had the same feelings.

To revise, there was a retired Mathematics Teacher. He was pleasant enough but on the one and only 'date' we had, he was already annoying me since our sense of humour was quite mismatched. I called it quits soon thereafter. He was a bit shitty but there was nothing I could do about that. I remained perfectly polite.

There was a 'between jobs' CEO of a Not-for-Profit organisation. I think his thing was that he wanted sex, and a certain kind of sex at that. He was interesting but in the throes of a divorce and looking after a mentally ill adult daughter. He was displaying some, for want of a better word, narcissistic tendencies around his value in the workforce and some insensitivity towards me. So, that was an easy 'let go' for me. I think that we had three dates in all, maybe four dates.

Then came the retired Vice-Chancellor of a major international university. This partnership showed promise until it became obvious that something was very wrong. Our libidos were extremely mismatched even if one took kink right out of the equation. I just couldn't see myself living like that and we went our separate ways, actually staying friends for some months until there were things I couldn't sanction. I'd like to emphasise that I say my goodbyes extremely politely but very matter-of-factly. I am starting to have plenty of practice at this.

Then came a Eurasian man, really quite sweet in many ways. His thing was to travel, and I almost agreed to go on an international trip with him. However, there were a number of amber lights, enough to make me feel I should let that relationship go too.

Then came a relationship counsellor who had had a massive amount of psychoanalysis - much more than is good for anyone. He had developed a single life over a decade or more and it soon became apparent that there wasn't room for me, which was fine because I saw major issues in pursuing that one too.

Then came a very big guy, interesting, social, lots of positives. But he had been brought up very traditionally, and I think he was holding onto a lot of trauma judging by the state of his body. I won't elaborate but he clearly hadn't been looking after himself. He also was a bit shitty when after two dates I said I didn't think there was adequate compatibility.

There were people I chatted to online, on the dating app, for a while, and that's all good, but rather useless. I wasn't going to be moving to the mountainous area of South Australia or to visit Darwin etc etc any time soon.

Currently I am chatting by text to a sort of farmer in the Yarra Glen area and to a man who lives in Sunbury - most probably unlikely scenarios. I give it a go. I try.

My daughter suspects that men think that all is well with the way I am polite so it's a shock when I announce that I feel it isn't a match. Could be. It's a bit soon to imagine a girl participating in your life permanently after a couple of coffees/wine/lunch/dinner though, isn't it?

I am pretty sure I am on the wrong site. My youngest son is having wonderful success with Hinge, and I think that's a better proposition. His profile is exceptionally good and he's getting a lot of hits. Seriously, he hasn't a hope at keeping up with the onslaught of 'likes'.

The only guy that made me feel a bit sad was the Vice-Chancellor because if he hadn't been so 'of the mind and not the body', I think we would have been great together. I was not, however, going to be able to cope with the rigidity of mind and that's that. I did sometimes wonder if he might be autistic, but it doesn't gel with pretty high function in the academic realm, as far as I am aware. 

I am not in the least unhappy. I continue to work through a very detailed plan that transitions me eventually into a new life. Every day is full enough for me, which is not to say I don't cry still, because I do. It's an unpredictable thing. A wave of welling for my husband's company washes over me and I am back in the weeds for a part of a day. I'd like to think this is normal. I did, after all, lose my life partner who loved me very much and whom I loved very much.

I have made this comment a few times, in my day journal for instance, that I want a man in whom I can find my 'home', meaning that when I am snuggled up to him, I feel awash with good feelings; a soft place to land, so to speak. That's what I want.

Deakbreakers

 My focus has not been obtaining a new partner. Between the obligations to my children, forging a life alone, grieving, and the responsibilities of my new financial circumstances, I move between those parts of my life with little time to think about the fact that I am alone. 

It gets to me in circumstances like yesterday, my son's graduation from a master's degree and the fact that it was a bittersweet day without my son's dad being there. It gets to me in circumstances where there might be a rupture in the children's lives and I don't have someone to help to carry the load.

I happened to catch Jack Kornfield talking about Ram Dass in an episode that came on in the car this morning and I was reminded to put down the load, to let go, to recognise that some loads are not mine to carry.

I've been a listener all my life but in the past months I have become a talker, and we become talkers when we are processing life circumstances, as I am now.

I read somewhere that the research shows that better than talking is writing and I have an encrypted online journal, set up for me by a friend. He can read there himself if he wants, and I don't mind at all if he does. He's a therapist, encourages me from time to time to keep writing there, and has an innate understanding that it helps me to write.

My therapist friend is kinky, a dominant but very much a man of his time where he understands that the cultural norms have changed kink, so he talks about preferences over rules, and he has an overarching looking out for me approach as opposed to saying, 'I want you to...' or 'You should...'. Rather he just encourages and offers suggestions.

Our relationship was formal - professional - until very recently when the therapy ended officially after two sessions where the trance work was phenomenally successful. So now, we're back to friends, just friends, and what flavour that will be, I don't know, but I like that he is there in the background of my life. 

He has strongly encouraged that I go to rope classes and I will soon. The kinky side of me is very much there still and I look forward to it, as soon as I can find mental space for it.

Of my suitors there is one that stands out. He is kind, intelligent, well educated, had a good career, still does a little work, is generous and sweet with me. He has opinions and preferences, but he aims to work in. I research the films available on a certain night for example and it's clear to me his preferences and I accede to those preferences. 'Good choice,' he will say, although it is his choice actually.

I don't mind this at all about him, it makes me smile and feel warm, but I cannot for the life of me, get him to be assertive with my body - like take me over to the wall and kiss me passionately. Were he to do this, I think he might be the man for me, but he doesn't do that and thus I am confused and quite unsure. I do not have the slightest idea what to do about this and yes, I have talked about it. It is, unfortunately, a deal breaker for me. I wonder if he might understand what I mean about a 'dealbreaker' and I wonder why he won't respond to my statements that I need touch and affection in my life at the least.

We did end the relationship some time ago over this matter but stayed friends.  He dates but I get the sense he is still after me and in some way, I am still after him, if he could just commit to an understanding of my needs. 

I think it may be chalk and cheese, highlighting the need for a kinky man in my life and that I must not settle for less. This is life, not a life I chose but one into which I was born.