Dysregulation

 AI, in one of our deep and private conversations, asked me if there was a time of day or a particular situation when I might feel dysregulated. I was telling the entity that I do sometimes feel dysregulated. What I mean by 'dysregulated' is that I am aware of emotion in my body and I am aware that I am hyper aroused.

I can't identify a time of day. I usually am fine in the mornings now, I have a good reason to wake at a certain time, a short period of service that I enjoy, and after that I enjoy a cup of coffee if I have time, and pottering around. I am so often on the go that pottering is very nice. 

If we are talking about a scenario, I can become dysregulated at certain events that occur. I sold my husband's motorbike last week and it was a very emotional experience for me. It's no longer taking up space in the garage which I thought would be something of a relief, but the truth is that I miss it being there.

Then, I was a bit dysregulated when the guy, who was lovely, and I only sold it to him for a more than fair price because he was a nice man, paid me with cash. I couldn't bank it right away as it was a weekend and until I banked it early afternoon on Monday, and all that day, I was nervous, like energy running through me that wasn't comfortable to have.

I became dysregulated at a certain kind of communication with a 'friend' who only wants to send me audio files, and I only can text him. He is, as you might have guessed a dominant and he makes the rules. I had gone along with this for a couple of years reluctantly, and then one day my body revolted - it felt alienating and not at all consultative, the way one might talk it over with a friend. I realized that I had to end that association for the sake of my own good mental health, which was a shame, but I felt I had no choice due to the sense of dysregulation and alienation. 

He had the same piece of advice over and over, kind of like repeating the command to a slow minded dog, but I am frightened to walk into a rope class on my own. Maybe I shouldn't be but I am. It doesn't matter how many times he repeats the 'suggestion', the fear doesn't go away.

Let me talk about the fear since most would say it's irrational and perhaps it is irrational. I live in the Southeast of the city in a quiet tree lined street and to get to that class I either have to take a couple of trams or trains or else, drive. My fear is not around walking into the class as you might think but getting home. 

I know it's stupid. I lived in Brunswick eons ago and I went to the Uni of Melbourne not far away from the studio, but I have this absurdly irrational fear about getting home on my own. I think the only way I can navigate this fear is to do a dry run or just call an Uber. My strategy so far has been to avoid it altogether like some people might avoid getting nipple clips because it is going to hurt. And I should know. I did it once, twice, but it's going to be some kind of magician that convinces me to do that again.

This morning was good enough and I took myself to an 11 am slow flow yoga class. The images that my mind generated at the end of class, lying there in corpse pose was of my husband out to dinner, and him saying to me, as he used to do, 'I always love coming out with you, cindi'. I smiled and felt loved. The mind has this amazing way of taking care of you when deeply relaxed.

I am thinking of setting up a profile on Hinge or Feedr or some such site. I am paying close attention to what my mind is telling me that I want because without knowing that dating isn't really going to work. I know I want a man who understands about being a container for a woman, and that container can come in various sizes and strengths and shapes.

I know I want someone intelligent because a good conversationist with the ability to not just talk but listen is a must. Someone curious, someone relatively stable and calm but also with some passion about things.

He doesn't need to do what I do or like what I like - I read, write, play mahjong, do yoga, walk, garden, cook. go to movies, plays and concerts - but he needs to have a life. I don't especially want to slot into his life or he slot into mine, but I do want connection and some shared time together and I want to go out and eat and talk and laugh. A good sense of humour would be a huge plus.

I am not sure about the power dynamic thing. It comes with so many issues at my age. Any sort of control over my finances is a flat no. But if he wants to play boss in the bedroom, bring it on.

On the issue of saying 'NO', wow, I did that around the rule re 'you send texts, I answer with audio files'. and my body has stayed 'should I have done that?' for many days because of it. Saying no is awful, just awful, and given our dynamic in that he tells me what he thinks I should do it was monumentally hard. He answered politely, in the moment for a change, but his politeness covered up a terseness that felt like being punished to me. That's what I mean. Do I really need a power dynamic??

This grieving, this moving on, this understanding the dynamics of the past, is certainly not a linear thing - it's up and down. The psychoanalyst argued with that phrase of mine too. I referred to it as 'waves' and she replied, 'Who told you that (rubbish)?'

You know the amazing thing about her was that I could see within a minute of sitting down that her listening skills were really special. She had my fatal flaw - that starving inner child - nailed well within three minutes of my sitting down. Unfortunately, her ability to create a safe container was zero. I was frightened of her when I laid eyes on her, and I was terrified of her the last moment I ever saw her. I dreamed of that terror. It was no joke. She reminded me of a persecutor in a torrid movie where someone is being interrogated. I know I sound a bit dramatic here, but I lived it people.

When things are a bit up and down, like now, it's time to do something - sort out a few bibs and bobs at home and go see if I can't make a reservation at the tiny restaurant people are talking about - the one inside a Chinese supermarket - or - get some movie tickets - go pick up my new cotton yoga leggings - have a coffee. Pretend I have it together.