No Need to Apologize

Typically, we're  brought up to believe that it is important to apologize for wrong doing. 'I am sorry' is a phrase that often ends an argument, and/or makes someone feel better, and/or that brings closure to the upset.

It gets a bit more tricky when both people feel that they should be apologized to, which can lead to no apologies at all, or the old standby, 'I'm sorry if you're sorry too'. Then, regardless of 'fault' the two people just drive on, no matter who really was at fault.

It really bothers my husband when I don't apologize when he thinks I should, which can be complicated by the fact that he has often spoken rudely (in my opinion) after the initial offence, which makes it hard to apologize, because I think he should apologize also for being offensive.

On the other hand, part of the training that I have undergone was about not needing to apologize. The theory there was no apology was required on either side, but rather that there was a cosmic sort of understanding that the other person was sorry about whatever had gone down. Rather than bother about fault and hence apologies, it was only necessary to drive on in a spirit of this mutual understanding that things would go awry sometimes, but the best intentions were always meant.

To date, there was only one "sorry" and this was early on in the association and really meant absolutely nothing, now that I think about it, because the same behavior pattern has remained. Always, however, there was plenty of encouragement that apologies were not needed or wanted, the subtext being that I shouldn't expect them either, of course.

If I recall correctly, there was one major statement that an event that occurred was not my fault and this was a big, big thing in our friendship. Completely unsure of what I could have possibly done to cause the rift it was a statement that meant a great deal to me.

On the flip side of the coin, I apologize quickly and fully for wrongdoing. My 'brief' is completely clear to me and I know when I err. I give my regrets sincerely. I don't recall getting "that's okay" in exchange. If I've erred then apology or not there's usually more to be said on the matter. I rather think that the two sides aren't entirely balanced on this issue, but there you have it and in any case, that's in line with the arrangement anyway. We never shot for equality of any kind.

In the midst of this, I've struggled to put that practice into practice at home, until it suddenly occurred to me how much sense it made for the life I live. Let me explain.

My husband has a volatile nature; very sweet, but inclined to flare up at a moment's notice, the tone deepening and the pitch increasing as it suits him. So, over the years he's needed to apologize endlessly really. As a young man, one knew he'd lose it and then the apology would happen soon after. I got to the point of encouraging him to try to not lose it in the first place but decades later it's clear it is impossible. For some years, on the whole, he gave up apologizing. I noted it, smarted about it and got my nickers in a knot about it. If he didn't apologize, I felt, it meant he didn't get that it was troubling to be on the receiving end of a ranting man. I could be upset for hours.

More lately, he's gone back to apologizing and I think that is because he is more aware of his vast changes in moods and I think he'd like to do something about it (but can't), so he apologizes instead. Some upset remained. I tend to talk to myself in the shower about it, to get privately  upset and it is that upset that can ruin my mood.

But, then the penny dropped. There was something to the idea that if you didn't expect an apology, you didn't need to get upset at all. Better, I pondered, to accept his short failing on this matter and see it for what it was. Privately, he was sorry, and  also most likely to make up for it in some other way. More than anything else, this avoids a huge amount of angst on my part. I acknowledge him as flawed, but loving, that he appears to be vaguely aware of the flaw, at least after the fact, and likely sorry. The great part is that I don't allow it to encroach on my mood. Win:win.

I am not at all sure that my husband is willing to accept a 'deal' about this and I don't even suggest it. It's a private deal with myself. So, in those moments when I slip up, he's likely to want me to say "sorry", although I do also think that there have been many times when he has let it go, because it was such a slippery slope when we had both done wrong.

This decision on my part to not expect apologies is part and parcel of a newly embraced feeling of comfort with the philosophy of being 'the bottom'. If one takes to heart that one follows directions regardless of whether one likes them or not, then there's an intention behind that there will be the odd issue, but that the trust between the two of you means that the best intentions were always in place. More than that, it means that there will be moments when the 'bottom' doesn't care for what is going down but that's the agreement, the 'informed consent' that this is the sort of relationship wanted and desired; at the very least, agreed upon.

In some respects, that sort of policy also ensures the 'Top' and the 'bottom' are always working to make it the best possible relationship it can be. An absence of apology doesn't mean that the offense hasn't been noted and in this way there's an even bigger commitment for both people to do better next time. If the Top isn't sincere about wanting to be the best he can be under this arrangement then that too will be duly noted in good time. This only works when both people desire to improve and progress in their submission and dominance, I think. At least, that's my feeling upon writing, and a concept I've been mulling over for some weeks. I certainly wouldn't advocate it to the populous at large by any means but for those involved in a power exchange dynamic it may be an option worth considering.

Still learning

In my last post I made mention of how we have a tendency to think of our lives in story form. After all, a year begins with a sense of hope as to how things will go, there is a middle to the year, but it is not until the year is over that we can assess how things have actually gone and whether the year (the story) was a success or otherwise.

I had in my mind a thought to share my kinky notebook with you in this post and in so doing, to explore all the ways I feel I have grown over the past year. It didn’t work out so well. There is so much detail in that notebook of mine and it was getting ridiculously complicated. I hope you can take me at my word that I have definitely made lots of progress with my submissive state and as well, how I function as a complete human being.

It seems more prudent to write here in my last post of 2010 what I have yet to fully grasp in terms of being a submissive woman. This gives me a focus going into 2011 so that hopefully sometime next year I can report my issue is fully licked.

The biggest issue for me is that I have trouble getting into trouble. I find it damaging to my sense of self as a “good girl”. If I am in trouble, says my complex mind, then I am not perfect and hence I must be bad (and a huge disappointment and deserving of banishment).

This is a long, ongoing saga. I remember Rich (the man who helped me accept my submissive nature a few years ago) saying to me after I had or hadn’t done something or other, that I was a bad girl. I remember how I felt and there was nothing at all erotic about it. I felt awful.

We explored my feelings and I remember telling him that my mother used the word “bad” and still does. “Bad dog!” she will say. I remember asking her not to refer to my oldest son in that way. “You’re a bad boy!” I never get upset with my mother but at the time he was a confused two year old child and his mother was sitting in a hospital with tubes coming out of her. I was upset that I couldn’t care for my son and baby and she was upset that I was ill. She defended herself and I just went into my shell. I have always hated the thought of calling someone “bad” and I didn’t want to ever feel that I was bad. Rich tended to use the word “naughty” after that.

It is the absolute truth that I always wanted to be a good child and I was thought of as a good child. I was the good girl at school and at home and if I had revolutionary thoughts or idea or plans, I kept them to myself and quietly went about achieving my goals in a non-demanding and non-confrontational way.

I loathe being in trouble with my husband and one of my incredibly big breakthroughs is that I am able to say very easily now that “I am sorry”. It was hard to accept the blame for things; to accept my share of wrongdoing; to acknowledge that my lack of control, for example, was responsible for the argument we had.

I’ve always been relatively quick to apologize if you allow me a few minutes, hours or at most a day, depending on the circumstances. I want very much to put an end to the unpleasantness. But, in the heat of the moment, that could be very hard for me to do. On that score, the progress is truly significant.

The issue that remains is that I find myself wanting to avoid unpleasantness altogether. It has seemed to me that if I could just be strong enough to self soothe I could withstand almost any circumstance without sharing it or asking for support or forgiveness (or whatever I needed to share). If I withheld information and purported to be perfectly all right then unpleasantness would be avoided. I wouldn’t be in trouble in any way and I would not have disappointed in any way. I would not be thought of or called “bad”.

Of course, there is a price to pay for such a stand. The connection between the top and bottom is weaker, there is a sense of being a fraud and there is some resentment too that I was allowed to get away with this in the first place. The thinking goes, ‘if he paid a bit more attention, it would be patently obvious that I am not as good as I state. Nobody is that good, for Pete’s sake. Nobody is so self sufficient, least of all a submissive such as me!’

I am encouraged to “let go”. I have said in the past, “but if I let go, if I just naturally say what is on my mind, or if I tell you everything, I’ll be in trouble.” (or words to that effect) The response was quite simply, “Then, be in trouble and take the correction. Dolls learn from correction, don’t they?!”

Dolls do learn from correction, it is true. Yet the issue remains that to be transparent is to reveal myself as the flawed person that I am. I’m not nearly as strong as I’d like to be either but the thinking goes, ‘at least I can learn to be strong and stand on my own two feet, whereas to be so vulnerable, so liable to being hurt and to being rejected and thought of as a disappointment is just too painful’.

The way I tried to reconcile this problem in my mind is to be very mindful of the way that I communicate and I have found this strategy goes a long way. If I want to tell my husband something, or ask for something, or if I want peace to reign but still want to voice an opinion, I do it with a great deal of tact, with diplomacy, at an appropriate time and completely aware that it must sound and seem polite to his ears. If he chides me it takes rather a long time for me to find the courage to try again to be honest with him about my feelings, my needs or thoughts.

Be assured, over the year my life and my relationships are vastly improved. I am very happy. But, I cannot deny that I do withhold certain thoughts and feelings out of a sense that this brings peace and stability. I continue to doubt the thinking that asks the submissive to reveal all to her dominant, to get in trouble, to accept the correction, learn and drive on. I accept it in theory. However, to be considered less than perfect and to risk the abandonment or derision of the dominant is something I continue to find very difficult to do. I know this is not a good thing and somehow rectifying this flawed thinking in my mind is a high priority goal for 2011.

2010 has been a very fruitful and happy year for me. I’m an incredibly lucky girl and I know it. I have a husband I adore and who adores me. I have wonderful friends who support me, inspire me and sustain me. I have a terrific family and I have the opportunity to grow, to learn and to write. Who could ask for more?

May 2011 be a very happy, successful and loving one for you all.Happy New Year!

What's it all about, Alfie?

Last night, my husband was cross with me. He had come to bed and once he does that he expects me to turn my lap top off right away. If he’s busy in his study, I can type away on the lap top until I knock myself out. He knows that I know when I should settle down for the night to get adequate sleep but he’s not inclined to set bedtimes or micromanage me in this way. And, if I complain the next day about being tired, he’ll remind me as to why I am tired and assure me that I’ll get no sympathy from him.

But, if he comes to bed, then he has no interest in my preoccupations and thus when I did not put away my favourite toy immediately I got ‘the rounds of the kitchen’. And, rightly so!

I tried cuddling into him but he said he was “too hot” and I tried opening up an erotic conversation but he said he didn’t want to talk about that right now.

“Goodnight,” he said with an air of finality.

“Goodnight,” I replied with an air of resignation.

Back in the doghouse again...

In the morning, upon waking I felt him reach for me and, of course, that is my cue to cuddle into him. I lay there, relieved that he wanted to cuddle, and I said, in a little girl voice,

“I’m sorry.”

“That is all I wanted to hear,” he said. “You know what is right.”

And, I do. I do know what is right. But, before we transformed our relationship into a power exchange relationship I did have a great deal of difficulty with those three little words.

I am sorry.

You see, so often when my husband was angry with me, he would raise his voice. The focus would shift from my wrongdoing to his behaviour when telling me off. My "sensibilities" were offended that he was telling me off like an irate schoolmaster and in this state, apologizing was virtually impossible for me. Letting it go was impossible for him. Our stand offs could last for a long time!

It may seem a little thing to you, but my willingness to acknowledge my wrongdoing, accept my scolding, and to offer my apology immediately is a big step for me. For my husband, it is one of the great blessings of our power exchange relationship.

The issuing of punishments is not really his thing. I imagine many a dominant man out there would suggest that the removal of the lap top for a week might have me thinking twice before being tardy about turning it off again. But, acknowledgement of the error is what was important to him.

And, in any case, he knows full well that a good old-fashioned scolding is far worse to me than any punishment he could dish out. It is a rare day when he delivers a punishment – the cane or the removal of a privilege, for example. His words of disapproval, his dismissal of me, banishment occasionally, are perfectly adequate for him to make his point. And my words of apology are nearly always enough for him as recompense of the error.

Now, don’t let me lead you astray. He loves to threaten me.

“By God, you are overdue for the cane, little girl!”

“Why don’t you repeat that? Repeat that, and see what happens!!”

“Where is that paddle? What have you done with it? When I find it I’m going to enjoy turning your ass red!”

“Did you touch yourself today, cindi? Did you???”

I’m corrected quite routinely.

“Beating your ass gives me such a bar” is one of those remarks of his that always make me smile.

There are many faces to this dynamic of ours. Love, harmony, connection, fun and pleasure is a huge part of what it is about for us.

Mentors

There has been considerable talk about the place of mentors in the past weeks. I am very lucky in that when I chose my mentor, I chose very well. Occasionally, I think he worries that he might have got something wrong with me. But, as I tell him, even when he is wrong, he is actually right. It works quite beautifully. I share this little (slightly edited) snippet of our exchange earlier today to explain how simply effective (and effectively simple) it can be:

My husband and I had been for a walk and therein, I said something he didn’t care for, and I was hauled over the coals for it. I do have my ‘not feeling submissive’ moments. You might have guessed.


Anyways, I ended up by turning on my heel and walking home; alone. I put on the kettle and sat down to check my mail online and there was Janus, up for a chat. He asked how I was and I admitted that...


”I'm in a bit of trouble and trying to keep my distance from ‘you know who’ at the moment.


“Why are you in trouble?”


“All was absolutely fine and dandy...good morning...and we were going for a walk, and then we had a bit of an exchange, and he didn't like what I said. He started to get really cross with me and I saw red and I crossed the street. Bad move!! He came over and got even madder and I turned around and walked home. I know I'm meant to go and apologize, but you know what? I'll have to go through the speech all over again, and I 'm trying to cool myself down so that I can take it.


I’m sure you can guess what Janus said, but just for the record:


“It's time for you to take responsibility. Why are you delaying? You know what you need to do. Calm down, go tell him you are sorry. I'll wait. “


“ Okay, okay.... I'm going...”


“I’m back. He accepted my apology.”


“ See, getting it done right away has its rewards.”

“I know that you are right.”


Of course, Janus would not be Janus if he didn’t press my buttons. And, when we had a transmission failure later and our words to one another were not getting through, it was quite funny to later read our responses to one another; neither sure if we had offended one another in some way. You see, he is more than just a mentor, and I’m more than just a ‘green as grass’ sub. We have a lovely, lovely friendship. Lucky, lucky, lucky me!