In my last post I expressed some frustration that my true nature is kept under the radar. I don't necessarily look like a person with kinky thoughts running through her mind night and day is meant to look. Certainly most people don't respond to me in any particular way that relates to my submissive nature. Only the rarest of people have caught on to what lies below the surface and have sought to interact in person with the whole entity that is me.
Last Saturday, my husband and I enjoyed one of our most kinky of days all morning and again in the late afternoon. There was just enough time for me to get ready for a dinner party with a group of friends and whilst 'cindi' was present all night on the inside (my husband said I was "aglow"), on the outside all that was visible to the untrained eye (I suppose) was "the girl".
I admit it bothered me and it particularly bothered me that when the word "spanking" was used by one of the men, I became particularly silent. I feel fear (and elation) when the word is used in such a vanilla setting because I worry that I am one step away from exposure.
But honestly, exposure from what? Exposure from the fact that I am happier now and more content than any other time in my life? Exposure from the fact that I enjoy living and loving in a certain kind of way? Exposure from the fact that I have special friends that have enriched my life and made me feel complete?
On one level, it's not that I fear exposure at all but rather that I covet that which is so very special to me. I don't want a bunch of people making lurid, smutty comments about me or those special to me when they don't really understand me, what makes me tick or the lifestyle of my choice. The exposure I worry about is an exposure than would alter something truly wonderful and transformational into something cheap and lurid. I covet my privacy in this space by way of a different name(s) because I fear that to not do so would let the sunshine in and void the magic of the experience for me and others.
I want to be very clear about one thing. The entity of Vesta/cindi allows for the whole personality and spirit of me. If I am kind, obedient and truthful, if I am honourable, if I am loyal and honest and reliable; if I can keep a secret and take it to my deathbed - and I am all those things and can do all those things, then those qualities are all part of the whole me (wife, mother, citizen, daughter, submissive woman who seeks containment, to name but a few of the roles in my life). The open expression of Vesta and cindi enable me to express all that is me.
And, who is me? I'm a girl who took a chance and reached out to her husband first and foremost and then to a few significant others about thoughts that had run through her head all her life. With the help of one or two special people, I'm a girl who opened her mind on these pages (and others) to allow other people in to read and explore her mind and heart and soul.
I'm a girl with the greatest of respect for other people who have also pursued the expression of themselves (semi) publicly in whatever form that takes. We all here reach out for interaction with like minded souls, for self expression and to live our lives as honestly as we can under the restraints of a community who may choose to judge/mock rather than seek to understand/accept how we choose to lives our own individual lives.
Would I prefer to look like a kinky person? Would it enrich the experience for me? Not really. I choose the clothes and appearance that are right for me, much as we all do. It is enough for me that only very special people know me for all that I am. I never needed a crowd, never needed to be the centre of attention and never wanted to be the life of the party. It is enough for me to live exactly as I do because it is part of me to be a very private person with very special people in my life.
I am a trusting but careful person. I choose who I trust and do that carefully. In the same way I can be trusted by them. A secret is only a secret when you tell someone and the secrets of others will never see the light of day on these pages or any other pages. It is said that if you have a handful of friends in your life - true friends - you are doing well. I believe that.
There have been times on this journal when I have wondered if I have anything more to say; anything more to offer the reader. The thought I return to is that this is my chance to be brave and to do something bold and good and true. This is what keeps me coming back to these pages.
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Very well said. Our private selves are part of us, and need fresh air, exercise and company --- even if that can only be found online.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post Vesta. I feel the exact same way you do. We are so alike, but from the opposite ends of the spectrum. Our stories are so similar. Just our needs are different. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. It helps. Me at least. To know I'm not alone in what I go through.
ReplyDeletewonderful post Vesta!
ReplyDeletekk
Well said Vesta, I think you express the feelings of so many in this blogosphere. I know I agree that this aspect of me, or personality does not cry out for public acceptance. Like you, I think too much exposure would dull the blade.
ReplyDeleteI am reminded of something someone once said, "I an still the long haired hippie of my past. It is just that the long hair is on the inside now."
I would rather have 5 true and close friends than all the casual friendship in the world.
I really appreciate your blog, whether it's thought provoking or incredibly sensual or both. As I was reading this post, I kept thinking that the privacy about who we are is necessary because in this is sacred space. It needs to be kept safe and somewhat apart to protect it, to keep it from being trampled. IMO.
ReplyDeleteaisha
It's hard to find that balance between discretion and openness. Matters of sexuality are especially delicate. I'm grateful to have a means to expressing myself on a blog. And I'm glad you have yours.
ReplyDeletePL: That's a nice way of putting it, I think: that our private thoughts have their needs and it does seem they do need exercise as well as company. This web journal goes quite some way to taking care of those needs.
ReplyDeleteWilliam: I understand what you mean when you say it helps to know you are not alone. When I first got a lap top and started what I like to call my "research" I was gobsmacked and delighted to learn that I was not alone in the thoughts I had.
kk: Thank you!
David: A "long haired hippie", huh? I'll remember that. Well, I definitely still feel vibrant and youthful in many ways and that is one of the great benefits of what I do here. And, of course, you know I agree completely about the status of friendship.
aisha: I think your comment is gold. It *is* indeed a sacred place for me here and I definitely feel that it must stay here rather than too exposed out in the arena of life for just the reason you say - "to keep it from being trampled".
Mick: I agree. I love to read your blog. I thoroughly enjoy your combination of doing what you know works and maintaining a lovely sense of humor. I am meant to laugh at some of the things you say, right?