My Witness

Perhaps it's my contemplative nature combined with the fact that I keep journals filled with notes and thoughts that come to me and demand some sort of voice, that I often find a sentence here or there completely resonates with the feelings I hold inside me at this moment.

So, this morning I noted on Facebook an advertisement for a woman running some sort of course. She wrote, 'We all need a sacred witness in life...'. I think that too, at the same time as I am notably private. She went on to write about 'the spirit within you' that directs you in decision making. It will vary from person to person but I think we can all get in touch with that spirit at certain moments.

And then, I happened to open a journal of mine on a page where some years ago I must have been listening to Richard Flanagan, one of our best fiction authors. I had made a note of his observation that as people we congregate within the structure of 'family'; that although we nurture, protect and love, it doesn't necessarily satisfy; that what satisfies can be unquantifiable. Maybe, he suggested, it is how something makes you feel...

Yesterday, I listened to a recording of a talk by Rick Hanson, who I admire very much; a lovely guide for meditators and an incredibly intelligent and caring psychologist. He was talking about the fact that perhaps a good question to ask about an interaction with another person is 'Do you feel bigger/open/supported, or pushed down, needing to prove yourself more?' Ultimately, he said 'they will do what they do'. Very true.

Somewhere in the discussion he mentioned feeling that some interactions were 'tender and sweet'. A bell went off in my head. Did I experience the transactions with my mother as 'tender and sweet', now or ever? I think at times she has tried to be that person, in her own way. I think she feels more than she can express.

Sometimes, I visit with her and I come away feeling, not necessarily uplifted, but not unhinged by the visit. That's a very good visit. Mostly, I come away feeling deep internal distress that I simply cannot put into words. I don't experience anything tender or sweet about those exchanges, most particularly when I go towards her body to say goodbye and she puts her arms behind her back. I am left to peck her on the cheek. Lately, that's felt like a dagger going through my heart.

I think every human does need a witness to their lives. It could be a priest, or a parent, or a friend that knows you just as you are, and accepts you just as you are. It could be someone new as well; perhaps a mentor for someone overcoming an addiction. Maybe it is only half the time a 'family' member. We have the ability to create our own family, or become fiction writers, or keep a journal, or write poetry. Whatever allows us to express what lies dormant in our soul is right. Thus, I continue to write here, in  my tiny corner of the Internet. Thank you for being my Witness.

Impulsivity

Yesterday morning I sent my husband an article that I thought it would be useful for him to read. It talked about a symptom of ADHD - impulsivity - and offered some strategies a person could use to help with that tendency.

For example, some people blurt out what they think in a business meeting for fear of forgetting the thought when they do get a chance to air their views. If such a person were to jot down the thought this would prevent the feeling of desperation to get out the thought at an inappropriate time. Hilary Clinton did this several times in her debates with Donald Trump.

In the case of a personal conversation a person might note that his or her hand is clenched as a clue to take a few deep breaths rather than talk over someone or go into a monologue, rather than to remain a conversationalist.

Last evening, there was a brief discussion about health. I think my husband mentioned a particular vitamin that he was out of, or something related to a vitamin or mineral. I assured him that I wasn't discounting what he said but that lifestyle issues were an important part of aging in a healthy way. So, the idea is to get yourself into a situation where anxiety is easily managed - eat well, exercise most days, enjoy your life and keep your body motoring along in a consistent and gentle way.

He debunked the importance of lifestyle, as he always does. That's okay. We have differing views on the matter. But, he did raise an important point. Lots of people have lots of anxiety in the form of responsibility and it doesn't do them any harm, as far as we can tell.

Of course, I happen to think that my husband's anxiety has done him a lot of harm but again that relates to the lifestyle choice of carrying his anxiety with him nearly 24/7 for a very long time. He doesn't have a healthy lifestyle balance. Anyway, I can't do much about that at this time and it's not the point of the journal entry.

It got me thinking about anxiety - the kind of anxiety that makes you feel stressed, miserable, under the gun, tired and worried - and it's a very inward thinking, non-relating sort of thing. When overly stressed it's a rare person that is sexually aroused. Stress closes down the desire for life that is abundantly available when stress is low and a person is well rested on a daily basis.

When someone is stressed they tend to not behave as well as they might,  perhaps demanding that their beliefs and ideas are most important and require all the air space; indeed,  snuffing any other ideas out. The ideal situation goes that we need to act and think sympathetically towards such people. It is, after all, some sort of anxiety showing up in a dysfunctional communication style. We are asked to walk in the other person's shoes and see into their insides. Ah, yes, the rudeness relates to anxiety!

Yet, it actually doesn't work that way after a time. Rather, the tendency becomes to realize that it is better to disengage from this dysfunctional conversation (monologue) and to keep your opinions to yourself.

When you keep your opinions to yourself, you keep yourself to yourself and in this way there is no relate-ion-ship. You remain alone, in essence protecting the relationship from combustion; rather, keeping the relationship on hold until, and if, behavior improves.

To be aware of a tendency to be impulsive and to learn the strategies that enable you to have control of any impulsivity is not only a gift to yourself but to all the other people in your life. Impulsivity drowns those people around you until one day you realize that all the people around you have their heads under the water.

Now

There probably isn't anyone these days who hasn't heard the advice 'to live in the moment'. It makes sense to accept the fact that the past is the past and that the future has yet to come, so best to embrace this moment and make the best of this moment.

You can take this simple thought as far as you want. For instance, it is soothing to focus on the senses in the moment. Rather than scoff down that peanut butter sandwich take a moment to notice the thickness of the bread and the crunchy bits in the peanut butter spread, or the smoothness of the non-crunchy variety, if that's more your thing. How does the sandwich feel on your tongue? Rather than chew just enough times to get it down your throat, satiation for your stomach and nothing more, chew several more times and notice how that feels. It's a pleasant experience to pare life down to the simple things if for no other reason than your thought processes slow down for a bit. It's hard to think about your 'to do' list at the same time as you are paying attention to what is happening in your mouth.

One of the patterns of my mind that I noticed some time ago, but didn't realize was making for difficulty was that, when confronted with a challenging period of time, I tended to say, either out loud or to myself, 'Just tell me when it will end. So long as I know when it will end, I can manage.' I remember once a lawyer calling to tell me of the outcome of a situation. I distinctly remember replying, 'Are you telling me it is over?' That's the way my mind worked. Things had a beginning and thus had an end. In the interim, whilst waiting for a satisfactory outcome, I suffered more than was necessary.

I don't think like that any more, although the temptation is there, I catch myself and stop it. I think this relates to my understanding that I can't control all that much, and nor should I. It also relates to the fact that I have come to see that life isn't like that; a beginning, a middle and an end. Of course, we are born and eventually we die and in the middle of those two events we live. So, rationally speaking there is a beginning and there is an end.

However, if you think like that, for example, 'I can't be happy until I find someone to love me completely', or 'I can stop worrying when I get the children into good colleges', you simply miss a good deal of your life.

I'm currently at the holiday house. We must have had it for nearly 20 years now. When we bought it the house was an honest to goodness 'fix her upper'. We can't get here too often but when we do we do something to make the property a little better. It's slow going, although if you look back, we've done a great deal. Yet, there is still so very much more to do.

In moments, I get a little despondent. How I'd love to throw a bit of money at the property and just get things done. But, on the flip side, I've had more fun this summer here than ever before. I've truly relaxed, loved the lake, and my husband and I have had much fun buying a few cushions and stools and bits and pieces at a sale. Every little improvement we make is great fun and one day, probably years from now yet, we'll arrive at the place and think 'its all done'. In the meantime, we are grateful we have a property in the country which we can do up.

Relationships have an overarching 'feel' about them, I think. There are good times and bad times. When you've been together for as long as us, 40 years, you start to look back and wonder what enabled such an enduring thing. Others would have split with much less having gone wrong, with less challenges, so why did we pull through? Why does the love continue to grow?

I think you have to believe; you have to believe in the goodness and the 'rightness' of the union. You have to try to imagine life without this person and realize that it is not the right thing for you, or for the family. You have to dig down into your best self and call on your resilience in the hard moments. Staying together isn't always the right thing, naturally, but if you believe in the union, you'll find a way to endure the tough times. Here's where getting in touch with your emotions helps; identifying them and sitting with them until your brain calms and settles. Time outs to do this is no bad thing.

In the past few turbulent years I never could have conceived of a time when my husband would be more patient with me, more settled with me, more generous and in the moment with me. We talk in a new way now; more positive and more confident about our lives together. We talk and talk now, often in an existentialist way, about the meaning of life and how to live a good life. We are on board about the body and mind connection and it's so wonderful to have this new, deeper bond.

He has called on cindi at times; completely derails the rational girl and reduces the bimbo right down to a mindless toy. I love this, I love his desire for her. Truthfully, I am a little coy at the moment; quiet in my sexuality. It's a transition period for me, he knows this, as I examine certain behaviours of the past that derailed me; derailed my emotional state.

I'm not bursting with impatience to have this interim period behind me. I have faith that the examination of my unconscious mind will lead to a good place. Pia Mellody said in a utube lecture that a relationship isn't a passionate or dramatic thing, until the time is appropriate for there to be passion. A relationship is a calm thing; something that ebbs and flows like a river, rather than being a roller coaster ride. In some ways, the roller coaster ride became 'normal' in my mind, even though I detest roller coaster rides. I came to see that I had to get off the roller coaster ride.

In some strange way, the vast improvements in my functioning, my husband's functioning and the health (though not the strength) of the union relates to this calm approach; calming oneself right down and staying in the moment; being less absorbed with the mistakes of the past and being less invested with the outcomes of the future. Life, in it's simplest moments right now, is a beautiful thing.

Sexual liberation

I went to a session recently where there was a panel of erotic/porn writers talking about their work. In their discussion there was talk of the institution of marriage and it was made clear that it was passe (imagine a mark above the e) to have female characters remain in, or return to, their marriages. Notions of women's sexuality had gone beyond that idea, they said. It almost felt wrong to remain committed to a relationship that was average when there was so much untapped potential out there, at least in terms of telling a story that involved women's sexuality.

Even Elizabeth Strout, author of The Burgess Boys, a self-confessed conservative woman from Connecticut, had some concerns about her character Helen, also a conservative woman from Connecticut whose husband has been unfaithful, accepting Jim back. Part of her, she said, wanted Helen to go out and grow.

Helen is very interesting actually because there's a paragraph in the book that alludes to Helen feeling uncomfortable about some other person having been found to have whips and rope and nipple clamps in their house. She's not being judgmental about them here. She's jealous, because thoughts have crossed her mind but she's put them aside; certainly not discussed them with Jim. And, here the exploration of Helen's sexuality remains; locked.

It's an important next stage of women's rights to live a full life, I think, this exploration of their abundant potential for sexual fulfillment. I cast no blame per se, for there is nothing to be gained by blaming anyone, but many the married woman has had a tepid sex life and that's no longer something that is seen as being acceptable or necessary.

This is all very personally interesting to me because if I allow my protagonist to go off and satiate her appetites (such as Emma in The Secret Lives of Emma), does she have an incentive to return to her marriage? Naturally, love, commitment, duty, family, a long past together and so on are important factors, but if she is sexually fulfilled in very new ways 'out there' can she return to what she already knows? Logic tells me that she can only return if what she is returning to has also grown; enlarged; transformed. Is it possible for both people in a marriage to grow such as they can complete one another again together? Is there acceptance of the notion that it is just as much about the two individuals as it as about the union of the two individuals? Are husbands ready to accept that?

As I see it, this generation is more savvy and more gun shy about marriage. They still want a lifetime partner, eventually. The desire for a mate seems to be hardwired into us, but they are in no rush and they seem to want to try out a lot of partners. You can say that the boys are in relentless pursuit of the next catch, but lots of girls want to play in this way. They aren't in a rush to settle down either, until they are, and then they want a man to commit to them, because that's the way life works on the whole. We understand the importance of family.

I do wonder and that's all it is, wondering, if men are struggling to keep abreast of the changes in thinking on relationships. If women are less prepared to put up with things, what then? I know that I'm very close to my elastic limit on the limitations I have put on myself - to put everybody else's needs ahead of my own; to be the 'support company' of the cadet unit, to be the reliable one who sends everybody else off fully equipped for a wonderfully fulfilling time. The support company is an essential part of the unit, of course, but where's the fun for them?

I'm smiling as I write this for I just remembered something. I was in my late 20s. My boss was twice my age and I was complaining that I got to stay in the office and mind the shop whilst he got to travel and have fun. "Well you go off with Kevin (the Chairman) to Sydney, then," he said. "Let's see how you  like that!" Of course, he knew I couldn't think of anything worse. The other side of the fence isn't necessarily as green as you might think, was his point.

Another time I said that it was all right for him. He was sitting on his side of the desk! "Well, let's change spots," he said, and he came and took my chair and I took his. He pretended to be me, always good for a bit of acting, was he, while I laughed away sitting in his big chair. Nope! I wasn't meant for that chair at all. He had made his point.

I don't want to manage the money, or make the trades, or wear the pants. That's not what I mean. I just don't always want to have to wait until every other member of the family has all their needs met before I can do what I want to do. I want for my wants to be as important as their wants. When I explore this thought with my husband I can see his mind processing the danger. "She's getting feisty as she ages," I can hear him thinking.

But, when you are surrounded by thoughts that women have rights - and not just to vote but to live a full and satisfying life in every way - it's impossible to not hear the call.  "Move over," we seem to be saying to men collectively. "Make some space!" "Listen to my fantasies, because I have a plentiful store and let's get on with the business of satisfying them!"

In my opinion, this is the tip of the iceberg and there is no going back. A woman has a bountiful libido; a rich and very naughty mental file of fantasies. This is the new message. The woman who wants to have her goals taken seriously has been with us for while. I have just been slow in insisting that mine be taken seriously.  But, the sexually liberated woman has arrived and look out, because she is not going away.

Everyday life

There's so much to love about Elizabeth's Strout's The Burgess Boys. At the heart of the novel is Jim, Bob and Susan Burgess from Maine, all grown up now, either divorced or with a troubled marriage, but still living under the cloud of their father's accidental death when they were very young. Bob did it, by mistake - let the hand brake go, enabling the car they were all in to roll down the hill and run over their father. Or, at least, that is what he thinks. The truth is something they may never know. They were all so young.

I was struck by a simple line in the novel that explains that Bob is 51, tall, and a likeable person. However, he didn't know that. Bob was much more inclined to believe of himself what others told him. Jim, the older brother, had never stopped being the big brother, sarcastic and putting him down. Susan, his twin, disliked him so much that when he comes to help her son she can't even be hospitable. She offers, begrudgingly, to warm up some frozen pizza. (This bowled me over.)

As readers, we come to know the real Bob - a man who has a great deal of generosity of spirit. All their lives they had thought of Jim, the star attorney living in New York City, as the sibling to look up to. But, Strout reminds us in this novel that perception can be an illusion. It's Bob who steps up, once he begins to move out of the shadow of guilt that has plagued him all his life.

I've always been interested in the effects of birth order in families. Most first born children feel some burden of responsibility and those born later can experience the freedom of having another child take on that responsibility, so that they can do something more creative. Or, younger children can feel that they don't measure up to the first born child. We bought a second hand car from a man whilst living in Connecticut and I remember him telling me that his sister had never forgiven him for being born. It can go so many ways. Yet, the facts remain that it's those first relationships in life that stay with us; give us succor at the same time as they manipulate us to thinking about ourselves and our siblings in particular ways.

I do wonder if a very difficult childhood shared with siblings creates some bond that really must be explored at some stage later, in order to make sense of who we are now. Poverty, the loss of a parent, a sibling who has run wild or who was born with a special need can induce feelings that almost can't be expressed, until we are ready, often decades later in life to explore those memories and put them in their proper light.

So much is said in a family without specific words ever being spoken. Parents, can, for example, constantly remark how hard one child works, never mind that the other siblings have been striving with their own goals silently for years. What's the message here? Is there something about the approval of one child's goals over another? Or, one child can be the carer of the parent whilst the other jettisons off to live his own life, rarely seen. And yet, it is the child that stays away that is so often spoken of, or revered. What's the parent really saying? Some things are too hard to say. Some things are said carelessly. But, every word leaves it mark. Of this we can be sure.

In large measure, The Burgess Boys is about every day life. Some things do happen, but in many ways it is about how one moment leads to the next and the next and then something stagnates or changes, the situation transforms into something else. Every moment of life actually has a variety of options. We can choose to be kind or cold. We can choose to talk or to stay silent. We can choose to help or hinder; to be positive or negative. All of these choices tend to be affected by what others say and do as well. So, it's a melting pot really and what happens next is anybody's guess. It can look 'everyday' but the choices are infinite.

I think the really outstanding aspect of the novel is that I began the novel not finding any of the characters all that interesting and likeable and I ended the book grateful that some issues in their lives had been resolved and that all was, fundamentally, well for them. I closed the book after reading the last page pleased for them, happy that they were growing into themselves. I wished them well.

This morning, I heard Strout in an interview and she said that the characters had "gone" for her now but that she believed that they lived on in the readers' world, giving to them what they needed. She said she wrote with that voice in mind; that the characters and scenarios she created were for those readers who needed them at that time in their lives. I believe, and have always believed, that when we are ready for things, truths, they come to us. We make sense of the material. For many people, life has no purpose, but when there is so much to learn, as there is, life always has purpose.

Domestic discipline

Here's  a little confession. I can procrastinate rather badly. Oh, I don't miss deadlines but I can put the issue off. Quite a bit of my writing on this web journal relates to said procrastination. It's the easiest thing in the world to sit here and type away my thoughts. They flow freely and aren't marked (well, once upon a time my posts were either 'Approved' or 'Declined' and my God, did I love that!) so when I have something I should do but don't feel like doing, I tend to come here. Also, I'm sitting in front of the television bored silly by what's on offer.

So, let's consider procrastination and see how this might be handled in a power exchange relationship. In my case, my procrastination is up to me to sort out. I don't ask for help and I don't need help with organizing my day or life. In fact, I'm the one in my relationship most likely to have the best handle on deadlines. I'm the most inclined to not take a task right up to the deadline. My husband is much more comfortable with the adrenaline rush of taking something right up to the deadline. If I consistently missed deadlines, then that would be another matter. But, I don't. So, what if a girl did miss her deadlines; what if she wasn't managing her life well?

I have no issue with a Dominant or Top creating rules that he thinks would aid the submissive (bottom). Structuring things must surely aid some people and there's the benefit of incentive that can be added into the program. I find it quite arousing to think that a person may say that I can't have chocolate (it's on my mind because I just had three little pieces of dark chocolate with my coffee) or that I have to run 5 out of 7 days or some such rule that is monitored.

Certainly, when we are on holiday my husband has an opportunity to monitor what I eat and a little piece of marzipan in dark chocolate is allowed usually but I must ask and not just help myself. It's a fun part of the dynamic because if he wants to use something against me and tells me I must be punished it can happen any time and with complete privacy with no children to worry about. Yay!

Within our day to day lives we've tried having black marks; a little black book if you will. For a time, it was fun and arousing for both of us. However, the bottom line is that he doesn't really want to monitor my every move and I don't really want him to monitor my every move. Spankings are usually welcomed but it's not necessarily our style for him to tell me that I've earned, say 12 swats and then have me get into position. I sit here and ask myself why that is so...

Well, it seems that I  like to be captured. It seems that I function best when I have no prior notice of what is going to happen. My husband has discovered, so he tells me, that the best situations are when he totally surprises me. Thus, I may not be fully awake when I find myself blind folded or bound or told to get over his knee, or be put over a pile of pillows and entered. There's no former planning about this sort of thing, as in he doesn't give me any warning or notice. It just happens and it seems that's what I respond to best.

This reminds me of one of the most delicious memories from this year. I had bought tickets for my youngest son and I to see a movie on a Saturday afternoon and my husband knew this. However, with about an hour before we were scheduled to leave my husband "captured" me in the bedroom. Within seconds he had me bound tightly to the bed. He had laid me across the bed sideways and tied my wrists together and my arms to the other side of the (four poster) bed. My legs were also secured firmly. I can't remember if he had a pretext for this course of action or he simply said that it was time for a hiding but either way I was immediately in the zone. The reason I say this is because I couldn't remember having my hands bound and later when I tried to get away (an instinctive reaction) I realized that I hadn't a hope.

So, he spanked my bottom for a while and then he transferred to an implement; our leather paddle. I couldn't get away which is always a good thing for me and for reasons unknown I was able to absorb a lot more pain than usual. My husband seemed to sense this and the paddling was harder and longer than it had ever been before. With no hint that I had reached my limit he paddled firmly away and his voice was very dominant; lower and more demanding than usual and it was that commanding voice telling me to just take it that seemed to work the magic, I think. I remember that I didn't want to relent; didn't want to give in and beg for him to stop. I wanted to see how much I could take. It was only when I was pulling at the restrains with all my might that he contemplated that I had had enough and secretly, even when he did stop, I questioned privately whether I could have taken more.

Of course, he removed enough rope to have his way with me. He's not a sadist in that he doesn't require to do this for his own needs but when he does do it he is always aroused by it. Then, he ordered me into the shower and to get myself together immediately because it was time for my son and I to leave.

I distinctly remember being agitated about being hurried along. After a sub-space experience I'd rather go slow. However, once the two of us were sitting down in the theatre and the movie began I recall the most extraordinary sense of well-being; this beautiful welling up of feelings of love; this gorgeous sense of sitting on a terribly sore bottom. I have no idea if other people experience this (please do tell me if you do) but I was filled with and overcome by a deep sense of satisfaction with my life and my love expanded not just to my loved ones but to the whole wide world. I was glowing in my appreciation and my rightful place in the world. It was a 'body and mind orgasm' and I was flooded with happiness.

This is really our sort of thing. Discipline is something that we don't really do. Oh,  I'll get the rounds of the kitchen if he doesn't care for my words or tone and I'll be told to leave his study if I come in there and start trying to throw my weight around to get him to do what I want him to do; that sort of thing. But, it doesn't work for him to tell me that I was rude (or naughty or disobedient or whatever) and it's time for my punishment. It did in the short term but it doesn't in the long term. Maybe that's just about us as a couple or maybe it's because we've been married so long it doesn't seem right. I don't really know.

If I watch spanking clips (and okay, I've watched a truck load lately just before bed time) I don't particularly enjoy the DD scenes. I go for the Master who is caning the poor schoolgirl's bare backside. There's nothing wrong with DD or DD spanking clips if that's your kink but it doesn't seem to be mine.

Quite some time ago now, I'd go to my husband or he'd come to me and  he would give me a few swats just before bed. I liked that, but it wasn't sustainable. Maybe things get tired if you do them every day. I think once a week is more doable but we can't be sure if the children are around or not at a particular time of the week and that gets in the way of any firm plan related to that.

Yet, every day now for many days I've woken with someone chasing my tail. My very first thoughts on waking are about being spanked or whipped or caned and I am starting to think that I really could do with much more spanking than I currently get!

Advice

Writing the blog and leaving comments for other blog writers makes for online friends and some of those have become my good friends. Friends support friends in fair times and foul and one of my friends is going through a rough patch right now. Rough patches are not meant to happen this time of year but alas, they do. A couple of times now she has asked me to write a post with my thoughts. We can't chat often but she does read the blog. I have a few readers who write to me, too, sharing their lives with me and I feel privileged that they do this. I always hope that I give them some words back that might help.

Once upon a time, I was in the position of desperately needing advice and I wrote to my on line friend. He gave me some advice and I wish to share that here on the blog in the hope that it will help my dear friend and maybe one or two other readers, too....

In this BDSM space, people come to all sorts of arrangements. Maybe the man wants to spank another girl as well as his wife. Maybe, the guy wants to switch roles occasionally. Maybe, the girl wants to be mentored, or perhaps the man wants to have a three-some. There is not a right or wrong way to love or have a relationship, necessarily.

But, there is a wrong way to go about it and that is to tell lies. If people have needs, the best thing to do is to put them on the table and discuss them like adults. In this way, a conversation can take place, adult to adult, wherein needs and wants are expressed.

At the time, this was advice I needed to hear. I wanted things so much but I wasn't being entirely honest with my husband. It was the dishonesty that appalled him; not my needs and wants at all. My friend has experienced that dishonesty and it is incumbent that her partner sit down calmly and maturely and express his needs to her in an honest way. She deserves that and she is a big enough girl to cope with that, if given the opportunity to understand what the needs are and where she fits in. She only wants to be loved and to love. Deceit doesn't fit it into equation.

Both my mentors have been sticklers for the truth and I have learned never to lie. If I did the crime, I admit it and accept the correction. It is a whole lot better than walking around with the lie, I think. Of course, we are taught in nursery school not to lie and we know what is right and what is wrong. But, it is a not a lesson easy to learn.

In the past week, my behaviour was not good. Confused and alarmed about something, instead of asking questions and clarifying the situation, I did the emotional girl thing and threw a spanner in the works by sending a hurtful and confusing email. I resolved nothing by doing this except to hurt myself and him. Of course, I came to my senses within 24 hours and did a fast 'backtrack', but I regret that I still can't always be relied on to behave as I know I should.

Alas, even when we are all grown up, acting like grown ups is not always easy. But, an honest conversation is the right place to start to plan the future together, and in most cases, that is all it takes to get a relationship back on track.

So, my darling friend, meet up at a little bistro for lunch, talk calmly and honestly about what you want and need. Listen carefully to what he says, as well. You both care about each other and this could be resolved to both your satisfaction. Play nice, good luck and I send you my love. XO

Baby steps

Recently, I watched a show about 'Men'. What do men want?

One man made the comment,

"I love coming home. I love the time we share together just doing things at home."

Another man, whose wife had died said, "I used to love to watch her move to the music. She might be making dinner and I'd see her body begin to move gently to the rhythm. I loved that."

Sometimes, relationships can seem so complicated.

But, if he doesn't really want to come home; if he wonders what disaster or negative emotion will fall on his head tonight, then it is all going to be uphill.

The road to paradise is travelled one step at a time. Try this. Have a shower, wash your hair and put on a pretty dress. Make a nice meal. Smile. Offer him a glass of wine. Listen attentively if he wants to talk about something. Try not to be judgemental. Sit with him on the couch and drink your tea. Give him a little rub on the back.

Be nice. Maybe, he'll be nice back.

There you go. You're one step closer to paradise.

Yes. Yes. I know. Your grandmother did that. It is, indeed, old fashioned advice. But, you see, your grandmother was right.

The Balancing Act

I have published another post over at the 'Transformher' site and I hope that you will wander over there and read it. The post discusses finding the balance in our relationships.

In the post, I make note of two special friends. As a girl who has no kinky friends in her life 'on the ground'(apart from my husband, of course), I feel exceptionally fortunate to have several wonderful kinky friends in the blogosphere.

My husband and I were travelling over the weekend. We came into a little town and I noticed the board in front of the church.

"Get rich quick. Count your blessings."

I've just taken stock of my family, friends, mentor and new friends up in the air, and who would have guessed? I'm rich!

Okay, off you scoot to Deity's place!

Lead the Way

Over at Deity's site, I've put up another post.

There has been a change in my outlook of late, an adjustment of sorts, which has led me to contemplate my relationships. I am very proud of my marriage, and what we've accomplished together as a D/s couple. And, I'm proud of what I've achieved with the help of my mentor, too.

Nothing stays the same, and yet some things don't change. The need for love does not change. Our nature does not change. The potential in us all is always there. Change, if embraced, can lead to better things. So, I look forward to this next stage of the journey with a positive spirit.

Anyway, go visit over there. And, I'll have more to say here soon.