Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Friends in the sky

It is a pleasure to read Selkie's blog and her discussions always having me thinking. Lately, Selkie gave thought to the element of 'fantasy' associated with 'online' relationships. I'm in no position to make any wild, sweeping statements about the success rate of online relationships. I've never had an online romance, and I've never attempted to find a guy that way. I've heard of some remarkable success stories and I've heard of plenty of dismal failures. I guess it is fair to say that, depending on your luck, it could go either way.

What I am in a position to be able to say is that friendships formed 'online' and only online can be outstandingly successful. I may or I may not meet some or all of my friends one day. Whether I do or don't, the friendships forged are very strong, very enjoyable, very worthwhile and very real. It is almost inconceivable that I could have had such conversations with any person face to face as I have had on the Internet.

I'm not a particularly bold or brave person but I've initiated one or two of my online friendships, whilst others have been bold enough to contact me. I've had a 100 per cent strike rate, for even those friends with whom I no longer talk or write were worthwhile associates. Every one of my current friends, male and female, have turned out to be gems. I feel proud to know them all, and to have some connection with them, and hopefully, to enrich their lives as they have enriched mine.

For the past year and a half, I've been corresponding with a gentleman on the other side of the world. I've revealed a lot of my thinking to him and my needs, and he has given of his time to help me with very specific needs; needs that would have gone unmet otherwise. It was not perfect and each of us bear some responsibility for times when our relationship suffered, but given that we never met, we never spoke, or even saw one another's photos until very recently, we did amazingly well. When our relationship altered recently from that of a therapist/patient or dominant/submissive, if you will, to friend/friend (him remaining a dominant and me remaining a submissive) I had no difficulty in saying that the reason I asked for a change in the status of our relationship was because he had succeeded with me.

The role of an online mentor is treacherous. Two people get to know one another rather well. They work more closely together than any therapist/patient could. Few people can afford to see their therapist more than once a week, but our relationship was conducted on an almost everyday basis. We got to the heart of the matter, the very specific issues that needed to be addressed. And, over time, we began to see significant changes. I wrote that his lessons had "seeped into my bones". When I was not looking, I had changed and grown.

Another dear online friend told me that his wisdom had come when he wasn't looking and I believe that. Wisdom or growth in a person is an evolving thing and one day you look up and realize that it has happened. You are old enough or have grown enough for your problem to no longer be your problem.

Endings are tough. Too tough for either of us. And, so we remain friends; keen to update one another on our lives, from time to time. You don't share your life with someone; your most inner thoughts only to walk away. Or, you should not.

Of course, as a submissive woman with such strong desire and need for containment; for a sense of safety and security, love and serenity, there are still various paths to walk and I do that now with a mind for the specifics of that outcome. My new peace of mind and sense of happiness comes from putting into place those specific ideas to which I am being introduced.

Meanwhile, my husband notices the difference in me and is happy to see the growth and fulfilment of his girl. He is the recipient of my high marks. There is no better man to be found for me than he, I can assure you.

I'm not at all sure that I can tell you whether I am lucky with my online friendships or if I have some 'knack' for it that I should analyze and share. I think I can say on my own behalf that I was prepared to be bold and brave, to be honest and open, and to trust. It may have been dumb luck or it may be that I stumbled on men and women with great integrity and we sussed one another out well. Words can be remarkably powerful.

It is incumbent on me to caution that there are many snakes on the Internet. One must be very careful. But, there are also sparkling gems of people. Each of my Internet friends is, for me, a bright, shining star. I will be forever thankful for having had the great pleasure of knowing them.

10 comments:

  1. Vesta, I agree completely about some online friends. I have a few who are very very near and dear to my heart and yes, I feel have great value in my life.

    I do find myself fascinated by your success with a mentor. I've been blogging on and off for probably 6 years now (my current blog is blog no. 3? 4? - long story there in itself)- and almost without exception (yours being the exception) "mentors" usually end up as predators.

    It's actually refreshing to read about someone genuine!

    I would actually be intrigued to ask further questions - but not sure if they are intrusive or not. For instance, is your husband comfortable with your having an online mentor? Has he talked to him? If these are intrusive and rude, please ignore and forgive, not meant to be!

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  2. selkie: I don't mind answering your questions at all, though I admit, this post was my way of saying 'thank you' to my mentor. It was meant as a surprise when he next checked in, but I am happy to explain.

    My husband was most comfortable with it, in the sense that my mentor wrote to him and asked his permission to work with me. To my surprise, my husband gave his consent immediately, believing it to be to my benefit. You probably need to know that my husband and I have been together since we met at university and we are still deeply in love. My mentor was nothing if not organised, committed and responsible and he wrote to my husband every week with a report as to how things were going. In fact, both my husband and I consider him a friend. Perhaps, and I have no clue, our arrangement is unique, but my mentor is/was a most intelligent and learned man who took his responsibilities towards me very seriously. His efforts to show me where my thinking was going wrong were exemplary, and on really rough days, he dropped everything, got onto 'chat' and talked me through my anger until I had reconciled it in my mind.

    We both made mistakes along the way, but that doesn't discount the very fine work that was done, and for which I will be forever grateful.

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  3. Vesta, thank you for answering that! As I said, I am actually really happy to read about what I feel is a working, REAL mentor.

    Now of course, I have MORE questions.

    Did you and your husband discover an interest in the D/s lifestyle together... or was it something one of you suddenly found yourselves thinking about?

    And how did you find this mentor? Truth be told, at one point or another I've checked out various sites and been invariably repulsed LOL

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  4. selkie: So this is how a celebrity feels being interviewed! LOL

    After many years of marriage and holding onto my secret, I finally revealed to my husband that I wanted to be spanked. He was happy to oblige. Over time, we came to see that I actually had a very submissive nature and thus together we explored D/s. Having said that, it is my obsession. Some people collect stamps and I research and explore D/s issues. He has been very happy to share my interests and, in fact, he says I've turned him into a bit of sadist. But, that's another story for another day. LOL He's always had a dominant nature, since the time he was about twelve, I would say.

    Some time ago now, I volunteered for a research group online who were researching D/s matters. That fell through but the leader of the group and I began writing stories in collaboration. Then, that fell through and I missed having a writing partner. I saw my mentors' comments on the web and each time they seemed so reasonable and responsible and he even agreed with my comments at times. Eventually, I contacted him and asked if he could answer some questions re dominants for my stories. He was happy to oblige and after a number of emails back and forth, he asked if I would like to be mentored, and for the email of my husband to discuss it with him. The rest is history.

    This may sound a most unique story but in fact I know of two other outstanding mentors out there. Now, I'm sorry but if your next question is "What are their names?" my answer is "No comment." I may be cheeky but I hate hot water.

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  5. grins, not asking LOL- although I DO have more questions LOL- such as, when you say writings... do you mean stories? If so, do you have a story blog? Curious minds want to know (and I feel the inner journalist, long suppressed screaming to escape LOL_ tell me to shut up when I get too nosey).

    That and I think it really cool that you and your husband discovered yoru kink worked for both of you - that is wonderful.

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  6. Good heavens! Here I was about to say that I've really enjoyed the friends I've made through these blogs and, look!
    Here's a friendship being made even as we read!
    Have at it, women!

    I agree, tho', (with both of you) that an online d/s could be a slippery slope. SP is urging me to look that way, (just to avoid an "eggs all in one basket" syndrome) but I'm not sure I want to and *know* I don't know where to start. Your experience tho', Vesta, gives me heart...

    Jz

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  7. selkie: I've been writing stories for some years and I have quite a few in the files now. I'd love to put them out there in some way, but I'm not sure quite how to do that. I have thought about adding a link on the blog for people to read some stories. I'm a bit of a technology dinosaur, but, yes, I do want people to read them.

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  8. Jz: You must follow your gut. It is the best advice I have. If it doesn't feel right, then it is not right, and let that one go.

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  9. Vesta, you could always start a blog JUST for your stories. My Bound blog is for my stories (although I never seem to get time to write, sighs).

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  10. selkie: That's a good thought and I will think about it seriously. Thank you.

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