Neurodiversity has been on my mind. I have at least one neurodiverse grandchild and of course that shouldn't be a surprise given my husband's neurodiversity.
I know this isn't really a useful thought, but I will type it anyway. Neurodiversity isn't a fair thing. Naturally, we look after and attend to the needs of the neurodiverse people of the world now, and that's as it should be. However, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the neurotypical people with whom they live, work and play.
I could give you all sorts of examples where my husband attended to his needs as a neurodiverse person (coming to bed early in the morning, purchasing and hoarding a vast quantity of hardware items, emoting when he felt like it, making a mess, making no note of time). As a neurotypical person, I researched about his brain and I made allowances. But, at what point did he make allowances for my brain and the needs of my brain?
I dated a man for a while who was almost certainly neurodiverse. He was the vacant professor type and dates meant little to him. He would say we were going to a concert one Saturday and it would be the other. He even brought me a diary so that that task could be mine and he could get out of thinking about time entirely.
I made it clear that my needs were about touch, but his needs were to hold hands, and only that, so guess what we did?
On the other hand, one son of mine who has ADHD is aware of his wife's needs and makes sure that he attends to them. She gets frazzled when she comes home from work and there is so much to do, so he often puts on a load or two of laundry or prepares the ingredients for a meal before she gets home.
He could have easily said or acted in a way that suggested that it was all too much for his ADHD mind to cope with and maybe he would have been believed, but that's not his way, and he has learned to manage the workload and to do the things that don't come naturally to him to do.
My point here is that we all find ourselves in situations where we are asked to do things that don't come naturally to us, but if we care enough about the people in our lives with their different set of skills and needs to us, we can learn to accommodate them.
If we don't learn to do that, what does it say about us? Might we say that the person is being selfish or self-absorbed, or self-interested? Might we not have some expectation that they learn to do things a little differently for the peaceful harmony of a household, or a marriage?
Neurodiverse people can have specific challenges around environment. They may need to be in a quiet space without excessive stimulation. In the same way, a neurotypical child may have anxiety around test taking and in the same way, accommodations can be requested. We want the best outcomes for all children and adults, of course.
I think highly empathic people can be taken advantage of if they are not careful. Naturally enough someone with special needs or desires will gravitate towards an empathic person because they are likely to give them the benefit of the doubt where others may not.
What I am trying to say if I haven't made myself clear is that everybody has their own set of specific needs and one person's needs are not necessarily more important than another person's set of needs. One person may feel the need to fill up their garage to the rafters, one possession piling onto an array of other possessions until you can't find anything.
But is that need more important than the opposite need for some order within the house and garage such that items can be identified and located?
When I was bringing up my children, I did everything I knew how to provide for their individual needs and that meant seeing a paediatrician and obtaining a diagnosis and so on. However, I never suggested to them that this let them off the hook from behaving as all people should do - with consideration for the other family members and the citizens of the world as a whole.
Sure, it has been arduous to explain at times what the process is for worn items and where shoes belong, but I did not give the impression that their diagnosis meant that they couldn't and shouldn't participate in life just as their peers and siblings did.
As an empathic person I probably allowed far too much leeway for aberrant behaviour within the marriage. Strike that. I did allow too much leeway for aberrant behavour in the marriage.
When it came to dating, there was no way I could continue with that degree of empathy such that my needs were swept aside. I would rather be alone than that; much rather. Am I less empathic now or am I more aware of my own needs? I think I want a fair playing field. Just that.
