Brand new world

All the way back to university days, I have had male friends. Even when my husband and I started to go out together and develop a strong connection, there were male friends that I hung out with. He never seemed to mind. They were certainly no threat from a romantic perspective and perhaps he understood that they enriched me. I don't really know, actually. We never talked about it.

My first male friend at university was a boy whose name I can't remember. Let's call him John. I met John either at a lecture or a tutorial or some place like that. He seemed a dreamy sort of boy; a boy operating in some other universe than me. His parents were "away" a lot overseas and he seemed to have little support in his life - and I mean that in every sense of the word. He looked too skinny and too pale for my liking and so I took it upon myself to feed him. After a lecture, I'd gather him up and take him back to my room and feed him.

He must have been bright. He got outstanding marks for his English essays, better than me, and I figured that it was that parallel universe that he lived in that made his ideas in those essays so compelling. Who knows. My husband, a very down to earth sort of boy even then explained to me one day that John was clearly on drugs. This was a great shock to my pure soul. Was he sure about that, I wanted to know? Quite certain, he said.

I continued to keep an eye on John, feeding him and talking to him, and getting a little closer to that parallel universe of his until one day he just disappeared from the university never to be seen again. I had some understanding of his need to dispense with such a rigid system as a degree at an esteemed university. My cousin had also abandoned his university degree to write and went on to become one of the country's best known writers, as he puts it, "in spite" of his university training, so I rather hoped that John might do the same. Whether he did or was shot down in the flames of excessive drug taking I will never know.

I had two conservative male friends at college too and I hung out with them a lot. One of them has gone on to be a judge and I always knew he would make it to the top. He had a side kick, Michael; a small boy with a delicious sense of the ridiculous. We often ganged up against the judge in the library and he would tell us off in a sweet kind of way. Michal gave me a key to his room. He had a lovely big room, much better than my claustrophobic little first year room and when he was off at lectures or away for the weekend, I listened to music in there.

Not a single romantic or sexual thing occurred. But, Michael loved my femininity. I remember once I couldn't get my little car to start and he adored that I could be so dumb. He just loved how girls could be so ridiculous and I liked that he liked that about me, too.

There are a lot of other boys from those days. I had a friend from my home town and we often drove one another home and back. He talked of his girlfriend and we were just chums.

There was an Asian boy who hung out with me, and several of the agriculture boys came to visit me; one in particular. I would send him off on his motorbike to collect Italian cakes and I had the tea ready when he got back.

One boy was the brother of my previous boyfriend. Again, it was never romantic or sexual, but the bond here was closest of all. His parents had divorced and it left him needing sustenance; sustenance that he couldn't derive from his girlfriend alone and he would come and collect me late at night and take me driving, eventually stopping some god-forsaken place to tell me his troubles and hug me tight.

One of my dearest male friends was Mitch. I met him at work when we moved to the US. He was most definitely gay and he opened my eyes to a brand new world that I knew nothing about.

It was the days when people knew little about AIDS and we might be walking along the street together when he would nod to some chap, excuse himself and go and talk to him for a few minutes. The first time, I asked him if he knew him but he told me they had just met, been attracted to one another and were arranging a rendezvous. It blew my head away but I never judged him or tried to stop him. I knew I had no sway over him. I was his friend, his confidant and not there to pass judgement or offer advice.

It was Mitch who told me that I would make a wonderful mother and he continued to write to me upon my return home until one day the letters stopped. Of course, I want to believe that he is still alive, but in my heart I know that he is not.

As a married woman with growing children, the opportunity to have male friends began to dry up for me. I was close to the husband of a girlfriend until my confidence in him was shook. It became clear that he was open to a little hanky panky on the side, and that was not of interest to me. With one of my dearest friend's husband?

To this end, the Internet has proven to be a huge gift in my life. I have had conversations with a number of dominant men and I have a very small handful of superb friendships, men and women alike. When something is ailing me I know who I can turn to; who will listen, guide and comfort. And, words can't convey what that means to me. It is a gift of the highest order; a great blessing in my life.

There is one person in particular that I know that I can rely on. I'm told that he feels the same way. He tells me that he can say anything at all to me; that he says to me what he can't say to anyone else and that was music to my ears. We remain who we are: he the dominant and me the submissive but we speak the truth, we don't play games and we support one another through the good times and the bad times.

The simple fact for me is that as much as I love my husband, and I do love him so very dearly, I thrive on making close connections; with forging friendships that go straight to the soul and the heart and the inner mind. My curiosity for life demands that I speak with people who are different to me even more than to those who are the same.

When I look back on my life I can see very clearly that it has been a pattern for me to stick with situations and relationships that I didn't understand in the hope that one day it would become clear - to give people the benefit of the doubt, time and time again. I don't like to write anybody off. I don't ever want to give up on a friendship, on the opportunity to understand another person's mind. I twist and turn my mind to accommodate them; to see life through their eyes and to try to find my place in their life.

To this end, the power exchange relationship and this web journal is an exploration into not just my mind but the mind of others. I don't reject other ways of looking at life. I embrace other ways of looking at life; at looking at life through another pair of eyes. It is not for the faint hearted and there are moments when I wonder if I am doing the right thing. In any case, my heart is open and my mind is open and I consider that a good thing.

"Don't ever become twisted and bitter," was the advice I was given one day by a trusted friend, a long time ago now. "Stay just as you are."

That is exactly what I intend to do.