The Real Thing

This morning found me in a hospital having a small procedure. It's nothing in the scheme of things and the surgeon assured me that the chances of the report coming back with anything sinister was remote. I'm an optimist by nature, and I believe him.

However, as I made my way through the maze of corridors, I took a wrong turn and found myself heading towards the 'Day Oncology Centre'. I stopped in my tracks and went back from whence I had come, looking up into the eyes of a woman who was, most clearly, on her way into the day oncology centre. My mind immediately wondered if she had the support of someone who loves her to the depths of her soul because in that situation, that is what she needs most.

It rattled me. There but for the grace of God go I. Don't misunderstand me. I have faith in the treatments available these days and if I were given a diagnosis of cancer, I'd deal with it in a positive way. My point is that on any given day our worlds can change on a dime. And, that had me thinking about so many of us who wish to live this lifestyle and find themselves considering a choice between a vanilla style life or a D/s or BDSM sort of life.

Here's the bottom line. We all need to feel love and, hopefully, give love. We all need to feel connected with those special few people in our lives. We need to build relationships and for most of us that includes a commitment with a significant other person. We need the security of knowing that our partner is there for us; that if we get sick or life throws us a curve ball, he or she will walk the walk with us.

Frankly, I fail to see how it is possible to put the kink before the relationship. Surely, we have to build a relationship first: one based on mutual attraction, affection, love, some similar interests and beliefs, including a strong interest in sharing a lifestyle that fulfils mutual needs. Yes, the desire to express our needs can seem overwhelming. I do know this. But, it is not enough on its own.

First of all, we need to build a loving, caring and enjoyable relationship with someone else who suits our natures. We need to express our vulnerabilities and our true selves and know with some conviction that we are loved for who we are. We need to have faith that he or she will see us through the tough times which we will all have. We need to feel love and return that love. With only the kicks of BDSM, it won't be enough. I really want to encourage any girl reading to think about that before she offers herself to some 'Master' because she believes herself to be a 'slave'. Does he love you? Will he honour you and defend you and comfort you in your hour of need?

My husband has the conviction, the commitment and the passion of a Scottish warrior. He will never leave me. I know many of you will say that is just a foolish and ignorant thing to say because I can't predict the future. Trust me on this. He will never leave me and I will never leave him. It is the way it is.

And, a final word about my mentor. He was my friend long before he was my mentor. He is a great mentor because at the core is a solid friendship. This allows me to have complete faith in him and for the care to be mutual. Just below the surface of our roles are two people who care about one another and like one another. It is why it works so effortlessly.

At the end of the day, when we reach a point in life where we begin to look back to where we have gone, it is the connections with others that we will hold the most dear. When one feels this deeply about others, flaws and tough times are merely part of the tapestry of life.

P.S. After posting the above, I received a lovely comment from a regular reader who is a patient of an oncology unit. She requested that I not publish the comment. After reading that comment I would like to make another point. When someone is unwell this can, of course, happen at any time of their lives. Their relationship may be new, not fully formed yet, there may be no relationship at all or the relationship may not survive the challenge of illness. David at 'A View from the Top' wrote a wonderful piece about 'companioning' and this very much applies to people in such circumstances. We need someone to walk that walk with us and it need not be a lifetime companion. In fact, I know of a young girl, only 22, who companioned her boyfriend all the way through his illness like a pro. There most certainly is a grey area and we find our strength and love in unusual places sometimes.

To the girl who sent me the comment, I'm delighted you are still reading regularly. Your personal strength and strong character is evident and I wish you well on your road to recovery. My very best wishes and please keep in touch.