IFS and exiled parts

 I came across Dr Richard Schwartz of Internal Family Systems fame, on a post on Instagram yesterday. He was talking to Dr Andrew Huberman explaining a part of IFS. It was a short clip explaining that there might be a part of us from our childhood that is exiled, feeling that it didn't get what it needed. So, that part is on the lookout for someone that can give it that feeling. But it's not until we understand that we can give it to ourselves that we can heal that part.

I think this is what happens when someone is 'love bombed'. It might not be ill intended, or it might be a lot of interest in someone in the early stages of getting to know another, but if, say, the person has a wounded part that felt that he or she didn't get the attention from their parents that was wanted or needed, that attention from this new person is like the biggest box of delectable chocolates. You want more because that feeling of attention is just so delicious.

People that give someone a lot of attention in the early stages of knowing one another might simply be 'into' the person and the relationship grows from there. Or they might have a condition where they find a new person fascinating at first, it sort of fires up their brain, but the novelty wears off. 

This leaves the person who had enjoyed the attention confused. Where did the interest in them and the lovely attention suddenly go? They know that person they met had lovely ways, but now they don't. Maybe, if they are interesting enough, or helpful enough or attractive enough or funny enough, they can get that person to be the way they used to be and give that lovely attention to them again.

This is a slippery slope into a game that can't be won, eroding self-esteem and putting the person in a far worse situation than before they got that little slice of attention in the first place.

The only way to look at this scenario that I can see is to recognise it if one does have an exiled part (and most of us do) and to investigate it - where it came from and how it has caused difficulty over time.

I think it is important not to put too much effort into why someone might lovebomb someone and then stop doing that - it could well be a neurological condition they can't control or some trauma of their own - and to investigate the feeling inside oneself.

It took me years to realize that I was susceptible to this sort of conduct - it's like receiving a big juicy steak when your body is desperate for protein - but the more you understand that this sort of thing happens to those who let it happen, the more you can let it go and find nourishment within your own self.

In the case of attention, my particular kryptonite, I have found that I can create a life where I am happy enough to give and receive attention from all sorts of sources. It's a lovely strong sense of self that can evolve as you boldly walk away from anyone that could have been a source of distress for you; as you recognize their tendencies and your vulnerabilities. Some associations are just not a good idea.

I don't want to paint a picture that work in the IFS realm happens overnight. You do need to work at it to identify parts of yourself that have been left behind. It's not easy to say, for example, my parents weren't around much, and I got the sense that maybe I wasn't interesting enough or worthy enough for their attention. So, I went through my life craving what I didn't have from people who weren't necessarily able to give me that attention, perhaps were really bad picks for that job. 

But I can give it to myself. There's nothing actually wrong with me and I can go out and create some lovely relationships - small or large - where the friendships and family connections are nourishing. If someone comes along and the relationship actually hurts, I can let that go. My exiled part won't cling onto it because I have incorporated it into my whole Self. I can see and accept the situation for what it is.

On this topic, although he is not an IFS trained person, I highly recommend you look out Peter Crone who, time after time, points out this dynamic within a person and sets them free to see that, lo and behold, they are indeed 'good enough', 'worthy enough' and 'lovable enough'. Who knew?