I have respect for the posts I read over at Cross Purposes. I often agree with points made there and even when I do not, I always learn from the posts written by Mr. Cross. The issue of ‘honesty’ in a D/s relationship is an important matter and without honesty the chances of the relationship flourishing are not good. Without a dominant understanding what is on the mind of his submissive, he is not in a position to be able to help her is, I believe, how the dominant man generally feels.
In his most recent post relating to honesty, Mr. Cross said the following:
OTOH - it has been my personal experience that in long-lived D/s relationships there comes a time when the Dominant must trust the Submissive to tell him what he needs to know, which is not always everything. For example, a Submissive might be angry or sad over a decision her Dominant has made, but she also knows that telling him will not change his mind, and may only start a conflict between them. Therefore she says nothing and tries to do her best. He will of course notice the changes in her, but because he trusts her he will not probe deeper. She will speak to him if she must.
When I read that paragraph, I felt truly understood. Over a long marriage, I have come to understand that there are things that will not change; decisions that are made which will make me sad or angry. If I enunciate how I feel, try to express what is disturbing me, the chances are very high that I do so at a very high cost. If I express my concerns or my upset about certain issues, I am likely to have to listen, all over again, to a line of argument with which I do not agree. It is likely to be expressed with a certain level of pique that it has to be gone into again, and at the end of the discussion, I am likely to feel very much worse than if I had kept my own counsel. There is a strong argument, I believe, for the submissive woman coming to know when it would be best to self-soothe; when it would be best to stay quiet and calm and accept her situation.
So, how might I deal with my upset over such a situation? Well, you might find me mumbling to myself; in the shower or as I sweep around the house collecting laundry. I express my anger but I do so quietly, to myself. I might go for a walk because the opportunity to move my body fast allows me to run the thoughts through my head, feel angry, and then ultimately, the further I walk, calm down.
Eventually, I come to see that my life is good; not perfect but good. I have a great deal to be thankful for and I am married to a good man who loves me dearly, as I love him. He always has and always will, occasionally make me angry, because he is profoundly opinionated and profoundly incapable of doing things any way but his own.
As I work my way through my upset, alone, I come to see that I am trying to alter what cannot be altered and I begin to relax and accept. The process occurred alone. Not a word was spoken between us. Was I dishonest? According to some people, I was. Yet, it works. And, it works better than the full blown honesty that some might expect of the submissive ever could.
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When conflict arises, I usually remain quiet. I ride out the emotions until the problem is crystal clear before I appeal my side of it. Most argue that this is dishonest, but I think trust plays a stronger role.
ReplyDeleteI agree that a dominant needs to know an adequate amount of information to safely dominate their submissive. However, I still believe that that dominant needs to trust their sub to share what is important. Coping, solving, and soothing problems are important. Not everything needs to be done as a team, though. A lot of growth is internal and should remain that way.
My two cents. :)
Lauren
I really do not thing choosing to not speak is dishonest, if it is indeed an issue that doesn't require resolution between you. Yes, it's you trusting your judgements, and your husband trusting that as well. Knowing when to be quiet is a gift and I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteLauren: It sounds to me, if I have this right, that you like to think things through first, and to wait for a time when the drama of the moment has passed. Does that work for the two of you? Conflict resolution between dom and sub is an area of the lifestyle that needs a lot more discussion, I think.
ReplyDeleteSara: Me, too! I continue to work on when to be quiet. You hit on the key words; "...if it is indeed an issue that doesn't require resolution between you." The truth is that I keep quiet sometimes even when it is an issue that does require resolution. I think I do that because there is, most likely, no resolution of the problem. My husband does things in a way that suits him best, and that can be very hard on me. But, I honestly don't think he can change, and thus it works for me to accept that rather than to seek what cannot be resolved.
Basically, yes. I'm not a rational thinker when I am upset or feeling emotional. Even after everything has cooled down, I still don't believe that it is necessary to inform the dom(me) of absolutely every little detail. I'm not talking about lying by omission; that's an entire issue all on its own. I'm more so talking about the details that will not change the end result, only the means to the end.
ReplyDeleteOf course it all depends on the type of person, but I believe most of my growth and resolve happens internally. I don't enjoy being entirely transparent and that's been a struggle in all of my D/s relationships. That balance is tough to find.
Thought provoking. Thanks for another nice post.
ReplyDeleteMaryann
I read Sara's post that referenced this one and thought she was onto something. Now, I'm sure she took the topic in another direction. I don't think I've read here before, so I'll have to look around.
ReplyDeleteI don't think keeping your own counsel like you do is dishonest, but it doesn't work for me. We've only just started to explore dominance and submission after years of happy marriage, so maybe it's different, but I think it's more a personality thing. The times when I try to work through things on my own, even when there is nothing to be changed or resolved, end badly. It puts distance between us. I try not to let my issue do that, but the emotional separation between us worsens until he does ask me and I let it all out in tears. That doesn't necessarily change anything, but sharing how I feel is enough to make it all right because I've been heard and understood.
Little things that don't become emotional may not need sharing, but I try to share anything that might be headed in that direction while it's still a little thing. The trick is to share my thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental and respectful way. For me, that works so much better.
Dear K
ReplyDeleteI certainly think that is a legitimate position to take.
Over a rather long period of time, it seemed to me that if I was to tell my husband, each and every time, of my distress or upset, even when my husband could do nothing about it, or when we disagreed without opportunity for resolution, I was hurting myself, hurting him and causing damage to our relationship. At that point, I sought out ways to deal with the situation on my own. I don't expect that strategy to work for everyone but it certainly has helped me.
Best wishes.