Agreement

 The man I listen to from NYC, Om, made the simplest and yet the most important of points in one of his podcasts. If interested, you can find him on 'Om Rupani Podcast' and I listen on Spotify. 

He explained that couples who have been married for a considerable time will come to him because the marriage isn't currently in great shape, and they would like to try relating to one another with polarity; that is recognizing their differences. (D/s)

The problem Om sees often is that they want to try polarity, but they haven't been in agreement with one another for years, and it's the agreement component that first needs to be sorted.

I agree. If there is not agreement on important matters, it's going to be very hard to build a stable and fulfilling polarity (or D/s dynamic) on that weak structure.

In my marriage, disagreement began to surface many years ago. We had been in wonderful agreement about so very much, until differences in our investment style began to bite.

I had been reasonably comfortable with him assuming full responsibility for the finances, although I was always a more conservative investor than him, until the percentages of what was put into high risk made me exceptionally fearful.

I cannot speak for him, but I know my fears did not play into his decision making. He called the shots as he saw them, and I felt that my shared thoughts were being cast aside. I know this because he would say to me that I didn't understand the world of investment, share trading and so on. 

It caused a lot of friction because although money is only a means to an end, as he likes to say, money does dictate choices as well as a sense of safety. It can't save you from lots of things, but without high risk at one's heels, it's far more possible to relax and let go, knowing you don't have to worry about some financial disaster befalling you.

It's my sense of safety that I value. I think I got that from my mother and father who, admittedly, were cash-oriented people, because my brother is like me. We take care of our mother's portfolio and when interest rates went up last year, I suggested we avail ourselves of the new environment and put the cash into terms of deposit. We were both excited to think that whilst we slept, money was being made. It's just our conservative minds. As my brother likes to say he will never be mega rich, but nor will he be a pauper.

So, that's where my husband and I are not in sync. He's far more comfortable with risk.

I read somewhere that there are one or two matters over which most couples will always be in disagreement. I think this is our disagreement, our only disagreement. It's a big one though because when things don't go his way, it can affect us for years, lead to other difficulties; have long lasting repercussions.

Yet, this is the way it is and maybe the way it was always going to be. People who reflect on the state of the world sometimes make the point that from an evolutionary perspective where we are is where we were always going to be, and maybe that's the way it is in my marriage too. It was always going to be thus.

What to do about it? So, over time I created some boundaries. These days, I need to know what I am signing. 

I adjust the story too so that my sense of safety is not so compromised. Sure, the cash isn't there, but the assets are. It's all fine really. If push comes to shove, there's a way to correct the situation. As my risk analysis son says to me, 'You have choices, Mum, most people don't have choices.' Very true. 

So, I retell myself the story, accept what must be done in the short term; have faith; allow my nervous system to settle.

I wouldn't exactly say that I have come to agreement over this matter, but nor am I in disagreement. I am on board, moving as one.

And so, the D/s has a firm foundation on which to rest. Our style and sense of what it means to be financially stable is very different, but it doesn't mean we aren't okay. 

To put it another way, how much pain do you want to feel before you just let it go and relax?

Enmeshment

A few years ago now we were having dinner. The children were with us. The conversation moved over varying topics as it is inclined to do. At the time we had a female Prime Minister, Julia Gillard. She was the sort of leader that prompted a strong reaction. Either you loved her or you hated her. But, what struck both my eldest son and myself as significant about this particular day in Parliament was that various men in the Parliament had been very rude to her. No matter what your politics, we both agreed, you should never speak to someone who is a leader of the country in that rude way.

If you asked my husband today if he agreed with that statement he'd almost certainly say he does. Yet, his disdain for her and her politics influenced his thinking during that conversation and he was adamant that we had muddled thinking about this. More to the point, he felt that it was somehow my responsibility and duty to agree with him. It became so heated that my son and I moved to the kitchen and began washing the dishes, giving up the argument altogether, but my husband wanted to keep the thing going. 'Dad you're talking to yourself. The conversation is over,' he said. And in a whisper I said to my son, 'Never, ever are we to talk politics at the table again.' He nodded his agreement.

I suppose all this time I have had that silly situation tucked behind my ear, because another situation like that came up recently and I felt a sense of deja vu. Over dinner at a restaurant I acknowledged every thing that my husband was saying about a health issue, with one proviso. For me there is always one proviso when talking about health because I believe the state of the mind can never be discounted from any conversation about health.

In these situations I aim for complete calm over my responses but in the end I said, 'No matter how long I am married to you I will always be me, an individual with my own thoughts. You're not entitled to insist that I agree with you', or words to that effect.

It prompted memories; memories decades old when I would say 'I'm Vesta (my real full maiden name is what I said) and I'll always be Vesta and there is nothing you can do about it. I am an individual.'

I have explored this line of thought, naturally, and there is a word for it, enmeshment. Some people can feel that it is critical for their well being that their life partner more or less becomes them. What is dangerous about this is that, bit by bit, the spouse begins to let go of, and even forget, his or her own needs, wants, thoughts, hopes and dreams. The spouse have become enmeshed with the other person in totality. Disagreement can be seen as proof that the two people are not feeling and thinking as one which can mean that disagreement equates to not being loved; very flawed thinking.

The answer lies in setting boundaries; something I'm learning about and reading about right now, so I don't have all the answers as yet. What I can say is that it feels good to realize this interpersonal transaction for what it is. There is a personal power in understanding why things happen as they do. We haven't had one of those challenging sorts of conversations since the restaurant dilemma. That night I asked him to stop badgering me and if he didn't I would leave. He continued to badger and I left and walked home. I think he got the point.

It is almost inconceivable that it won't happen again, but at the same time recognizing that it causes him great emotional pain for me not to agree with him on a topic that is important to him, I'll probably be inclined to keep my full opinion to myself. This is a shame, since we've been conversing non stop for over 40 years.

My goal would be to, on occasion, respectfully agree to disagree and make clear that this is not an interruption or annihilation of the love between us. I'm not at all sure, from the reading I have done, that strong feelings of spousal responsibility to agree with the other, can be easily turned around if one person feels strongly that their point of view is the truth. It's one element of interpersonal relations that came up repeatedly in the MA; that great discord in history has occurred with a rigid ownership of truth. Acknowledging that the world is more grey and less black and white is a good thing if we want to move closer to a more harmonious world where opinions can be shared and evaluated openly.

To Top or to Dominate?

I'm firmly convinced that our behaviors are largely driven by forces outside of our control. Things happen, or don't happen, early in life. Sub-consciously we process these words and events in such a way that we are driven to want certain outcomes.

Sometime later, along comes a girl or a boy, we fall in love, and they become a character in a play that has already been written. Modifications can be made to the script to allow for this extra character, even a main character such as this partner comes to be, but the essence of the script doesn't change. It's written, you see. The main ideas are there and they are the thrust of the play.

Complications ensue when this boy or girl has ideas of his or her own, as they invariably do. This boy or girl is also driven by forces that are ordained according to events that occurred before they met.

Major issues will ensue only if there are serious obstacles put in the path of the other in achieving their prescribed outcomes, that interfere with the integral and motivating ideas of the other character's script for their life. The drama in their lives will be profoundly magnified if one or the other interferes with the overall plan. Regardless of the depth of love felt, previous early experiences demand that they must have their way. Feelings of love often come second to this inner drive almost completely outside of their control.

There is plenty of relationship advice out there based on good research that tells us that it is important to communicate one's needs to the other. But, what if 'the other' doesn't hear, not because you weren't clear but because it interferes with their version of the way the play should unfold? What if the scripts can't be blended or amalgamated satisfactorily? What if key elements of your story must be left out to satisfy the other's version of how it must be?

I've long contemplated the difference of the words 'Top' and 'Dominant'. Whilst there is no dictionary type definition for either word, this early morning I thought of these words as perhaps the best way I could describe the thoughts in my head right now. Here goes.

In every relationship, in some way or in some context, there is one who leads or is stronger than the other. I'm not talking consensual power exchange here specifically. I'm talking life. One person tends to be more capable in/desiring of/inclined to/demanding leadership. Either the other person agrees to this dynamic or else there is some level of negotiation and/or conflict.

Some people have submissive personalities. They are less needing of the driver's seat and either allow, agree to or want the other to be the dominant partner. This doesn't mean that they don't have the same impulses as everybody else; that they are not working towards certain outcomes. It does mean that they are more likely than most to give up on those outcomes or give into the other's drive for certain outcomes. Not without some sadness, they strive to let go of their own ordained outcomes and to see the world through the eyes of the other, the Dominant.

Whilst this is a wild generalization, in my mind at this moment it is the "Dominant" that will allow this and the "Top" that wouldn't hear of it. I say this because the word "Top" implies to me that he/she is working towards achieving the other's prescribed outcomes as much as or even more than his or her own outcomes.

It sometimes seems to me that the dominant (man) is saying to the other, "Come with me. I know the way. Here's what to do. Just follow along after me because I know what's best for you." Whereas the Top is more likely to say, "I'm listening to you carefully. I'm intensely interested in hearing who you really are. I want you to achieve your goals and I'm here to ensure you do reach those goals. It might be pretty tough at times but I have your best interests at heart, sweetheart, so just be a good girl and do as you're told."

I know, in a way, that's not a fair depiction but what I am trying to say is that dominant people often assume far too much. They assume they know it all and that their way is best, but are they really meaning this -  that their script is so ultra important to them that your script has to be shelved?

To this end, equality within the relationship is vital to a power exchange dynamic. We both come to the relationship with scripts that are terribly important to us, for whatever reasons, and it isn't going to be fair for one script to be virtually unchanged whilst the other script has red ink throughout it. Unless a dominant person is generous of spirit with the other's life script, he's not really 'topping' at all but rather demanding that his way is right.

Rough winds

This time last year I reported that my husband took me sailing for the very first time in his little sail boat, designed really for one just person. We had perfect conditions that day for introducing me to the experience of sailing a small boat. I adored the experience and naturally enough, looked forward to a repeat experience this year.

Several times this summer I have looked out at the lake and said, "What a lovely morning to sail!" Then he'd say, "Let's wait for some wind." We repeated this exchange several times until one late afternoon recently he said to me, "Would you like to go for a sail?" "Sure," I replied. Yet, as the minutes wore on as we got ourselves together the rather wild wind was starting to worry me. My dawdling got to him. "Look, do you want to go sailing or not?" "Well, do we have to go on such a windy day?" He was clearly agitated with me that I wasn't the fearless sailing companion that he had in mind and I felt a bit of a flop.

The next time he suggested we go sailing, I expressed no hesitation whatsoever. Off we went down to the lake and whilst he put the sail up, I watched it go crazy in the wild wind. The wind was causing a whistle in the air and frankly, I didn't think it at all a great idea. However, I wasn't going to hear the same speech about what a wuss I was, and off we went. From the moment we left the shore it was clear that the peace and serenity I experienced last year was not going to be repeated this day.

"Sit in the middle of the boat. The middle!!!! Come over the other side. Quickly!! Duck you head. Get down!! Okay, now put the wood in the slot. Do it! Further down. That's it. Now, lean back. More! Get more in the middle!"

I am used to very minute and specific instructions as to how to load a dishwasher let alone how to sail a small boat in intrepid conditions so I was not at all surprised by these commands.

"Oh shit! That was dumb. We haven't got life jackets on."

I could feel us change course.

"Are we going in?"

"Yep."

I watched him gather life jackets from the speed boat and realized with a sinking stomach that he intended to proceed with the mission.

"Are we going back out again?"

Sigh.

"Don't you want to?"

"Wellll, it is pretty rough out there..."

"Do you want to or not? Speak your mind, girl."

"I think it is too rough for me."

"If you aren't coming, I'm going on my own."

"Perhaps that is best."

"Fine."

I got off.

"I'm sorry..."

"Yeah, yeah..."

I watched him leave without me, trying to find my nerve to say I'd changed my mind. Yet, my life preserving instinct was in full force.

"It wasn't meant to be this way," he said as he ventured out, clearly disappointed with me.

I watched him leave with heavy heart, berating my scared soul.

When I saw him returning an hour or so later, I came down to meet him. Anything to regain the connection...

"How was it?"

"It was bloody rough out there. I capsized."

"Ohhhhhh"

"It was much too rough for you."

"Ohhhhh?"

"Yes. Much better that you didn't come."

Did we discuss his agitation with me? No. Did I point out that I was right and he was, well...wrong? No. We simply enjoyed the reconnection, or whatever you like to call it.

For well over 30 years I've been receiving instruction from my guy. He instinctively takes it upon himself to instruct me about anything and everything; from pulling the sheet up higher when I make the bed to how to handle a complicated business transaction and everything in between. (Don't get me started about my role of navigator and his, the driver. Just don't get me started...!)

And there it is; a dynamic set in stone; a dynamic that will never change. He's the Captain. I'm merely a lowly sailor who sometimes oh so tactfully, sets the Captain straight!

Still learning

In my last post I made mention of how we have a tendency to think of our lives in story form. After all, a year begins with a sense of hope as to how things will go, there is a middle to the year, but it is not until the year is over that we can assess how things have actually gone and whether the year (the story) was a success or otherwise.

I had in my mind a thought to share my kinky notebook with you in this post and in so doing, to explore all the ways I feel I have grown over the past year. It didn’t work out so well. There is so much detail in that notebook of mine and it was getting ridiculously complicated. I hope you can take me at my word that I have definitely made lots of progress with my submissive state and as well, how I function as a complete human being.

It seems more prudent to write here in my last post of 2010 what I have yet to fully grasp in terms of being a submissive woman. This gives me a focus going into 2011 so that hopefully sometime next year I can report my issue is fully licked.

The biggest issue for me is that I have trouble getting into trouble. I find it damaging to my sense of self as a “good girl”. If I am in trouble, says my complex mind, then I am not perfect and hence I must be bad (and a huge disappointment and deserving of banishment).

This is a long, ongoing saga. I remember Rich (the man who helped me accept my submissive nature a few years ago) saying to me after I had or hadn’t done something or other, that I was a bad girl. I remember how I felt and there was nothing at all erotic about it. I felt awful.

We explored my feelings and I remember telling him that my mother used the word “bad” and still does. “Bad dog!” she will say. I remember asking her not to refer to my oldest son in that way. “You’re a bad boy!” I never get upset with my mother but at the time he was a confused two year old child and his mother was sitting in a hospital with tubes coming out of her. I was upset that I couldn’t care for my son and baby and she was upset that I was ill. She defended herself and I just went into my shell. I have always hated the thought of calling someone “bad” and I didn’t want to ever feel that I was bad. Rich tended to use the word “naughty” after that.

It is the absolute truth that I always wanted to be a good child and I was thought of as a good child. I was the good girl at school and at home and if I had revolutionary thoughts or idea or plans, I kept them to myself and quietly went about achieving my goals in a non-demanding and non-confrontational way.

I loathe being in trouble with my husband and one of my incredibly big breakthroughs is that I am able to say very easily now that “I am sorry”. It was hard to accept the blame for things; to accept my share of wrongdoing; to acknowledge that my lack of control, for example, was responsible for the argument we had.

I’ve always been relatively quick to apologize if you allow me a few minutes, hours or at most a day, depending on the circumstances. I want very much to put an end to the unpleasantness. But, in the heat of the moment, that could be very hard for me to do. On that score, the progress is truly significant.

The issue that remains is that I find myself wanting to avoid unpleasantness altogether. It has seemed to me that if I could just be strong enough to self soothe I could withstand almost any circumstance without sharing it or asking for support or forgiveness (or whatever I needed to share). If I withheld information and purported to be perfectly all right then unpleasantness would be avoided. I wouldn’t be in trouble in any way and I would not have disappointed in any way. I would not be thought of or called “bad”.

Of course, there is a price to pay for such a stand. The connection between the top and bottom is weaker, there is a sense of being a fraud and there is some resentment too that I was allowed to get away with this in the first place. The thinking goes, ‘if he paid a bit more attention, it would be patently obvious that I am not as good as I state. Nobody is that good, for Pete’s sake. Nobody is so self sufficient, least of all a submissive such as me!’

I am encouraged to “let go”. I have said in the past, “but if I let go, if I just naturally say what is on my mind, or if I tell you everything, I’ll be in trouble.” (or words to that effect) The response was quite simply, “Then, be in trouble and take the correction. Dolls learn from correction, don’t they?!”

Dolls do learn from correction, it is true. Yet the issue remains that to be transparent is to reveal myself as the flawed person that I am. I’m not nearly as strong as I’d like to be either but the thinking goes, ‘at least I can learn to be strong and stand on my own two feet, whereas to be so vulnerable, so liable to being hurt and to being rejected and thought of as a disappointment is just too painful’.

The way I tried to reconcile this problem in my mind is to be very mindful of the way that I communicate and I have found this strategy goes a long way. If I want to tell my husband something, or ask for something, or if I want peace to reign but still want to voice an opinion, I do it with a great deal of tact, with diplomacy, at an appropriate time and completely aware that it must sound and seem polite to his ears. If he chides me it takes rather a long time for me to find the courage to try again to be honest with him about my feelings, my needs or thoughts.

Be assured, over the year my life and my relationships are vastly improved. I am very happy. But, I cannot deny that I do withhold certain thoughts and feelings out of a sense that this brings peace and stability. I continue to doubt the thinking that asks the submissive to reveal all to her dominant, to get in trouble, to accept the correction, learn and drive on. I accept it in theory. However, to be considered less than perfect and to risk the abandonment or derision of the dominant is something I continue to find very difficult to do. I know this is not a good thing and somehow rectifying this flawed thinking in my mind is a high priority goal for 2011.

2010 has been a very fruitful and happy year for me. I’m an incredibly lucky girl and I know it. I have a husband I adore and who adores me. I have wonderful friends who support me, inspire me and sustain me. I have a terrific family and I have the opportunity to grow, to learn and to write. Who could ask for more?

May 2011 be a very happy, successful and loving one for you all.Happy New Year!

Words

My husband was having a telephone conversation with his sister this morning. It wasn't about me but about something I needed to do and he was trying to protect me. I heard him say, "Look, she is as soft as butter and I'm not going to have her go through this again..."

My sister-in-law, who can be as kind as she can be cruel was having none of it and her sensibilities were offended, as they so often are, until she said something so awful and so vicious, I'm sure we will forgive, but we'll be unlikely to forget. Although she considers herself a 'Christian' it does nothing to assuage her sense of righteousness and indignation if people have a different view to hers. Her sense of self means that she must lash out when feeling at all anxious and it takes quite a bit of sensitivity on the other person's part to want to hang around and accept the assault.

What she in fact did was say the most hurtful and confronting thing she could to her brother - the statement that would offend him the most; the statement that would rile him and challenge his ability to stay calm with her. And, when she said that, she knew full well what the result of saying it would be.

My husband has a dominant character. When he makes a call he means to be heard - not necessarily to get his way but for there to be resolution of a situation. He is more than willing to negotiate and sort things out. His sister, knowing full well that he can be forceful and direct when not happy about something tends, nearly always, to go on the attack. This has them at loggerheads and most particularly when she turned viciously against their sister and he had to mediate on her behalf. His sense of how to treat a family member would not allow the behaviour to stand.

One the great outcomes of my mentoring - a mentoring that involves words and words alone - is that I have had excellent practice in paying attention to my words. Like my sister-in-law, I have been guilty of allowing my emotions to run and take me over. I have felt anger and instead of slowing down and working through that fact (oh yeah, there's that false ego controlling me again) I've let the words fly on email. It isn't nice and it isn't good. In fact, it was very wrong.

The truth is that things done in anger are invariably done badly and often with false 'facts'. It is no co-incidence I think that when I act in anger, minutes, hours or days later, I am apologizing. What does that tell you? The last time it happened, I was called on it. It caused a breach between us and we both suffered for that. We've made a wonderful team and my false ego put a blot on that.

I do feel that I have grown a great deal as a person over the past year in many ways and it is what makes me continue to challenge myself in this space. We all use words like 'trust' and 'communication' and recognize the importance of these words, but it is perhaps not until there is a breach of trust or communication that we fully understand the huge significance of those words in a power exchange. Communication is vital and trust is paramount. I failed on both counts.

I've talked privately, and somewhat publicly here, I think, that I do well about 98% of the time, and isn't that good enough?! But, it is not and I know that now. We need to put thought into our words; not just bleed onto the page. We need to consider what impact those words will have on the person receiving those words. It has been a salutary lesson.

I've taken a few days here in my everyday life to slow myself right down - to really absorb the importance of words in communication and most especially in terms of the power exchange. And, I rather doubt I'll make this mistake again. It was a lack of faith that implied a desire to control. And, that is what perturbed him the most - my persistence at seizing control at the very same time as I strive to relinquish it.

My words about ego (the last post) are pertinent here and I feel more self-assured to carry on with my goals. The extraordinary thing is that, I believe, the more self assured and self realized one is - the more one can snuff off that false ego and just connect with the self -the more one can relinquish the desire for control.

My goal has always been to seek the divine - that sense of complete peace and harmony in life - and I feel closer to it with each step. This is what it is about for me.

Feelings

Controversially, my husband has noted on several occasions that the biggest difficulty with dealing with young women out there in the workforce at this time is their feelings. He might call the bank to have an issue corrected only to find that the conversation has launched from the facts of the matter to the girl at the bank's feelings. My husband has not agreed with her findings, has told her so and somehow they are in the land of her feelings. He's too long in the tooth for this sort of thing now. He just wants the job done and move on. Trust me when I say that he can be an absolutely charming man whom women think adorable but if you use the feelings card with him when he wants something done, he won't have any time for it any more.

He is not alone. His associates complain of this matter and when I asked women at a lunch recently how they felt about this, they all agreed. The young woman today was very inclined to take umbrage at simple expression of insistence that the task be done to the customer's satisfaction. My husband has taken to hanging up the phone only to dial the same company until a man answers. He explains the issue and moments later he hears "Not a problem, Sir. Done." Ah! No mention of feelings!

My feelings has been an issue of contention with us over the years. When my husband is in a go-get-it mood, and he often is, he just wants things done and at times he can be short with me. On my good days, and most of them are good, I snuff it off. I can even enjoy it, in an odd sort of masochistic let's -get-the-girl-going sort of way. (I am not on these pages for nothing!) Occasionally, I get upset and I tell him that my feelings are hurt. Or, I might just snap back which always has him look at me as if to say, 'where did that come from?' I wonder!

In any event, a great deal of effort on my part has gone into getting control of my feelings. It is an exceptionally odd moment that this is ever an issue for me out there in the big wide world. My feelings being out of kilter and destructive to me and loved ones occur in the private domain. I might be upset with my husband's tone or my children's inconsideration. My challenge is to stay calm, and not allow the flood of adrenaline to overtake my brain allowing me to react in an out of control way. My task is to stay in control. It's the task I have given myself.

Whilst I have a pass rate on this task, I don't have a High Distinction and that really bothers me. Instead of waiting for the right moment to say something like, "I'd like to talk to you about..... I am a little confused as to why you said..." I tend to feel extreme agitation inside my body and I tend to make hasty decisions, finding it a virtual necessity to react instantaneously. I read lately that this is why people might eat foods they know they should not when they are upset. They are looking to change how they feel. I too am looking to change how I feel but instead of reaching for a chocolate teddy bear, I launch a Scud missile instead and get a momentary improvement in how I feel.

Of course, it only takes minutes for me to question my action but the deed has been done and of course, I have my "righteous indignation" to keep me warm for quite a while. There are moments of sanity. I sent off an email on Saturday (yeah, it's on my mind) and on Sunday I was wandering about the garden when I thought, 'Did I really write I was "humiliated"? Oh boy, that was over the top!!'

It gets worse. It turns out that it was a total misunderstanding on my part and by Sunday evening, I felt very, very silly. And, shameful. The whole day of upset could easily have been avoided for both parties if I had just taken control of my feelings and thought it through and acted sensibly with the end in mine.

I have read enough blogs of submissive women and know enough submissives to feel that my challenges are not uniquely mine. And, it says something of the value, integrity and warmth of the relationship that even amongst all this hullabaloo over the weekend that we managed to find a little humour in the next exchange and I like to think, brought us a little closer. Yes, some things should never have been said, but then some things were said that cleared the air, too.

I do know from long experience that feelings are not just the domain of the female or the submissive. I can most certainly hurt my husband's feelings and an argument with me can leave him terribly upset. Rupert Murdoch once said that the only person who could make him feel like a fool was Anna (his first wife). It is those we care about who have the ability to upset us the most. Our feelings are most hurt when the person (or people) who provide the most stability for us take the ground from under our feet (or at least, we momentarily think they do).

In essence this returns to what Mary said to me - that a passionate relationship is going to have push and pull. It is not a well received idea in BDSM circles but nonetheless it is true. People who care about one another are meant to challenge one another in some ways, to get the best out of one another and that includes the dominant and the submissive.

This whole emotional mine field of our feelings takes place amidst the formality of the power exchange relationship where one leads and one follows; one feeds and one serves, making feelings a very complicated issue to handle. I think there are just moments when in amongst those roles, the issues related to hurt feelings must be addressed and resolved. The skilled dominant will know how to get the submissive back in line and the true submissive will fall back into line without any further ado. Meanwhile, I stay calm. Of course!

Honesty

I have respect for the posts I read over at Cross Purposes. I often agree with points made there and even when I do not, I always learn from the posts written by Mr. Cross. The issue of ‘honesty’ in a D/s relationship is an important matter and without honesty the chances of the relationship flourishing are not good. Without a dominant understanding what is on the mind of his submissive, he is not in a position to be able to help her is, I believe, how the dominant man generally feels.

In his most recent post relating to honesty, Mr. Cross said the following:

OTOH - it has been my personal experience that in long-lived D/s relationships there comes a time when the Dominant must trust the Submissive to tell him what he needs to know, which is not always everything. For example, a Submissive might be angry or sad over a decision her Dominant has made, but she also knows that telling him will not change his mind, and may only start a conflict between them. Therefore she says nothing and tries to do her best. He will of course notice the changes in her, but because he trusts her he will not probe deeper. She will speak to him if she must.

When I read that paragraph, I felt truly understood. Over a long marriage, I have come to understand that there are things that will not change; decisions that are made which will make me sad or angry. If I enunciate how I feel, try to express what is disturbing me, the chances are very high that I do so at a very high cost. If I express my concerns or my upset about certain issues, I am likely to have to listen, all over again, to a line of argument with which I do not agree. It is likely to be expressed with a certain level of pique that it has to be gone into again, and at the end of the discussion, I am likely to feel very much worse than if I had kept my own counsel. There is a strong argument, I believe, for the submissive woman coming to know when it would be best to self-soothe; when it would be best to stay quiet and calm and accept her situation.

So, how might I deal with my upset over such a situation? Well, you might find me mumbling to myself; in the shower or as I sweep around the house collecting laundry. I express my anger but I do so quietly, to myself. I might go for a walk because the opportunity to move my body fast allows me to run the thoughts through my head, feel angry, and then ultimately, the further I walk, calm down.

Eventually, I come to see that my life is good; not perfect but good. I have a great deal to be thankful for and I am married to a good man who loves me dearly, as I love him. He always has and always will, occasionally make me angry, because he is profoundly opinionated and profoundly incapable of doing things any way but his own.

As I work my way through my upset, alone, I come to see that I am trying to alter what cannot be altered and I begin to relax and accept. The process occurred alone. Not a word was spoken between us. Was I dishonest? According to some people, I was. Yet, it works. And, it works better than the full blown honesty that some might expect of the submissive ever could.