It is said that in any marriage, one person loves the other more. In any relationship, somebody initiates contact. One person approaches the other. Somebody has to make a move for anything at all to happen.
I initiated our new dynamic. Initially, I asked to be spanked and as time passed, I asked to be dominated. He said to me then, what he says to me now:
"Just tell me what you want. I am more than happy to oblige."
I don't wish to confuse you, however. It is a rare day that I will initiate very much at all. I'm one of those girls who waits for the man to approach her 99% of the time, and none of this was easy for me. It still is not easy. My preference would be for announcements to be made:
"As of today, you will..."
Instead, I offer suggestions, send copies of material by email, and write stories loaded down with erotic happenings that I hope he reads.
There is a difference between my needs at first, and my needs now. At first, any activity, suggestion or order was erotically charged for me. I was in submissive heaven and even the things I did not like, were a great charge for me. I could never have imagined such fulfilment.
Nowadays, I need things to go beyond the erotic. I need things to make good sense as well. I am not a girl who only wants to be dominated in the bedroom. I want to feel it at other times, too. So, whatever is asked of me, whatever corrections are undertaken, need to be those that make sense to me within my life.
What do I mean by that? Two things:
1) I want the dom to have his own wants, and I want him to get what he wants. That makes sense to me. He is a very important part of this relationship and I want him to be happy about being in this relationship with me.
2) I want the dom to have expectations of me; for his own pleasure and for mine. I want those expectations to be well thought out. I am his submissive and his charge, and his expectations of me should be, in one way or another, for my betterment.
In other words, it all has to make sense. It all has to be achievable. And, it all has to fit in with the lives we lead.
I am doing my best and I want him to do his best, too. If it is worth doing, and it is, it is worth doing well.
We've achieved many wonderful things in our lives together. A successful, happy and constant D/s relationship is most certainly within our grasp.
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That was written so well. You guys really are working together to create exactly what you both want.
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteI am just starting to learn about myself and these very new feelings. When I talk with him about it, my husband gives the same response "Just tell me what you want. I am more than happy to oblige." And I know he really is.
What I can't seem to reconcile in my mind is that, like you said, I want him to do what he wants, and I want to know what he really wants. But he just keeps being so damn agreeable.
btw: I have appreciated your blog and your insights into making this work within your marriage.
Pondering
I have seen and experienced going from what I wanted to what he wants. It took time, and he needed to be able to grow into what he wanted, first trying to understand what that was. For so long, it was all about what I wanted (in my mind, anyway), and his newer role had to develop. Then, there are those 'be careful what you wish' for moments too. It's all been very interesting, to say the least!
ReplyDeleteDear Vesta,
ReplyDeleteSara is right. Be careful what you wish for.
But you will love hating it!
Clemmi
Gray: Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnon: For all of our announcements that we want him to take charge, we are a pretty judgmental bunch! I don't say that in a critical way, but I think it pays to walk in his shoes for a while and think about this. He is trying to please; to fulfil and yet, we are critical. If we get what we want, maybe we might be critical about that, too! So, maybe the answer is to focus on the submissive qualities. The more submissive you are, perhaps the more dominant he is inclined to be. My advice would be to focus on being the sweetest you can be; that is pretty irresistible and might well bring out his own feelings of dominance.
Thank you so much for your comments about the blog in general. I'm not writing each day just for me. If I have helped you in any way, that makes me very happy.
Sara: I hear you, and you make such valid points. My husband has often told me that he is my protector. Although sometimes I am frustrated with what seems like inaction, he keeps me centred. He listens to me, often at cafes, and he reads my words, and when he is ready, he acts. Topping from the bottom isn't really at all rewarding (for me) and I'd do better to let him be the judge of what I need. I don't always give myself that advice, but noetheless, I think it is good advice.
Clemmi: It is such a two-edged sword, is it not? Yet, that little tickle in the throat that one gets when one is a little uncertain, a little worried and afraid; is there anything at all quite like that? And then, the headiness of afterwards? When such thoughts flow, all good sense floats out the window...
ReplyDelete