Perspective

Several years ago, my husband suffered a series of misfortunes where people he knew and trusted deceived him and other associates. Ruthless men navigate the space in which he works, unfortunately. The last deception and double-crossing behavior that occurred meant that he was left financially exposed.

For most people, it would have been too much and something would have needed to be sold, perhaps the family house. It's no co-incidence in my mind that he became very unwell towards the end of the fiasco. He was dealing with overwhelming distress, disgust, disappointment and despair as to what this greedy pair of multi-millionaires had done to honest, hard-working people, including himself.

Our personal agreement some years before this, right about the time that I came to him and exposed my kinky self, was that he'd handle the money side of our lives entirely himself. He wanted full responsibility, it's true, but he also felt that it allowed me to focus on the family, on fun, on our new and evolving kinky agreement. It felt right to me too. It's a little more complicated than that, in fact, but it's all that is necessary to say in light of the point of the post.

Of course, we hoped that the situation would resolve itself as soon as possible, but it didn't work out that way. It is still to be resolved, and whilst we can't know when it will be resolved, we believe that it will happen one day in the relatively near future.

My husband did (and does) his best to create stability for me and for the family. In some measure, life has gone on as usual. We didn't move house, the children remained at their schools and universities and whilst our plans for the future had to be put on hold, life is fundamentally the same, or, similar.

Where life changed is that my husband works around the clock to ensure that "the ships stays afloat". He doesn't like to talk about financial details. In fact, I am not allowed to know the details. He gives me a broad brush idea when I ask, a few general sentences, but no more than that.

In some ways this black curtain over the situation troubles me (perhaps I imagine it to be worse than it is?) but on the other hand it does allow me to switch off from the worry in large measure and to enjoy other aspects of life. My husband has said on a number of occasions that I didn't get us into this jam and I don't need to be in the trenches fighting back. In fact, he insists that I don't do that.

When he works and worries too incessantly I tend to make two suggestions. First of all, I suggest we sell the house. 'We don't need to be here anymore in this suburb and we don't need this big house. We could sell it, pay off the debt and your worry would be gone.' But, he's not inclined to this outcome. He wants to fix the problem, and stay right where we are. He's a stubborn sort of a guy and that's what he wants.

Secondly, I suggest that we be happy. 'The miserable pair of nasty bastards would be thrilled for us to be unhappy, so let's be happy and win the game!' But, that's a female thing to say, I know, and my husband knows that winning means staying financially afloat. To win, he must, to his mind, remain financially vigilant, everpresent. To this end, every day he works hard and long to achieve this end. 'But, we can't wait for everything to be in place to be happy,' I suggest. He says he understands but the responsibility remains.  The world rests squarely on his shoulders.

Meanwhile, the lovely power exchange relationship that we shared is severely under threat. You can't put time into controlling your girl and providing wonderful containing experiences for her, or monitoring her, or surprising her with some lovely and nasty experience when you feel forced to steer the ship through massive storms. You don't make love, or feel much desire, or tie up your wife and beat her, when you have a ship to keep in one piece as it rides the gail force winds. The Captain must remain at the wheel.

As it turns out, one year led to two, to three, to four, and a wife can get pretty lonesome, pretty frustrated. 'Let's get out of the house,' I suggested this evening. 'Let's get a curry down at the Japanese restaurant. I can't even cook for the price they charge.'

We sat side by side on stools, but his mind was a hundred miles away. I wondered how I could reach him, what I could say. As we walked back to the car, I said, 'Won't it be wonderful when this is all over and you don't need to worry.' 'Oh God', he replied, 'I live for that day.' He is a profoundly well-meaning, honest, hard-working man, good man; a man devoted to his extended family, our family; to me.

It's been a very hard, painful road, but I have to believe that one day it will be over; that he will return to me, body and soul. We'll be relaxed, return to the kinky, fun and fulfilling relationship that we began 10 years ago and life will be sweet again.

Love, the strength and tenacity of our love, will win the day. Laughter will reign in this house. And if there is a God, retribution will come, in one way or another, to those who walk over the innocent and good people of this world.