Duration

A power exchange dynamic is best explained in my life as the full expression of my entity. It wasn't anybody else's idea, but rather the instinctive and natural side of my nature needing to be expressed. The element of me that sought to be challenged and stretched, to be connected to someone who sought to challenge and stretch, sat there, just slightly under my skin.

I knew this at the same time as I lacked awareness. I felt the stirrings of desire when watching moments in a movie or reading certain scenes in a book. I felt more alive when not treated so much as a woman whom one treated with respect, but rather when I was tested to tap into some inner strength to step up. Respect is a required element of any valuable transaction, of course, but I innately understood that when I was asked to mine down to my personal power, I somehow rose up and became my best self.

Words struggle to express the ineffable; the reason why I keep on writing on here, doggedly trying to achieve the impossible. When I am spanked and taken right up to and beyond my pain limits, it helps me to rise up to be my best self. Comfort is not my enemy but at the same time it is hard to imagine always being comfortable. I find a certain comfort in struggle; a reminder that I am alive and that blood flows through these veins; that my lifeforce is still very much with me.

For the past few weeks there has been a more physical life within the marriage. He's wanted to spank me and test me and those challenges take me down to a very minimal space where the responses are quite out of my control. I'm a puppet with strings; strings that need to be pulled. This, I love.

In the midst of a discussion with some women lately we got onto the topic of the 'Outlander' series.  I couldn't resist speaking of the spanking scene. Claire had disobeyed Jamie and not stayed where he told her to stay. Her actions put not only Jamie but all his men at risk. If it had only been him that had been put at risk, her 'sorry' would have been enough, he told her, but it was important that the men knew that she was punished, and thus she'd need to be spanked. He removed the leather belt that held up his sporan and after much chasing, did the deed. I was laughing away as I told the story, as were some of the women, but one woman looked horrified.

'And, you continued to watch?'

She was absolutely aghast.

'Well, yes.' (I wanted to say, 'I was transfixed'.)

Then, she turned on me.

'Oh, so you like a bit of the rough stuff, do you?'

For a moment, our eyes met, and I considered for a split second answering her by telling her the truth. However, I chose to do what I nearly always do when met with rudeness, I just remained silent. The group quickly moved on, as if it hadn't happened.

It has to be said, I'm not fond of being punished, but, yes, it has happened, in various ways. Whilst I am not fond of it, in fact deplore it, I do recognize it as part of the dynamic. It's tricky. The moment one feels unfairly treated (as did Claire) the heckles go up, but at the same time it's hard to feel bedded down in the dynamic without clarification of expectations.

There are a variety of factors that make for a situation where the natural flow of energy between two people is less at certain times. For one thing, we can't always operate at top gear. We would be sapped of energy, the energy that comes from within us and that is our engine; distracted from other important elements of our lives.

Yet, in a union where there is a natural dominant personality and a natural submissive personality, and where one needs the other in order to have an exchange or flow of energy, it never dies out completely. There is always an ember that can ignite. This knowledge is very important to me. It is what keeps me feeling safe and wrapped in affection; youthful and able to live a passionate life. It is what reminds me that I'm in this power exchange relationship for the long haul.