Peace

At first, my inexhaustible interest in issues of submission was solely about arousal. My mind processed it all as desirable, erotic and pleasurable. Certainly, these feelings remain intact. However, I can feel something shifting within me; transforming the way I live my life; the way I live my internal life too.

Spirituality is a big part of my submissive response. There's a broader thrust to this for me than sexuality or even being true to my (submissive) nature. I was looking for peace in whatever guise that took. What I came to understand was that I need to let go of the I'. It was the 'I' that had a hold of me, locking me into a cycle of emotions that were often uncomfortable. It was the 'I' that made me feel that my thoughts were okay; that they were a part of 'me'.

Bit by bit, via my own readings and efforts such as meditation I was opening up to the notions expressed by people such as Eckhart Tolle. I was not the voice I was hearing inside my head - the voice making up stories, offering interpretations; expressing displeasure; the voice that seemed to gyrate from positive to negative emotional response within seconds at times. 'I' was the awareness of the voice. It's that simple. I became aware. In becoming aware of who I really am, I settled in every way.

This awareness opened doors for me. I came to see what was happening concerning my submissive desires. I very much wanted to obey. I very much wanted to please. I very much wanted to feel a close connection and that connection comes when I have this consistent awareness of my 'awareness'. I am the listener of the 'stories'. It is someone or something else writing them. I merely listen.

I think I can trace interest in spirituality to my early days. My grandmother was Catholic and would tell me of the rosary and other religious ideas. I loved being in churches from an early age and I appreciated rituals. I continue to be drawn to sacred places and rituals. Obedience to a higher authority, moral codes - these notions seem natural to me.

Obedience in a power exchange way didn't make complete sense to me nor was a natural fit all of the time until I let go of this idea of self I had - that my thoughts were me. It created space to settle into the concept of a power exchange with a great degree of comfort. I've a place, a status, a position within the exchange - with both members doing what they do best, supporting one another with their strengths; their natural predispositions. The exchange provides peace. That's why I could never let it go. That's why it's like a drug; something I simply cannot give up. To submit = my peace.

There's a quite natural connection between submission to a partner and the submission of a woman or man to God, I think. I've been reading of women who become nuns and how they live their lives these days and there is that same head 'space' - that same ability to notice; to stop and pause; to be in this one moment right now.

Of course, many women will be submissive to a dominant and not have a clue what I am talking about. Dominants will take charge of a submissive without the vaguest sense of their role in bringing a sense of peace to the submissive. That's okay. We don't all seek the same things. I sought peace. Lucky me to have been guided back to me; that place where peace dwells; eternally fortunate indeed; heaven sent.