Building a Successful Life

In terms of a power exchange relationship people talk of the arrangement sometimes as an energy exchange. Different people have different things to say. I've heard and read of it as an exchange of two different types of personality, 'She loves to give and I love to take, so it works for both of us.'

I've thought of it as an ideal combining of two different types of people; one who enjoys taking the lead and one who is happy to be led. Not that nearly anyone wants to be led in all ways and at all times, but rather the relationship can express the synchronicity of the coupling and then details can be adjusted as required.

The lovely things to be said about an energy exchange between such people all imply that the relationship is undertaken with intelligence, with intention and with respect. There needs to be some consistency, acknowledgement of strengths and weaknesses, together with an awareness that life challenges will interfere with smooth sailing at times. It needs to be real.

A psychologist is likely to be concerned about power relationships if they get the sense that the relationship looks more like an Empath being taken advantage of by a Narcissist. Empaths can become what is known as pathological givers. They tend to feel that if they give to the Other what he or she needs, they will be loved and be given what they need automatically. The narcissist doesn't necessarily feel this way or indeed follow that sort of thinking.

This is probably what separates a power exchange that is healthy from one that is unhealthy. If both people have their needs met, who can argue with that? But, if one person has permanently unmet needs, that's not a good thing.

People whose needs are not met would do well to explain themselves, but there is no guarantee that this will sort the matter out. There may be an uptick in reciprocity but chances are only average that there will be a permanent change in mindset. It is the rare person, and particularly so if they have a demanding or set disposition, that can change themselves to suit another person.

The empath/submissive can be so frustrated that she might rage but ultimately he or she must accept the reality of being locked into a relationship that lacks reciprocity; where the Other is unable to feel his or her pain.

Putting aside this relationship for a moment and considering all relationships in our lives, what is a wise way to think about them as a whole? Some friendships are deeper - and smoother - than others, but as we age we come to see that all friendships and all relationships have an internal mechanism.

As much as we might like to get to know someone more intimately, or to feel closer to a friend, or to wish that the waitress in the Diner who brings us our chicken salad sandwich would crack a smile, there is only so much we can do to change these circumstances.

I believe that there are ways we can influence relationships. Speaking to someone with a respectful tone when explaining what you want them to do makes the exchange more friendly as a rule. If someone begins to shout staying calm can help them to settle. We can do what we know to do. But, we can't change people's intentions or motivations or personality.

In the same way we can talk to someone with whom we exchange energy in a power exchange, but it doesn't guarantee change. It depends on their drivers - their level of distraction, their understanding of what is important in their minds; what they want. This is a relationship no different to any other really except for the fact that it could be a parasitic relationship, and that's dangerous.

Some relationships are very stressful. When someone is on the alert for the changes of mood of someone, walking on eggshells, looking out for red flags, that's very stressful. Apart from the psychological pain that ensues, the body is subject to chronic inflammation. An empath's energetic field can be so open he or she can neglect the body.

It's clear that it's no small amount of work to solve these issues when an empath or submissive has found herself in the orbit of a  Narcissist who is ambivalent. Certainly this post can't solve this complex problem except that I would like to offer three suggestions that could, in time, give such a person the strength they need to assess the situation with clarity; to make positive change.

1) A meditative practice, being the witness to your own mind, teaches you to think with clarity and awareness that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

2) Resilience is not something that we either have or don't have. You can teach yourself to go without and in doing so attain a sense of empowerment. Going without something, perhaps sugar or salt or tv for a time is a good start in this practice. As you learn that you can indeed go without you will see with clarity and discrimination what to say 'no' to, and what to say 'yes' to.

3) Develop patience. 'I can wait.' This will give you strength.

We are all made up of strengths and weaknesses and we can be grateful for both. A focus on the weaknesses is a learning prompt and encourages compassion. It is all experience. Nothing is lost.

The Narcissistic Cycle

From the moment we take our first breath we expect life to revolve around us. It is all about our needs. We want out stomachs filled and our diaper changed; to be held when we desire and for people to stop holding us when we desire to be alone. Over time, we learn that it is not all about us, and this comes as a deep shock to some children. The adults around them may wonder, why is he or she so desperate for attention? Generally speaking, little people learn to adjust to the real world, being a cog in the big wheel of life. Some people even enjoy their humility. But, for a significant minority, it really does suck to not be in the limelight, to not have a great deal of attention; to not reach some great height in life.

Of course, expression of a narcissistic personality isn't something that you can plot on a line. There are grades of narcissism and according to the level of narcissism expressed, we have some idea as to people's reactions to narcissistic injury. So much of the behavior is covert; covered up; a secret. It can take a good deal of looking before your eyes stop deceiving you.

It is almost impossible to be certain what leads to this behavior in adulthood, but there are two theories. Either the parents created a golden child who did no wrong and and certainly deserves the abundance of praise, glory and possessions the child is given, or else the parents were cold; unresponsive to the child's needs and withholding of praise and love.

It seems that it may well be something that happens about the age of 7 or 8 that can lead to permanent damage in the psyche; a scary thought for me since I work with children of that age. It is also fascinating that it is the occurrence of some damage to the psyche at this same age that can set the child up for a future cancer. Children need to express their emotions. You don't want them feeling that they must contain these emotions. Indeed, it is important that they share them with you. Having dinner together regularly is a great insurance policy because that's a time when concerns are raised.

For some people the swings and arrows directed at their sense of self is so great that they must create an inner sanctum. The chances of being invited into this inner sanctum of their minds is remarkably low for the very reason they fear going through the portal of their inner sanctum themselves. If they cannot enter, then you certainly must be kept out. Thus, the false self is created.

The narcissistic personality requires confirmation; validation; attention. With a low supply of empathy for others or a sense of guilt at their disposal, for their psyche rotates around their own desperate and urgent needs to feel better, people that come into their orbit are at risk of being manipulated to serve the N's needs.

Not all people with a narcissistic personality are wildly intelligent and abound with charm. Some people are mildly narcissistic in personality whilst others are in the mid range. Then there are others that are Masters at the game. How they experience themselves within their own skin can vary wildly from their outward appearance and behavior. It's the pressing need to have their needs met that have them behaving in certain ways because supply must be found and, if we are talking of a primary source, secured.

The appetite for supply can often be voracious and this makes secondary supply and even tertiary supply very important; not as important as the primary supply, most often the romantic partner, but still, an important source for supply. It could be a lover, a co-worker or even a stranger on the street. It is an insidious, all encompassing thing for some people.

There is a pattern, easily recognized when you know what you are looking for, but far too irresistible to reject when you do not. Submissives, yearning to submit as they do, are far less likely to see the master narcissist coming.

The golden period when the narcissistic is a delight to be around and you think you have found the perfect match is, well, golden. It feels special; heady; a high. Is there anything better than this, you wonder?

Unfortunately, the need for supply prevents this period from being permanent. There are a couple of things to note here. Positive supply isn't permanently enough; not even close. The N must have negative supply as well. He or she wants you to love them, but they also want you to sometimes hate them. How else can be there a contrast? How else can there a full expression of their control? Secondly, things go off the boil for the N. He needs to stir the pot; either to get some supply from another source, or have a cooling off period to gather strength and/or recover from a serious narcissistic injury. Either way, the golden period ultimately comes to an end or is patchy at best.

Confusion abounds. Drastic efforts are made; herculean attempts to return to that golden of golden periods of time. And yet, no matter how many hurdles you jump or how many sacrifices you make, that period of time is indeed gone; history; vamoose; vanished in a puff of smoke. It may return in some form or measure for limited periods of time, but the close connection between you is never quite reached. Nor are any attempts to discover the reasons for the change ever revealed or explained.

Probably, the narcissisticly challenged person has awareness; perhaps he or she does not. What matters to him is that he doesn't feel good and it's this drastic search to feel better that really matters to him or her. It drives everything.

Remember this: You didn't cause this situation and you can't fix this situation. You can, however, call it for what it is. You can even empathize, if your heart is big, deep and wide. Let's face it, as a submissive, you have bucket loads of empathy and forgiveness; endless supplies of understanding and an abundant willingness to wonder if you are to blame. For your own preservation of sanity, resist accepting the blame. In this way, you will heal.