The first step

There are advantages to being more 'aware' of the emotions within and encircling a person. As awareness grows so too does the ability to analyze what is going on in a logical way. Less than a week ago I asked my husband if he would be prepared to take some steps to make our marriage more of a formal power exchange dynamic. I saw this as a very positive first step to a potentially wonderful future together.

Whilst we don't have the perfect life in his eyes, since he hasn't experienced the level of financial success he would have liked to achieve by now, we have a good life, live in a great country and have a wonderful, close family. The setting and stage of our lives seemed right for taking this step towards a closer and more fulfilling personal relationship that I hoped would set us up nicely to be happy in an ongoing and everpresent way.

I wrote to him about this matter and I did it via email. To date, there is no response. These plans were put into action at a time when the future seemed so promising. He was relaxed having been on vacation at our holiday house. Although our time together wasn't as personally fulfilling as it could have been from my perspective since we were often surrounded by children in a house where noise travels, I was filled with hope.

We've been back in the city  only a few short days and the rot has set in. He has had several explosions of his emotions, unable to contain his distress and anxiety related to several issues that either spun out of his control or that frustrated him. He's been rude, a reaction to his internal distress at external factors, and although he usually offers an apology, it's distressing to me.

There is not a doubt in my mind that he would benefit by seeing a psychologist who could use some cognitive behaviour techniques to help him deal with this perturbation. I'd love to see him get some relief from these distressing feelings that he experiences, but also so that we can have a more mutually respectful and anxious-free environment at home, from where he mostly works.

I know to take care of myself in various ways, such as to find a quiet place in the house, or to leave the house and settle my own internal upset. But, this issue has been a constant throughout the marriage, only altering in intensity as befits his own internal stresses and the external environment; in other words, how life goes for him from minute to minute. 

I can train myself to be the perfectly submissive wife, to handle my own anxiety privately and to show him due care and consideration, but this does nothing in providing him with strategies to cope with his own anxiety. As his wife I am in no position to help him here. He needs a professional for that task, but unfortunately has resisted all my pleas over several years. He's a proud man, a stubborn man and he is in denial.

Since writing the letter the idea of a more formal and established power exchange dynamic with him seems less do-able and, frankly, less attractive. I don't think that you can have a power exchange dynamic with a person who assumes the dominant role but who exhibits anxiety quite regularly.  Can you? The anxiety ridden person is so preoccupied with his own distress, what has he left to offer his submissive? Of course, some dominants find playing with their submissive an instant remedy for anxious feelings, but unfortunately my husband is not one of them. He tends to want to brood over his concerns.

I think the first step has to be to fix the anxiety; for him to learn strategies as to how to soothe himself. If the anxiety can come under control he is better placed to live his life - his business life - in a state of control and positivism which can then allow him to take on the power dynamic with me formally, in a way that is achievable. In a state of high anxiety I don't think we can really make progression in achieving the kind of relationship that I seek.