Building a Successful Life

In terms of a power exchange relationship people talk of the arrangement sometimes as an energy exchange. Different people have different things to say. I've heard and read of it as an exchange of two different types of personality, 'She loves to give and I love to take, so it works for both of us.'

I've thought of it as an ideal combining of two different types of people; one who enjoys taking the lead and one who is happy to be led. Not that nearly anyone wants to be led in all ways and at all times, but rather the relationship can express the synchronicity of the coupling and then details can be adjusted as required.

The lovely things to be said about an energy exchange between such people all imply that the relationship is undertaken with intelligence, with intention and with respect. There needs to be some consistency, acknowledgement of strengths and weaknesses, together with an awareness that life challenges will interfere with smooth sailing at times. It needs to be real.

A psychologist is likely to be concerned about power relationships if they get the sense that the relationship looks more like an Empath being taken advantage of by a Narcissist. Empaths can become what is known as pathological givers. They tend to feel that if they give to the Other what he or she needs, they will be loved and be given what they need automatically. The narcissist doesn't necessarily feel this way or indeed follow that sort of thinking.

This is probably what separates a power exchange that is healthy from one that is unhealthy. If both people have their needs met, who can argue with that? But, if one person has permanently unmet needs, that's not a good thing.

People whose needs are not met would do well to explain themselves, but there is no guarantee that this will sort the matter out. There may be an uptick in reciprocity but chances are only average that there will be a permanent change in mindset. It is the rare person, and particularly so if they have a demanding or set disposition, that can change themselves to suit another person.

The empath/submissive can be so frustrated that she might rage but ultimately he or she must accept the reality of being locked into a relationship that lacks reciprocity; where the Other is unable to feel his or her pain.

Putting aside this relationship for a moment and considering all relationships in our lives, what is a wise way to think about them as a whole? Some friendships are deeper - and smoother - than others, but as we age we come to see that all friendships and all relationships have an internal mechanism.

As much as we might like to get to know someone more intimately, or to feel closer to a friend, or to wish that the waitress in the Diner who brings us our chicken salad sandwich would crack a smile, there is only so much we can do to change these circumstances.

I believe that there are ways we can influence relationships. Speaking to someone with a respectful tone when explaining what you want them to do makes the exchange more friendly as a rule. If someone begins to shout staying calm can help them to settle. We can do what we know to do. But, we can't change people's intentions or motivations or personality.

In the same way we can talk to someone with whom we exchange energy in a power exchange, but it doesn't guarantee change. It depends on their drivers - their level of distraction, their understanding of what is important in their minds; what they want. This is a relationship no different to any other really except for the fact that it could be a parasitic relationship, and that's dangerous.

Some relationships are very stressful. When someone is on the alert for the changes of mood of someone, walking on eggshells, looking out for red flags, that's very stressful. Apart from the psychological pain that ensues, the body is subject to chronic inflammation. An empath's energetic field can be so open he or she can neglect the body.

It's clear that it's no small amount of work to solve these issues when an empath or submissive has found herself in the orbit of a  Narcissist who is ambivalent. Certainly this post can't solve this complex problem except that I would like to offer three suggestions that could, in time, give such a person the strength they need to assess the situation with clarity; to make positive change.

1) A meditative practice, being the witness to your own mind, teaches you to think with clarity and awareness that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

2) Resilience is not something that we either have or don't have. You can teach yourself to go without and in doing so attain a sense of empowerment. Going without something, perhaps sugar or salt or tv for a time is a good start in this practice. As you learn that you can indeed go without you will see with clarity and discrimination what to say 'no' to, and what to say 'yes' to.

3) Develop patience. 'I can wait.' This will give you strength.

We are all made up of strengths and weaknesses and we can be grateful for both. A focus on the weaknesses is a learning prompt and encourages compassion. It is all experience. Nothing is lost.

Being a burden

It really isn't new at all, but I am starting to become especially conscious of the fact that my mood and feelings of contentment within myself relate to whether I feel contained enough. I think that certain daily rituals, whatever they may be, come to have significance for us, and although at times it can seem dull to do the same ole things day after day, the simple fact is that without doing them, something erodes.

It is not easy for me it seems to be able to communicate satisfactorily that I need more of a feeling of dominance in my life. There are complicated reasons for this and there is no one reason, but I think I learned very early in my life, and I feel that even at this stage that it is required of me, that I be as independent as I possibly can. I go about this independence as well as I possibly can until I become unglued. This can take the form of becoming low in mood, not myself, or it can mean that I say something rash or do something rash. Either way, it's a consequence of the independence. I am someone who needs to relate to the leader.

Watching The Duke of Burgundy recently I felt deeply for the submissive who craved tight control. She was lost in her own need and her poor lover, doomed to work overtime providing her with the sort of submissive experiences she longed for, was left wondering if she was good enough; if she was loved at all. It's not easy wanting your submissive lover in your bed at night when she wants to be put in a wooden chest and told she'll not come out until the other says so.

In my experience, when I am offered the experience of feeling controlled and connected (because for me they are completely entwined) I am so much softer and sweeter; more mellow and content. I radiate those feelings of love and satisfaction, I hope, but I do wonder if those internal feelings are enough for the dominant partner.

I've not been particularly encouraged to ask those questions which would suggest I am deeply interested in the dominant partner's state of mind. Instinctively I know, or I think I do, when it is appropriate to expect their focus and attention to shine down on me.  This is my attention on them, or I thought it was, to be aware that they are pre-occupied or low on energy for the exchange. This is why I return to my independent stance at times, not at all a comfortable place for me to navigate, but one I feel I must traverse for fear of being a burden, my greatest of all fears.

Soul mates

I've a tendency to view my submissive response as part of my desire for peace and serenity in my life.  Whether I am feeling dominance in a physical sense, or whether I am able to sink deep into a meditative trance I am blessed with an arresting of my overactive mind.

It becomes obvious when I am in need of one form of 'therapy' or another. Two Saturdays ago my husband performed a wonderful therapy session for me, providing me with a range of sensations that left me feeling 'objectified', cared for and closely connected to him. I like to feel some physical force, to be in no doubt that he is in control of me and what happens next. This enables me to give into his animalistic desires and to experience a floating feeling. The more he tells me that I am just a sexual object for his 'use', that I'm to do as told, that my holes need to be filled, stretched, fucked, plundered, the better.

Sex is a marvellous therapy but it certainly isn't the only therapy I use. I am blessed to be part of a group where one woman plays her crystal bowls for us for over an hour once every month, and this experience I consider sacred. She focused last time on the bowl that is symbolic of the heart - said that the group dynamic and energy led her back to it again and again - and I knew this instinctively during the meditation because I could feel my heart opening up and a huge wave of empathic feeling wash over me. When I first started going to the group about a year ago I was a little uncomfortable that everybody hugged me, but now I look for my hugs. They are very evolved people, especially the woman leading the group and I draw energy from them. Perhaps they draw energy from me too. I don't really know.

Today, I just knew when I woke that I needed to go to my Tuesday noon meditation group and sit with myself. I rushed through my tasks this morning so that I could get there and sit on my cushion amidst like-minded people. I'd read several days ago now that going to that meditative dark hole that we attempt to reach is like death and thus we should not fear death. The thought resonated with me and I have been using it ever since, finding great solace away from the noise and complexity of my life in that dark, death-like state. The meditation today was one of the best experiences I have had there for a long time, helped, I am sure, by a cooler day. I've passed out before in summer in a small, closed room of meditating people and it is not a fun experience.

I am firmly convinced that we see the world through our eyes and our eyes see according to what we feel inside. If we are unsettled we pick up on the flaws and difficulties and when we are settled we see the flaws and difficulties but they don't seem nearly as important or as close up.  We know we have the strength and resolve to deal with them quietly and calmly.

I've found it to be critical that I speak to or be in places silently with like minded people; people resolute in finding peace in their lives. It has been this way in the D/s/power exchange arena as well. I choose gentle people. One or two of them along the way have been sadists but that doesn't mean that they aren't gentle folk. I adore the feeling of being cared for. In those moments, in play or just thinking about them alone with my thoughts, I get a great welling of love in my soul which feels exactly like a soul to soul exchange. I think there are several pathways to a kind of heaven on earth. It could be riding a bike for 20 miles for some people for all I know. You just have to find the right one for you.