That said, I do enjoy situations in real life where it's like my fantasies. As one would expect, I don't necessarily like everything that happens in those situations and yet it unfailingly arouses me at the same time. That's the push/pull that gets submissives hooked, I think. Maybe it's fun to have to do something you don't want to do, but not always. What it is is satisfying to know that the Other is serious about getting his way, at least for this experience and for other experiences in the future. There's a sense of comfort in that sort of mental bondage that is as snuggly as being under a woolen blanket in from of an open fire on a dark and freezing winter night.
In the fantasies, discipline is a major part of the scenario, because, well, because that gets me off. Obviously, I am going to conjure the situation that does it for me. In real life, I'm less interested in being disciplined, except to say that when that has happened I am even more horny than I am in my private fantasy. I hate it and yet I love it, which is quite a dilemma, not just for me but for many submissive types, I would imagine.
To give an example, in the fantasies it is often the case that I am sent by someone who is my superior to someone who is even more superior to him or her. There's a waiting time. It might be a minute or two or it might be an hour or more. This time is a time of reflection and self recrimination. 'If only' time, I call it. If only I had held my tongue. If only I had done it the way I was supposed to do it.
Also, it's a time for those above me to really drive the message home with plenty of humiliation, making me feel like a naughty child. So, I'm often sent to a wall with my nose pushed into it. I'm often told to raise my dress to keep ever present in my mind the attention my ass is almost certainly going to receive. They like, I feel sure, for me to fuss about what instrument will be used and for how long I'll be beaten. I oblige.
There's no 'it hurts me more than it hurts you' speech when I am finally called in. It's about the necessity of the exercise to impress on my mind that what I did I must never do again. It's all about that, with lots of emphasis on statements such as 'a girl must do as she is told'.
In real life, this sort of scene would be terribly taxing. Imagine holding one's nose to the wall for an hour imagining what comes next. And, imagine the speech and then the sentence, and settling oneself into position for a beating that absolutely will impress on the mind that a girl should never get herself into such a situation again.
And, yet, a mind blowingly orgasmic experience too! I think what I like about it best is that it would be a most rare scene. But, it happened once, and hence it could happen again. One takes that thought and makes jam out of it for months and months. It's an incredibly delicious thought that reminds one there is a power exchange in play, which for certain people is as good as it gets.
I'm not even sure I should write about what really goes on in this mind of mine because it is intense, deep, ongoing and all pervasive. One only has to say certain things in a certain way, make certain moves, be committed to taking control, and my mind is right there, so much that I feel a need to hide to what extent it is really going on under my skin and between my legs. It's something one feels obliged to keep under wraps out of fear; fearful of getting what one wants.
I don't know. I've held this side of me in for so long, it has oozed out of its own accord. This girl is on fire. (I think I stole that line from a song...)
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